To slave or not to slave

Writing has been in the back burner for a while... surprisingly had a new business opportunity fall into my lap that I had to jump on and it has taken so much of my effort, it is insane but I love it... on another note, my life is pretty simple and happy right now... the drama is at an all time low. The only thing is that I have been feeling so needy/clingy lately... wanting to hold onto my Daddy... wanting Him to take ownership again, but not knowing if I will be able to submit... now that I have re-established my trust in Him (only took me about a year after the Princess left our lives), maybe I could give myself to Him again. Maybe i could defer... submit... slave...

I really enjoyed belonging to Him and being His. I feel like He loved it when I only thought of Him... how to please Him, how to serve Him, how to become and create all that He wanted in me... all that I wanted from myself to be a good wife to Him and mother to my precious boys... when giving yourself to another, wholly like that, trust is so necessary... I now know that He truly loves me and would choose me first. What happened before will never happen again. Lessons learned... now, to Slave or not to Slave... that is the question... I feel like it would benefit me tremendously to place myself back under His care and for me to request punishment for fucking up in things... I need to grow... and force has always helped me grow... fear doesn’t work anymore as I am not afraid... proving others wrong doesn’t work anymore cuz I just don’t give a fuck enough about what others think... hmmmmm... am I ready to hurt so I can reach my goals? Lol

Interesting New Friend

I met a new friend today... but this wasn’t the first time I saw him... that was yesterday as I drove into work... he was pulling weeds maybe... out in front of his sister’s house... I remember because I waved and he stopped what he was doing and stared... I am kinda used to that, so I just kinda ignored it, but apparently it stands out in my brain... I wonder what the relevance of that moment is... anywho...

Today, like most Fridays, I took my youngest out to the bus. I was in a pair of my jammas, which consisted of a white tank top, striped soft pants, and no bra/panties. I have a friend who chats with me each morning as we wait for our kids to get on the bus together and today, she was walking towards me with the man I saw pulling weeds the other day. They were talking and smiling as they walked up and she introduced him as her brother. That immediately lowered my guard, cuz she is a dear friend of mine... he seemed quirky and interesting... he had an oil spot colored bike... he was funny... I just love making new friends!

After the kiddos get on the bus, her and I chat a bit as she was heading out of town, just like me... she headed home and I sat on the patio with my Relaxation Tea and my cannabis... medicating and relaxing so I could go to bed when my oldest left for school... working late nights has been a bitch on my sleep schedule! As I light up a bowl, I see her brother ride by on a bike... then, my dogs start barking and I see him at the end of my driveway, asking for a lighter, lol... so I go and give him a light and we chat. He was very blunt and forward, which I enjoyed and we had a wonderful time connecting on my patio... I wonder how this friendship will blossom... it feels like it is on purpose... and he left his shades, so I know I will see him again... but when?

Almost 4 years

At home... relaxing and trying to feel better... trying not to be sick... trying to get my anxious buzzing heart to settle down... the life and death high alert focus is no longer needed... they haven’t been needed for almost 4 years now... but I guess that is the point... right? It has only been 4 years... how long does it take to train one’s body and mind away from a learned pattern?

I continue to get hit hard this week by what life would be like if my special lil guy was still alive... where he would be... how much he would love school... what new skills would he have... but he’s dead... and he can’t come back... and no matter how hard I try to distract my mind, my body is here to remind me... have you ever tried pushing your emotions away until the point where the symptoms become psychosomatic and your body just shuts you down? This is my life... fighting against the shut down... holding my head up and treading this water as hard as I can...

With all of the amazing things in my life right now, this depression and anxiety is driving me a lil crazy... but if there is one thing I know, it is that this season is temporary... it fades away again after his death day passes... and for that I am grateful... it’s still 3 weeks away... and in the meantime, I need to focus on the basics... household chores, staying positive and happy, planting seeds in my career... just keep swimming...

Irish Gypsy Melody

Sooooo... I made a new friend... and she intrigues the fuck out of me... she is so close to everything we are looking for in our next parter... so very close... and I am just reveling in the closeness! This taste of perfection is like a breath of fresh air... and like a taste from a renewing spring that assures me that hope is always worth it. I am so thankful for the continued refinement of what I am looking for... as you cannot get what you want from the universe without first asking for it... I am really enjoying exploring my inner workings on this and the process of discovering a new song to play with... what have I learned about myself so far:

1. A sexy girl immediately inspires sadistic tendencies within me... I want to bite, to paddle, to flog, to beat, to wrap my hand in that beautiful hair and finger fuck the shit out of that delectable pussy until she cries out, and turns into a hot mess puddle on my bed...
2. The second thoughts that pop up are of sensual scratches, body rubs, nibbles, licks, kisses... and entanglement of limbs... and snuggles...
3. Trust is so important to me when it comes to relationships and play... I have to trust that we are on the same page as we communicate and that if something is off, that it will come up quickly. I have to trust that our friendship will weather life’s storms if it is meant to...
4. Domme/sub is the next level of my evolution in relationshipping... I am looking for that sub who I inspire to want to take care of me, who wants to pamper me, cook for me, clean for me... just out of love for me... who enjoys all the attention I can give and will do things for me without me having to say anything... that level of commitment is what I really want in my next relationship... but Topping is definitely my pickup play style right now or how I prefer to play with my friends with fun benefits, especially my brats!
5. I actually move pretty slowly when things are at my pace... which I am not used to... I am not the type to make the first move as I like my partner to be brave and free to explore at their pace...
6. I am so very connected to my PapaBear that I want for our next relationship partner to enjoy all of the things we both bring to the table... just as I want us to enjoy everything that he/she/they bring to the table.
7. I definitely enjoy friends with fun benefits, especially ones that make my brain think...

I think 7 is a good number of self discovery things when listening to a new melody...

20 Days Sober!!!!

I am so fucking proud of my lil bratface!!!!! We are at 20 days of freedom from alcohol!! And while she still dreams and wants for the alcohol, it seems that she prefers being my Slave versus being a slave to the bottle... I am especially proud of her for not cracking open a beer during Monday Night Football! This last week, we started working on lying and disrespectful behaviors... can’t have my friends reflecting badly on me... and she has been spending a lot of time with me, so behavioral adjustment is definitely needed... and we all know how I feel about lying... lol...

So with behavior and lying, she earned 45 punishment spankings... now I told her that I would only use my metal paddle bare ass for under 42 spankings... cuz it is just brutal... 10 for the chevron side and the other 32 with the flat side... so the first 3 were given with my foxy paddle over spandex shorts. Then, I switched to the metal paddle to administer her punishments... oh, how she fought... but so stubborn... would not use her safe words... and when she would go limp, I would wait a little bit to give her a lil break in that delicious sub space, but would then hard smack her out of it... a punishment is not meant for fun... although it is pretty fun for me... it wakes me up and makes me feel alive, knowing how much I am helping her with creating the life she is begging for... feeding my inner sadist and protector without the destruction she usually brings to the table... it feels so good to be in control of myself... through trying to help this human get her life under control...

After the punishment was administered, I told her she was such a good girl and her slate is wiped clean... then I started her maintenance spankings over her shorts with the foxy paddle... the safe word sentence had something to do with lying and how she didn’t want to anymore or how it was bad for her or something like that... and I just swung and swung until the words fell out of her mouth... and then I snuggled her until she called me mean and pulled away. I let her have her alone time and then we cuddled when she was ready. Aftercare is super important. I apologized for hitting her hip... no one’s perfect, but I am definitely way more clear on the wriggle factor and an errant swing. I feel like maintenance spankins are definitely needed for this level of bratface ☺️

Drinking is Bad for Me

Since the brat wanted to be better, we talked about a deeper focus. She really wanted to focus on adjusting her bratty attitude and becoming healthier, starting with the end of drinking alcohol. She asked if I could help her with accountability on these two areas... I had to stop and ask what was in it for me... don’t get me wrong, I love to beat an ass... but I have so many people that ask for that service, I need to set up some kind of exchange or I will run out of energy, lol... she asked what I wanted and I said that I could really use a maid... I hate cooking and cleaning and am trying to find people to take over those things for me. She said sure and I told her we would start with the dishes.

I asked how her butt was doing and she said it was very bruised. I asked for a pic in her swimsuit as she was going to be in it that weekend. She sent me a bare ass pic of her bruised butt and it was so colorful. I had never turned an ass that color before, but I had seen the fet pictures and wondered how it happened... well... now I knew... and I wanted to do it again.

I set for her to come over at 7pm on Saturday, to have time to relax and get the dishes done. We then discussed the issue she was having with drinking. She was able to not drink on Thursday after we talked about it. She said that she had a birthday party for her dad at a water park and drinking was going to be apart of it. I told her that she was going to receive a spanking for every swallow of alcohol she took, so she better count them out. She disregarded my request but told on herself as she drank alcohol and ate unhealthy foods. Awareness is the first step to change, so I was proud of the awareness... by the end of the day, she had 4 drinks and we estimated that at 20 swallows per drink, she was to receive 80 spankins.

When she got to the house, she was kinda sniffly... she had been crying a lil bit off and on... dealing with her emotional baggage, traumatic past, and personal believed shortcomings... we watched a funny movie that didn’t catch her interest, so I told her to get started on the dishes. She got up and wandered into my room and started watching cartoons. Then came out a little later and turned on some music and washed the dishes. When the dishes were done and the kiddos were in bed,  it was time to administer her punishment. I walked into the room and started grabbing my paddles...I thought about her bruised ass and her request to have bare skin spankins, so I grabbed my rosewood paddles with the holes... I wanted to see the design I could create on this lovely bottom. I started test tapping them on my leg. I haven’t swung these ones hard, so it seemed like a good tool to use because of the number of spankings needed. I could hear PapaBear teasing her in the living room. I stepped to the door and told her to come in.

We talked about the drinking and how it was bad for her. She could die if her daily meds are mixed with alcohol. She wasn’t being a good role model for others in her life. She would be even unhealthier and gain unwanted pounds... now to add to that list, drinking came with paddles. Because she squirmed off the bed last time, I had her get all the way on it and paddled her from a pinned position. This time, the key phrase to make the spanking stop was “Drinking is bad for me!”... or of course the normal red. I started paddling and got the first 20 out over clothes... I noticed that I don’t swing these paddles anywhere near as hard because they are special to me. So I decided to pull her pants down and paddle her bare ass. That made her squirm and the stubborn began. She did not want to admit that drinking was bad for her, but by spanking 80, she was ready to say it.  She only slid down off the bed once, but PapaBear helped me get her back up. She tried pushing her butt against PapaBear to stop the spankins from landing, but I’m a strong fox and I flipped that lil brat over and gave her every single one.

When the spankins were over, I cuddled her again and told her she was right! Drinking was so bad for her. Then I massaged out the tight hard spot on her left cheek. The right side was even harder and more tight from the punishment, probably because of the angle and direction of swing. After a bit of cuddling and poking, we went outside and had a smoke. Then back inside to the couch where she was finally able to release some real tears. I love seeing a brat cry... it usually means real change is on the way. I am so glad for this new friendship and that I can help her correct her behaviors. I never knew that I would like being the sadist so much without the sexual component, but it is refreshing for me! The power of all of this is rather intoxicating in its own way... I may have finally found my lil kinky nitch...

Where did this brat come from?!

A friend of a friend surprised the shit out of me with a Facebook Messenger message... we had met a handful of times, so when she sent me the text asking if I would really give her spankins if she flakes on me... my sadist senses got all excited...  she said she didn’t believe that I would actually ever spank her... and when I told her that I definitely do spank people who consent with enthusiasm, she said I didn’t have the balls... oh poor lil brat... just coming up to me all brave and full of vinegar... so amusing. I told her to show and I would bring some of my paddles for her to see.

The next day, she showed up and talked with me for hours. We spent time getting to know each other. Swapping stories of life... then, I found an opening to show her the wooden and metal paddles that I have... just 2 of them, not all of them... she looked at them and touched them... said fuck no to the metal one, but seemed totally interested in the wooden one with my name on it. I didn’t feel comfortable using my toys on her in that space... this vanilla brat who had played a little with spankings when it came to her ex boyfriend...

When I got home, she had sent texts asking why she hadn’t been spanked, begging for a paddling, yelling at me to beat her ass. This was the enthusiastic consent I was looking for. I invited her to my home, after the kiddos went to bed, to teach her a lesson. You see, when we talked the day before, she told me about how she felt like a loser. That she was a loser. That she amounted to nothing and was worthless... so I beat her for being a loser. I spanked her until she cried out that she wanted to be better... that was her safeword... that or red... lol... I spanked and spanked and spanked her with that paddle for calling my new friend (herself) a loser. I made her call out for better... and then snuggled the shit out of her after...

She looked up at me after I parted her hair to show me her eyes and said she knew I was the one she needed. I was the one that could help... because I hurt her and did not give up on her when she cried or asked for it to stop. Because I made her proclaim her want for better to end the pain... but mostly because I sat with her after and made sure she felt safe and strong and free and loved before I sent her on her way... and the bruises... well those painful reminders for her were beautiful pieces of art for me.

Craving Cum

Friday was a lot of fun! You see, I was craving cum and that’s just something my Daddy can’t provide for me... He fucks me way too much for cum to explode out when I’m orally pleasing him. So I have this friend... he cums perfectly. It always tastes good, there is always a good amount, and he always cums within 15-20 minutes tops... We connect a couple of times a week, when we can make it work.

This last Friday, we had a plan. When I got done with camming, I was going to head to his house so we could have fun. I texted him on my way over and he asked if I could come in the back gate since his brother ended up crashing at his place.... of course I said yes... it makes me feel extra naughty when I have to sneak in to get what I want... then he texted for me to stop and get gas cuz the landscapers were just packing up... so I did. While I was getting gas, he sends me another text that his brother woke up and we should probably go to lunch first... “OMG!! When am I getting my cum?!” is how I feel, but I asked him where and we met at this cute little Mexican restaurant.

We finished a lovely lunch and chatted while waiting for his brother to leave his house. We got into his car to head back over to his house and drove around the neighborhood waiting for his brother to leave... I asked about giving him road head or if he could pull over so I could blow him in the car, but the thought made him uncomfortable, lol... after 3 passes, I told him to take me back to my car... his brother took too long and I had a limited amount of time because I needed to get back home to the kiddos. When I got home, I texted him about how his brother is a cock blocker and that I still wanted the cum he promised me...

He texted me that his brother had gone home and I could come over now, but I was getting ready for a date night with Daddy. I told him about the Happy Hour thing with my hubby and all his work buddies and that I would love to stop by his house on the way. I commented that it would be even better if he could get me or send a car since I had already tried to suck his dick earlier... He was so awesome he sent a car for me and said he would send me to the Happy Hour so I could drink and have fun instead of having to stay sober to drive. I felt like a sexy lil whore when the car picked me up... I got more and more turned on as I got closer to his house... he and I have been seeing each other since April of last year and this was the most aroused I had been in all that time... I was being hand delivered to a cock full of cum that was waiting for me... When I got there, he opened the door and complimented my dress and shoes. He gave me a big hug and we walked to his room. He took off his pants and laid on the bed for me and I kinda pounced on him and sucked until he burst... filling my mouth... I showed him the load and then swallowed it... Then I gave him about 20 min of backscratching as we talked about life and future things... afterwards, I brushed my teeth and he called me an Uber to the Happy Hour. My hubby was pleasantly surprised when I told him about the Uber and being able to drink and bought me a few vodka crans...
This one cute guy was there and we exchanged numbers ☺️
It was fun and hot and sexy... when we got home, my hubby used me and called me a naughty lil whore. Made me so wet, I squirted everywhere 😁

Writer’s Block?

My writing mind seems broken lately... nothing I want to write seems as enticing as it once did as I try to put it to paper. For example, my handsome Daddy PapaBear fucked my ass 4 time in the last 3 days... I finally worked up to an ass fucking at night before bed and another to wake up to after a lil ATM action... this time, he grabbed my hair and dragged down to suck on his cock while I was sleeping (I woke up real quick, lol)  before he flipped me onto my tummy and fucked my fat ass into the bed. It was sore and tender from being used the night before... and during that fucking it was still tender from the fucking the night before that... being on my period equals unlimited ass access... and with no other chick to throw at him, I’m being reminded of the fuck toy lil whore that I am, which I love ☺️ 

I am finding that I enjoy the struggle and him pinning me down during anal. I would trust him with my life. At this point in our relationship, I feel steady, safe, and secure. I feel valued and that what I want matters again... I feel appreciated and needed and kept... I love these feelings... they make me want to push past the silly discomforts to meet his needs. 

And it’s happening again... I am running out of words and interest in the writing... I’m much more interested in the living... meh... maybe it’ll come back... maybe it won’t... maybe I lost the knack with the last personality shuffle... merp! 

Until...

There is such a thrill in being chased... in being sought after and requested... in someone believing that a connection with me is exactly what they need to fill a hole... I am not really available right now to build new things and I make that very clear with those that chat with me... too much recent loss... I need to heal and spend time on the things I already have in motion... like...

My hubby who is endlessly by my side, loving me, cuddling me, being mine...

My boys who need a focused and loving mom...

My clients who need their cheerleader to push them past the bullshit excuses they have been giving themselves when it comes to their goals...

Making that money!!

Once that healing is over, look out world... but I must face the facts that I am bottling grief and trying to keep everything going in this weird fog... I want to be complete so that I attract others into my sphere that want to be complete too... I am doing the daily work of being the best version of me... but the air is heavy here right now and I don’t want to drag anyone else down with me... I am still clawing my way up to my highest disk... from the depths of a well-worn soul...

I know that the ones that truly want me will wait for me... until...

The void

My body craves him, to fill my empty soul... I currently cannot get enough sex from my Master... I seem insatiable at this point... I am grasping at his arms wrapped around me and his lips on mine... I want grasps and kisses and groping and licking... I want his cock in me repeatedly... I am missing him now as he works... dreaming of his hands on my body and his mouth on my neck...

He’s been anally raping me every night and my ass doesn’t hurt the next day... I fight against it and wriggle, but I don’t safe word and he cums so nicely as I struggle... begging him to use my dirty lil hole... it’s so us... I feel like I am getting closer to who I was... the void that I was before all of this... all of this emotion flooded in... I am strongest in life when I tell emotions to fuck off and focus on remaining an empty, needy lil void...

I’m craving the feel of his hand around my throat and his body smashing me into the bed. Last night, as he was fucking my ass, I just started to fight his advances harder than before... just try to escape with my whole body... and I couldn’t... he is now stronger than me in stamina as well... I can’t just wear him down... shit, with this extra fluff, I wear down a lil easier... and that anal raping reminded me of what a butt slut and anal whore I am for him... I belong to him... he owns me...

On a side note, I’m doing great in my cam life as my pussy seems to be insatiable... I can’t fuck and cum enough... which is so amazing! I was struggling with that within my body for a while... it seems to be the perfect combination of connection with separation for me to get my needs met without taking extra time away from my family or without feeling let down by those who spout words of affection... if you are interested in my cam shows, let me know and I’ll get you my link and info 😁

My Dad Died

Oh goodness... I feel like empty... weirdly empty... my dad died... he had cancer... I was expecting it... but then I wasn’t... it’s kind of like my head put him back in jail again when he slid the last time... and now he’s gone... but at least he isn’t in pain... and at least he can’t get into any more trouble... love and light and joy according to my belief system... I just can’t believe he’s really dead...

Amazingly Perfect with a Touch of Anxiety

My life feels amazingly perfect right now. My Daddy takes such good care of me and used me so good when he worked from home the other day! He used my little pussy twice and when I was getting fucked the second time, we were watching Game of Thrones while the kids were out with my sister-in-law. Binge watching shows with the love of my life while fooling around is what we did before kids, so I have been in heaven!

I’ve really been enjoying playing with random men online and this cam job is dope as fuck... feeds my need for slutty exhibitionism while keeping me protected and safe.... allows me to have the feel of poly with certain clients based on our role plays without the commitment or work or stress... just the good parts, like the extra attention and connection... and it adds money to our home...  it’s really quite perfect.

I’ve been enjoying my work on helping others get healthy... especially us kinky motherfuckers... it’s just nice to be real and to cuss and to not feel judged by the weird shit going on in our lives... you know? And it feels good for me to help others with something that helped my husband and I create the bodies and lives we had been looking for... I am also getting to grow a community at this smoothie shop in an area that we are looking at moving to in the near future! I can’t wait to see how this grows this time!

My pussy, my heart, my soul, and my mind are all clear as crystal and I have never felt better in my life!

With all that being said, April is coming and I can feel the build of the anxiety that comes with this time of year for me... my son has not had a seizure for 3.5 years now (since he passed), but my body is still getting ready for that scary time... I’m literally having to remind myself that we are safe, he is gone, everyone is healthy, everything is okay, everything is okay, everything is okay... everything is actually quite perfect... I can breathe... it’s okay... Seizure Season isn’t a real thing for my home anymore... I am excited for when my brain and body realize this as well and stop creating that anxiety that isn’t necessary any more...

The Last Box

Break-ups suck... let’s face it... especially when things end badly... which in our case with the Princess, it did... and after it ends badly with over two years of living together, it can sometimes take a while to locate all of the left over items... after thoroughly scouring, cleaning, and organizing my whole house, I finally collected the last few items...

There were just four... a blanket, a mask, a crystal, and some jumper cables... how interesting... so I collected these remaining items and stuck them in a box and wrote her name on it. I was really looking forward to off loading the final items and reminders of her existence... you see, it hurts to think about her... to think about her infiltrating our lives and my home with a lie... to know that I loved her enough to care about her health and well being only to see a pic on social media the other day showing that she never really cared about that either... it literally made me cry after my yoga this last Sunday... seeing her go back on all the work she did to honor a promise to her brother about her heart health... if that was even true... to remember how well she took care of my bratty little Goddess self... to remember the smile that she put on my Daddy’s face because his love for her was real... his little gypsy princess and social butterfly...

When I showed up to a safe space to give her the items, she startled me by being close to my car as I got out and a giggle burst out... in my head, I heard my ex say... “See! I told you so.” I had argued with him that her health had become too important to her for her to just let it go and that I hoped she stayed on track even though she left us. Shit! I had even offered her continuous accountability, regardless of what she had done to us... to him... she asked what and I said nothing and bye... deadpan look in the eyes and solidly present to that very moment... she took the things and wished me a good workout... I couldn’t help myself when I replied back that I hoped she had a good workout too, soon... totally a bitchy thing to say... but I was disappointed... and I’m okay with being a little bitchy now and then versus losing myself to an abundance of bitchiness later.

Thankfully, I turned and walked into my happy place and worked that shit out. I no longer have the reminders and have blocked a few people on a few things so that I don’t drive myself crazy with cyber stalking them... all I need to do now is stay in the present moment and this will become a closed chapter in a closed book regarding the different things that helped us overcome the loss of our son. As always, I am in gratitude for the lessons that life has thrown my way. I have learned to trust my heart and to be the strong and firm woman that I am... never back down... never surrender... love everyone, but only give my heart to the ones willing to meet my expectations.

Hitachi murder

I am so fucking upset at myself for breaking my favorite toy in a blind rage. I was just so disappointed and angry... and... and... argh... I’ll start at the beginning.

I had been chatting on and off with him for a little while this morning, in between private sessions... He asked if I liked to submit... and I answered with a yes... but that it was a bratty kind of submission... he laughed and took me into a private session... he asked about a few limits... we set up a safe word... then he had me take off my clothes and give him a detailed explanation on my history with submission in person... we were interacting via cam, but he was more interested in my lifestyle play, so I obliged. As I told him of my history of submission, from slave to brat princess, he had me start massaging my breasts hard. He asked me a question about what I have liked so far along my journey.

Then he had me smack my breasts... I stopped talking to smack them and he punished me for not continuing to talk... he never said I could stop talking, so I had to smack my breasts 10 times each... and something clicked within me... my brain realized that I was serving a Dom... it’s been a minute since I have played with a Dom... my hubby is a Daddy and my last ex was trying to let me be the dominant one per my request, so his domliness was shut down... I snapped into that lovely sub space where my brat quiets... I don’t like punishments...

He asked me about the last time I played in public and had me put my hands behind my head as I spoke. Going over the flogging I gave, he had me start rubbing my pussy hard. I dropped my other hand when I started to play with myself and got 10 titty smacks for not having my hand that was not in use behind my head... and that lil click happened again... and I apologized for dropping my hand...

Then, he had me place my hitachi in my panties, hands behind head, and had me put it on high... then gave me the command not to cum... and all hell broke loose... I couldn’t last for 10 fucking seconds! Tears burst out of my eyes... all of a sudden, I was crying and apologizing for failing... he laughed... teasing me “What, lil girl? You can cum on command, but you can’t control yourself to not cum?” And I told him that all of the men I had been with had always pushed for me to cum... not one ever wanted me to avoid that pleasure, so it was not a skill set I was familiar with... he thanked me for my honesty and my pussy got slapped 20 times for that failure... he had me put on 3 more pairs of panties and set a timer for 1 minute... I just had to not cum for that one minute. He kept telling me focus on how disappointed he would be if I came before the time and called me a bitch and a slut... and I made it the full minute! I was rewarded with an orgasm and I was feeling good...

Then he pushed it to 2 minutes... no orgasm for 2 minutes would mean that I was allowed to orgasm... but if I orgasmed before the time was up, then it would be 40 titty and pussy spankings... I told him that I wasn’t going to make it... he said that I could, just like the last time... so I agreed and started it. 30 seconds in, he yelled for me to stop... to put it right on my clit, and to tell him what I thought of the session so far... I said that I knew I would fail this time... my orgasms come more frequently once one has hit... he said to do it anyway... I made it a minute and 17 seconds before the orgasm ripped through my body at which point, I pull the hitachi out of my panties and slammed it into the ground hard as I roared at my failure. Then it made a cracking noise and a high pitched whine with no more vibration... I murdered my hitachi!!! Angry at myself and fiercely crying, he had me sit and calm down... he asked why I was so upset... I looked at him and said that I don’t like to fail and disappoint my dominant... I pride myself in perfection... he said that was obvious and stated that it must be nice to learn something new about yourself... he didn’t punish me... said that the lesson that I needed to learn was that my best is good enough...

Thank you universe... you find so many ways to teach me these fucking lessons.

Building Our Dreams

I sit in wonder at everything I have in my life. I have been reading this book called “The Slight Edge”  and it recommended writing your dreams down and then fleshing them out. As I wrote down my dreams, it was so cool to see all of the things I have already accomplished and all of the things we want next.

It is so nice to finally start seeing the silver lining in the pain of the past... without that pain, I would still be in an office job instead of being a stay at home mom with a cam job on the side, which I love! It helps me be naughty and kinky with other naughty kinky people and make money doing it! It’s also so much more flexible than having to go in to work and the biggest plus is that I don’t have to drive!! When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of being a stay at home mom, but that was derailed when my son got sick and my hubby was let go in the housing crash of ‘08. Now, I get to get my hubby ready for work, get the kiddos ready for school, and be the happy little housewife and mom I was meant to be.

I am pleasantly amused and surprised that all of the work, time, money, and emotional turmoil that went into maintaining a long con for another actually provided me with the tools and space to create whatever I wanted to. Who would have thought that all of that pain would release into the stuff of dreams...

And today, we found out that my hubby can work from home sometimes, so I am already getting to spend even more time with him. My heart is so happy!!! Now if only he would let me suck his dick while he works... teehee...

And even after reading this to him, he still didn’t whip it out!! He just looked at me over his computer monitor and told me he loved me... not the response this dirty lil whore wanted... maybe if I just go pull it out... teehee...

Read that too and now he’s giving me work to do... has to get this work done today, so doesn’t want any “unnecessary distractions”... I should probably stop before I get a spankin... or should I keep poking my PapaBear... what is a lil girl to do? Teehee...

Always and Forever

I keep randomly crying since playing with the sadist in my computer... he had me paddle myself for a straight 15 min... once the tears started to fall, he demanded I thank him for punishing me for being so slutty... I thanked him... and then he had me spank my lil pussy... it hurt so bad... he had me kneel and thank him again to end our scene... then he asked me how I was feeling... I said warm and sore and tired... he said that he thoroughly enjoyed it, especially knowing that I am not a masochist and hoped I had found some form of pleasure... I told him that it was nice to cry, to which he inquired on that being the dream... I told him that the dream is to be broken... not necessarily to cry... but to be at a level that strips me of everything I am and helps me build back up from there...

And since then, random fucking waterworks... cried in the shower today, which was a regular thing for me over the past 3 years, but I haven’t cried in the shower since everything settled down... I am more than grateful for my life now, full of love and connection. I can feel these tears cleansing my heart and clearing my eyes so I can be open to our next adventures. I also just have a lot of feels inside. I’m not great at emotioning... but I’m getting better... my feelings are so intense and apparently non-negotiable, lol. If I don’t feel and honor them, I know I can be setting myself up for another episode and I am so tired of losing myself.

Now, when we are together, my hubby and I sink into each other again, which I didn’t even know I was missing... that’s not exactly right... I guess I didn’t even know that our emotional intimacy had been shifted... it makes sense... our energies struggled with intertwining for a lil while there, now that I look back... a disconnect of some sort happened in 2015... and we went through a lot that year... it only took 3 years for us to reconnect... looking at that now, it could have been longer... many marriages don’t survive the kinds of things that we have been through... the silver lining in poly is that we had to communicate and continue to work on ourselves to make that clusterfuck work... and when it stopped working, we clung to each other and remembered our promise of forever. 

I kiss his tears and he kisses mine. We hold each other’s hands and soothe away the pain and frustration of the past few years and remember that we will always have each other. As the world quiets and settles, we are reminded of all of the blessings that we have that rise above all of the bullshit. 

Always and forever!!

Birthday wish

The lil princess sits next to her Daddy, watching a show, looking at him out of the side of her eye. She watches, waiting for the right time to ask for her birthday request... it had flashed once through her head earlier that day while playing with the sadist in her computer... he had mentioned tying her to the bed and doing whatever he wanted... as Daddy sits next to her, that dark tendril slides through her mind once more...

“Daddy... may I have a favor?”

Nothing... he goes on watching the show... she thinks that he didn’t hear her... he must not have... oh well... that was the last of her...

“What favor, baby girl? Whisper it in Daddy’s ear...” he grins... how could she think he didn’t hear her... after all this time, he still trips her up... keeps her on her toes...

“Daddy... for my special early birthday time, can you play with me before bedtime” she blushes heavily, like it’s hard for her to ask for things... cuz it really is and no one understands...

“What kind of play, baby?” He grins again... a little wider this time...

“Can you strip me and tie me to the bed and use me however you want?”

“Anything else, lil girl?”

“Ummm... can you... ummm... use my.... ummm... dog bone gag and a blindfold, Daddy?”

He giggles... “I suppose I can do that for your birthday, babygirl.” His smile is wide... and so is hers...

Peace

I sat in peace today... blissful, uninterrupted peace... for about 15 minutes... and then I started my day... I have been getting into a wonderful morning practice of meditation and I feel like this, mixed with my clearance of all the old thought patterns, is creating a solid baseline of inner peace for me... I am sitting, like a watcher in my mind and policing my thoughts... catching the ones that aren’t creating the future and imploding them... poof... poof... I would have to say that I have become a decent poofer (in Adam Sandler’s voice) teehee

I had an amazing day at work... especially for a Tuesday... helped so many men get off and also came a few times myself. It was perfect... I have a new surveillance camera that we were going to install for personal safety reasons... but since that is no longer needed for that purpose, I set it up in the room and Daddy watched as I played on cam... talk about taking care of 2 for the price of 1, lol... now he can stop in and watch me any time he has free time at work... it’s almost as good as being in the next room!

Then, my kiddos got home from school and all the chores got completed and homework done quickly. It was smooth and nice. My home is now a peace filled place... my heart is also full of peace... peace is really nice... and here I thought it would be boring... it’s really not... and I really deserve this calm... especially after all of my storms...

Back to Baseline

Man, has my life been a fucking drama whirlwind... especially over the last few months... everywhere I looked, there was drama! Ending relationships, moving people in, moving people out, and mental health issues thrown in for good measure... but it is finally all over and we are back to our baseline.

So what do I do now that the drama has stopped?

Well, I went to the gym and worked out yesterday. He and the boys cleaned the house and yard. When I got home, we watched family movies and cuddled with our boys. We ordered pizza for dinner and got ice cream at the store. We got our chores done... watched some home renovation shows as we dreamt about what our next home will look like. We gave the kiddos night-night luvins and went to bed on time, without worrying for the first time in months.

My Daddy said he had a new body goal and it was to put a lil weight on so his dick isn’t soooooo big.. side note, when my Daddy lost 200 pounds, he gained like 2 extra inches of dick, lol... I told him that I would be much happier if we could just take down the half an inch that bruises my insides when he’s fucking me soooo deep, his favorite way... oh dear god, how I wish I could be a masochist and love the pain that comes with a deep, hard fucking... and then he fucked me gently and it was so good to be choked and grabbed and growled at without internal bruising... to feel the want and need in him for me and in me for him... and then we cuddled a lil while before falling asleep...

This morning, as I lay in bed listening to him breathe and writing about our night, I can’t help but recognize how amazing our baseline is... we will have been married for 14 years coming up in less thank 2 weeks... we have an amazing family and a home we own outright... we have amazing sex and get to play with and have fun with awesome people when we can make it work... we love each other so deeply and thoroughly... all the quirks... everything and forever... I am such a lucky lil goddess.

Soul Sucking Slow Burn

Life is strange... I guess I’m just trying to figure it out... this life...

Everything is going really well... I love my job and my side hustle. I love my husband and my kids. I enjoy my free time and my volunteer work. I love the impact I am making on this world at various levels. I feel good and comfortable right now. Could I use more income... yes, but only because of a bunch of things in the last 2 weeks that pulled me away from being able to work... so getting shit settled should even resolve that... and a higher paid opportunity is right around the corner if shit stays settled for at least 2 months...

Now that everything is finally rolling smoothly, I’m back to waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m happy with an underlying anxiety... The worry is always there... not sure why when my life is going in a positive direction... just practicing an old vibration I guess... gotta shake that shit off...

I am just kind of broken... and without all the noise in my mind, I can feel the rift in my heart left by the loss of my son... it burns... it hurts... it brings a loneliness to my soul as though there is a tear in the space time continuum... It is a hard hole to climb out of... how do I heal that tear? How do I repair my heart? How do I fill the hole to stop this soul sucking slow burn?

Silence

Have you ever heard that silence can be deafening? That’s kind of what I felt like yesterday and again, right now... I have been so used to the endless chatter inside my mind that it is overwhelmingly different as the silence settles in... not that I can’t hear or see my thoughts... just that it’s one train in one voice instead of 4-6 in different tones... uniting myself has been a goal of mine for about 3 years... so for it to finally happen and for me to have to lose and let go of so much to make it happen, I am kind of surprised... it is even different to write because I don’t have other perspectives chiming in!!

I guess I didn’t realize how much I was holding onto that had the potential to hurt me again and it was too much for me, so my traumatic coping mechanisms were functioning at high capacity...  it is an unexpected blessing uncovered in my latest heartbreak... maybe that’s why I waited and I wasn’t ready... because I really needed to feel safe and protected and for that to be proven. Now that the proof is no longer required, it seems like the system is no longer needed!

I wonder how long I will feel like this...

My Dragon Slumbers

The peace within my life right now is unfathomable... I mean... I was once at a high level of peace, prior to my son dying, but I never thought I would get there or anywhere near there again... I had come to peace with my past, with my life, with my son’s condition... and then he died and I slipped into a depressing black hole and attracted a lot of distraction, mess, and devastation into my life... Even the pretty shiny things were really just maggot filled apples in disguise... with a spell of grief and hope blocking my true sight...

As I have now cleared the last of those mirages from my sight, my vision and mind are clearing. I am no longer on the protective defensive... I am now on the leading edge of my life... I am no longer torturing myself for love... I am now deeply focused on the joy within my relationships... I am no longer entertaining others who don’t align with my virtues of honesty, loyalty, and trust... I am now understanding that love is not enough for me when those truths aren’t present in someone... I am no longer unconditionally accepting anyone into my arms... I am now worth the level of judgement needed to discern the people I want in my life... let God or whatever you believe in hold onto unconditional love... my connective love comes with conditions... and I have learned that that’s okay and I’m worth it.

I did not understand the burden I was carrying with me until she decided to go back to sleep... my dragon slumbers... only to awaken when my protection is needed again... thank you Daphne... thank you for always being there to protect me and keep me safe... thank you for standing firm in your ideas of how we need to be treated before I spread my legs... thank you for looking down your nose at me when I fell crying... and then for offering your hand to pick me back up with your smug and sarcastic “I told you so” grin... and thank you for leaving when you are no longer needed so that the undeserving are not eviscerated by your scornful and hateful gaze. I will and will not miss you...

Never Enough, No Its Never Enough!!

You know when you hit a wall and you’re feeling like you aren’t enough... just not enough for anyone in your life... you didn’t move quick enough, you didn’t overcome your own shit fast enough, you couldn’t develop the trust you need cuz of the other voices in your head (maybe not this one cuz I’m crazy), you didn’t give enough of the time or effort you should have...

And instead of a flood of support from those who say they love you, the escape that your looking for, the connection that you need to make it through, there is a pull away and a separation that happens...

And then, one thing in this pile of hot mess is picked back up and shoved in your face, like you didn’t know it was there... and it all just makes you feel even more horrible and reminds you of how you just couldn’t change yourself to be enough for someone else... or even for someone else’s someone else!!

I keep crying about how I just don’t seem to be enough right now... that song keeps playing in my head... the bitch in my head is screaming it at me and laughing

“It's never enough, no it's never enough
No matter what I say
It's never enough, no it's never enough
I'll never be what you want me to be”

 -Five Finger Death Punch 

Some things in life are doomed because of the hauntings of the past... new life lesson... how can I tell the difference? I can’t... time to stop trying to fuck with things from the past... it doesn’t work out... I used to be a 3 chances girl... but I think when it comes to my heart and people, I need to make it a one and done. This shit hurts.

Skewering

Sick and tired... I woke up this morning sick... yesterday was a pretty emotional day... well... Friday and Saturday... and now I’m feeling drained and tired... hearts and bodies are interesting things, you know...

I was having a hard day... emotions all over the place... trying to stay singular at my nephew’s first birthday party, when I really wanted to be plural... taking way too many breaks to stay in character... you know... that’s what it feels like when I have to suppress my alters... like I’m an actress staying in character... I thought I was doing a great job until the end of the party when my mom asked if something was up... I said I would talk to her about it later. She knows I’m poly, but wasn’t aware that one of my relationships ended via text during the party...

On the ride home, I was sad and sullen... 2 hours of riding like that, with my amazing hubby telling me he loves me... telling me that I’m enough and not too much at the same time... telling me that I am perfect for him and that anyone who walks away doesn’t deserve me... reminding me that there are other fish in the sea... telling me that I can never have too many platonic friends... and me trying to smile... trying to show him that I’m alright... that i can be better...

When we got home, we watched some shows and then he fucked me so hard, I cried. He asked if it felt like he was skewering me... I cried a yes... tears ran down my face as he fucked me so hard and I couldn’t slip away... my head was too full of emotional energy and I couldn’t escape the pain into subspace like I normally do when he fucks me too hard... he tried to help in ways we have discovered  and I smacked his hands away and felt the internal stabbing deeply... to have your heart and your pussy skewered is one way to live a day... so I leaned in and let him hurt me. He came so hard when my hips took over and tried to hold him off... his face looked distraught as I continued to cry big sobbing tears... he doesn’t like to see me cry...

We whispered I love yous and I cuddled/cried into my teddy bear until I fell asleep.

Gratitude for 2018

I am so happy for this new year! It feels like a cleanse has happened and all of the garbage is out of my life. Even my house is cleaner, lol! On Sunday, before the new year, Daddy set out a list of new chores for the kiddos and myself to maintain a nice clean house. This was always his forte since I suck about thinking about a clean house. I have a little bit of a Cinderella complex from my youth that makes me need a firm list of things to clean and punishments if said cleaning is not done so I can focus!

Thankfully, he only focused on creating the kid chores. He left mine all the same with one exception!! I no longer have to do the bathrooms!! Yay! Since then, I have been able to wake up every morning to a clean house that smells good. The floors are swept, mopped, and vacuumed at least once a day. The bathrooms are cleaned at least once a day. It has been amazing!

As I enter this new year with a decluttered home and a decluttered mind, I can’t help but reflect on and be grateful for a few things over 2018!

I am grateful to my sister for giving us my niece. I know it was an easy yet hard decision... easy cuz my niece was being a straight up asshole to her. Hard because giving away your child is always difficult.

I am grateful to my Daddy for being with me and holding my hand through all things. You are my rock and my strength. You are my heart and my wonder. You are my everything and I am glad to be yours. Fuck everything and everyone else babe! We got this!!

I am grateful for the lies of a brat princess as she gave me another chance with my Sire by pretending change and then left once the pretending was too much, giving me back my Daddy. Her presence has finally made its way out of my heart completely with our last interaction in 2018. It was just what I needed!

I am grateful for my sons! So grateful for how they have grown and how they show is that our parenting style works... this part seems small, but it has been instrumental in culturally shifting my niece into our environment.

I am grateful for the consistent, honest, and amazing people I have in my life. They are the backbone that makes me believe in humanity. I almost lost faith this year, lol, but you all kept me solid.

I am grateful for my DID. I have been learning how to be more in tune with myself over this last year and am even down to only 4 now! I have also met a few other DID individuals and a few of my friends have been able to interact with and see the various me’s... all of my life, I have thought of it as a curse and a hinderance... until this last year, when I sat down and truly studied where it came from and why I still have it. I am blessed to have such a powerful mind to work with!

I am grateful for all of the people in my life who have not abandoned me. You are a blessing in my life every day. I love you.