Transitions

It’s hard to continue typing and sharing during times of transition... people coming in and out of my life right now... waiting to see which ones stick. I shall continue to hold true to myself and what I want. I will continue to focus on my heart and creating the life I want. The right people will fall into place. I have to trust that.... I have to trust that the universe will give me the puzzle pieces I am looking for... only time will tell.

These bois!

As a slave, one thing I didn’t really do was question my Master... I learned really early on that I should just listen and do what he told me to do as everything would be much smoother... I am noticing that even when I am being sought out to give direction, my direction is not followed and is even questioned... I don’t give a flying fuck if you’ve never done that before... if you belong to me and it isn’t a hard limit, just fucking listen and do what I want... or stop seeking my domination...  I am wanting to meet in person, but already know that I won’t be meeting up with those that can’t even follow basic instructions... these bois... lol

Get me wet... ahem, I mean make my pussy tingle

Met up with a good friend of mine yesterday in the early a.m... this man is getting me addicted to his energy. He is teaching me about the value of my service through gifts of money, which actually makes my pussy feel all tingly... I never knew how turned on money or things could make me because I have had a broke mindset for a while now based on my own limited beliefs... I was so used to getting scraps that I didn’t understand that another option was available and I actually had a lot of negative feelings about money...  now that I have an overflowing abundance of income, I am starting to experience the joys that come with abundance.

I deserve all the best things in life, especially joy and abundance, and I am already starting to meet others who agree and have the means to help me while I continue to build my own business and fortune so I can have the extra now and still provide for my family.

He is also teaching me that my level of service and the giving I provide is so powerful and rare... the understanding that I co-create the dominant energy within him based on my submissive offering is intoxicating and is also helping me understand how my energy flow affects those around me. He is helping me escape the belief that liking to do things for others is only a submissive trait... As an Alpha or Domme, I should want to protect and serve those in my care, so caring doesn’t equal submission... This knowledge is huge and has created a shift in my awareness and understanding of myself.

What if I use all of my knowledge, power, compassion, and strength to focus and create everything I want in life through dominance instead of submission? This was a thought I had not explored until recently and I am really happy I am exploring this path. Thinking about gifting someone with my service after I have used them the way I want makes my pussy tingle... interesting aside... submitting through acts of service alone no longer does that for me, which is new.

He gives me rope, which we all know that I enjoy. I am going to say that rope hasn’t made my pussy tingle in a long time. It is more of a mental quieter or meditation practice for me now... and yesterday, he gave me pain upon my request as I am wanting to work on building a tolerance while also learning how to build a tolerance within someone else. I always find that the best way to learn something is to do it myself first. I will say that the pain did not tingle my pussy at all. It actually made my pussy want to shrivel up and die... lol, but I will experience this to understand what I will be doing to my future sweeties! So what did we do... well... I’ll leave that to your imagination this time... let’s just say that my whole body hurts today, lol... but it hurts soooooo good.

On a side note, on this path of exploration, I’ll be keeping track of the things that actually make my pussy get tingly and excited... I can no longer use getting wet as a gauge because my Daddy has trained my pussy to always be wet, lol.

List of Pussy Tingling Things so far:
Professional men in lacy panties (secret sissies are causing me to create a lil personal porn stash)
CBT that causes giggles during POT
Provide service to my used sweetie pies
Money
Getting random presents in the mail that I can show off
Getting play markings that I can show off
Words
Being taken care before anyone else

Something New

Being me is really very interesting because I can see and experience things from many different angles... last night was an amazing new adventure. I tried to go on a date, lol, with this gentleman... let’s call him The Hat. We tried to meet up at a nearby sports bar, but it was closed for a private party... so then, we went to a Starbucks nearby and it was also closed! He seemed nice enough and we had been chatting, so I invited myself to his place to hang out and chat. He treated me right, opened the door for me, smoked me out, and let me do my thing...

Can I just say that I love giving blow jobs, especially when I am stoned... I am very orally fixated... and I just go to town... and he loved it... praises rained down on me as I took care of him... it was amazing... I have a feeling we will play again and again...

The conversation was fun and delightful. He asked me how I could be so easy and affectionate and made me giggle about an easy “pill”... it was a clear space without drama or responsibilities or a care in the world... it gave me that taste of peace that I crave... now I know the feeling I am pushing for... looking forward to seeing The Hat again 😁

Reminiscing My Queen

I keep opening this page to write and then everything I write seems of little consequence as life is just a bit too heavy again... nothing wants to hit the paper right... none of this even sounds like it’s worth writing, but I’m here, so hey...

Maybe I should just think back on fun times and reminisce for a moment... I remember when she took me to get my hair dyed... from my bright Roller Derby Red to a sensible black with purple streaks... purple was a favorite of hers...

Or maybe our first play session... silly and fun and playful... I remember fucking up the timer and her getting a much longer massage than me... not a problem for My Queen, lol... and I remember the first time she swung a flogger on me... so cute and delicate... like a 1 on a scale of 1-10... got her to a 3 before she decided she didn’t really want to inflict any pain with it... she always had a plan and was very good at executing her plans... and helping everyone else get on board to make sure it worked.

Oh, and the taste of her... delicate and delicious... I could have eaten her for hours... for days even... can’t forget about that...

When we split, it was heartbreaking... a lot of things were out of our control at the time and there really wasn’t an opportunity to regain that control until after my son passed and then, lets face it, I wasn’t even the same person anymore... I just didn’t work for what she needed in her life and I had to accept that my place was as a friend and nothing more...

And now she’s gone... the hope I was holding onto is officially gone... my heart bleeds for the loss of such a beautiful creature... and my tears continue to fall...

Death of my Queen

After work on Saturday, my Daddy sat me down and told me what he heard from his mom about the death of my Queen... gone... gone forever from this world and my future embrace... one hope still held onto against all odds was that I would be able to serve her again... but alas... it was not to be... shut down... broken... wailing... no way to help... no way to connect without breaking chains I am not allowed to break... tied... tied so tight against my will that my heart is shattering over and over and the world does not feel right...

What do I want?

What do I want... what do I want... getting asked this a lot lately in some of my extracurricular relationships and it is such a fucking hard thing for me to figure out... what do I want to do... what do I want done to me... most of the time, my answer is that it will depend on what’s going on at the time... I am very adventurous, but I don’t always know what I want right away... I’m so indecisive, because, let’s face it, when everything needs to be voted on by a council of queens, it starts to get annoying to honk about what I want cuz someone has always had something to say about it... until yesterday...

I don’t know how to explain it, but everything seems like it is very settled... everything in me feels at peace... I’m not feeling a war... im not even feeling a peep... everything is so quiet in my mind... not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I’m just gonna roll with it...