Battle Royale

When the commotion in my head becomes too much and feelings won’t make sense, I’m so glad for my PapaBear... he protects and holds me... he gives me a safe space to process... the owner of my heart and asshole, lol...

So, with such feelings jumbling around, I requested time with Daddy just to process and maneuver through what was happening inside with these hurt feelings... many people don’t know, but I live through a personality disorder... forged in my youth as a way to save me from the horrors that were experienced there... my mind compartmentalizes and packages my feelings into distinct personality types... I have been told that I have 4 or 5 alters... as they call them in the psychology books... and this last couple of years has been difficult, but manageable... barely... but I digress...

So when I wrote yesterday, I had started to notice that my feelings were hurt, which means I actually have feelings for her... actual real feelings... like, she has worked so hard and become the girl I am looking for type of feelings... and as soon as I realized that, the battle began... the battle of the voices in my head... I was talking to a good friend about it and I likened it to a council meeting of queens... where each one is just as strong as the one next to her and they all have their own filters, perceptions, wants, and needs... all at war for their beliefs and ideals... with not a lot of concessions or backing down...

It is fascinating and troubling and annoying all at the same time, my mind... but at the end of the day, I was able to take a step forward and release the baggage... release the frustration... drop the anger... and truly embrace the new princess that has walked into my life... the one who persevered through every roadblock I placed gently or aggressively in her way... the one who stood in the fire and the flame and never left... hopefully, she feels like all of it was worth it... she has finally earned the right to be my princess as well... not just His...

And can I just say that already, we are adorable... I am stupid shy when it comes to women showing an interest in me and she is crazy awkward around anyone she is attracted to, so it’s pretty hilarious... been in the same household for 2 years and still fumbling around each other... lol... I’m excited for this new phase.