Slipping

i am slipping back into the abyss of darkness within my sad heart. Thanksgiving is coming and my mind keeps catching on my son not being there. My eyes pour out the tears and my heart slowly sobs. i am having difficulty thinking of anything else...

i miss his laugh... Oh goodness do i miss his laugh... i can picture him wandering around at dinner pulling pieces of food off of everyone's plates... He was such a food thief! If you didn't let him take any food, he was likely to lean in and bite you and then lean back and giggle about it...

Such a fresh and open wound, festering with remorse, guilt, regret, and bewilderment... i am remorseful that he is no longer in my life and miss hearing his noises... Sometimes, i watch videos on the times we were together to feel him with me. i feel guilty for spending time on people other than him. Then, i see the good and remember that they provided me with a welcome escape during an extremely emotional and devastating time in my life...

... i feel regret for not being right next to him the second he passed... Daddy was there, but i just couldn't stare at him as he withered away... i am bewildered by my ability to be okay and keep pushing forward on some days and by my inability to do so on others... Today is one of those sad days...

i am not okay. A piece of me has not been right since i lost my little boy... When will i ever be alright again... It feels like never right now...