A journey...

The last couple of weeks have been a real rollercoaster ride for me because of so many different personal things. My son's issues have not gotten better, but i feel as though i have gotten better about handling them. i have also lost quite a bit of weight and focused tremendously on developing a more positive mindset... And you know what i figured out...

i figured out that i am worth the hard work and patience that i give to everyone else. i should expect that same behavior from myself as well...

i figured out that i can and love to run! Running makes every cell in my body feel alive, almost as much as a good thuddy flogging! And when i am done, i get weak in the knees because i pushed and i drink so much water, but i feel pride. Pride in myself.

i figured out that it is okay to feel... To really feel emotions deep down in my core... In the core of my being and the depths of my soul. i do not have to be a robot... i can feel sorrow, pain,  frustration, anger... But only for a minute or 2... More than that, and i wallow in it like a pig in mud... But if i stop and change my perception and find that silver lining, then i will still feel amazing and in control of myself.

i figured out that i love and cherish Papa Bear and enjoy so many things about our relationship and partnership. i found that He helps meet needs that i have deep down inside. Needs that i didn't even know about. Dark and dirty needs that can only be met with His hands on me, pulling and pinching and grabbing and smacking... Could not imagine a life without His cock in my mouth... i know that i could survive without Him if i had to, but i am willing to fight tooth and nail to stay by His side until i leave this Earth...

Lastly, i figured out that i am truly affected by the things i put into my body. The food i eat, the shows i watch, the music i listen to, the books i read, the effort i exert... All of these things dramatically affect me... Directly change who i am... Sometimes i feel like those candy bugs on Wreck It Ralph... i become whatever i consume as long as it makes sense to my inner core.

i feel like i started on a kick to get healthier and instead, i really started on a spiritual journey to find myself...