Rollercoasters

One thing I have never liked, even as a kid, is a rollercoaster. I always end up on one that breaks and causes me some kind of pain. My first one gave me whiplash when the brakes failed at a county fair and it came to a stop on the super at the end, josteling me about...

The next group happened when I was a teenaged and I visited Six Flags as part of a church trip. 2 of the rides malfunctioned while I was on them and 1 hurt my neck after my long hair whipped around a pole on the ride and yanked my head back... Sigh... Fucking rollercoasters...

Now, as an adult, I am on 2 rollercoasters at the same time. I have a son with a lot of medical issues and everyday could be the day I lose him, so my days are filled with waves of him doing really good and then doing really bad. Up and down, my heart jumps to my throat and then settles in my chest again. I cry when he is having difficulties, but then put on that brave smile for him when he is doing better so he can be happy and feel hope. My hope is dwindling, but I still try to hold on to it...

The other rollercoaster is the poly lifestyle. Maneuvering through 5 relationships is interesting and challenging. I say 5 even though I only see 4 people because the triad itself is included as a separate dynamic than the individual relationships I have with My Queen and Sir to me.

Being an owned slave with a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a dominant, and a triad relationship is interesting. When my Master becomes upset, everything gets upset because I will always be his slave first and foremost. This has been difficult because the triad was officially developed during a time in July when I had rejected my slavery because of some other changes that occurred. Recently, Papa Bear has taken back ownership and I have taken his collar again. He is starting to feel positive again about our relationship again and I feel as though I can follow his lead again.

I feel like I am finally starting to level out the rollercoaster, but it is a lot of work. I keep telling myself that a good thing is worth hard work and I fully believe that!

I cannot wait for both of these rollercoasters to settle down and become more like a steady train track...

Changes

So many changes since my last writing on June, when I kissed my pretty girl! We are dating now, me and my pretty girl. Over the last couple of months, I have determined that I am definitely polyamorous! I also have a triad relationship with a married couple as well, My Queen and my Sir. I am still a slave and in a24/7 TPE relationship.

Fun times :)

Getting back to foxy

Sitting here, after reading back through the posts at the beginning of the year, I realized that I changed more than I wanted to this last year and that those changes haven't really worked for what I want to create in my life and the life of my family.

I also realized that I stopped writing in June, and the event of tremendous impact happened in July, so I am kind of kicking myself for not writing during that time... So I am going to get back to writing. It makes me happy and gets my thoughts out of my head and into a place where I can self-analyze and overanalyze as well, lol...

I read the most amazing post at the Power Exchange that made me realize that I have been hiding myself from this blog, because what would my readers think, lol!! While I love sharing the journey, this blog is my diary... Much like my Facebook page is for my vanilla stuff... Love you readers, but I have realized that if you don't want to read, that is okay... If you do, that is okay too. As long as I am following me, then this blog is worth it...

That being said, I interact with a lot of people that want to remain anonymous, so I will likely make up names for them as I go to protect their anonymity.

One of the biggest things I noticed for myself today is that I have moved away from using the i that I used to use when talking in first person... Also, I recently put Papa Bear's foxy in a box (in July)... And locked her away... Without understanding or realizing that I was doing that... In discovering myself, which is what this whole life is about, I lost bits of me that I want back... So it is time to refocus and reconnect and get back to the me that i want to be...

Waiting

Waiting... How funny that this page was already created, untitled, and waiting for me... Well, I am definitely going to explore an interesting topic because a lot has changed about me since 6/22.

I am currently experiencing what taking a break in relationships can look like from different angles and perspectives. From mine, taking a break sucks... I miss my loves... I miss my me time... I miss my play... I feel like I can try and go about it the right way, but what is the right way when you are experiencing life? Is there a right and wrong way to stop something that can be revisited once the rest of the shit settles?

I am finding that being a 24/7 consensual nonconsent slave in a polygamous situation is hard. Papa Bear wants to share me, but wants to make sure that he has an open line of communication (connection) with his metamours.

After talking with Papa Bear, this makes more sense because he wants to have at least brief interactions with anyone who plays with his toy (me)... For a while, I forgot that I was his slave, his property, his toy and that he gave permission for others to play with me who deserved and asked for it. For a few months, I thought that I was the leader... I felt like I knew what I was doing...

And then I remembered today... I don't like that role in life. I don't like to make decisions and I don't want to be in charge. I stumbled as we often do when we are trying new things, but my stumbles have hurt people that I love... So what do I do?

I apologize and try to look at different perspectives. I learn from my mistakes. I follow and/or develop a plan and do it.

I hope they can forgive me... We all fuck up sometimes, even I am human...

I wait because only time can heal wounds that were unintentionally inflicted... I am hurting those I love, including myself... But I had to pull off the big girl panties and be the dirty little slave I truly am inside.
I had to be me again. The one that takes charge and makes demands and is a bratty little girl... That isn't me...

Besides... Whores don't wear panties, especially not the big girl kind, lol...

So I wait...

The kiss

i was full of excited and crazy energy after my health and nutrition conference, which usually ramps me up because of the 32 pounds i have lost on my nutrition plan. Waiting to be seated... Waiting for them to arrive... For her pretty eyes and his assured energy... Sitting next to my Papa Bear... Who is making small talk as we wait for them with a slight smirk on His face... He knows i am nervous... He always knows my version of crazy in each moment.

And in they walked. Her classic beauty in a classy dress and his presence in a bow tie. We then all stood around waiting at the restaurant. i nervously watched her eyes... Anxious nervousness... Wondering about what it would be like to kiss her pretty little lips.

Oh... And did i mention that Papa Bear had me put in a big metal butt plug for dinner, lol? No... Must have slipped my mind, lol...

Once we made it back to the car, i removed the plug and breathed a little easier. Smiling and blushy, we made our way to their home.

We decided to watch a movie... It took a minute to work up the courage to hold her hand. My eyes darting between her eyes and lips... One hand on my Papa Bear's lap and the other caressing her hand, and then her face, feeling her soft glow... When our lips met... Sigh... i could do that forever and be happy...

We played and had a lot of fun. i learned that i like thuddy canes and that when those are paired with a couple of great punches, the colors are very pretty...

But my favorite thing was kissing my pretty girl...

The gift of a toy mentality

Ooh my goodness! We tried something new and it was amazing! So Papa Bear saw this girl at a play party that was getting punched in the butt and asked if i would be willing to give it a try. When He asks things like that, i feel his love. He is such a sweetheart and has always wanted to make sure i am okay.

i, of course, have a completely different opinion of His favorite toy. His favorite little whore toy is just that... A toy... She doesn't have an opinion except for the one that is her Master's... So of course she wants to get punched in the ass. She wants the energy that her Master feeds her. She pushes through and past the pain to feel the joy in His heart and the love that He gives her with His hands.

So we did it and it was amazing. she loved it and so then did i. she exploded with joy over and over and over again, and i watched with a smirk on my face as i absorbed the power inherent in the situation... In the simple act of Papa Bear punching her in the ass... His precious foxy learned that she had a gift for Him. i gave him the gift of His favorite toy, her.

Daddy's little whore

My journey has been interesting to say the least... And it has gotten to the point now where i am a dirty whore...Papa Bear likes me being a good little whore...
The kind that wears a pretty smile but is willing to drop to her knees in a second and suck cock...
The kind who doesn't talk back but does say nasty dirty things...
The kind that wears pretty dresses but will get naked whenever asked with no questions, regardless of who is around...
The kind that looks innocent and naive but definitely knows how to please in the naughtiest ways...

As i start to play with another, i have learned that sometimes, these dichotomies are fun, but can be hard to maneuver through... Especially when my play partners like different things and different attitudes. i love being able to make them happy in their different preferences and the chameleon in me allows me to play different parts... Part of me wonders if i will be the wrong whore for the partner i am playing with at the time and part of me wants that to happen to see what the repercussions would look like...

Becoming the little whore that everyone enjoys... The one begging to be flogged, spanked, or dragged about by her hair... Being dominated by powerful and intelligent individuals that help bring her to life by allowing her to experience submission... Bringing her to her knees when she doesn't want to go willingly... Telling her what a good girl she is as she sings out to release the pain inherent in this world, this life... Sigh... Pure ecstasy....