It’s so quiet in my head that I can finally hear my own thoughts without all the extra interference... I didn’t know it could be this quiet... I mean I thought I knew... before integration started... before all the doors where opened... but that was years ago and I think there was always an edge in those thoughts in those days...
But now... now it’s so silent... I can go without a single thought for good chunks of time... fuck thinking... so much of my time was lost to overthinking and thinking and 4-7 different people using the same mental machine at times for more thinking... but now it’s me... and I know it because I’ve looked... I have listened... I have asked my questions and waited for their input... in meditation, I have weirdly walked around the gathering room at the table in my mind and they are nowhere to be found... it’s just me... all alone in a huge room with a bunch of empty chairs...
And it is so glorious. I am exploring my world and have found that my life is pretty fucking amazing... somehow, I was able to weather the loss of a son and inspire others to be themselves... somehow, I was able to make all my dreams come true when it comes to owning a home, supporting my family, and having a job I love and a hobby I can eventually retire on... somehow, while trapped within the grief and depression in my own mind, my foxy friends jumped out and protected me and created my beautiful life... and I am so fucking grateful while also noting some things that have to change to fit me, now that my eyes are open again...
It took a shit ton of personal work and a bunch of herbs to resolve/dissolve all the little lives I somehow built within to function through my traumas... and those little lives were so vast and managed so many things... But now, it’s just me... and while I am vast like an ocean, I prefer the solitude within my lighthouse... I prefer to direct and guide than being out in the fray... to build a life, you must be out in the fray... to maintain a life is so much less arduous, lol... I still have a little building left to do... I’m not all the way out of the fray, not completely... but I know I’m getting close.