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Monday, December 14, 2020

Dissolution or The Glorious Quiet

It’s so quiet in my head that I can finally hear my own thoughts without all the extra interference... I didn’t know it could be this quiet... I mean I thought I knew... before integration started... before all the doors where opened... but that was years ago and I think there was always an edge in those thoughts in those days...

But now... now it’s so silent... I can go without a single thought for good chunks of time... fuck thinking... so much of my time was lost to overthinking and thinking and 4-7 different people using the same mental machine at times for more thinking... but now it’s me... and I know it because I’ve looked... I have listened... I have asked my questions and waited for their input... in meditation, I have weirdly walked around the gathering room at the table in my mind and they are nowhere to be found... it’s just me... all alone in a huge room with a bunch of empty chairs...

And it is so glorious. I am exploring my world and have found that my life is pretty fucking amazing... somehow, I was able to weather the loss of a son and inspire others to be themselves... somehow, I was able to make all my dreams come true when it comes to owning a home, supporting my family, and having a job I love and a hobby I can eventually retire on... somehow, while trapped within the grief and depression in my own mind, my foxy friends jumped out and protected me and created my beautiful life... and I am so fucking grateful while also noting some things that have to change to fit me, now that my eyes are open again...

It took a shit ton of personal work and a bunch of herbs to resolve/dissolve all the little lives I somehow built within to function through my traumas... and those little lives were so vast and managed so many things... But now, it’s just me... and while I am vast like an ocean, I prefer the solitude within my lighthouse... I prefer to direct and guide than being out in the fray... to build a life, you must be out in the fray... to maintain a life is so much less arduous, lol... I still have a little building left to do... I’m not all the way out of the fray, not completely... but I know I’m getting close.

Saturday, August 22, 2020

The block

 I haven’t been able to write... I have had experiences, oh man, have I... but I just haven’t been able to write the experiences down... I haven’t wanted to... I am not sure why I just started again now, lol... but it feels good to stretch this muscle... it feels good to type out my thoughts again... my soul has been missing it without me knowing... 

I am really interested to see where I go and what I share. I have shifted yet again and have released some things that has allowed me to release the block... hello again ❤️🦊

Friday, August 7, 2020

Writing

The need to write is in my bones!! I’ve been feeling it pretty hardcore lately, but I just don’t know what to write or what I want to share... so here I am... working this muscle again... sometimes, it starts out so small... but then, a rolling stone will always gather the moss... let’s see where this goes and what my crazy butt decides to share this time...