I can't won

I haven't written in a minute, because the insanity that I wrote of last time has been breaking me down... A dear friend reminded me that I hadn't written in a while, so here I am... The "I like her" tried to win... But it didn't and couldn't... "I can't" won the battle this time... I just can't...

I will not adjust what I look for in a mate just because it could make life easier... And I am not willing to shape her into what I want because she should be who she is - not who I want her to be because that would just be another lie...

I find this thought amusing because I loved to become what other people wanted... I loved being a chameleon before and thrived when I could adjust who I was for someone else's wants and desires... It used to be my kink... But after the death of my son and then a devastating lie, my chameleon tendency caused my mind to lose control completely and I lost myself...

Now, when I think, I question everything about who I am, what I stand for, what I want, what I need, where my place is, where my head is at, what my heart feels, when I will feel solid again, when my head will stop spinning, why this all happened, why to me, why me.... It makes it very hard to write with the cacophony of voices in my head...

So, now, a lot of the time, I don't think... I don't feel... I don't daydream... I don't hope... I just earned a big fun weekend trip and while all my friends are excited to go and are planning all the awesomeness, I am still struggling with all this other shit... Thankfully, while I'm there, I will turn off the thinking and just be and it will be perfect... A lot of the time now, I turn off my head and just go with the flow...

Right now though... Sitting here and contemplating what to write has my heart racing and my head spinning... I can't look to things that once gave me comfort because they are the things that cause such disarray for me now...

I was told the other day that I am a good person... But I don't feel like it at all... I feel like I'm not a person... I feel like a robot... I feel alien... I feel like I don't belong and I don't matter... I feel like the struggle would cease to exist if I ceased to exist... The struggle that my Daddy faces in his heart... Cuz I know seeing me this way breaks His heart and He feels like He let me down... He thinks He has failed me as a husband... I don't see it that way, but maybe He is right... He is my Owner after all... He probably knows better than me...

He keeps asking me why I'm still with Him... All I can say is that I love Him and would never leave Him... I remind Him that He owns me and always will... He has not ordered me to leave... So why would I... I know He thinks I will leave Him because He would leave me in this situation... Am I stupid for staying? Should I follow his lead and bounce?

Why can't I just changed my heart and my mind in regard to her so that he can just live happily ever after and all of this commotion can stop? I have tried... But I can't... I just can't...