WTF

Before you read this post, please be prepared to get upset. This blog is about my real life and I am sharing an incredibly heart wrenching experience that I am going through because I am sitting in it, alone, and full of thoughts that I need to share.

I would normally just talk all this out with Papa Bear, but he is getting some much needed rest. He has been shouldering most of the responsibility of this situation for a really long time as he tends to baby and protect his little slave from these situations for the most part. Also, I didn't want to forget my thoughts... My blog, my rules, lol...

If this blog is just a fun and sexy read for you... You may want to skip this one... Lol...


What the fuck!!!

Okay, so now that the profanity is out of my system, I am stuck today. I am stuck in the worst possible situation ever. I think my son is dieing in my arms. I think his life is expiring and that this is what death looks and feels like... As a body that is too young to go, can't possible endure any more pain or any more epileptic episodes. They are tearing his muscles apart and I feel so lost...

I am sitting here, writing this, staring at him, and thinking about implanting a nasal feeding tube. Then I ask myself, if I was in this much pain and had no control over my body and slept so much and couldn't focus for longer than 3 minutes on anything during my somewhat lucid moments, would I want that prolonged or would I just want to be let go?

The answer is that I don't fucking know!! I don't think I would, but then what if everything is going to be back to okay in a month and I just had to deal with this excruciating pain 4 months out of the year... Then maybe I would, but what if I am still like this for another month... How many months in a row is it okay for me to feel this way... How many months would I want my family to worry that today is the last day...

Our thoughts for our son have always been to provide the best quality of life... This is so hard...