Losing my shit..

A dear friend of mine lost her son the other day due to complications with a surgery that he needed to have. This event has me evaluating my life and decisions again. Life is short and it is important to do what we feel is right and what will make us happy.

i know that, for me, i am happy serving my Papa Bear. i love giving Him everything He wants and live for his happiness. i know that He cares about my happiness too. My happiness is so hard to define while His is so simple. He wants to wake up to a BJ or sex. He wants to have good food ready for Him when He wants it. He wants His slave to almost be a mind reader that knows what He needs and wants at all times. He wants to issue commands with a whisper or a nudge instead of with spoken communication...

i feel kind of lost right now... i don't really know what makes up my happiness... i don't even know if i am happy now... i think i may be, but i am not really sure of anything right now... This has me so twisted up inside and i am going to need to figure it out before i break again... i don't like being broken... i know that much at least.

How do you fully remove yourself and your mind, your wants and your needs, so you can fully focus on your slavery or submission and let your Master have all of that control without breaking when serious life events happen?

Sigh... Obviously, i am struggling right now with a lot of different things... My mind and my heart are in 2 different places and it is not fun, to say the least... i continue to mourn for my friend's child and think about the potential loss of my own special guy... Every time i think of possibly losing him, it brings up life decisions that i made to help cope with that issue that are now in full conflict with my current lifestyle...

i am not liking the way this post is going and don't really want to write it anymore... i hate this feeling of ache that i have in my heart and pain that i have in my head... i do not like the fact that i have some mental issues sometimes that push me so close to the edge... i just can't handle it on my own...

So what did i do about all of that pain i wrote about earlier? i cried... i woke Papa Bear up for cuddles and help... And He helped me... He spanked me and gave me commands... He helped me sort out the conflict through communication... Through helping me define choices and placing my thoughts and my crazy into logical options... i can choose M/s or i can choose my past coping mechanism... He promises to love me either way...

So i chose... i choose my Master over everything else. i will let the rest of it go... But it was a hard morning...