In my memory

Today is a day that will live in my memory forever... My heart still aches, but all will be okay... I know it will...

Serving Papa Bear is so hard right now because I just can't seem to think about the tasks I need to do... Sigh... But he will help me get back there...

Lunch play

Yesterday, I was able to eat lunch with my Master, my Queen, and my Sir! It was so fun! We chatted about our personal rope night experience over delicious food. We laughed and had fun and it was all okay. I keep telling myself that everything is okay that is happy because sometimes, the guilt of having a good time when my son just passed tries to creep in... He would have wanted me to continue my happiness... I know he would...

Where we were in the restaurant allowed for a little play and in true foxy fashion, I wasn't wearing any panties, so I got to stand up and flash my loves without impacting any other tables or people... So risky and fun... I was sharing my bare ass to check for flogging markings because we played with the flogger during our make shift rope night... Doing this made everyone blush and smile, which made my heart sing... 

Then, as we were getting ready to go, I got to be playful again and flash my ass as I leaned into the car to put the food away on the floor of my car under their continued direction. I finally flipped my skirt after I still wasn't leaning in far enough and had all 3 telling me how to do it, lol. It may seem overbearing or overwhelming to have so many people telling you what to do. For me, it brings me warmth to know that they all care enough to help give me direction... Even if that direction is naughty... It helps me to stop thinking... And I really don't want to think right now...

So naughty and fun and playful... Made me feel like my old self again... Then we went shopping for clothes for the memorial and I started crying in the store. Papa Bear stopped me and held me in the aisle, letting me cry in his arms... Emotional rollercoaster again... Sigh...

Okay to smile

Rope is magical!

Last night, my Sir came over, with Papa Bear's permission, to tie me up.

I needed it.

As Open Rope Night approaches, one of my favorite events and one I haven't missed since I started going, I have become antsy and agitated. So I reached out to see if he would still take care of me, even though the big breakup happened and my son recently passed... And he made the time.

My Sir has been my friend for a while and has been a tremendous help to my family. He knows what we went through with my son and I trust him... I would trust him with my life...

He didn't make me feel weird or bad for wanting to play so close to such a bitter sweet event, which weighs heavy on my mind and heart every day. He helped everything feel normal for me... Happy for me... I was able to serve and be served... I get to live my life and be happy and smile... It is okay to smile is something I have to keep reminding myself of because a smile on my lips is something I keep pushing down...

Until I break

Right now, I feel like I am dying, but I am still alive. Papa Bear is trying to help me find myself again... Being around people is helping... Texting with people is helping... Not focusing on myself is helping...

I am falling back into a submissive position, and will become the slave I want to be again, some day... But for now, a sub... My mind just refuses to think about the details of serving my Papa Bear... And he is handling me with kitten gloves... My head and heart ramble on about nonsense to everyone and I can tell that I am being watched closely... I can tell that we are waiting for me to break... I am waiting for myself to break...

I keep crying during play and sex... My sub space is just full of tears now... I feel like it will be a while before that stops, so I need to just go with it... Just get used to crying, because right now, crying feels so good... It feels like it gets the despair of losing my son out... But I  can't just cry, it has to be dragged out of me... Because I have to stay strong... Until I finally break...

Crying

I am falling to pieces...

Today seems to be all about crying...

I can't seem to stop crying...

I lost my son... He passed away today right in front of us... And now everything feels different...

Escape

Watching my son as he slowly drifts away from me... Holding his hand as he struggles just to breathe... Looking into his eyes, even though he is staring right through me...

He is so young... This is so hard... I needed to escape so I came here...

I thought my heart was broken by the dissolution of my secondary relationships, but that was nothing compared to this pain. While I am in this headspace, I am trying to make peace with everything. I feel like once my son passes, I am going to let all of this big ball of sadness go at the same time. The universe can take all of this hurt and pain and depression and sadness away... I would like my sunshine back please!

In case you are reading this, I love you and I want you to know that these snippets will help me when I read this later, but in no means encompasses everything you meant to me and everything I appreciated in you. These are things that will trigger memories for me. Who knows... Maybe one day, when all my shit settles down, I won't be missing any of these things... A girl can always hope... And I always will... Sometimes, the stars can realign...

My Queen and your huge heart and beautiful soul, who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to ask or stand up for it. I will miss playing with you and feeling like your barbie doll, which I absolutely adored. I loved dressing up and becoming even closer to your version of what my beautiful would be with your assistance.  You are so beautiful, inside and out and in that delicate place where inside and outside meet, I will especially miss tasting you... Yummy!

My Sir and Your bright light that filled my heart with such joy in such dark times. i wish i could have fulfilled being Your girlfriend, and i will miss our school yard kisses and Your delicious cock... Thank goodness I still have the purple version of You since I always have my naughty imagination ;)

My pretty girl and your intellect and fun quippy conversations, always quick to respond and help me pull myself out of the situation. I will miss hearing about your day and our make out sessions... And especially chewing on your nipples...mmmmm...

My sweet husband... Yes, I will miss you too. You are no longer the man that would put himself through a hell inside to give me whatever I want. You have decided to step into the Master that I have always wanted You to be. I will miss your sweet puppy dog looks and the way you let me get away with murder. I still need to wait to see what else I will miss since you will also probably change quite a bit due to this impossible situation with our son.

My version of me now... I am not quite sure what I will miss in this because I am not yet sure what pieces i will lose or change when i lose my little man. I don't know who i will become as a woman who lost a child and still has 2 others to raise and a life to push forward in... But I know that I like this most recent version. I am fun and daring. I love hard and fast. I give everything I can to anyone who really wants it. I get in front of people, naked! I love a good anal screwing and to get a cock as deep into my throat as it will go. I love and live for rope and wish I could just be harnessed every day, lol. I like this version of my crazy... It has been very fun...

I just wanted to recount all of this so I don't forget. I don't want to forget things and I have such a horrible memory. Anything to take my mind off of what is happening in this room with me... As he breathes and I stare at him... Crying, praying, hoping, wishing, hurting, wondering, asking, begging... I feel like I am dieing too... Glad for the escape...

Count your blessings

Last night through today have been the toughest I have ever experienced in my life. That must mean that it is time to turn around and count all of the blessings that I experienced due to these latest trials.

1. I gained a Master. My true master and not him trying to master me... Him truly owning everything about me, which is what I have wanted for 6 years.
2. I gained the reminder that love hurts, so I need to guard my heart and avoid truly loving anyone with everything in me that I have to give. I had forgotten this valuable lesson from my youthful days as a slut, lol.
3. I gained additional time back to focus just on my family. While I am poly, right now is just not the right time. The personal struggle I am going through with helping my son is too hard for me to handle, let alone for anyone else to handle. I probably shouldn't just expect that others can handle everything that comes with me... I have a ton of baggage to say the least, lol.
4. I am worth too much to my Master and myself to allow myself to feel sad, depressed, anxious, or upset due to another individuals actions. I am only a puppet to my Master, so no one else can pull a string to make me dance or sing or laugh or cry. I am an amazing ball of sunshine because I don't let the world's darkness smother my light. I will shine bright and smile everyday because I have the love of an amazing man and 3 amazing boys (my sons).
5. Most of all, I love myself, which is really all that matters. I love that I am a little crazy and eccentric. I love that I am overly sexual in a teasing kind of way. I love that I can follow my Papa Bear with a direct passion. I love that I am poly and can love people easily, even if it ends up breaking my heart every time. I love that I still love every single person I have ever said "I love you" to. I am amazing.