New crop!!

So Daddy got a new riding crop... It is orange and He said it is used on horses. He used it over my jeans first and it felt stingy, but doable, so He pulled my jeans down to uncover my sexy panties and started snacking me with it...

We were able to play with it for a while. i got out of my head and stopped trying to figure how much it hurt based on the sound, lol, and focused on the feeling in my skin... It felt like a sharp sting and then a warmth... He pushed to a level 9 on a scale of 1-10 twice... The warm up and play was phenomenal... i only wish there was more time in the day for play...

Thank You Daddy!!! i loved Your new crop and can't wait to play again... Hint hint...

Miss Foxy... Teehee! Pt 2. From her perspective

http://trueconfessionsofaliar.tumblr.com/post/136202364307/my-first-ever-punishment

Miss Foxy... Teehee! Pt 1. From my perspective

So, i have a pet... A pretty lil pet fox... We agreed on an owner/pet play dynamic to see how we like it. She calls me Miss Foxy and she is cute as a button.

On Saturday, she was headed to her grandmother's up the mountain and she was to text me when she arrived safe. She said it would take 30-45 minutes to get there, so I gave her an hour and a half... Then I texted her... she replied back that she had gotten there 45 minutes ago and she was sorry for not texting, which means that when I glanced at my phone for the last 45 minutes, waiting anxiously for her to respond, she was safe and I was on high alert for nothing... And she knew she was supposed to text cuz she was sorry for not doing it!!! Trouble...

I gave her a task to do, which was to fill out a BDSM list I found online. I was a little worried because what if I had to give 2 punishments while having no idea what her limits were... But she did it, on time... Good lil fox... Her reward is to get a Papa Bear massage the next time she comes over.

So, little neurotic me starts thinking about what would be a good punishment... The first punishment... I wanted it to be right... Not right... Perfect... I wanted it to be firm, yet caring... I wanted her to know that I truly care about her safety and should not have to worry if she is okay...  I wanted it to hurt... Dammit... If I am going to dominate, I want to have fun and give her what she needs... Even though she doesn't know what that is yet... I want to help her find it... Like Daddy did for me...

So when she was over on Monday, I decided on using the paddle... I decided this after we went through the list and paddling was on her "I will" list. I had a back up option if that had been a no, but that is now in my back pocket for another time... I followed my usual punishment plan, the steps Daddy laid out for me long ago...

Me: Take off your jeans... The first spanken will be over clothes, but you have jeans and leggings, so jeans off...
her: Yes Miss... (Takes off her jeans)
Me: *mumbling* Kneel on the bed and then place your face down on the comforter...(as I walk over to get the paddle)
her: What, Miss Foxy?
Daddy: Kneel right here on the bed...
(she kneels)... Now lay your face on the bed, ass in the air...
her: Yes Daddy...
Me: That's perfect... This is the paddle that I will spank you with... I know you haven't had a paddling before, so we will do this over clothes. If you are naughty again, then I will have to do this again on your bare ass... (oh goodness, i am so nervous... Am i doing this right?)
her: Yes, Miss... (What is she thinking? Is she scared? Does she think this is silly?)
Me: Now, why are you getting this punishment?
her: cuz i didn't text You... (Partly)
Me: No... Why?
her: cuz i made You worry... (Does she think i am crazy for worrying about her? What if she is like- who does this lady think she is?)
Me: That is right, pretty girl. I need to know that you are safe and sound. That is very important to me as your owner. I want to know you are okay. (Omg, i sound neurotic!) Do you understand?
her: Yes Miss
Me: (just breath... Exhale... And swing)
her: ... (She just let out a little breath... It doesn't look like it hurt... Oh goodness, I didn't do it right... Punishments are supposed to hurt, dammit)
Me: It stings, huh?
her: mmhmm...
Me: and it can feel light (gently pat her bottom with it) and you can build up to harder swings that feel good (pull the paddle away. And Daddy starts massaging her ass)
her: mmhmm (she still looks unphased! This isn't perfect... Maybe another one)
Me: but punishments are supposed to hurt (please hit the same spot, please hit the same exact spot!)

Whack!!

her:... (Turns to rest her left cheek on the comforter)
Me: That's it, babygirl. (It looked like it hit the same spot and still nothing... Not a peep...) Did you learn your lesson, do you think?
her: mmhmm (turns to face me again... Face a blank slate... No idea what is going on in that pretty lil head of hers)
Me: Do you understand that I am serious? (Said very seriously)
her: mmhmm
me: okay!! How was it? Did it feel like a punishment? Did it hurt? (Like a kid)
her: it stung a little...
me: (petting her hair and remembering that when i got my first punishment, i was way more worried about if i took my punishment well than worrying about how my Daddy punished me. i was upset for earning a punishment in the first place. It was for leaving the drawer open on the dresser)... You did so good!!
her: (smile) thanks!
Daddy: Hey lil foxes, the pizza is here!
me: oooh, pizza...

Poem #4 from Sire/ my response

The lines between body and soul, blurr when we touch.
Your voice calls me home from a place of chaos.
Your heart has a voice that I hear clearly.
You captured a piece of my heart, as I have captured a piece of yours.

    -Sire Rex-

:)

   -my Reply -

The lines between You and i, intertwine as we chat.
Your words call me home from a place of loss.
Your heart has a voice, loud and clear.
You awakened a piece of my heart, as i have awakened a piece of Yours.

Punishment #3 Part 2- Breaking the Rules... Or... i am a dirty cum whore...

Eyes closed, pussy throbbing, holding onto the bed frame... Silly me, volunteering to go first... But if she had gone first, i would be more scared...

His voice: Do you know why I am doing this? Why I am giving you this punishment?

Me: cuz i am a dirty cum whore, Sire... And i allowed you to cum in my mouth twice and i wasn't supposed to... And i'm sorry... *thinking maybe that extra sorry will save me*

His voice: and...

Me: cuz you love me...

His voice: That's right, babygirl... Because I love you, I must give you this punishment...

WHAP WHAP!!

Me: ahhhh!!

Eyes still closed, shoving my face into my soft comforter... Daddy touches my hand...

Daddy's voice: you okay, baby?

Me: yes Daddy...

His voice: Be a good girl, I don't like having to do this to you, but I will... Always in love...

Me: Yes Sire...

Clean slate...

Family Night - A Night of Firsts...

So, last night was a ton of fun... So much so, that i am writing 2 blogs about it... One is for the amazing debauchery that took place and one for the final punishment that was doled out... This one is about debauchery...

We arrived around 2pm at Sire's house and Sweetheart greeted us at the door. We kissed and talked, exchanged lovely Christmas presents, and settled in with each other, chatting, kissing, and cuddling. Then, Daddy was ready to play, so i set out the electric for Him to use on Sweetheart. Sire and i had been waiting to play for 2 weeks and waiting to fuck for 3, so we decided to get to business right away. We fucked as he whispered sweet things into my mouth as our eyes locked on to one another's... How i wanted to say things back...

After he fucked me, we cuddled together and both got shocked when Sweetheart's knee hit my thigh, lol. Sire's ass was against the bed so it was a pretty good shock, lol. Then, we decided it could be fun to have lil ol me fuck Sweetheart with a strap on! So i put it on and went to town... This was the first time that i was the one fucking with the strap on... Usually, i am the one being fucked, lol... So interesting... And the rhythm my body pummeled her pussy with brought her to climax, yay!!

Then Daddy wanted a turn with me as well, so He fucked me until it was time to get ready for dinner. Right before we left for dinner was the punishment (next blog entry)...

At dinner, Twinsie met up with us with her friend and we enjoyed fun family conversation about what implements were used and whose ass was more beaten... Such fun topics!! Sire and i held hands and so did Daddy and Sweetheart... We were all just basking in the glow of love our family creates.

Of course Twinsie and her guest followed Sire back to his place and we started with Cards Against Humanity... Eventually, i got bored with the game and started giving Sire a hand job under the table... i kept molesting him until he called a 5 minute break. The smokers went out for their cigs and i asked Daddy for permission to go have sex with Sire in the other room, since up until that point, we haven't had sex without Daddy present. Daddy said yes!

So, there we were... The only 2 people in the room, looking into each other's faces and fucking. Sire asked what i got in trouble for last time and i said it was for swallowing his cum and being a dirty cum whore. He said that saliva wasn't against the rules and had me open my dirty mouth wide. Then, he spit/slobbered into my mouth and i drank and swallowed it... It actually helped appease my need to swallow cum! (Totally surprised me)

As he continued to pound my pussy, the rest of our family came in and i was suddenly making out with my Twinsie. Super fucking hot! Then, she is eating me and i am pushing past it with Daddy and Sire's help... Then she is fingering me... She stops, goes and gets lube, and then her whole hand is in and pushing around... The sensation was interesting... One part light pain with two parts pleasure... i came and my pussy locked down... It took a bit for me to become relaxed enough for her to have her hand back... First time i was ever fisted, lol!!

Everything else after that became kind of a blur of fucking and touching and orgy... First time i have ever been in an orgy, lol... i know that i scratched the crap out of Sweetheart, Daddy punched Sweetheart's ass, i licked and fingered my Twinsie, i had a crap ton of orgasms, lol...

Sweetheart also asked that i sit on her face, so i did and i focused and squirted all over her face... My wetness dripping down her cheeks... Later in the night, she asked again, which made me smile... We repeated what we had done before and i helped clean her face off after i came all over her this time... The life of a spoiled princess... That is exactly how i felt. The center of all this fun... A girl could get used to it!!

My poly family...

Had a super rough past couple of days, but with a lot of love and support, i was able to conquer the sorrow like the gladiator i am...

i just have to say that i absolutely love living poly... It is totally for me... Having a poly family makes me feel loved and safe and appreciated and fulfilled. This last Saturday, before the play party, we all went out to dinner... me and my poly family... We went to Red Robin and had an amazing time.

Sweetheart couldn't decide between 2 burgers that i also couldn't decide between, so we each ordered one and split/shared it... Cuz what are sister's for. My Twinsie (formerly Sire's wife) kept Daddy company when He wanted to step out for a smoke, as she smokes too... Which is awesome, because i am not too fond of standing out in the cold while He smokes, but i also don't like Him going out alone... Sire held my hand across the dinner table when everyone else stepped away... The only thing missing was my lil fox, but she had other plans...

After dinner, we met up at the party to get everything set up. Daddy helped Sweetheart and Sire unload the car and set up the cross... Twinsie and i set up the buffet area like a well oiled machine... We all sat on each other, played with each other, and had an overall amazing night together!

My favorite parts (cuz if i wrote this in detail, it would take hours to read) were:

• Kissing Sweetheart - applied the smeared lipstick i had on the rest of the night
• Making out with Twinsie - me sitting on the couch, dressed in underwear and candy red heels that were wrapped around her waist and her in a Sexy Santa outfit and lovely lingerie... i especially love how she crawled over to me... So hot!
• Sitting on Daddy's and Sire's lap at the same time - made me feel like such a little girl and allowed me to enjoy both of the men i care deeply about
• Watching Daddy and Sweetheart as she got her foot sucked on and He held her... Her face while cumming will forever be in my memory as one of the most beautiful sights i have ever beheld
• Resting my head against Sire while in mid conversation and hearing Him lose His place in the conversation a couple of times
• Getting permission from Daddy to make out with Sire 
• Watching Sire thank Daddy out loud for allowing Him the pleasure of my company
• Being ogled, as always
• My big event for the evening - helping my Twinsie cum on command for Sire. Oh my goodness, she was so hot!

Goodness lil fox

Holy shit!!
Last night was beyond amazing... i was so very nervous, but it was for nothing, like usual, lol.

You see, my Daddy tells me about how much He loves this lil fox... How much He adores her and wants to spend time with her and it makes me so happy... At the same time, i get worried that i will be too much... Too much is something i get called a lot, lol... Overwhelming is another version... So i worry that i will ruin it.

So i went into yesterday, nervously waiting for the moment when i ruin it... Then, as her and i made out, i let it go and started to feel like, well, this is me... If it is too much, if it is too overwhelming, if it is too crazy... Oh fucking well... And i let me be me and it was fun to play with her...

It was fun to kiss unbearably soft lips... The kind that you miss kissing while kissing them because you know it has to stop sometime...

It was nice to feel her milky white breasts in my hands and her nipples in my teeth... As i licked them, she asked if i had been licking her shoulder earlier while we were watching TV... i said yes and oh how we giggled together... She thought she was going crazy and i was being tricky with it...

We sent a pic to Daddy, since He was out buying some canes... We talked and shared some similar life moments... i watched her lips as she spoke, enjoyed the quick glances away, as i think my eternal staring was making her a little self-conscious at times...

When the 3 of us were making out, it flowed so smoothly... We rotated, we kissed, we grabbed, we nommed... i showed her my blow job skills on Daddy... i showed her what my hands can do... What my fingers can do when i am aggressively finger fucking a wet and dirty little cunt... Lol... She was so wet and i loved helping her get there...

i could have watched her cum for the rest of my life... In that moment, there was just the joy of the orgasm and the moment lasted forever... Daddy and lil fox took care of me as well... Of course... But i am very used to my orgasms... Lol...

We got into matching fox jammies that Daddy got us and went outside to medicate... Then we snuggled into bed and cuddled up... Later in the night, she had to go home... Due to chest pains, sigh...

i am missing her this morning, but we have already messaged and i am just glad that she is safe and sound...

Nail File

You! You are like a nail file.
Cool and rough to the touch.
Carefully smoothing my rough edges.
Helping me live...

You! You are like a nail file.
Strong and unmoving.
Kindly shaving away my walls.
Helping me love...

you! you are like a nail file.
Sharp and beautiful.
Quickly piercing my lip, my heart.
Helping me feel...

i! i am like a nail file.
Wearing away at myself.
Gently scraping away the hurt.
Helping myself...

Daddy?

i asked Daddy to pee on me in the shower to give it a try... It felt like nothing on my legs, but Daddy didn't like it... So instead, He scrubbed every inch of me... Soaked me and soaped me... Repeatedly sprayed my face with water and asked if i would guzzle cum again... i told Him i wouldn't and begged Him to stop... He did after He felt satisfied with the answering of His questions a few times...

It was fun, aggressive, and playful at the same time... Is this my Daddy? The real deal? The one inside, not the one i have been forcing... Omg, i am all in...

Punishment #3 - Breaking the Rules... Or... i am a dirty cum whore...

So... i told Daddy about being a dirty cum whore...  i mean, our rules clearly state that i cannot have the cum of another man on me... And yet, i accepted Sire's cum, greedily...

Sire didn't know the rules, but i did and i chose not to follow them because i am a dirty cum whore that was swept up in the now of the moment... Mmmmm...

So, Daddy became very upset and i got 2 hard belt spankings. The first one wrapped around and have be a bruise. The second was square on my ass... And they hurt... Oh goodness, did they hurt...

And then came the rub... i had to notify Sire of the issue and accept whatever punishment He deemed appropriate.  He and Daddy have worked it out and i have been assured that it will be swift, but leave a lasting impression.... Fuck!!!

Main Event

This last Saturday was exquisite! First, we were able to get everything lined up with the support group i lead, which went amazingly well. Then, we headed out to see Sire and Sweetheart... Sire was at the store and we were greeted by a naked Sweetheart at the door. So beautiful!

We were able to enjoy some time with her, my Daddy cuddling her while i tickled her legs and feet with my nails. Sire came home and brought her a big stuffed lion. We took him on the car ride to dinner with us and cuddled with each other and him in the back seat as our Daddies chatted in the front. i nibbled on her neck and breasts as we sat in the back seat... She wasn't sure what to do, so i told her to enjoy my nibbles and affection and not to worry about anything else. i wanted to take advantage of her little side for a bit and it felt like she may have wanted her little to be taken advantage of...

Then, we had an amazing dinner with a fun and flirty waitress who knew exactly what she was getting herself into. Sire also flirted with a different waitress, which made her blush, lol... After our yummy dinner, we went back to Sire's house to play.

As we were getting out of Sire's truck, Sweetheart and i named the lion Louie and decided he was from France. As soon as we entered the house, i got naked as i often do...Daddy and Sweetheart went into the bedroom while Sire and i went to another room in the house. This room had a blanket on the floor, a full length mirror, some toys, and a shit ton of rope.

At first, we just enjoyed each other's company, naked and grinding on each other, naked and holding each other, flirting, playing... Then we talked a bit and Sire said words of unequivocal and undying love to me... He had been hinting at this message in texts to each other, so it did not catch me by surprise. Because of that, i was able to accept it without feeling guilty over not saying it back. i love his heart and his kindness. i love his respectfulness and his honor. i love his kindness and his happy nature. i am just not ready to give away more of my heart yet... And he is okay with that difference in this relationship that we are slowly building together.

After the cuddles, we basically humped each other, but without actual intercourse... When he was getting ready to cum, he asked "May I?" and i allowed him to cum in my mouth and then i swallowed it like the dirty little whore i am... *against the rules - More on this later in my next post*... Then, i blew him like my life depended on it. i wanted to make up for the lack of sex this time, so we tried a couple of different positions of oral and i was able to have him cum in my  mouth again *oopsie*

We played with rope and he made me a beautiful red rope corset, had fun with Florentine flogging, played with Goliath, and beat my ass with a light colored maraca looking item... It was fun seeing my butt jiggle in the mirror when he was hitting me with that toy... It was more fun to see his reactions as we played since he forgot for a bit that i could see him in the mirror, lol...

Then, we went to the guest room and snuggled into the bed together. i was looking forward to talking to him in his sleep... Interacting with his dreams... But that didn't end up happening because Daddy decided the sleepover wouldn't work for Him because of work the next morning... So i put everything away and kissed Sire and Sweetheart goodnight a few times.

He whispered his love to me again as i got into our car... It felt good to hear it again, as he was sending me away... It felt more real, if that makes sense...  i am used to men telling me that they love me just to get a good fuck... It has happened before and those men are not in my life anymore... Cuz they meant it conditionally... i have no room in my life for conditional love... My heart is waiting to see how conditional his love is, i guess... Although, based on his definition of love, my heart is being silly... Silly heart...

Quick like a fox...

One last thing that i want to write about Rope Night that also needed to stand alone...

My Ma'am was able to tie me and bunny hop me around for a bit at Rope Night. My progress within our dynamic has been rewarding and She was ready to release me based on this progress. After playing around for a bit, it became serious...

i was released from Her service, quick like a fox with her special rope work... and with tears in my eyes and joy in my heart, i thanked Her. She was there for me when i needed Her and was ready to relinquish control when She felt i was ready. She taught me about being open to trust others. She taught me about respect. She taught me about being proud of myself and my role in this life.

She stated that She was proud of me and honored to help me return to my slave/servant heart when i couldn't find my way. She helped during a time when Papa Bear was struggling with His own grief by providing direction to get me back into my rhythm gently. My Ma'am will always have my respect and devotion and i only hope that i continue to bring pride to Her when i cross Her mind...

Punctured

Nervous in the back seat... Sitting and watching and listening... Wanting to pull her into the back seat with me so i could play while Master drives... Thoughts racing about her... Her eyes... Her lips... Her fangs... Her giggle... Her shyness... All endearing...

i want to walk her to the door and kiss her, but she says no when i ask to walk her to keep me out of the rain... Rain pours outside, streaming down the windows... A clatter and then she gets out, searching under the seat for her phone. i want to help...

Outside the car, cold rain hitting me, and i don't even feel it as i search for her phone. Wanting to serve... Wanting to give... Wanting to kiss... Found it!

Soft and deep hug, when lips grazed my cheek... Not enough... Her face in my hands... Kissing, first soft, then much more urgent... Tongues dancing within...

Ouch! A fang pierced my lip, and suddenly i want more... i want to throw her down and fuck her in the yard in the rain... Looking into her eyes... Wanting...

So cold!! The fucking rain stops it all... Master tells me to get back in the car... To get warm... i listen and lick and nibble the puncture she left me with...

Rope Night is the Shit!!

Oh my goodness! Last night had me floating!

After a short and quick day at work yesterday, i came home to Master and lil fox... It was nice to be greeted by them both... Waiting outside for me to get home...

i gave them both hugs and then went inside to get ready for Rope Night. Showered, legs shaven, face washed... Then i followed my Master's order to tell her to come get ready. Once lil fox walked into our bedroom, i shut and locked the door and laid down on the bed in just a red lacy bra, per Master's order again... He is really enjoying giving me an order and then giving her an order so we don't know what we are going to do to or with each other from the other person's perspective, which i find pretty erotic and adorable. My Master is such a good slave-owner and Daddy...

Anyways, i digress... So then she comes over with these fangs on. i asked what her Daddy told her to do and she looked worried and said she knew of a ticklish spot..
 i asked to determine which one, but the adorable response i received wasn't a location... Just the knowledge that she only knew of one... And then she leaned in and started nibbling my ribs... Now, in the right frame of mind, that shit tickles, but with her leaning down to nibble while i lay on the bed, it just turned me on...

Her eyes searching to see if she was doing it right... Her surprise when i told her i wasn't ticklish right then... Her bigger look of surprise when i flipped her onto the bed and started nibbling on her... Then i asked if i could bite her... Like really bite her... And she gave her permission before i bit hard into her ribs... She didn't even flinch... Just made me want to bite more and harder to find her limit, lol... But not tonight... Tonight is about the fun of rope...

After i got ready in my candy cane thong, we went out to eat at Quiznos. In the car, she rode next to Master and i loved being in the backseat, singing to the music, messing with her and ticking her in her seat in front of me, kissing Master... At Quiznos, i sat her next to Master and myself across from Him... This made her look puzzled so i explained that in my fantasy, i am the third wheel... That seemed to clear up the puzzlement and help her understand the spot that we could see her occupying with us...

Then to Rope Night and it was EPIC!!

Sire and Sweetheart were right outside when we got there and i was able to give hugs all around. My breasts were level with Sire's face in my tall red heels, which lit his face up most of the night! i kissed him a hello and was introduced to his lovely wife again. We found our rug and set up shop. i received amazing rope work from Master. Feeling His Papa Bear cuddle bug energy seeping into everything He was doing, even his rope work was more snug than usual. i love Master's hugs!

After i was tied, Master went out for a smoke with lil fox and i was able to spend time with Sire, his wife, and Sweetheart. This time i was able to spend a little one on one time with Sire's wife as well and we have had some similar experiences in life. We also love the same tea flavors and a good Cabernet Sauvignon. Twinsies!!

Master then untied me so that Sire could tie me. Before i was tied, we enjoyed wandering around the art gallery side on our way to the restroom. i thoroughly enjoyed discussing the workmanship of this one wooden piece with its ornately carved doors with Sire and reviewing the paintings on the walls.

Sire very tightly bound me. He bound my fingers in a coin knot and then bound my arms so i had some mobility. Then he bound my arms to my chest and my legs together, removing that mobility. Then, he pulled me into his lap and held me like a babygirl. He kissed my shoulders and lips while tying me and i could feel his heart and passion pouring into his hands and rope...



Then, the event was over and we said or goodbyes to our new poly family. As we sat there, on the mat, cuddling and tying and spanking and flirting, the love blossomed and overtook my vision of the night. We laughed heartily at jokes. We snuggled together. i saw Master's face light up as lil fox and Sweetheart and Sire's wife all received the Papa Bear cuddle... Should be a fetish... Papa Bear Cuddles - all about it... But these people and this time... It was the first time since September where sadness over losing my son didn't enter the picture... It was the first time when i looked around at all of this happy love and felt at peace...

Sire received a preview kiss that hopefully excited him for the main event tonight... i kissed and hugged Sweetheart and reminded her that i was also excited to play with her as well. She is beautiful and adorable and i am excited!! Then, Sire's wife kissed the top of each breast since they were level with her face as well, lol, and we hugged and discussed planning a hang out in January.

Then we took lil fox home and the next post will include that moment because it was so special that it must stand alone...

Poem #3 from Sire

"Blushing Cara Mia"

Oh the joy of making her blush.

Eyes absorb images
Ears absorb sounds
Flesh absorbs contact

Soon she will see my face again...
and she will blush.
Soon she will hear my voice again...
and she will blush.
Soon she will feel my hands again...
and she will blush.

Oh the joy of making her blush.

Her cheeks flush with blood gives me pleasure, because of the cause, not the effect.

It's her heart...

Suddenly, because of me, it's beating faster.

Blood flows quicker, veins dilate.

She's blushing...

In that instant I see the confirmation....I've stirred her heart once more.

Her heart that's awakening for me...

From my heart....Sire

New friend - lil fox

How interesting! Tonight, i really wanted to go to the coffee, but couldn't because we were lacking a sitter. So i thought tonight was going to be a quiet day in...

As i was chatting with this new little fox we met (that is correct, she identifies as a fox!), it turned out that she wasn't doing anything tonight, so Daddy drove and picked her up. She came over and colored with me. We got to know each other a little better. We both snuggled with Daddy together.

We also reviewed our play bag and i could tell that she may have been interested in trying it, but she was also afraid of getting hurt... We assured her that she could watch me and watch our interactions first, so she can see how He is with me. She seemed to like that idea, so next time...

She looked deliciously nomable though in her busty shirt and her shorts... And her orange-ish fox hair on her pale skin... Beautiful... Lil fox...

A heart awakened

Your very own poem, Sire...

"A heart awakened"

The pain that put my heart to rest,
gone but a few months,
and slowly, surely, you have awakened me.

Awakened the great within,
the love that flows,
the life that gives.

With words dripping of honey and sweetness,
kindness and strength,
understanding and, dare I say, love.

A heart, awakened,
glimpsing the hope of a new joy,
a new experience,
a new peace.

Awakened... by you...

From the heart of foxy

Poem #2 from Sire

Preview Kisses, before the  "Main Event"

9 days have passed since I've tasted her lips

9 days too long her mouth absent of mine

5 days still till the "Main Event"

5 days still till my sweet is mine

But 4 days from now we'll wet our appetites.

4 days from now I'll give her preview kisses.

I'll kiss her body with my rope

I'll kiss her body with my hands

I'll kiss her deeply with my mouth.

Preview kisses before the main event

Preview kisses to wet our appetite

Preview kisses in my arms I'll hold her tight

Preview kisses to wet her heart

Preview kisses to wet her....

From the heart of Sire...

Punishment #2

2 hard whaps with the cane... and i went down like a sack of potatoes... A very sexy sack of potatoes, lol, but still...

i almost had a perfect slave day, but i kept forgetting my place when laying down together. This is important to my Daddy, so i need to be more conscientious of where i place myself when we are together.

We have also instituted a new practice where i am not allowed on the furniture at home unless He requests me to use it... i feel like i will probably be writing about punishments a lot pretty soon as i am finally in a headspace that is ready to be trained again... It only took us about 5 years to get the hang of it last time, lol... So this time should go much better, i think...

Talking Dirty

So, last night, Daddy and i played so much and i had so much fun! Daddy says that being a good girl and following orders and getting stuff done makes Him very happy and makes Him want to play with me.

Last night was seamless! Dinner went smoothly and Daddy enjoyed a 3 course meal (salad, spaghetti/meatball, pumpkin spice cheesecake with coke/whiskey) served promptly... i am so proud of how it went and the level of service i provided for my Daddy was perfect! Then, we caught up on shows together and watched a movie.

At bedtime, we sang Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer as a family and put the kids to bed. Then we medicated and went to bed. We had amazing anal sex... As He pinned me to the bed, slamming into me, i talked so dirty to Him. Some of the things i said included:

Yeah, fuck Your dirty whore's ass...
Did You like seeing your dirty whore in her pretty lace panties?
Yah, Your whore looked classy, didn't she?
Fuck Your dirty, classy, little whore's ass!

There were so many others, but these stick out in my head, lol. Afterward, Daddy looked really tired, but i just had so much energy... So Daddy turned on some music and had me dance for Him. i let my body move with the music and before long, He wanted to play...

So, i was able to play!!!! Yes!!!

Daddy cupcaked my breasts in some leg cuffs, damn 34DDD, and started beating the undersides with our 5 cane. It was amazing! i took so much! He was so proud! He also got my quads, still sore from leg day, and my ass, also sore from leg day, lol... Damn squats and morning glories and dead lifts... But it hurt so good... Like a deep tissue sports massage...

Afterward, He thanked me for the dirty talk... It was so hot!!

Poem #1 from Sire

i received this beautiful poem from Sweetheart's Daddy, who i will refer to as Sire from this point on.

"Kisses that matter...
Twinkling eyes that flatter...
Caresses that make the heart pitter-patter...

A solitary tear rides a wave of emotion...
Intimate acts that inspire devotion...
The smell of her skin compels my body to motion...

Her smile tender and innocent as a dove...
Entwined bodies fit like a glove...
An acorn is planted, will it grow love?..


From me to you my sweet....:)"

Posted with permission, of course...

The kisses that matter

So, right now, i am trying to learn about a different way for my poly heart to get what it needs without destroying my primary relationship in the process and without hurting others... Focusing on connections where our dynamic stays whole and playing with others that understand our dynamic is important. i am finding that this is one of the important parts to having a healthy marriage in this dynamic for us, if we want to enjoy being poly.

i had so much fun with Sweetheart's Daddy last night and my Daddy had so much fun with Sweetheart and we were able to stay together the entire night! i loved the ability to share the experiences with my Daddy and i was also happy to see how proud He was of His little whore as i serviced her Daddy to the best of my ability.

A couple of days before last night, we determined that i would be ready to do anything with Sweetheart's Daddy that Daddy wanted to do with Sweetheart that was permitable. i knew that He was interested in sex at the most, so i was fully prepared to have sex again. i was a little worried, because of the past... But if i let the past dictate my actions, i would shut down that part of me entirely, losing a piece of myself. i refuse to lose a piece of me due to fear... i focused on being present with her Daddy and he took amazing care of me, getting to experience the pleasure of me squirting, lol...

In one part of the evening, Daddy and Sweetheart were in the other room, playing with electric on the bed (the look on His face as He zapped her and she giggled was priceless - so fucking happy - goofy kid-like grin), and i was laying down, back all the way in the couch, with her Daddy laying in front of me. We laid there, cuddling, chatting, and sharing little kisses, which is one of the most intimate acts that i feel like i can share with someone...

These kisses were a part of our conversation... Our mouths learning each other after sharing words of the past... Deep passionate hard kisses, soft little quick kisses, nibbling sharp smooth kisses, big wet sloppy kisses... Topics and kisses of all kinds... And then, there i lay, eyes closed after a deep kiss, his face hovering above mine... i opened my eyes to see his lips parted, but not going in for the kiss this time... Letting me come to him, tentatively, searching, light little licks on his lips...

The kisses that mattered were those... Little explorations into the temptation of an open heart who understands me with a familiarity that is interesting... Understands my losses... Understands my heart... Understands my dislike of this wall i have built to protect me from myself... Understands my need to go slow... Understands the offering of hope and the passage of time... Understands the kisses that matter...

For now, i am so very pleased with how well i followed my Daddy's directions and with how proud i made Him. i worship the ground that He walks on and would do anything for Him...  The new experiences are serving as wonderful distractions from my pain...

Blocks - written Friday... Forgot to post it, lol

So, i made it through Thanksgiving... Phew... And now i am eagerly awaiting Saturday...

i am such a good girl for my Daddy. He has been telling me about how proud i make Him every day. i have not been this happy in a while outside of the emotional breaks i have had in relation to my son. When i am with Him, my focus is on Him, so i am able to serve Him better. i feel that He is actively engaged in our conversations and that He is taking the time to make sure i am okay.

My trust in Him is increasing more each day. My heart is so guarded right now because it hurt to love... i don't want to hurt, but should i rob myself of the ability to love because i am scared of hurting? For now, i am still blocked, but i think that in time, my blocks will soften and i will trust and love again...

Punishments Renewed

My first punishment happened on Tuesday of all days. Already in a poor mood because of the upcoming holiday, Daddy allowed me to stay home from work and decided to play to see if that would help me feel better as play usually does...

We start off with a blow job, which is a normal start for us, but he is going harder and more furious then ever and i feel myself heaving. i tap out and for the first time, He ignores it! Straight up ignores me, causing me to vomit all over His cock, which i personally feel is disgusting. i kept as much in my hands and mouth as i could, running to the bathroom. i finished vomiting in there... 

i came out of the bathroom frustrated... i hate vomiting and He knows it and yet He pushed me there... Unintentionally, He says, but i think He would have listened to my tap out if He did not want to push me so hard... So then He gets a new toy that we have played with once and hits the same spot 3 times in a row after i said my position was fine, with attitude... Who cares that i started out having the shittiest day in the world... Who cares that just moments ago, i was ignored and it caused me to do something i hate doing unintentionally... Well, i do... i care...

So I started yelling at him that it hurt and he threw the toy down and stomped away to the shower... At which point, i followed him to ask why he would promise to give me such a fun and relaxing time, only to hit me really hard with a toy we haven't really used... He ignored me and got in the shower...

Later, He told me that it was a punishment and  that He gave it to me because of my attitude. i explained my automatic response and that we hadn't worked on training and i wasn't aware that a punishment would even be coming. i apologized for my inappropriate response and requested that Daddy let me try to take my punishment again.

So He did... And i took it... Like a good girl... And then we played...

Slipping

i am slipping back into the abyss of darkness within my sad heart. Thanksgiving is coming and my mind keeps catching on my son not being there. My eyes pour out the tears and my heart slowly sobs. i am having difficulty thinking of anything else...

i miss his laugh... Oh goodness do i miss his laugh... i can picture him wandering around at dinner pulling pieces of food off of everyone's plates... He was such a food thief! If you didn't let him take any food, he was likely to lean in and bite you and then lean back and giggle about it...

Such a fresh and open wound, festering with remorse, guilt, regret, and bewilderment... i am remorseful that he is no longer in my life and miss hearing his noises... Sometimes, i watch videos on the times we were together to feel him with me. i feel guilty for spending time on people other than him. Then, i see the good and remember that they provided me with a welcome escape during an extremely emotional and devastating time in my life...

... i feel regret for not being right next to him the second he passed... Daddy was there, but i just couldn't stare at him as he withered away... i am bewildered by my ability to be okay and keep pushing forward on some days and by my inability to do so on others... Today is one of those sad days...

i am not okay. A piece of me has not been right since i lost my little boy... When will i ever be alright again... It feels like never right now...

Pleasing Daddies

Last night was so fun on so many levels. To start off the night, we visited with several friends. i love socializing with my friends and seeing all the fun designs. My prior rigger was there suspending his wife and tying up their new girlfriend. It was nice to chat with all three and not feel as if i was crazy. i am so happy to see them enjoying the life i was a part of showing to them. i love helping people open their eyes to all of life's pleasures...

Daddy tied me up first, with a harness that we had practiced at puppy's house. He did an amazing job and was great at fitting it around me. He then found another tie in the book to wrap up my hips. He was exquisite. i felt His love in His hands as He laid His rope across my naked skin.

When He went out for a smoke, He took me with Him and hid me behind a wall to avoid being seen by the public. It was exciting!! Then, He left me just inside the door as He threw His cigarette away. i stayed there, like a good girl and waited for Him to come to me.

We chatted with friends for a bit and then Daddy took the tie off and retied my hands above my head and behind my back. After a couple of pictures, He removed the tie. Then, as He helped a new couple start to tie, i sat with the couple we played with on Saturday.

i enjoyed chatting with the sweetheart about educational pursuits, which i love to discuss. i also enjoyed watching her Daddy tie another woman. i inquired on if he would tie me and he said he would with my Daddy's permission. i asked Him and Daddy said yes!!

On our way back from the restroom (always important to go potty before getting tied up), He bought a new dragon tail with a yellow striped handle. He gave it to the sweetheart and she started practicing with it on my nipples, which was very lovely.

Then, her Daddy tied me up. His rope was soft and red. As he laid his rope, i could feel the amount of control he was exercising as his hands rubbed and grazed my body. The rope hugged my arms to my side and still allowed me to move slightly. His soft touch and happy countenance brought me such joy. He even apologized any time his hands came in contact with my panties! What a gentleman!

After taking pictures, her Daddy untied the rope. While it was coming off, i started to slip into space. my Daddy leaned in and issued the command to orgasm, and so i slipped further and came in His arms. He whispered into my ear that i was a good girl.

Then, we showed Daddy what the sweetheart's practice with the dragon tail perfected. One of the snaps got me to an 8 and then Daddy pinched it and escalated it to a 9, which brought tears to my eyes... Daddy gave me a hug and told me how proud He was of me, which made the tears worth it... Made anything in the world worth it. i love pleasing Him!

Returning to U/us

My serving nature is coming back!! It was awakened again after the party on Saturday. Today, I had another panic attack when I woke up, but Daddy helped me settle back down by allowing me to suck his cock. Kneeling down between his legs and using a new technique that he asked for after this weekend...

When he first asked me to change the way I gave him a blow job, I became upset. I mean, I have been deep throating the shit out of his cock for a little over the last year cuz that is what he wanted. Then he bragged about it and I got to share my gift with others and now, he wants it different... I just thought to myself that I must not have been giving him the best over the last year and I was disappointed that I hadn't done better... Found better for him...

Then, I talked to him about this feeling instead of bottling it up and trying to push it down and he reminded me that I am amazing. He told me that I have given him amazing blow jobs this whole time and that he had forgotten how good it was to let me play with it before going balls deep. He reminded me that I changed my style to fit his needs then, just as I would now...

And I knew... I knew that he was impacted by this weekend as well... I knew we had grown back together again... I knew that we were U/us again...

Private Play Party cherry popped!

Last night was our first private play party and it was amazing! Our Host and hostess had delicious snacks, booze, and a fun space. We had an amazing time!

To start off the night, we went out to eat with puppy and her Master. Walking into a Rubio's dressed for a fun adult party was awesome! i personally loved the attention i received whenever getting up to refill our drinks. 

Then, we showed up to the party with my rope back pack, our suitcase of fun, my purse, and a lunch box of bottled waters. We all hung out in the kitchen and chatted for a bit until Daddy wanted to play. We got the party started of course! That is my favorite part... Being the first to be bold enough to get naked and start playing with toys. 

So i get on the cross and Daddy takes out our new bison flogger, which we just purchased that morning at the Kink Karnival and he had been looking for and wanting for the last 6 months, and starts getting me with it. It was thuddy at times and stingy at times. An interesting feeling across the board. i LOVED it! It slowly pushed me into a nice sunny space... Well that and the vodka, lol...

Then, Daddy bent me over the couch and used our new cane bundle (don't know what else to call it, lol) on my ass for a while. i am also pretty sure that He used a couple of the paddles as well. i felt so cared for! 

We played with the stupid electric wand as well, but He used pretty low settings because He knows i hate it. He loves me do much to consider that. i kept telling Him that He should still play with it, even though i don't like it because i get off on pleasing Him... It is nice to know that He heard me. i just love Him so much...

Did i forget to mention that i had a shock collar on the whole time? Oh ya, it looks like i did... 4 shocks and only 1 was for doing something wrong... The other 3 were just showing how it works... The thing i did wrong... Forgot the extension cord for the electric wand... Fucking electric always gets me in trouble... Lol

After that, we took a break. Then Ma'am arrived and i entered into a different head space all together... A space I/i haven't lived in before... She is captivating... And i just want to serve perfectly to make her proud of me. I am finding that I want my caregivers to be proud of me and who i am and what i bring into the experience. i think it hits me harder with her, but i don't know why... 

Why would i feel so compelled to make her proud when i don't feel as compelled with my Daddy?  Great question to ponder...

The rope work she performed was just what i needed. She tied and jostled me about at the same time, pushing and pulling, tipping and adjusting. She choked me and i dropped a little deeper into my space... i felt safe and calm and happy... 

After putting Her rope away (hopefully i did a good job... i will be practicing that method before Friday), i stood up to find Daddy on the couch having fun with a wonderful sweetheart that we have known for a while. It made me so happy to see Him experiencing that moment with joy on His face. He looked over to me and the faintest look of concern crossed His face... He is so thoughtful!

i immediately allayed His concern by coming to Him and joining in. i also enjoyed getting to please her Daddy orally as well. We had connected earlier in the party when discussing the loss of my son. It was nice for me to see that he was still happy and alive at the end of the day... You know... Hope...

At the end of the night, i felt safe, appreciated, loved, and acknowledged. i felt that my Daddy was proud of me and hoped that i also made Ma'am proud as well...i think i have found that bringing pride to my Daddy puts the biggest smile on my face...

Playing hooky

So, i stayed home from work today with Daddy. i just felt that today was a day to reconnect... Spend time together, just us two, with kids at school and daycare... i was right... We needed it...

In focusing on my happiness, i am increasing communication with my Daddy... For those who know me, you are probably thinking, what? How can i increase communication? i am probably the most talkative person anyone knows... But really, i talk about a lot, just not myself and my feelings... Especially when i think those feelings would make someone else feel horrible... The feelings i have that could upset someone else get locked away unless they serve a logical purpose... Until now...

So i told Daddy that i wanted a day for us and He gave it to me. He took me to a movie that was funny but sad. Then we went to my favorite burger place and He ordered me this amazing burger that i would not have ordered for myself as i am still trying to flatten my tummy, lol... And it was delicious as all get out...

When we got home, He had me dress up in my red school girl outfit and then we played with two knives... One that we had played with before and another one that He had not messed with because it is the real deal... A sharpened Buck knife... He told me not to move and used it blade side down on my face, chest, and arms... i felt safe, yet daring and overly excited...

It felt like my face was opening as He drew the blade down my left cheek, but He did not leave a single scratch... The amount of control He had over me and over the knife was intoxicating and i remembered why i gave myself to Him as a slave 6 and a half years ago... Why our love has always worked for us... What i, myself, was looking for... We lost it in the most difficult times in our lives... But i can see the glimmer of hope that we can get that back and even better... We have made mistakes, sure... But that's life... And we are fucking living it, hahaha...

Great friends and next steps

My heart feels as though it is starting to heal... i am glad that i am focusing on feeling my feelings. i can feel sad and upset and that is okay and so is feeling happy and excited. Being vulnerable is so hard because i can never be quite sure who to trust with my heart and with my secrets. i am glad i have a great group of friends who know me.

After talking with one in length today, i was surprised at how amazing i felt when i decided to say that right now, my happiness is what matters to me. Normally, i throw myself into trying to make someone else's dreams come true... Well, not anymore... Right now, i am focusing on my dreams and what i want in life.

Step 1: What do i want in life?
- happy home life with time spent together
- financial security and freedom
- yearly vacations
- have our home work smoothly and cohesively
- look and feel good and confident
- make the world a better place
- offer support and advocacy

Step 2: let life happen and focus on these items - jk

Right now, i can focus on having our home work smoothly and cohesively. The first step in this is to clean the house so it is like new... Can't really redecorate or anything until stuff is cleaned and put away... Today, i am supposed to focus on the bedroom and so far, i have done nothing... Sigh... Better get to it...

Also need to continue to serve Daddy by getting stuff ready at bedtime. i really want to make Him proud of me, so i think i will be dressed sexily for when He gets home...

Step 3: to be continued...

i can be me, because He loves me

Starting to deal with pretty severe anxiety/panic attacks when I wake up in the morning and realize again that my son is really gone... This realization seems to be crippling me emotionally and stopping me from progressing forward in my life. I am trying to become better.

I want to get back to being me... Maybe the me I was at the very beginning of this year... Around February... Happy, hippie foxy that typed I in lower case to show her place at her master's feet and capitalized the m in master just to show how much it meant to her to take the time to fix the auto correct that happens on the phone, lol...

The foxy that just listened happily to her Daddy's directions and completed task lists every day and cooked enough food for a whole week in advance so her family would stay healthy...

The foxy that loves everyone and isn't afraid of getting her heart broken... Cuz her heart is already locked in a beautiful golden cage within her Daddy's mind... After all, i am a fox in His cage... i have been for so very long and it is a place where i am happy and secure and loved and strong and fierce and everything i want to be and more... Because He loves me...

He truly loves me... The real me that most others find overwhelming or strange... The me that has difficulty asking for things... The me that befriends everyone and fills up my day with things to stay productive... The me that cries and the me that storms around like a tornado... Not the me that yells, lol, i mean He loves that me, but He does not like that me at all and will not tolerate that kind of bullshit, lol...

i am trying to get myself together... i really am... To make that happen, i will need to rebuild myself again and redefine myself again... And the foundation of this rebuild is His love for me and my love for Him... After all, that is what i started with when we made this life together... i can be me, the real me... Because that is the me that He, the most important person in my life, loves. The me that is... Just foxy.

Little subbie

Last night, Daddy played with me with my favorite toys... Ropes and knives. First, Daddy bound one wrist, then wrapped my tummy a couple times and bound the other wrist on the other side. If I moved my arms too much, the rope tightened around my tummy... It was very interesting and made me very horny...

Then Daddy tucked my arms in with a blanket and took out a big knife that he pushed into me.

"Who is my little subbie", he asked...

I could feel the lick of the blade, but no blood was spilled.

"I am", I responded...

He placed it in different positions and moved it different ways until I was gone to space... I don't remember much after that... Except that I love him... :)

Sub space found again!

Well... I am still crying a lot by myself... That is when the sadness creeps in... When I am alone and there is no one to text but Papa Bear, who is driving to work as I type this, so not a great time for texting/talking. When I am with people, it is easy to focus on creating a happy experience for them (my real kink, lol) instead of the missing little boy I want to hold in my arms... This was my first holiday without him and it hurt so badly...

If you were following this to learn anything about being a slave, now is the time to stop reading and move on to another blog, lol... At least for now, we have dissolved our M/s relationship. I am still submissive to my Papa Bear and will still listen to him most of the time since I enjoy being his babygirl.

So it has looked a little different the past couple of days. I am forcing myself out of my comfort zone and asking for things... This may seem small, but we were having pizza yesterday and there were 2 slices of the Works and then a bunch of pepperoni... Now, Papa Bear prefers the Works and is not actually a fan of pepperoni, so normally I would give him both slices of the Works and I would take pepperoni as I like pepperoni... But instead, I asked if I could have one because I like the Works more than pepperoni... Heart racing... And he said yes, lol... And then told me I was a good girl just for asking... It was a big moment for me... You know, I couldn't even ask to give a blow job before without him telling me the words to say, let alone request a slice of his favorite pizza, lol...

It was also amazing to release the need for perfection that I was holding onto. As a slave, I want to be perfect for my Master... I want to anticipate his needs and keep life happy for him. I have been struggling with anticipating my own needs lately and have been full of sorrow... Once I let that need for perfection go, I was finally able to find sub space in a play session we had the other night... It was the most intense anal session I had in a while, but it took me over the edge and I slipped away.

He has become so primal with his craving for me that it is intense. He has become so passionate and I am back to beating him off of me with a stick, lol, which he will then take away and spank me with. We are getting back to our playful relationship that we had before... Finding each other in the aftermath of losing our son has been hard, but we were both made to overcome difficult situations... That's why we belong in each other's arms... At the end of the day, we were made for each other and can overcome anything. Love you, Papa Bear!

Escape

Sitting broken,
Waiting for the words
That may bring me back
From the brink of the void...

Lost and alone,
Dying of heart break
And agonizing over small
Things that don't matter...

Sad and frustrated
By a connection divided
And a heart that is closing
Its doors for the first time...

Melting into this,
This illusion of my own making
And this perception of reality.
How do I escape?

~Foxy Canidae~

Alone...

The house is quiet and the kids are sleeping. Daddy is gone and I feel so alone... And sad... I miss his noises right now and not hearing them is making me cry... After Daddy would leave for work, my boy would start giggling and squealing with joy in his room. I would go open the door and he would turn and smile at me... My little lost love...

I am crying so hard right now, it hurts... Everything hurts so much when I feel alone... When I have to work through my sadness... I was stalking fet, which I do often, because I like to stay updated on my friends. Well, my exes updated their dating stats recently, so I got hurt. And then I stopped and asked myself, why did that hurt? And I thought about it and I was hurt because I couldn't believe that my friends would want to date a woman who would tell them that they could not help a friend through the loss of her son with rope because of an insecurity... I thought they were smarter than that...

So I went to read her profile... And then a very specific writing that she did... And I have to believe that she never thought of me as a friend who needed help... They probably didn't think to bring that up to her... Cuz why would they... Our relationship was over before they connected and they had started to build something new and I was seen as the ex girlfriend, like back in high school, lol... And so I am dropping the hurt and letting it go... She seems like an amazing person based on the writing I loved...

I know that some of you reading this might be uncomfortable at this point, but I really don't give a shit... This is my life and my story and I get to write it... It is up to you to read it... Or not... Lol ;)

Good morning, Daddy... i mean Master!

One of the new things I have really been focusing on to improve our dynamic is waking Papa Bear up properly...

I usually start out sleepy when his alarm goes off or when mine does (on days he works, we wake up earlier) and shift over to him to start nibbling on his nipple closest to me. I love to nibble and it is a sure fire way to get him hard if he doesn't wake up that way (which is pretty rare)...

After he says good morning, I say "Good morning, Daddy" and rotate so I am kneeling against him, with my butt near that nipple I was nibbling and my mouth poised above his cock where I ask his permission to suck it. This reminds me that I am his little baby doll and that I need to ask for things sometimes... When Papa Bear is my Daddy, he cuddles and cares for me so sweetly and will give me anything I ask for within reason...

Then, I start sucking his cock lightly, the way I prefer to suck it. That always wakes him up further, which causes him to ask who I belong to and shove my head down, all the way down, on his cock. I answer with a muffled "I belong to you, Master" so that I can be let up before I vomit and then I receive a couple of light spankings. This repeats a couple of times. Then he calls me a good girl and I ride him until he cums all the way awake! When Papa Bear is my Master, he is specific and rough and demands nothing but the best from me. He lets me know that when he wants something, he will just take it or demand it so I don't need to worry about missing a requirement of his...

Such a wonderful experience with Papa Bear in the morning, because it helps me see 2 very specific sides of him. The Daddy who wants nothing more than to take care of everyone around him and the Master who wants to be selfish and create the life he wants to experience. So intoxicating for me... Cuz I need to be cared for, but I need to also be pushed... We really were meant to be together, lol ;)

D/s dynamic - the start

Last night, I was so nervous... You know, that first date kind of jittery nervous that comes with wanting to make the right impression on an individual... Granted, I am not dating... Or even looking for a romantic relationship outside of the one I have with my Daddy. I am taking a year long break from romantic relationships and just learning to be me again... I need to be secure in myself and what I am looking for before I hop out there again and I think a year is a good goal...

So then, one might ask, who is this individual you want to impress? Well, since I asked, lol... I found a woman who I believe has the ability to actually dominate me. I am highly intimidated by her when she doesn't even try to intimidate me. There is an innate power that I can feel, even when I just think of her presence...

You see, I need help and I recognized that this last week. I am constantly falling apart and my ability to serve has been compromised. I know who I want to be and the life I want to have, but I need a practiced hand who doesn't love me to help me out. So I felt her out at Rope Night when I was in my element and her energy just vibed with mine as she tied me up...

So I asked her if she would be interested in dominating me... That's right! I asked!! Via Fet IM, but that is still a huge step for me... So weird and out of my norm, but I am going to need to push myself to achieve what I want sometimes...

We texted a bit about expectations before meeting up to discuss the potential D/s dynamic that could exist. We reviewed limits, play experiences, and basically what I am looking for to see if it is something she can provide. She notified me that she has had experience in this area in the past and would enjoy meeting with me to discuss and see if she will take me on.

My first task was to dress like the lady I love to be! This worked really well for me because I was already wearing my prettiest dress yesterday with my favorite cardigan and yellow shoes. I became nervous and antsy as the orientation wrapped up because then it was time to find her at the event.

I found her surrounded by friends and being the life of the party. I watched her interact with a submissive that was in her care and with another friend that she had tied before... I was enthralled by this young woman who already knows who she is and what she wants and it was intimidating.

Here I am, 9 years older than her, searching for her guidance and help. I am ready to jump all in, like I do, into this new dynamic. As we sat across the table from each other, she emphasized the importance of open and clear communication, respect for my current dynamic, respect for her and how she will help, and again outlined that she and I will not be romantic or even considered a secondary relationship. She is a third party entity/mentor that is here to provide me with the guidance I need to get my shit in order.

She then asked if I had any questions... I was completely tongue tied! Me!! The girl that never shuts up, could only muster a no, not that I can think of. I didn't ask about her experience. I didn't ask what types of things would be expected or what time she may need. I didn't ask for references or what she might do to me... I just trust that she is who I am looking for right now. She said that everything she does will be in my best interest to honor me as the woman and submissive that I am... And I know that she was speaking her truth... I could just feel it... Hopefully, I am right...

I can already tell that this will be good and interesting... And the best part is that the universe brought her back to me when I needed her. You see, I met her before, when I was me... So she has an idea of who that person is and who I am trying to get back to.

Princess! Who me?!

So no alcohol the day before yesterday and yesterday, but my bouts of depression are proving to be difficult for Daddy to handle while also Mastering me... How hard it is to get all of this back under control... I was such a well-behaved slave before... Not perfect, but trying my hardest was good enough...

Now, with the overwhelming depression, I just don't have the want to be better. As my mind processes through everything, my focus on day to day routines has fallen by the wayside... And I know he cares...

The Master inside my Daddy is fuming at the fact that I don't listen and that my trying is readily replaced by giving up the second I come across any sort of resistance... But the Daddy inside my Master is taking over and coddling me, allowing me to throw tantrums, enabling me to lay around and not get things done, neglecting what I need in order to placate me with what I want...

Since when did I become a princess?! That is how he treats me now... Like a spoiled little princess... It has its perks... Cuz I can do what I want and he gives me everything I ask for...

The downside... I think that I have lost respect for him as a dominant... He made bad decisions that created this negative situation for me... He apologized for them, but in reality, I had to go through and clean up all of the mess that erupted because of it... Now that the external messes are all cleaned up and packaged with pretty little bows, I have to go through and clean up the internal messes... But when I focus there, it reminds me of the bad decision and all of the pain that was caused by it... And then I choose to be mad at him for it... I choose to find him guilty of allowing me to connect with people who hurt me... I find him at fault and then I choose to make him pay for it repeatedly... These things were my fault, of course, because I gave my will to him and ownership to him, so I chose to follow his lead... After the mistakes, I tried to create my own life outside of his rules while taking responsibility for myself and that caused an even bigger shit storm...

We talk often about how I should only give my love to those who deserve it and to those who won't hurt me... But the one I trusted above all things made a decision that hurt me because he wanted to show off... And it still fucking hurts! I need to forgive... He was innocent in his mistake and I need to accept that because he was doing the best he could with what he knew at the time... It is so hard to accept that... But I need to... Otherwise, moving forward won't happen... And I will be choosing to stay in the past with regrets...

I don't like regrets and I don't do them... Every past experience has a lesson I needed to learn... I learned that regardless of how much you love people, if you don't have the time they want, they will replace you... I learned that communication is extremely important to me... I learned that I can do all of this by myself if I have to...

I talked with my Daddy about all of these thoughts yesterday and this discussion allowed me to release the pain for now. He is aware that he hurt me and he is aware that sometimes, I am going to need to vent out the frustration... And he will not run away from me if I need to vent in the future... He accepts his responsibility in what happen and that allowed me to accept mine... I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel... At the moment, lol ;)

Also, he has agreed to stop treating me like a princess... I am a slave, so he played with me thoroughly last night and made me beg for his cock, before he let me suck it... Oh my goodness, that little task did wonders for my mindset!!

So it begins

Busted! I am in trouble and have been grounded from drinking for 2 weeks. Why? What horrible thing did you do that took away alcohol, foxy? Well, I chose to go to bed after getting drunk at puppy's house instead of choosing to do my nightly chores. That's right people! I am in training again!

And i couldn't be more excited!!

Daddy and I have been discussing training again for a few days now because I have dropped all of my habits that were trained into me over the last few years... Dammit! I am trying to refocus, so he is helping me get back on track... And the poor guy is dealing with me, a tantrum throwing teenager pretty much (even though I am in my 30s, lol).

We went over to puppy's house to practice some rope. I am so glad that our kids get along and we can let them run around and hang out together, lol, while we do our thing with good friends.

After the boys were all situated, we went into her room and undressed down to our panties. Let me just say that I always enjoy seeing a woman's body and how she shows herself when she gets naked. When I am naked, it is hard to hide behind any mask that I present to the world to protect myself. I am the most of me when I am bared, naked, in front of someone. So I would assume that for most people... But who knows...

She and I were both tied by our Masters after I had about 5 shots of Vodka. We practiced a top tie and a leg tie. The top tie was a little tight after I moved around for a bit, so we didn't keep it on for very long. We watched as her Master dripped hot wax all over her torso and inner thighs... She squirmed at the inner thighs... And he talked to her about attitude issues, which are also my biggest issue... And she communicated back with him about it all as well. It was a lovely scene to watch... We left shortly after they started because Daddy had to work this morning.

When we got home, he sat on the couch and I fell asleep on my bed. This morning, he woke me up (not good) and had me go make his breakfast and get his food ready for his workday. Then he comes out and grabs me by the face in one hand, cupping under my chin, and tells me no alcohol for 2 weeks. As always, I question why (I have to know!). He responds that he was disappointed in me for not getting everything ready for him before going to bed last night (really bad). So I asked why it had to be so long in a bratty tone (really really bad) and he responds with the look that tells me to shut my mouth... And so I listened (good).

This is good. This is another step in the right direction for the story I want my life to be. I am so glad that I get to share my life and the way I create it.

These are not fictitious stories, but are the bare bones of my life and my struggles and successes through it. I say this because I went back and read my last couple postings and thought, this is a great story, but man, if it is real, then I am incredibly interesting and I totally love this girl in this blog. She is fun and sad and energetic and loving and sexual and real and she has gone through some shit, but she still carries on... And as I read her words, it carries me back... Back to those moments... Because they are also happening right now... So I can be happy wherever I am, because all of my loves are always with me... No one can take my memories... I am this girl that I love! How fun!?

After Rope Night

I had the best night ever. I went and was just me and I loved it... Every second of it... Except the very end, lol, but I will get to that...

I wanted to look hot... Super hot... Like the kind of hot you want to look like when you are coming out into a community again... So Master's Puppy helped me get ready! She always helps me look my best!

I wanted to remind everyone of who I am... I think i also wanted to remind myself, lol... I am a ball of happiness and sunshine and I remembered that last night. I needed that so so bad!

I wanted to have fun... Which also happened... I was tied by my Daddy and i was tied by another woman whom now intrigues me. Her touches, her breath on my skin, the feel of my body in her arms, her polite manners, her innate power, her empathy were all very very intriguing to me... Last night was a night where dreams came true for me and the universe unfolded it's love of me right in front of my eyes...

I wanted to be strong and confident... I was able to hold position for quite a while... I was naked most of the night, which makes me happy... Bonus! I got to be naked outside!!! I talked to my exes briefly through the night... Listening to Daddy's instructions to keep it to small talk and not to spend time on others when I could be spending time with him, I spoke with them when the 4 of us were in the same space and once when I was waiting for the bathroom to open up because a girl darted in before me, lol.

I wanted to be human and feel my emotions... And so I felt the stress of seeing people who were mad at me in the same space... I felt anxiety about going in the first place... I felt happiness when we met some new friends and when prior friends popped up again... I felt weird when I didn't just run to Oversoul and throw my arms around his neck and asked what he planned to do tonight... I felt clear when my Daddy took my hand and led me down a happier path... I felt joy when he tied me up and walked me around and made out with me. I felt ecstasy and release when my legs were being tied and Daddy choked me enough to drop me into subspace. I felt like an ass when I went to hug everyone good bye and I just couldn't hug them. My body rejected the thought... The next time will be fine, but this time was a gut reaction that I wasn't prepared for, so I waved and turned to walk sexily out the door, when a guy got in my way and caused me to stumble... And that pissed me off so much... Lol... So I stormed out like a teenager (hello little, lol)... Such a very human experience...

Couldn't have gone better unless I had held in my sadness for those last few minutes... If I could have just made small talk one last time, it would have been perfect... But, you know what... No one is perfect, lol ;)

Sitting in the car, fuming, a hand came in and grabbed my face... Daddy reminded me that I was a good girl and I followed his instructions. He reminded me that their rejection doesn't define me... And he was right... And I settled down and enjoyed the fact that I had a thoroughly amazing night... In everything I experienced, witnessed, and discussed, there was the universe, tipping its hat to me.

Before rope night

After being out of the scene for about a month and a half, I am going back out again tonight. I am nervous, because, let's face it... Everything is different...

I am no longer dating anyone and my rigger started seeing a girl a few weeks ago who is not okay with him tying me, his close friend and bunny for the last 6 months...

So it is me, dragging my Daddy, formerly referred to as Papa Bear, to an event that he could care less about... He is trying to like a kink that he doesn't care for, because he knows that rope is like crack for me... Rope is the only thing I have that sets me free... It helps me deal with life and all of the heart ache I have felt over the last month... Did you know that my son died within days of all of my relationships ending... That's right... Loss upon loss upon extreme loss... And I am still standing, with a pretty smile on my pretty face... Cuz that is who I am... And rope... That was the only thing that helped with the hurt...

Hopefully, Daddy will love it too... Or I will find a girl that enjoys us both and wants to tie me up... Perfect fantasy time right there...

I am me... Finally!

My mind is mine and I sometimes don't think about things the way most people do...

• I have never been most people... I am me
• I have never understood jealousy... I am happy for someone else's happiness... The world needs more happiness.
• I have never understood rooting for someone or something to fail... I always root for success.
• I have never understood wanting to be better than someone else... I focus on becoming the best me I can be.
• I have never understood hurting others or stepping on others for my own personal gain... Helping and loving has always gotten me further.

I still don't, lol... I don't think I ever will understand those feelings for people... And I am glad I won't... I couldn't imagine cheering or hoping for someone to get hurt on their path to their version of excellence. How could that action make anyone feel better about who they are as a person?

I am finding that as my life progresses, the majority of people don't really know me because they are not willing to put in the work to try and understand me... I have 3 amazing friends (a puppy, a kitty, and a frog) that I met at work that I have shared my life with besides my Papa Bear. It took months of talking, listening, explaining, and questioning, but they understand me and see me for who I am.

I have the ability to love everyone, but because the world causes people to become jaded, it is hard for others to understand this love.

I definitely learned that I need to protect myself from my ability to love in this way because, invariably, I am going to get hurt. People will walk away from me because they can and regardless of what they do, I will forgive them... It is who I am... It comes with the love I draw strength from...

Sometimes I wish that I could just follow my favorite song's advice to not give a fuck (pardon my profanities, lol)... But I just can't... My heart loves and forgives... It is like breathing for me...

I wish I could be vengeful and hateful and malicious and burn everything down around me sometimes... I could... I could just lose my shit and go crazy and destroy everything for everyone if I really wanted to... But why? I am bigger than that... Always have been and always will be...

I am done apologizing for who I am and what I do because I have no reason to be sorry... Last time I checked, my Papa Bear told me that I was amazing just the way I am... My dearest friends all think so too...

I may be a little broken after losing my son, but it just broke the part that filtered my actions... I have always been the way I am, but I used to be able to think about things from "most people's" perspective and understand how my actions could be seen and then adjust accordingly to make sure that I didn't make anyone uncomfortable... That part got broken because I am tired of hiding who I am. I am tired of pretending so others feel comfortable. I shouldn't have to. Even if it makes me weird to some and different to most. I am me.

Papa Bear and Little Squirrel

My Papa Bear has really been enjoying texting and talking to our new friend, little Squirrel, who surprisingly enough, came to me outside of the fet community. She is a friend of mine from one of my other circles and something she had posted on Facebook peaked my interest.

As you all know, my life the last month or so has been difficult on several levels. Some of the recent things will take years to feel normal while others are par for the course. It has been a long time since I dated anyone before all of these poly relationships developed.

In hindsight, I moved too fast for a new person in my life to really get comfortable... I was not prepared for what it truly meant to be a slave of my Papa Bear in my secondary relationships... I would not change who I am in all of this and I learned very valuable lessons from those experiences...

Now, Papa Bear and little squirrel are dating and I couldn't be happier. Hopefully, he paid attention to the lessons I learned so he doesn't get his heart broken as well. We had a fun "getting to know you" session as we reviewed my slave contract with Papa Bear and discussed parts that she had questions on. They will not be setting up a contract just yet, but they will be dating, kinda like normal vanilla dating with his wife hanging out from time to time... Lol...

Is it odd that I am totally excited by the fact that my Papa Bear is dating? Not if you know me ;)

Dammit!

Yesterday was a weird and hard day for me. There were so many moving parts to it that this will either be a long long post or I will break it up into a couple of different postings... We shall see...

I stayed home from work... The weekend was harder for me than I thought it would be... My heart had many small moments this weekend where it cracked a little deeper and splintered a little further... You see, I have not actually allowed my heart to shatter at the loss of my son. It is cracking as it is held together, but a time will come where something will hit it just right and it will burst into a million pieces... I can feel it...

So, waking up on Monday was difficult. I woke with a headache and an exhaustion that I am not used to. I hopped up and took care of my Papa Bear, like a good little fox and then made the grocery list. On our grocery trip, I snapped at him... You see, my emotions are all still locked in a box and I have not been myself... I find it difficult to control my tone of voice or understand how I feel about different things... He was making small talk and I jumped down his throat about coddling me... Sigh...

So then we had to talk about it... Talk about the bitchy tone... Talk about the problems... Talk about the ache that I try to ignore... Talk, talk, talk...

After talking, we put our youngest down for a nap and Papa Bear told me to get the ropes. 2 ropes to be exact... And then he tied me up, like really secured my legs open with my wrists bound at my knees, with a little movement possible... Just like I like it... Able to move, but only as far as I am allowed within my limits... My perfect life defined by a length of rope... He then used me as he explained that his rope will always come with being used... I was able to relax more and take a really good amount of anal... Much more than normal... The rope markings were heavenly, as we're the pins and needles as my foot started to wake up (it fell asleep, which made us remove the rope faster).

Papa Bear wished me a fun night on my date as I was scheduled to go to a concert with my Queen and then to do some rope with my Sir afterward. Excited that he provided his blessing, I got ready to go. He had been so good about giving me the time I need away... Allowing me my happy escape...

The concert was pretty dull, but it was nice to chat with and stare at my Queen furtively through the night. I quickly glanced at her, not sure how to behave. I always feel inept when I am with her... I don't know what to do... Ever... I know what to do when we are in a private setting, but out in public or even in the car together, I feel out of place. At one point, we were supposed to be girlfriends, but we never really defined what that meant, so I never really knew what to do, expect, or be... I make the same chatter with her that I do with other friends... I think the only real difference was that she gets the benefits...

So I finally opened my mouth about it... We talked about the awkwardness of the relationship. Of the rocky start that culminated in an explosion and then the rebuild that we were in... I know now that I will never fit the needs that they have... I may provide a welcome escape or stress relief, but they will not be able to love me the way I want to be loved by my significant others... They can provide me with a fun time, but that would be all... So we talked about that as an option... What if I was just a toy to them? What if I was a book to be checked out? It could work, right? My Queen agrees that we need to sit down and talk and discuss and redefine... All of us...

Upon returning home, I turned into a hot mess. I fell apart at the thought of becoming a simple toy to people that I truly love. I started to question my ability to be a real girl... If I am willing to be defined as a toy instead of as a person, what does that make me. I like being objectified, but do I want that more or less... If I really like being objectified, why does being a toy lower the value that I have for myself in my mind? Do I want a relationship with anyone that is devoid of love? Can someone love a toy?

Things were so much simpler before the relationships started... What if i slowly back away? Will anyone even notice? Would they fight to keep me in their lives or be apathetic with the loss of a play thing? Would he care or would he just move on? And so I struggled with it and talked with Papa Bear because our contract defines me as his property, but does not define the relationships I can have with others, other than that they need to ask his permission for access to his slave and that open communication is a must, which are both items I agree with... Does this regulation automatically turn me into a toy in the eyes of others?

Papa Bear stated that he didn't feel like I should be a toy for other people. To him, I am more valuable than to be compared to a library book, to be checked out and returned. Papa Bear believes that the ones that truly love and deserve my time and attention are people that want to hang around with our whole family and want to see me when sexual things are not involved. He wants me to be his toy during sex, but his good girl and slave princess during the rest of the day. He feels like I am worth more than I think I am... He feels like I let people take advantage of me because my heart loves with such a fierceness...

All I know is that I love and live for my Papa Bear. I love my Sir and my Queen, but I cannot be the girlfriend they wanted me to be... I love and miss my pretty girl, but I could not be the girlfriend she wanted either... Lol, maybe I am the crappy poly person...

Am I okay to settle for feeling less valuable so I can have a sexual escape in my life or should I refocus on living for my Papa Bear to get back to the space where I am happiest?

When I am the toy...

Wiped the sleep out of her eyes this morning, looking back at myself in the mirror... She was awake for the first time since he passed... The toy glanced at herself in the mirror and rinsed her mouth out...

Then, she walked back to the room and got in bed next to Papa Bear... He immediately knew it was her... Just the toy... She could tell by the way his hand snakes around her neck and squeezed... He always squeezes her throat when the toy is in charge of me...

She pushed her ass hard against his steel cock... So hard... And he groaned... I thought you said not at your mom's house...

She giggled... Mom said that we could. That is why the boys are out on the couch!... Pushed her ass against him harder, grinding his cock between her ass cheeks, her panties blocking the obvious path he wanted...

He slips the panties off her quickly, wraps a hand over her mouth, and slips his cock into her wet pussy... The toy is always wet and horny... He makes her cum twice to get his cock nice and wet to put in her ass... He whispers... I had the most amazing ass sex with you last night in my dreams...

And then he pushes the tip into that hole and chuckles as she squeaks, trying to keep quiet. Then he gives the order for her to climb on top and ride him. She rides him so hard in the quiet guest bed... Rides him until he cums... She has serviced her Master... She is glowing and floating with the sunshine this morning.

Library Book

So, I was allowed to go on a date with my Sir, and it was so much fun!

To start off the night, we went out to eat. We picked a restaurant close to home and talked about how he would introduce me if we bumped into someone that he knows while out while we were driving over. I was going to be introduced as his secretary, which is a not-so-secret turn on for me, lol...

As we approached the restaurant, he noticed the vehicle of a mutual friend and I saw them sitting on the patio. We quickly walked back to the car without them noticing us... Heart thumping in my throat... That was a close call...

We may be okay with our relationship and so are our spouses, but our non-kinky friends just wouldn't understand... And now we know better as far as eating close to home... Could you imagine what would have happened if they had walked in after we had checked it out for people we knew and then started canoodling when there were none, lol?!

We drove further away and found a restaurant and talked with the waiter as I ate and held his hand. We absolutely love playing with and messing with people. As the waiter looked at him in awe because he had a beautiful girl next to him on a date that belonged to his best friend and a beautiful wife that was cool with it and participated, i could see him swell with joy in this accomplishment... It made me proud to hold his hand.

We went to his place after and played, which is always fun! He hog tied me and then dragged me to the edge of his bed so I could give him a blow job at the same time. We played with knives, which pushes me into sub space so quickly. Oh goodness, how I wanted to take everything he wanted to give. He also tied me up into one of the prettiest designs so far! Then, we snuggled and did aftercare.

Something about him is weirdly familiar to and for me... Like we are intricately connected on an alternate level or different existence of consciousness... Maybe we were lovers in a different time or maybe we will be on the next go around... My heart is full of love for him and I miss him every minute he is not with me...

But the night had to end and as it was ending, he told me he wanted to keep me there. I reminded him he couldn't and he said he knew... Having me is like checking out a book from the library, he said... He can check me out and borrow me, but I am always having to be given back... But the good news is that I can always be checked out again... I kinda like this analogy, because that is how I feel... Like a great library book... I always loved and read library books like they were mine... But at the end of the day, they needed to be returned to the correct place...

Grieving

I am learning that Papa Bear and I both grieve in different ways. Both of us are mourning our loss and it is hard... This type of difference is what you hear about when you hear that marriages and families have fallen apart and dissolved due to a traumatic experience or the loss of a loved one, especially a child... He was 7... I miss him so much... We both do...

I am learning that Papa Bear is wanting to stay close to home and close to me. He wants to stew in the sadness and really feel it to help get through it... At least, that is what it looks like from the outside... I know that he lost the main purpose in his life as he stayed home to focus on our son due to his illness... And now he needs to figure out what to do with his life when we already had it sorted out... That can be overwhelming...

On the other side, I want to escape and run away. I want to get out or at least be playing hard enough that I am distracted from the fact that I lost him in the room I sleep in every night... That he lay on my side of the bed as he left this earth... That he struggled so hard... And that even though I know I couldn't have done any more than I did, I am still sure that I missed something... I am a runner... Don't get me wrong, I will stand and fight for something I believe in... But in a fight or flight scenario, my gut reaction is flight...

So, I talked with my Papa Bear and he is deciding to let me fly when I need to in order to handle my grief and I will support him by being at his side when he needs to cuddle or stew...