Almost 4 years

At home... relaxing and trying to feel better... trying not to be sick... trying to get my anxious buzzing heart to settle down... the life and death high alert focus is no longer needed... they haven’t been needed for almost 4 years now... but I guess that is the point... right? It has only been 4 years... how long does it take to train one’s body and mind away from a learned pattern?

I continue to get hit hard this week by what life would be like if my special lil guy was still alive... where he would be... how much he would love school... what new skills would he have... but he’s dead... and he can’t come back... and no matter how hard I try to distract my mind, my body is here to remind me... have you ever tried pushing your emotions away until the point where the symptoms become psychosomatic and your body just shuts you down? This is my life... fighting against the shut down... holding my head up and treading this water as hard as I can...

With all of the amazing things in my life right now, this depression and anxiety is driving me a lil crazy... but if there is one thing I know, it is that this season is temporary... it fades away again after his death day passes... and for that I am grateful... it’s still 3 weeks away... and in the meantime, I need to focus on the basics... household chores, staying positive and happy, planting seeds in my career... just keep swimming...