And I'm back here again... back in the anger and frustration of the past... back in that moment of feeling lost and unwanted and undervalued... undervaluing myself and my life and my plans and my goals... and feeling like none of it even matters anyways because one day, I will be gone... and I will be able to cuddle my baby who is no longer physically with me...
Reliving old nightmares of the past and the heartbreak that has been my life... struggling to let the past fall since it is no longer here... but how do you protect yourself from getting into that same situation again? How do you forgive and move forward when your heart is full of fear?
My main focus for meditation today was releasing my anger towards my Master and allowing myself to serve Him again and feel the same way I once did about it... you see, there was a time when serving Him was more natural to me than breathing... it gave me life to be by his side, gripping onto His every word and believing that my service was unique... it felt better to take care of anything He needed back then... it gave me pride to have Him show me off and offer me as a gift to others...
now... now, it feels forced and i can see that it is no longer unique... there is someone else that can do it too and while she is not quite as good as I am, we all start somewhere... I don't really want to make Him proud enough to share me or offer me to others... I don't want to be in the same situation again where I am given permission to explore... I don't want to have my heart crushed on all sides at once... I almost didn't make it out of that alive... soon, it will be 2 years... 2 years since my son passed and my lovers ran away and my Master showed His selfish side... the side I had been begging for across a span of 6 years before He finally surfaced and lay waste to my universe...
I told Him it was safe to be that way and when He finally stepped up to that plate, I couldn't handle it. Just like He couldn't really handle sharing me... not all of me, anyway... not the emotions and love that I have and can give. The sex though... He could have shared that all day, cuz it is just a body... His goddess has always been more to Him than that... Now that I have experienced more and tasted more, can I release myself and Him from my madness and my anger at the past... can I let us become what I have always wanted or will I continue to fall down each time I try... how do I release my selfish need to protect myself and trust Him to protect me again when the last couple times didn't work out... how do I feel special and unique when my heart no longer craves to serve as it once did... when the contract I built for Him looks stupid and childish to me now...
fractured and broken... still trying to pull my pieces together...
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