Cherry Bear

 Oof... it has been awhile since I have shared my life... my thoughts... my notions... in written form. Inspiration just hasn't hit and life has been meandering along. Papa Bear and his Phoenix, still going strong. Princess has become my best friend, providing his cock when I need to drink some cum as well as listening to all my rantings. He is always available for more, but I just haven't been feeling very deviant lately. I'm in my Master's, started a new career,  and have been getting back into video gaming so I thought I didn't have time for anything or anyone else... but the universe had different plans...

You see, I met this beautiful, sexy, intelligent, and fiery human I'm going to call Cherry Bear, maybe Cherry for short... we'll see... cuz she is definitely a bear of sorts... fucking climbs me like a tree during our makeout sessions.

In the last few weeks, things have steadily moved along and we are getting revved up for our first night of hot lesbian sex, something she has never enjoyed before... she spent the night this last weekend and we held each other and made out and talked about playing together. She mentioned she was scared to touch my pussy since she had never touched one before. I told her she couldn't due to a medication I was taking and would have to wait. As we were making out, I slid my fingers into her pussy and played with her clit gently, listening to her moans and feeling her body press towards my hand. 

She timidly reached a hand out and touched my pink cotton shorts, slipping her hand between my legs. I quickly clapped my thighs together and apart, saying "Nom, nom, nom," like my pussy was going to eat her hand, making her scream and pull her hand back before her eyes went wide and she smacked my butt and my shoulder. Both of us laughed so hard and I asked if that was scary... she was like, "oh you!" and "you wait and see if I touch your pussy again!"

After a little while, when the laughing finally subsided, we resumed making out and I didn't have to wait very long for her to be petting my pussy through my shorts again.

Feeling Subby

I am just not feeling very dominant lately. I asked the hubs to do a dom session with me and he pulled out his Primal Top... which is fine, but not what I needed... not what I am missing... my soul misses submission... I have been leaning into the dominance that Foxy left me with, but it just isn't me... I need a leader and someone that will take my reigns and drive me forward...

And I am tired of doing it for myself... yes... I know that as a strong female, I am the only one that can save myself, but I'm tired of that notion... I want a partner that can lean into dominating me... I miss the days when it was okay that a night in shining armor was gonna rescue me... school girl fantasies... tuxedo mask would some day save the day...

So I opened up and asked my sub to top me... my Princess mostly identifies as a Daddy Dom, but has been such a good toy for me for a while now. We negotiated no anal or vaginal penitration, but everything else was on the table. 

We did some impact which made me cry... I was so glad he didn't hurt me too much... it's not my favorite... then he teased me and played with my pussy... fucked my face and played with my tits... took away my sight, mmmmmm... the scene was lovely... I asked for more tonight... I am interested in seeing where this goes... 

Oof

And there he was again... In front of me... at my new job... 

And i lost myself again... his hand in my hand... her cute giggles... lost... lost at sea... in his eyes... wishing for a final end.... dear God just take me now...

I wish trust was there,  but it was broken... like my heart... smashed against the rocks... broken... damaged.... lost...

I can't escape the past... or can I... sigh...

Oof, my heart... i don't know how much more it can bear... crying... lost

Pampered

 My mind keeps circling back to the day we had this last week... mostly to their beautiful eyes peeking out from under my huge tits... 38G for those who know bra sizes, lol... eyebrows lifted, eyes glittering with delight, mouth sucking and kissing... me hovering above... an intoxicating vision that makes my pussy moist and tingly.

I have also been thinking a lot about suckling their nipples and pulling those nips between my teeth. I suckled as deep as I could and then released after listening to their sounds... When their small sexy tits were dangling above me, I really wanted to chew them up, but this was our first time playing and I wanted it to be more sensual. So many sensations left to play with down the road. 😈

The awesomeness that is the contrast between our skin tones and our breast sizes was captivating. I found it adorable when they rubbed my nipples on their nipples, sending light tingles through my body...

Speaking of tingles, their nails running all over my back, sending goosebumps throughout my body, was phenomenal. Almost as good as the delicious ravioli they made me, pampering me so wonderfully. 

Touching

We were able to see each other again yesterday for a little while before the rest of the group came over for a hangout, which has changed to watching a movie and eating dinner since paddleboard season is over. I was so nervous when they got to my house, with their yellow shadowed eyes... I quickly gave them a hug and their arm lingered on mine, fluttering the butterflies... then I showed them around the yard to see all of the changes that we have made... Our backyard homesteading project has been a project, if you know what I mean...

When we came inside, we sat and chatted, as close to each other as the butterflies would allow... friends came over and we got loud with laughter as we caught up on what had happened in each others lives over the last week... while getting dinner, I turned around quickly and caught their eyes, growling lightly in their direction. Throughout the movie, we got closer until all I could think about was their hand on my leg, wiggling their fingers... touching me... which was our plan... to get used to touching each other. 

You see, I am not really cuddly with my friends, so that is something new for us. Touch is not one of my love languages, but I see now that touch is an important part of a sexual/romantic relationship to me. Each touch, from resting my legs on their lap to touching their arm with my fingers in the same rhythm they were tapping my leg to get more touches... warmed my body and made my nipples tingle. 

They had to leave early, so I whined noooo before getting up and walking them out to their car. We hugged and nuzzled and they reached for my butt while asking again if they could touch. I said yes and leaned in to grab my own handful of their sexy soft butt...nuzzling in again with a little growl... definitely looking forward to next time.

Opening Doors

It's been a bit since I've written, and not because things haven't been happening... just haven't been bitten by the writing bug until now... I have been able to see growth and shifts within my relationships and the hubs has definitely been on board. His Phoenix has been a nice addition to the house and man, when she took over cooking 2 days a week, I figured it couldn't get any better.

And then, a dear friend of mine came over 3 times in 1 week a few times... 

Now this friend is very pleasant to look at and to talk to. Everything about our time together is a blast. We have been seeing each other twice a week for hiking and paddleboarding for the summer and they make me laugh with their jokes and the sound of their laughter brings me joy. We have known each other for 18 months and have totally connected over that time on a friendship level. While I have found them attractive, I've never broached the topic further due to how far they live away and how they have always said they are not very social and found that the time we had spent together was the perfect amount. 

I had made them aware quite a while ago that one of my baseline requirements in a romantic/sexual relationship is to see each other 3 times a week. So when we saw each other 3 times in a week for a paddleboarding session, they playfully joked about making out with a Scott Pilgrim reference that I didn't catch even though I love that movie, lol... unbeknownst to them, I had been thinking on kisses myself because maybe the distance wasn't too far if they had already come out 3 times a week... maybe I could open a door... and then that joke opened it for me...

The next few days we texted hesitantly... both of us trying to figure out how to move into this new phase... both of us looking forward to hiking and stirring butterflies within each other. That 4.3 mile hike gave us a lot of time to talk as did the ride to brunch and home after, especially around texting... getting out of the vehicle, we embraced and I nuzzled my face into their neck, licking the salty sweat on my lips after pulling away... I can close my eyes now and still taste them. Still feel their body pressed against mine and their nuzzle into my sweaty skin.

From that moment, we have been able to open our communication even more with texting. Teasing and playing through words, planning and anticipating time together. It makes me smile everytime they send me a message. Just knowing that I am taking up space in their beautiful and talented mind. And oh the writing, the exchange of thoughts, completely turns me on... I am such a sapio/demisexual that I couldn't ask for a better potential partner. 

Sometimes, Things Change

 I am fucking sick... Trying to work, but i keep coughing and sniffling when I talk and that really just had guys leaving as soon as they entered my page... which is super awesome with the bills I have... whoop whoop... I am thinking I may just need to cut the social life for a little bit and focus on working my butt off, once I am not sick again. 

In trauma therapy (HARD AF), I finally uncovered the deeper trauma that I suffered that created the DID and it seems as though my DID has now gone into some kind of remission. I would love to say it is cured and I am fully integrated, but I have felt cohesive before and then it all fell apart again, sooooo... that being said, I have been using therapy the last couple of weeks to look at aspects of my life, relationships, feelings and where they all are now that the rollercoaster in my brain has stopped.

This week has been a toughie as I am now working on anger and I no longer have alcohol to kind of numb my feelings... that's right, sober for a week and a half now... and man are my emotions raw. Looking at my life, I have ensured that I have healthy boundaries and do a much better job at holding them up (dishonesty or abandonment equal an automatic exit from my life), that the people in my life are willing to hold to those boundaries, and that my feelings matter. Looking inside, I am still pushing my feelings to the side (especially anger or hurt) when an issue doesn't get resolved and it is something I have talked about before. 

This is telling me that I believe my feelings matter enough to be heard, but not necessarily enough to be acted upon. I know I am okay with this in relationships where I don't act on the other person's feelings. In relationships where I make changes to bring joy or peace to someone else, I am learning that I am wanting my feelings to matter and when they don't, it hurts even more. I may have to make more changes to resolve the pain... and while that is scary, I also know it will be better for everyone in the end, including myself.