Done

I am done writing in this blog...

To all my avid readers, maybe I will come back... but I highly doubt it. I have determined that my life is now my own business. I am no longer on display.

Have a fun filled life and make sure you focus on yourself... you are all you have... really... love you all.

Drama

I am past frustrated with a very good friend of mine that I feel is basically being an ass hat. My sorority (The Truth Hammers) and I would love to help you if you could get your head out of your own ass!

Why don't you explain yourself to me instead of letting me just not understand... why don't you let me be your friend... why do you have to be so stuck on how horrible you think everything is... why do you keep doing this to yourself?! it's enough...

I will not allow this energy sucking to continue. I love you and if you ever get your head out of your ass, unfuck yourself, and remember that the world doesn't revolve around you, only yours does, just like mine revolves around me, then I will be there...

Until then, just forget that I exist... I have too much sadness and pain in my life to be dragged around by you...

Please notice that I did not attach this to anyone specifically and it is Uber vague because I didn't want to ask permission to post this, so if the shoe fits, please wear it. Regardless of what time in my life you are reading this...

let this be a wake up call to yourself as well, foxy... if you read this and it sounds like you, please please make a change...

Twitterpated

To be a fly on the wall watching a couple in love... newly in love... twitterpated... I am overjoyed to see these interactions... now that I have released myself from the past by giving Daddy my control, I am no longer annoyed or angered or hurt by their actions with each other. I see these interactions for what they are: two amazing people connecting and learning and engaging and discovering, instead of them trying to hurt me.

So, on Wednesday night, Sweetheart sat in her chair before Daddy came outside. When he got outside, he noticed that his water was missing. He said where are my waters and she hopped up to get them.

Side note: I am liking that my chores are more oriented around caring for our home/family and hers are more focused on taking care of him (we all have a chore chart now!!!)... I have already been doing that for a while and love having the break... (love you Daddy!)

He sits in her seat, with the biggest grin on his face and says watch this... she turns around and sees him in the chair and her face looks so angry. He starts asking her what's wrong in a very teasing voice and she says, my chair! And sits in the other chair when he doesn't get up... and pouts... grumbly looking...

Then Daddy says something about her not forgetting about his waters if she wants to pick her seat. She glares. He asks if she wants her seat now. She says she doesn't... he asks her to stand up and come to him... I grin... she does... he grabs her and throws her over his lap and gives her 2 sound spankings right on the carport.

And her face... pink... flushed... grinning...

And his face... pink... flushed... grinning...

And my face... smiling... watchful... hopeful...

Oh, new love... how beautiful you are...

Carousel

And here I am again... a carousel of emotion... my anger left as I finished cooking dinner and I just wanted my Daddy to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay... so I walk into the room where he is resting and use the restroom. As I walk past, he lifts a hand and calls me to him with his fingers. I obey... it feels good... I lay down next to him... we started to talk about how I feel that he doesn't even think about me and before I know it, I am falling apart. I am crying. I am out of control...

I ask him why he doesn't try for me... why he isn't fighting for me... why he is letting the Bitch win... I have lost control... I am falling... I hate this... I need help... I beg him to help me...I am so broken...

And he tells me he isn't leaving. I tell him I know. Every time he has tried to fight, he loses. I tell him I know... he is discouraged. I tell him I know... he can't function well without her bright smile and happy laugh. I know... he just wants me happy. I know...

He says I am thinking too much and I believe he is right. I am thinking about the pain of the past instead of staying present. He will help me move forward in our current reality if I let him. Do I let him?

I need him to take back ownership because I need it, not because he needs it or demands it. I am thinking too much and I need to stop. I am allowing my mind to run rampant and drive me insane unnecessarily. I am giving it back. He can have my slavery back. I can't feel like this anymore... it's too much for me right now. I am dealing with enough... I don't need to create a situation where one isn't necessary. I just want to go back to being happy.

Opening up to Sweetheart

I woke up, hating him...

I don't usually do that... I usually wake up with love in my heart, but the frustration bled over from the night before. Another first in a long line of firsts in this new step in our lives, where he gets everything he has ever wanted and I continue to work in a job I hate, without the things I want. I think you can tell that I am just a little bitter about it all... and if you go back and read through this blog, maybe you will understand...

I started talking to Sweetheart about how I hate feeling this way. It doesn't make logical sense for me to dislike her at all, but when I looked at her, I just wanted her gone... away... out of my sight... she asked what part of me wants her gone, which helped me get to the bottom of it...

It isn't that I am jealous of her or her relationship with Daddy... I am jealous of him... he has his escape and mine are gone... He has his new love and i am happy for them, but at the same time, I don't like that he gets to have an amazing distraction from our sorrows when I don't... I don't like that he gets to love another woman when me loving other men always made him upset and agitated...

Sweetheart said that she just wants me to be happy and maybe she could be a toy for me or something since I am not relationshipping right now...

I started to think about it and if she is really staying, then maybe I can open my heart to her. I am still afraid of her leaving. I am still afraid of him leaving. I think abandonment issues from childhood don't ever go away... you just learn how to push them away. Leaving seems more realistic now that my hard limits have been crossed... it drives me crazy that I couldn't tell there was anything wrong that Sunday.

But I pushed past it all and the three of us played together.... more like we both played with her and she played with each of us. Sure, he and I shared kisses, but that was all... it was a fun evening and it went well overall... it seems like it could work...

Service with a smile

Last night was almost perfect... almost...

Getting ready to go was a hectic ordeal, but also a lot of fun at the same time. Then, we went out to eat and got the same waiter as Sir and I had long ago. This time, Daddy, and 4 women at the table. Dinner was great and then we were off to party.

At the party, Daddy did a hip harness on me at the beginning. He tied my wrist to my hip. I was able to walk around the party a bit on my own. I went to say hi to Sire , but he was in the middle of a whipping scene.

Then, we set up for Sweetheart's birthday spankings. People came to give her spankings and I was granted 2 of them. As she was getting spanked, Ma'am came to me. I was able to get her a water in service, which felt good. I truly enjoy serving her... she always puts me a little off center...

As everyone dissipated from the birthday spankings, Sire started on an amazing water suspension and he allowed me to assist. His model liked my smile and made me blush with his compliments. I appreciate the friendship we will hopefully keep. I was able to also take some fantastic pics for him using his phone.

After the suspension was in place, I went to find Daddy and Sweetheart. As I was walking to find them, Ma'am asked if I could basically be her fire monitor to ensure she didn't burn her clothes during her performance. I said I would love to and would just need to inform Daddy. She went about getting everything ready.

I found Daddy and Sweetheart in the playroom with the fan and she was giving him a BJ. I ran in, told them of my plan for assisting in fire play, then went back out.

While waiting to assist Ma'am, Sire inquired on assistance with undoing the water suspension. I was able to assist with untying the suspension points on the left side of the pool while he undid the ones on the right. Then, Ma'am was ready for me and I was able to watch her whole performance virtually uninterrupted. It was beautiful. Her hands holding flame. The flame dancing around her arms and torso.

An amazing party with me running around in service... made me so happy to feel useful and appreciated.

Then it was done and it was time to go... we drove straight home, which usually doesn't happen, but we had been prepared with some snack alternatives. Once home, Daddy grabbed me really hard by the hair and pulled. I asked him to be more gentle and he said fine, and let go.

I think that this is when the jealous and shitty feelings started to hook in again. He doesn't really need to work on how he behaves with me anymore now that he has a girl who can take what he wants to give. I think it makes me feel inadequate. Then, he offered to flog me since he was already going to be flogging her... and my head said... wait, don't say yes right away... watch...

I said I would think about it... then he talked to her about flogging and she suggested interspersing this one flogger that was stingier with the other floggers. He took the stingier flogger and just hit her over and over, harder and harder. My brain went into high alert mode and I knew that a yes would mean another failed flogger session for us. I just didn't want that frustration to be compared to how well it went with her.

I kinda felt like an old toy that isn't as much fun to play with anymore... like sex is really the only thing he gets from me that he is interested in... yes, he is trying more with rope, but there are so many other types of play I like too and it hurt to see my toys used on Sweetheart when they are not used on me.

I waited for their session to finish and then told them that I didn't like it. I told them that it hurt my feelings to see him play with her in ways he wasn't really willing to play with me in. He said that he was willing since he offered and I reminded him that I can't take a lot and he usually gets frustrated when I ask him to slow down or not hit as hard.

I was frustrated... and I am sure it came across that way... It was a rough way to end a great night... I am starting to notice feelings of jealousy, which I have not really encountered before...

Missing her...

She did not come over yesterday after work and we both missed the sunshine she brings with her. We are still struggling through our grief from September and she is a breath of fresh air. Daddy smiles more when she is here... so do I... so does she...