Anxiety

One thing that i have noticed is that my attachment to Master has grown over the years. Sometimes this attachment is a very positive thing and other times it is beyond negative. When one wakes up to go for work and then has a crazy panic attack, there is a problem.

Sometimes i wish i could stay at home and Master would go to work... then i could clean the house, cook an amazing dinner, homeschool the kids, and maybe start a garden or raise chickens. If i really got my way, then the kids would be out of the house and i would be able to do some of this stuff in the nude, lol...

The biggest drawback of the anxiety isn't the fact that sometimes i literally have to get kicked out of the house to go to work. It is the feeling that i sometimes have later in the day. Sometimes i think i hate Him for allowing me to become so dependent or for not trying to fix it. Sometimes i think i hate Him for kicking me out of the house or not texting me during the day. Then, i act like a brat and feel really bad about my feelings.

The beginning

i actually received a question before the end of the month! i am so excited because i thought it would take longer for people to read and comment on my blog! Yay!!

Master H asked "How did you first get involved in this lifestyle?"

Master and i have been together for a very long time and we have always tried to keep our relationship interesting and exciting, both in and outside of the bedroom. When we first started dating and through the first 6 years of our marriage, we were a vanilla couple. We butted heads a lot because we were both such strong personalities and i will say that i am not proud of the corners i would sometimes back Him into.

At one point, i became exhausted with the power struggle that was going on in our house. i had always loved to serve Him, get Him things, take care of Him... but i also wanted things my way. You see, i thought i was smarter and better and just knew the path we should be on. i was okay with dragging Him where i thought we should be and thought that sometimes i could force Him to change who He was if i thought it was better for our family.

Through this whole first part of our lives together, i still researched BDSM because i figured it would spice up our live life. As i read, i found myself lost in the fantasy of it. my all time favorite movie is how i introduced it to Him as something to play with, hoping that He would see what i really wanted.

i really wanted Him to put me in my place, for lack of a better term... but i was scared to ask. i was scared He would say no... Our marriage was happy and we never really fought, but the struggle for direction was there and i was tired of making the decisions and tired of thinking i knew it all.

We started with little things in the bedroom... a spanking here, a cuff there, and then i asked if He wouldn't mind telling me what to do. At first, He wasn't sure what i was really asking for, so we started with a contract. Looking back at that, it was kinda funny. He said that i should create my rules and punishments and that i should keep track of when i messed up so He could punish me. i vaguely remember telling Him that He was doing it wrong. He surprised me by reminding me that this dynamic was about Him getting what He wants and me serving Him and bending to His will. In that moment, i caught a glimpse of the Master i have now.

Whew! i know that was a long post, but i am glad if you stick around to read it.

Healthy again!

i am so happy that He is no longer sick! Last night, we were able to play and i was in a much more amiable mood, thank goodness! i have been getting tired of being grumpy and sexually frustrated...

Oh, what a night! i was also able to get back on track this morning with waking Him up properly, making His breakfast, and getting his clothes set up. We are having a nice lazy day in today... watching movies, eating Chinese takeout... just relaxing. We both need this after being so sick and tired for so long.

Friends

While reading through blogs, i noticed that a lot of people within ttwd are usually pretty isolated when it comes to friends that understand ttwd. i am so lucky because i have a couple of people in my life that i can regularly talk to about my trials and struggles within the dynamic. After careful vetting, i was able to share myself with them and was met with questions and support.

In this way of life, it can be very hard and very lonely. Now don't get me wrong, if suddenly, my Master said i couldn't speak with them again, i wouldn't... i really just want to make Him happy... but, it is still really nice to be able to call a friend and complain about my specific situation and get the support i need when my attitude has gone awry or to chat about new toys and ideas to improve my submission to Him. It is also really nice to be able to provide that support to others.

Good enough?

So... as you know, Master has been sick... this illness seems to be lasting forever and i am trying really hard to be good and obedient, but nothing i do seems to be good enough. i am not obedient enough. i do not listen when He starts talking about His day. i am not supportive enough. The list goes on.

i have always struggled with ttwd because it can be really hard to turn off the dominant side i must display at work once i get home. i happen to be more profitable than He is when it comes to the workforce because i have more of a drive to get stuff done and make something of myself. It is nice having him at home to take care of the kids so i don't worry about them when i am at work. In the work arena, He has always been one to settle into a position and be happy with it.

Just saying that makes me wonder if He just settled into this position as my Master because it was the pathway of least resistance... Then i remember the joy on his face when he punishes me for my insolence or the peacefulness he has when i have managed to shut down my attitude and just serve Him. In those moments, i know that we don't do ttwd because i wanted it but because we both needed it and we both thrive within the boundaries He sets for me and for us...

Attitude

So, i've had a horrible attitude the last few days. Master has been under the weather and that makes me miserable. i hate it when He isn't happy and healthy because i get really frustrated. i received 2 belt spankings because i just could not get my attitude under control.

Need to lock it up!

Tired

i stayed up so late last night, i was too tired to take care of my normal morning duties. To tired to:

1. Exercise

2. Make Master breakfast

3. Get the kids ready on time

4. Lay Master's clothes out

*sigh* i hate being too tired... being tired makes me suck more at submitting. Who really wants to pay attention to the wants and needs of another when tired? Not this girl!

Q/A month...

i know that this month is all about answering questions, but my blog is a baby, so i don't have any to answer yet. Instead, i'll ask a question for myself and all those that want to reply with their own answers.

How did you choose your blogger profile id?

Master calls me His foxy lady or His little fox because of a fun fox tail we play with. i don't have ears yet, but i would love them someday. The word canidae is actually the scientific name for a fox (tried to be creative).

Feel free to add any questions and i will get those answered post haste ;-)

the next day

So, i am still really excited about blogging and am going to try and post something everyday or at least once a week. Master thought it was funny last night when i expressed how excited i was and the views i have had and the lovely comments of welcome i have received so far. He is amused by me most of the time and enjoys messing with me whenever He can.

Today is going to be busy for us, but i like busy. It gives me an opportunity to serve Him more when we are out and about. i also struggle with making decisions when He asks me to choose where we go eat our what we are going to do next. i would prefer him to just take me where He wants to go, but He likes having my input. Hmmm, where to eat today...

my first post!

i am really excited because i have been reading blogs for a very long time, but have never written one myself and i recently received permission to start my own blog! Yay!

So, why do i want to write a blog and what would it be about? i want to write a blog because i think i can help others wade through a lifestyle choice the same way that previous blogs have helped me. i also feel like it will help me further my own journey. i am the slave portion in a 24/7 tpe with my lovely Master. He and i were married and in a vanilla relationship for years before we moved forward in this lifestyle choice. We have 3 kids and our dynamic can be challenging because i work and He stays at home.

i am hoping that my blog will help others who struggle, like myself, with this choice. While being submissive is a part of me, i have chosen to put my life in the hands of my Master. i have chosen to participate in this lifestyle. i love and need my cage to be who I truly am.

Welcome to my journey.