Roller coaster

I'm feeling sick today, so apparently, it is time for me to write and process through my feelings... these last couple of days , I have been in full review of my past so I can get through some more pain, which is at the route of my illness... at least, hat is my belief based on my newest personal development literature... healing within our hearts is enabled through unconditional love... and when that internal healing isn't occurring, then we get sick, escalate headaches, and create maladies within our own minds...

So, that being said, I am trying to solve my neurosis... I originally found this pain and anger when I was reading through October of 2015s postings... and at that time, I called out for healing... and my rollercoaster continues... I go up and down on this path to healing over the last year and a half... when in reality, everything around me is what I have created based on the energy I was putting out...

He just tells me to be happy... to find the thing that makes me happy and to do that... what does that even mean... I'm just tired of fighting again and I want things to be easy... but they aren't... they won't be... I won't let them be, I guess... since I'm the one in charge of it all... since I create my reality...

I want to struggle so I continue to create relationships of struggle. The princess no longer drives me insane. She's given up on trying because of every block i put in her way and will likely continue to throw up... figured out where that trick came from- looks like it is a mindset adjustment that backfired... need to sit down and review my processes again and make adjustments again and compartmentalize again... just the usual pain circle going on over here... you've seen it before if you are an avid reader of mine... just ignore it because it will get better again soon... it always does...

Back in my hell...

And I'm back here again... back in the anger and frustration of the past... back in that moment of feeling lost and unwanted and undervalued... undervaluing myself and my life and my plans and my goals... and feeling like none of it even matters anyways because one day, I will be gone... and I will be able to cuddle my baby who is no longer physically with me...

Reliving old nightmares of the past and the heartbreak that has been my life... struggling to let the past fall since it is no longer here... but how do you protect yourself from getting into that same situation again? How do you forgive and move forward when your heart is full of fear?

My main focus for meditation today was releasing my anger towards my Master and allowing myself to serve Him again and feel the same way I once did about it... you see, there was a time when serving Him was more natural to me than breathing... it gave me life to be by his side, gripping onto His every word and believing that my service was unique...  it felt better to take care of anything He needed back then... it gave me pride to have Him show me off and offer me as a gift to others...

now... now, it feels forced and i can see that it is no longer unique... there is someone else that can do it too and while she is not quite as good as I am, we all start somewhere... I don't really want to make Him proud enough to share me or offer me to others... I don't want to be in the same situation again where I am given permission to explore... I don't want to have my heart crushed on all sides at once... I almost didn't make it out of that alive... soon, it will be 2 years... 2 years since my son passed and my lovers ran away and my Master showed His selfish side... the side I had been begging for across a span of 6 years before He finally surfaced and lay waste to my universe...

I told Him it was safe to be that way and when He finally stepped up to that plate, I couldn't handle it.  Just like He couldn't really handle sharing me... not all of me, anyway... not the emotions and love that I have and can give. The sex though... He could have shared that all day, cuz it is just a body... His goddess has always been more to Him than that... Now that I have experienced more and tasted more, can I release myself and Him from my madness and my anger at the past... can I let us become what I have always wanted or will I continue to fall down each time I try... how do I release my selfish need to protect myself and trust Him to protect me again when the last couple times didn't work out... how do I feel special and unique when my heart no longer craves to serve as it once did... when the contract I built for Him looks stupid and childish to me now...

fractured and broken... still trying to pull my pieces together...

Princesses get hearts

Princess, foxy, and Papa Bear met on the patio Wednesday night after a day of activity. The kiddos had been dropped off with the in laws for a sleepover and they had a whole house to themselves!!! Papa Bear and foxy sat to smoke after passionately saying hello.

"Go get the play bag out and set up for play, lil princess," says Papa Bear.

"Okay, Daddy!" The princess kissed her daddy deeply and went to the door. As she opened it, foxy told her to get out the things she wanted to play with.

foxy thought about the shoes that were in her closet and that the princess had talked fondly of getting stomped on... Would this be a way for the three partners to bond more.

It was... it truly was... I am looking back at the start of this blog entry and realizing that I stepped away from writing about the eccentric fun that is my life... lol... love my starts and stops along the way...

The Persistent Lil Princess

In full breakdown mode, I'm not really the most fun to hang out with. I mostly cry or mope or lay around and watch endless Netflix movies... I also love to eat everything that is bad for me... the type of food that actually leaves me less energized... which leads to a soul sucking black hole wrapped in a fox blanket as a sarong...

In that space, i finally decided to open a door for the princess into my life again... the terrain is different and my guards are down as I try to grow through this grief, so i'm not sure how this has affected her. i started by letting her take care of me... She started by getting me water and food and holding my hand... she cuddled when i laid still and didn't cuddle back... persistent lil princess

When i asked for time alone, she gave it with a squeeze of my hand... and when i called for more booze, she brought me another glass (always ensuring that i was staying hydrated)... when she leaned in to kiss me, and i held fast, she didn't push the extra step... i think she learned that a fox will get to know you of their own volition... it is not something that can be forced by a persistent lil princess...

And she massaged my feet and back with lotion, taking her time and doing it right... i cuddled her and leaned in to her the other day and just gave myself to her for the moment and she brought me to orgasm 2-3 times i think... sometimes it's hard to remember... i know i made her orgasm as well... tickling the inside of her pink persistent lil princess pussy...

And then we kissed and it was gentle and teasing and fierce and wild and passionate... when i asked what she wanted from me, she couldn't say... fucking persistent lil princess... she put me in her vortex and it looks like she is going to get me after all... hopefully, she has grown enough to handle a fox...

Spiral

The depression in my life is real right now... it isn't this burst of tears that I was feeling and having randomly before... it is a whole and complete apathy for life and all that it encompasses...

I remember these feelings... I remember this soul sucking hole... I remember that if I wait, it too will pass... nothing feels right... the thought of rope seems repulsive in this state...

My heart is bleeding out at the most unfortunate time as I have some business expenses coming up... I know it will all work out because everything works out for me eventually... right? I mean, this lil life of mine has had a lot of roller coaster in it.... and it is all the uphill battle right now... I can't wait until I reach the top and an able to just enjoy the fucking ride again...

9 years ago today, I was preparing to bring in the lil angel who changed my life, made me grow, and left me too early in his lil life... life is hard... I don't care what anyone says... it is a bitch... and it is bleeding me dry... I think that is why no one makes it out alive...

Surprise Alone Time with Master

Yesterday was really interesting! So, after my shift at my shop, i came home thinking i had a birthday party for one of my nieces. The princess corrected me and said that it was actually on Tuesday and that the calendar appointment that was scheduled must be wrong... instead of double checking the invite on the fridge, i trusted her info and took an edible... i had been having migraine flare ups all day and wanted something a bit stronger than my normal medication to help me stop them.

After taking the edible, i hear the princess saying that she reviewed the invite again and the party was  that night... this immediately upset me because it meant that i couldn't go because of the intensity of the medication i just took... which also meant i was missing out on time with my kids swimming at the pool... i took a deep breath and tried to focus on how it would be a good thing... i thought about the option of having one on one time with my Master and that it would be okay... i talked myself into being okay with the mistake and into finding peace in the situation...

i could tell that she was beating herself up about the misinformation, so i told her not to worry about it and that everything would be okay... it just meant that Master and i would get some alone time together... i could see on her face that she really didn't like that idea either... sigh... In times like these, i feel like i can't win and that nothing i can do will make the princess happy...

So they left... after a long conversation with my 11 year old about how some meds are stronger than others and that mommy had taken a night med earlier to get her migraine to stop when she normally would not have if she was going to leave the house... and i continued to clean and focus on tidying up the house.

When Master returned home from work, i was able to greet him and get him dinner... then he ordered me to take off my slave dress and get the rope. He did a nicely tightened chest harness and snug hip harness and then used me hard... we tried to do anal, but his cock was overly swollen from all of the other fucking and it hurt when it went in, so He switched angles and fucked me deeper than ever... i lost myself in those moments and the rope was deliciously tight enough to get me to space... He is getting better each time he rigs me!! And the fucking was great, as always.

Once we finished and got dressed, we got a message that they were about 15 minutes out... which was quickly reduced to 2... the princess always keeps us on our toes... when they got home, i wanted to tell her about all the fun but couldn't... i knew that just mentioning that we had sex would upset her... it is so interesting to me that she gets jealous over the time i have with my husband... even when she is the reason we had the extra alone time together...

i have dedicated my focus to being the slave my Master wants... a happy girl who loves Him and does anything that is asked of her... the newest ask is that i accept His princess because He loves her and she makes Him happy... i have set out intentionally to love her unconditionally so that i can be the slave He would be the most proud of... Hopefully, i am doing a good job...

This is an incredibly difficult task for me because my mindset is eternally shifting... but i will keep at it until i have successfully eradicated all negative feelings i have for her... Hopefully, she gets her jealousy under control as well... otherwise, she will continue to make herself miserable in our happy home...

Baby Rigger

Playing with a new rigger is always a lot of fun for me!! They are generally eager to please and want to do everything right so they are highly safety conscience... as long as they are really into the rope. I had the great pleasure of working with a baby rigger who started out as a bunny, so she knows and appreciates the pleasure that is a great rope session!

Watching as she apprenticed with Sire was interesting. I could feel her want to do it perfectly... to please her mentor, but more in the excitement of pleasing herself... detail oriented and focused from the start!!

I felt like a demo bottom and didn't get too much of a feel for her energy as his was wrapped around it with his instruction. This actually worked really well for me as I tend to build fast and deep connections with my riggers... maybe it is a lack of judgmental attitude and a safe spot to grow... maybe it is the space that I give to truly allow them to experience their craft the way they want... shit... maybe it's just cuz the rope looks really pretty on me... the flow of energy is intense when I am working one on one with a rigger, but is a bit more broken when I am working with more than one...

I can't wait to see what happens as the baby rigger picks up more skill!