Opening up to Sweetheart

I woke up, hating him...

I don't usually do that... I usually wake up with love in my heart, but the frustration bled over from the night before. Another first in a long line of firsts in this new step in our lives, where he gets everything he has ever wanted and I continue to work in a job I hate, without the things I want. I think you can tell that I am just a little bitter about it all... and if you go back and read through this blog, maybe you will understand...

I started talking to Sweetheart about how I hate feeling this way. It doesn't make logical sense for me to dislike her at all, but when I looked at her, I just wanted her gone... away... out of my sight... she asked what part of me wants her gone, which helped me get to the bottom of it...

It isn't that I am jealous of her or her relationship with Daddy... I am jealous of him... he has his escape and mine are gone... He has his new love and i am happy for them, but at the same time, I don't like that he gets to have an amazing distraction from our sorrows when I don't... I don't like that he gets to love another woman when me loving other men always made him upset and agitated...

Sweetheart said that she just wants me to be happy and maybe she could be a toy for me or something since I am not relationshipping right now...

I started to think about it and if she is really staying, then maybe I can open my heart to her. I am still afraid of her leaving. I am still afraid of him leaving. I think abandonment issues from childhood don't ever go away... you just learn how to push them away. Leaving seems more realistic now that my hard limits have been crossed... it drives me crazy that I couldn't tell there was anything wrong that Sunday.

But I pushed past it all and the three of us played together.... more like we both played with her and she played with each of us. Sure, he and I shared kisses, but that was all... it was a fun evening and it went well overall... it seems like it could work...