Hurt Feelings

It has been a long time since I have really had my feelings hurt... let’s just say that in my infinite wisdom, my brain and heart automatically put up a field around my feeling so they don’t get hurt about 2 years ago... I don’t even understand these emotions and feelings about 80% of the time... so the other day when the princess said that sometimes, it’s hard to see the blessings in interacting with me, I was surprised at how my chest felt... I thought I had finally become impervious to any of the words that could fall out of her mouth... but no... I am not... words can and do hurt me still... of course, I lashed back out and asked her if she thought it was easy for me to find blessings... I need to get better control... If I’m actively focused on my dominance, I can’t let anything cause me to interact in a way that doesn’t suit me and the woman I am.

So instead of bottling, I spoke up... this was after we had already had a long day... after we had a very  different food prep than normal... Daddy reassured me that I am always a blessing for him... Honestly, I can’t remember what she said anymore... my brain just stopped listening as tears streamed down my face in the dark and it started processing all of the feels right then... what I learned is that I am starting to care about how she feels about me and I’m not sure how to feel about that... I have tried my best to block myself from feeling anything for her... but the 2 years is almost up and my walls are wavering... is it bad that I just want to sit and see how this goes... see if she can wait for me... or see if her lack of patience at the end of the journey fucks this all up...

As I check in with myself, I can feel that while I am waiting to see how this all plays out, one part of me is rooting for her to fail, while the rest are all rooting for her success. I was pleasantly surprised by that consensus... but it makes sense... I am a good and just person and of course I would want to see her succeed and for our family to exist in the perfect way it was meant to... you know, if I was more like Jesus, lol... I was really fucking surprised that one of my most challenging aspects is hoping to see her cross the finish line... but just barely... on her knees, with one hand outstretched to cross the line... and even more surprised by the side of me that is rooting for her to fail and to prove that I was right and that she couldn’t make it... cuz then it proves Daddy made a bad choice... lol...