Almost 4 years

At home... relaxing and trying to feel better... trying not to be sick... trying to get my anxious buzzing heart to settle down... the life and death high alert focus is no longer needed... they haven’t been needed for almost 4 years now... but I guess that is the point... right? It has only been 4 years... how long does it take to train one’s body and mind away from a learned pattern?

I continue to get hit hard this week by what life would be like if my special lil guy was still alive... where he would be... how much he would love school... what new skills would he have... but he’s dead... and he can’t come back... and no matter how hard I try to distract my mind, my body is here to remind me... have you ever tried pushing your emotions away until the point where the symptoms become psychosomatic and your body just shuts you down? This is my life... fighting against the shut down... holding my head up and treading this water as hard as I can...

With all of the amazing things in my life right now, this depression and anxiety is driving me a lil crazy... but if there is one thing I know, it is that this season is temporary... it fades away again after his death day passes... and for that I am grateful... it’s still 3 weeks away... and in the meantime, I need to focus on the basics... household chores, staying positive and happy, planting seeds in my career... just keep swimming...

Irish Gypsy Melody

Sooooo... I made a new friend... and she intrigues the fuck out of me... she is so close to everything we are looking for in our next parter... so very close... and I am just reveling in the closeness! This taste of perfection is like a breath of fresh air... and like a taste from a renewing spring that assures me that hope is always worth it. I am so thankful for the continued refinement of what I am looking for... as you cannot get what you want from the universe without first asking for it... I am really enjoying exploring my inner workings on this and the process of discovering a new song to play with... what have I learned about myself so far:

1. A sexy girl immediately inspires sadistic tendencies within me... I want to bite, to paddle, to flog, to beat, to wrap my hand in that beautiful hair and finger fuck the shit out of that delectable pussy until she cries out, and turns into a hot mess puddle on my bed...
2. The second thoughts that pop up are of sensual scratches, body rubs, nibbles, licks, kisses... and entanglement of limbs... and snuggles...
3. Trust is so important to me when it comes to relationships and play... I have to trust that we are on the same page as we communicate and that if something is off, that it will come up quickly. I have to trust that our friendship will weather life’s storms if it is meant to...
4. Domme/sub is the next level of my evolution in relationshipping... I am looking for that sub who I inspire to want to take care of me, who wants to pamper me, cook for me, clean for me... just out of love for me... who enjoys all the attention I can give and will do things for me without me having to say anything... that level of commitment is what I really want in my next relationship... but Topping is definitely my pickup play style right now or how I prefer to play with my friends with fun benefits, especially my brats!
5. I actually move pretty slowly when things are at my pace... which I am not used to... I am not the type to make the first move as I like my partner to be brave and free to explore at their pace...
6. I am so very connected to my PapaBear that I want for our next relationship partner to enjoy all of the things we both bring to the table... just as I want us to enjoy everything that he/she/they bring to the table.
7. I definitely enjoy friends with fun benefits, especially ones that make my brain think...

I think 7 is a good number of self discovery things when listening to a new melody...

20 Days Sober!!!!

I am so fucking proud of my lil bratface!!!!! We are at 20 days of freedom from alcohol!! And while she still dreams and wants for the alcohol, it seems that she prefers being my Slave versus being a slave to the bottle... I am especially proud of her for not cracking open a beer during Monday Night Football! This last week, we started working on lying and disrespectful behaviors... can’t have my friends reflecting badly on me... and she has been spending a lot of time with me, so behavioral adjustment is definitely needed... and we all know how I feel about lying... lol...

So with behavior and lying, she earned 45 punishment spankings... now I told her that I would only use my metal paddle bare ass for under 42 spankings... cuz it is just brutal... 10 for the chevron side and the other 32 with the flat side... so the first 3 were given with my foxy paddle over spandex shorts. Then, I switched to the metal paddle to administer her punishments... oh, how she fought... but so stubborn... would not use her safe words... and when she would go limp, I would wait a little bit to give her a lil break in that delicious sub space, but would then hard smack her out of it... a punishment is not meant for fun... although it is pretty fun for me... it wakes me up and makes me feel alive, knowing how much I am helping her with creating the life she is begging for... feeding my inner sadist and protector without the destruction she usually brings to the table... it feels so good to be in control of myself... through trying to help this human get her life under control...

After the punishment was administered, I told her she was such a good girl and her slate is wiped clean... then I started her maintenance spankings over her shorts with the foxy paddle... the safe word sentence had something to do with lying and how she didn’t want to anymore or how it was bad for her or something like that... and I just swung and swung until the words fell out of her mouth... and then I snuggled her until she called me mean and pulled away. I let her have her alone time and then we cuddled when she was ready. Aftercare is super important. I apologized for hitting her hip... no one’s perfect, but I am definitely way more clear on the wriggle factor and an errant swing. I feel like maintenance spankins are definitely needed for this level of bratface ☺️