New Year's Eve - Kinky resolutions

Time to make my resolutions for the new year!! i usually keep a list of goals that i have for myself year round and update it as i go, but it is a very vanilla list. These are the goals i share with anyone when asked what my resolutions for the new year will be and they all focus on not procrastinating and on being healthier.

My kinky resolutions will be pretty similar:

1. i will follow Master's direction as soon as it is given with a smile on my face.

2. i will attend an official play party somewhere at least once in the year.

3. i will continue to seek out new experiences and new individuals to have experiences with.

That's it... Just 3 this year, but i think they will be very impactful...

What are your kinky resolutions for the new year?

Sexercise

Some days are just good for playing video games. . Yesterday was one of those days.

i am preparing for a new diet plan which has me eating more often throughout the day and also working out a little harder. i was reminded this last week that life is short and living healthy can help with extending the time i am here, barring extenuating circumstances... So, i am going to use all of that pain to improve my health and hopefully the health of the rest of my family.

Master is helping me stay fit with all of the sexercise i have been having... Electro-abs the other day... Nipple bite lunges last night (basically biting my nipple and moving His head into different positions forcing me to lunge or squat to relieve the pain)... What will happen next? Lol...

Master's direction

For a while, i am going to be using Master instead of Papa Bear to help me stay in a better frame of mind... After yesterday's freakout, i feel like i need to implement some things to help with maintaining my sanity, even in this blog. Using M/s verbiage is one thing... i am still debating whether i should take away the i pronoun, but at this point, it will stay unless things push even further...

Master said that i am not allowed to think about taking His favorite toy away from Him (me) as thoughts of suicide ran through my head yesterday... Thankfully, we did not have any deadly pills in the medicine cabinet... Unfortunately, i got to the point where i actually looked... Sometimes the weight of my son's condition just crushes me flat and makes me want to escape it all... Yesterday was one of those days... At least the morning was...

The rest of the day, Master commanded me. He had me make very specific meals for the day, had me do chores around the house, and basically got me out of my head. When i follow His direction, i don't think about anything else but pleasing Him, which helps so much more than i think He knows. He was also more vocal with His requests, which i liked a lot.

After a day of following Master's direction, i asked for play... Specifically, electric play... i don't like it, but Master loves it and He wants me to work on my tolerance... He would prefer that i get excited about electric play, so asking Him for it seemed like a good first step. He had me set up the electric wand and get out a new flogger to play with once we got the kids in bed.

We used 2 different attachments and i think i did really well. He gave me a pretty good ab workout with the needle attachment He has. i also handled the flogger pretty well, until it whipped and smacked me in the pussy!! Ouch!! My Master then screwed my mouth and pussy until we both came together. He made me orgasm while we were going through the most painful parts of the flogging  and electric play to get my mind to believe pain and pleasure go together... Such a caring Master!

Losing my shit..

A dear friend of mine lost her son the other day due to complications with a surgery that he needed to have. This event has me evaluating my life and decisions again. Life is short and it is important to do what we feel is right and what will make us happy.

i know that, for me, i am happy serving my Papa Bear. i love giving Him everything He wants and live for his happiness. i know that He cares about my happiness too. My happiness is so hard to define while His is so simple. He wants to wake up to a BJ or sex. He wants to have good food ready for Him when He wants it. He wants His slave to almost be a mind reader that knows what He needs and wants at all times. He wants to issue commands with a whisper or a nudge instead of with spoken communication...

i feel kind of lost right now... i don't really know what makes up my happiness... i don't even know if i am happy now... i think i may be, but i am not really sure of anything right now... This has me so twisted up inside and i am going to need to figure it out before i break again... i don't like being broken... i know that much at least.

How do you fully remove yourself and your mind, your wants and your needs, so you can fully focus on your slavery or submission and let your Master have all of that control without breaking when serious life events happen?

Sigh... Obviously, i am struggling right now with a lot of different things... My mind and my heart are in 2 different places and it is not fun, to say the least... i continue to mourn for my friend's child and think about the potential loss of my own special guy... Every time i think of possibly losing him, it brings up life decisions that i made to help cope with that issue that are now in full conflict with my current lifestyle...

i am not liking the way this post is going and don't really want to write it anymore... i hate this feeling of ache that i have in my heart and pain that i have in my head... i do not like the fact that i have some mental issues sometimes that push me so close to the edge... i just can't handle it on my own...

So what did i do about all of that pain i wrote about earlier? i cried... i woke Papa Bear up for cuddles and help... And He helped me... He spanked me and gave me commands... He helped me sort out the conflict through communication... Through helping me define choices and placing my thoughts and my crazy into logical options... i can choose M/s or i can choose my past coping mechanism... He promises to love me either way...

So i chose... i choose my Master over everything else. i will let the rest of it go... But it was a hard morning...

May i please eat, Sir?

So... We recently started a new regimen to help with my tendency to overeat or randomly eat things that are not good for me in secret... Papa Bear is now giving me permission to eat meals and snacks. At first, we were just going to use it as a way to stop me because i won't usually eat something if i have to think about it, but now it is turning into something bigger... Papa Bear has taken the reigns and is using this permission to determine what i can eat, how much i can eat, and to stop me from indulging... Can i say that i love it?!!!!

A lot of the things that we do are usually suggestions i make and ideas i come up with... Who better to think of an appropriate punishment or a new plan of action than the slave that is encountering issues? i also read an exorbitant amount of blogs and literature about M/s and TPE, so Papa Bear uses that expertise to help develop ideas for new things. Some things that i bring up are immediately shot down, some are taken into consideration, and others are implemented.

Once implemented in their original form, Papa Bear will tweak and adjust the idea until it works for us.

One thing i have noticed already is that i am constantly in a different headspace... Not really sub space, but not really my normal headspace either... Kind of somewhere in between a dream and reality... It is an interesting feeling to live and walk around in a dream type mentality... Not bad, just different...

i am a little worried about this state of mind because we took that class on end of life preparation. i worry that Papa Bear will leave me stuck in a dream type state with no one to tell me i can eat, so i just continue going until i die of starvation... Sigh... i know that  wouldn't happen because we have already talked about Him setting up a Dom to watch over me until i am back on my feet, but i am a worrier sometimes... i am also a little weird sometimes to, lol...

Playing for 4...

Last night was amazing! We had so much fun with Beautiful and another friend of ours, who is vanilla, but very interested in the lifestyle. Let's call him Newbie for now. ;-)

For about a week, Papa Bear, Beautiful, and Newbie have been planning what to do last night. One thing about BDSM play is that preparation and some planning has to be done ahead of time. Someone usually can't just do something on the fly... Even if it is a quick negotiation of safe words... i love that i don't really have to worry about that aspect because of my slave status... Papa Bear negotiates everything for me.

Newbie is actually a really close friend, so i have been worried about playing in front of him. He is one of Papa Bear's closest friends and practically like a brother to me, so i thought it would be weird to be naked in front of him or ordered to do stuff in front of him. What i found out was that it really wasn't. i felt like i could finally just be me, which is someone i usually keep pretty hidden around vanilla people, even really close vanilla friends. People just don't understand why someone would want to wear fluffy fox ears when she is 32 and raising a family. Shocking, right?! lol...

When we got to Beautiful's house, i put on my ears and collar right away. We started eating dinner when Newbie got there. He complimented my ears as we went over to chat and get to know each other a bit... Or at least let Beautiful and Newbie get to know each other. After a little bit, we broke out the suit cases and pulled out supplies.

We started out with flogging and trying different floggers. Papa Bear flogged me and Beautiful to show Newbie how to flog and when he started flogging Beautiful, you could tell that he was a natural. One of the agreements before we played was that he would not be man handling or playing with me. i am Papa Bear's property and see Newbie all the time, so that would have been a little too complicated for me.

i just love watching Beautiful being flogged and seeing her getting flogged by 2 people and being one of the three to play with her at the same time was such an honor... There was a point when she and i got to play with each other face to face while she was being flogged and i was being flogged... It was so awesome!

We also got to play with Papa Bear's new electric equipment. i know Papa Bear loves to torture me with this equipment, so i love that... But that is about all i love about it... Newbie also likes the electric equipment and Beautiful does a much better job than me at taking it. i just love how easy it is to make her orgasm and get her excited.

All together, i would say that it was a good experience. We had fun and got to share a different part of our lives with a friend.

my Master

my Master is so sweet and kind and gentle. He probably let's me get away with too much, but i think it was because we were husband and wife before all of this. Before TTWD, we ran everything together, but the struggle for who was in charge was prevalent. He was raised to pretty much give women whatever they wanted and i was brought up to believe that women are often times better than men at doing things. Sometimes, this meant that during any struggle for power, i generally won. Not because i was more equipped to handle a situation, but because i was ruthless in getting my way and making it work for me because i really thought i could do it better...

As you can probably tell, that didn't really lead either of us to full happiness. We didn't really fight or argue, but we weren't fulfilling our purposes...

Last night, as we got ready for bed, Papa Bear started to play with me and i said that i was tired and we should probably rest up... (big date with  Beautiful today)... And He just said okay, disappointedly, and started to roll over. i immediately hopped up and asked what He wanted to do. He said i made a good point and He would let me sleep while He took care of Himself... i asked Him why He would let His slave sleep if He really wanted to have sex... He thought about it for a second and said He didn't want to damage me by playing with me too much... So sweet! How cute is that?! Damage me with too much sex and playtime... lol... Maybe He forgot for a second that i am a dirty little whore... ;-)

i assured Him that i would not get damaged and that i am His piece of property and He can use me  whenever He wants... and so He did, face fucking and anal sex, which are 2 of my favorites now. Sometimes, He still needs that assurance and encouragement... vanilla conditioning sucks... i know i am happier serving Him and having Him in charge, but sometimes, i think i do a lot around the house or i think that nothing is fair... i know that He is happier in charge, but sometimes, i think He worries that He is too demanding or that He doesn't do enough.

In reality, we both work together to get it all done. He charts the course and i help us adhere to it. If there was one thing i would change, it would be to take away those worries that i know float around in His brain so He could be free to command without feeling demanding or domineering as He is not either of those things.

i love You Daddy, i belong to You, i am all Yours :-)