Library Book

So, I was allowed to go on a date with my Sir, and it was so much fun!

To start off the night, we went out to eat. We picked a restaurant close to home and talked about how he would introduce me if we bumped into someone that he knows while out while we were driving over. I was going to be introduced as his secretary, which is a not-so-secret turn on for me, lol...

As we approached the restaurant, he noticed the vehicle of a mutual friend and I saw them sitting on the patio. We quickly walked back to the car without them noticing us... Heart thumping in my throat... That was a close call...

We may be okay with our relationship and so are our spouses, but our non-kinky friends just wouldn't understand... And now we know better as far as eating close to home... Could you imagine what would have happened if they had walked in after we had checked it out for people we knew and then started canoodling when there were none, lol?!

We drove further away and found a restaurant and talked with the waiter as I ate and held his hand. We absolutely love playing with and messing with people. As the waiter looked at him in awe because he had a beautiful girl next to him on a date that belonged to his best friend and a beautiful wife that was cool with it and participated, i could see him swell with joy in this accomplishment... It made me proud to hold his hand.

We went to his place after and played, which is always fun! He hog tied me and then dragged me to the edge of his bed so I could give him a blow job at the same time. We played with knives, which pushes me into sub space so quickly. Oh goodness, how I wanted to take everything he wanted to give. He also tied me up into one of the prettiest designs so far! Then, we snuggled and did aftercare.

Something about him is weirdly familiar to and for me... Like we are intricately connected on an alternate level or different existence of consciousness... Maybe we were lovers in a different time or maybe we will be on the next go around... My heart is full of love for him and I miss him every minute he is not with me...

But the night had to end and as it was ending, he told me he wanted to keep me there. I reminded him he couldn't and he said he knew... Having me is like checking out a book from the library, he said... He can check me out and borrow me, but I am always having to be given back... But the good news is that I can always be checked out again... I kinda like this analogy, because that is how I feel... Like a great library book... I always loved and read library books like they were mine... But at the end of the day, they needed to be returned to the correct place...

Grieving

I am learning that Papa Bear and I both grieve in different ways. Both of us are mourning our loss and it is hard... This type of difference is what you hear about when you hear that marriages and families have fallen apart and dissolved due to a traumatic experience or the loss of a loved one, especially a child... He was 7... I miss him so much... We both do...

I am learning that Papa Bear is wanting to stay close to home and close to me. He wants to stew in the sadness and really feel it to help get through it... At least, that is what it looks like from the outside... I know that he lost the main purpose in his life as he stayed home to focus on our son due to his illness... And now he needs to figure out what to do with his life when we already had it sorted out... That can be overwhelming...

On the other side, I want to escape and run away. I want to get out or at least be playing hard enough that I am distracted from the fact that I lost him in the room I sleep in every night... That he lay on my side of the bed as he left this earth... That he struggled so hard... And that even though I know I couldn't have done any more than I did, I am still sure that I missed something... I am a runner... Don't get me wrong, I will stand and fight for something I believe in... But in a fight or flight scenario, my gut reaction is flight...

So, I talked with my Papa Bear and he is deciding to let me fly when I need to in order to handle my grief and I will support him by being at his side when he needs to cuddle or stew...

In my memory

Today is a day that will live in my memory forever... My heart still aches, but all will be okay... I know it will...

Serving Papa Bear is so hard right now because I just can't seem to think about the tasks I need to do... Sigh... But he will help me get back there...

Lunch play

Yesterday, I was able to eat lunch with my Master, my Queen, and my Sir! It was so fun! We chatted about our personal rope night experience over delicious food. We laughed and had fun and it was all okay. I keep telling myself that everything is okay that is happy because sometimes, the guilt of having a good time when my son just passed tries to creep in... He would have wanted me to continue my happiness... I know he would...

Where we were in the restaurant allowed for a little play and in true foxy fashion, I wasn't wearing any panties, so I got to stand up and flash my loves without impacting any other tables or people... So risky and fun... I was sharing my bare ass to check for flogging markings because we played with the flogger during our make shift rope night... Doing this made everyone blush and smile, which made my heart sing... 

Then, as we were getting ready to go, I got to be playful again and flash my ass as I leaned into the car to put the food away on the floor of my car under their continued direction. I finally flipped my skirt after I still wasn't leaning in far enough and had all 3 telling me how to do it, lol. It may seem overbearing or overwhelming to have so many people telling you what to do. For me, it brings me warmth to know that they all care enough to help give me direction... Even if that direction is naughty... It helps me to stop thinking... And I really don't want to think right now...

So naughty and fun and playful... Made me feel like my old self again... Then we went shopping for clothes for the memorial and I started crying in the store. Papa Bear stopped me and held me in the aisle, letting me cry in his arms... Emotional rollercoaster again... Sigh...

Okay to smile

Rope is magical!

Last night, my Sir came over, with Papa Bear's permission, to tie me up.

I needed it.

As Open Rope Night approaches, one of my favorite events and one I haven't missed since I started going, I have become antsy and agitated. So I reached out to see if he would still take care of me, even though the big breakup happened and my son recently passed... And he made the time.

My Sir has been my friend for a while and has been a tremendous help to my family. He knows what we went through with my son and I trust him... I would trust him with my life...

He didn't make me feel weird or bad for wanting to play so close to such a bitter sweet event, which weighs heavy on my mind and heart every day. He helped everything feel normal for me... Happy for me... I was able to serve and be served... I get to live my life and be happy and smile... It is okay to smile is something I have to keep reminding myself of because a smile on my lips is something I keep pushing down...

Until I break

Right now, I feel like I am dying, but I am still alive. Papa Bear is trying to help me find myself again... Being around people is helping... Texting with people is helping... Not focusing on myself is helping...

I am falling back into a submissive position, and will become the slave I want to be again, some day... But for now, a sub... My mind just refuses to think about the details of serving my Papa Bear... And he is handling me with kitten gloves... My head and heart ramble on about nonsense to everyone and I can tell that I am being watched closely... I can tell that we are waiting for me to break... I am waiting for myself to break...

I keep crying during play and sex... My sub space is just full of tears now... I feel like it will be a while before that stops, so I need to just go with it... Just get used to crying, because right now, crying feels so good... It feels like it gets the despair of losing my son out... But I  can't just cry, it has to be dragged out of me... Because I have to stay strong... Until I finally break...

Crying

I am falling to pieces...

Today seems to be all about crying...

I can't seem to stop crying...

I lost my son... He passed away today right in front of us... And now everything feels different...