Until...

There is such a thrill in being chased... in being sought after and requested... in someone believing that a connection with me is exactly what they need to fill a hole... I am not really available right now to build new things and I make that very clear with those that chat with me... too much recent loss... I need to heal and spend time on the things I already have in motion... like...

My hubby who is endlessly by my side, loving me, cuddling me, being mine...

My boys who need a focused and loving mom...

My clients who need their cheerleader to push them past the bullshit excuses they have been giving themselves when it comes to their goals...

Making that money!!

Once that healing is over, look out world... but I must face the facts that I am bottling grief and trying to keep everything going in this weird fog... I want to be complete so that I attract others into my sphere that want to be complete too... I am doing the daily work of being the best version of me... but the air is heavy here right now and I don’t want to drag anyone else down with me... I am still clawing my way up to my highest disk... from the depths of a well-worn soul...

I know that the ones that truly want me will wait for me... until...

The void

My body craves him, to fill my empty soul... I currently cannot get enough sex from my Master... I seem insatiable at this point... I am grasping at his arms wrapped around me and his lips on mine... I want grasps and kisses and groping and licking... I want his cock in me repeatedly... I am missing him now as he works... dreaming of his hands on my body and his mouth on my neck...

He’s been anally raping me every night and my ass doesn’t hurt the next day... I fight against it and wriggle, but I don’t safe word and he cums so nicely as I struggle... begging him to use my dirty lil hole... it’s so us... I feel like I am getting closer to who I was... the void that I was before all of this... all of this emotion flooded in... I am strongest in life when I tell emotions to fuck off and focus on remaining an empty, needy lil void...

I’m craving the feel of his hand around my throat and his body smashing me into the bed. Last night, as he was fucking my ass, I just started to fight his advances harder than before... just try to escape with my whole body... and I couldn’t... he is now stronger than me in stamina as well... I can’t just wear him down... shit, with this extra fluff, I wear down a lil easier... and that anal raping reminded me of what a butt slut and anal whore I am for him... I belong to him... he owns me...

On a side note, I’m doing great in my cam life as my pussy seems to be insatiable... I can’t fuck and cum enough... which is so amazing! I was struggling with that within my body for a while... it seems to be the perfect combination of connection with separation for me to get my needs met without taking extra time away from my family or without feeling let down by those who spout words of affection... if you are interested in my cam shows, let me know and I’ll get you my link and info 😁

My Dad Died

Oh goodness... I feel like empty... weirdly empty... my dad died... he had cancer... I was expecting it... but then I wasn’t... it’s kind of like my head put him back in jail again when he slid the last time... and now he’s gone... but at least he isn’t in pain... and at least he can’t get into any more trouble... love and light and joy according to my belief system... I just can’t believe he’s really dead...

Amazingly Perfect with a Touch of Anxiety

My life feels amazingly perfect right now. My Daddy takes such good care of me and used me so good when he worked from home the other day! He used my little pussy twice and when I was getting fucked the second time, we were watching Game of Thrones while the kids were out with my sister-in-law. Binge watching shows with the love of my life while fooling around is what we did before kids, so I have been in heaven!

I’ve really been enjoying playing with random men online and this cam job is dope as fuck... feeds my need for slutty exhibitionism while keeping me protected and safe.... allows me to have the feel of poly with certain clients based on our role plays without the commitment or work or stress... just the good parts, like the extra attention and connection... and it adds money to our home...  it’s really quite perfect.

I’ve been enjoying my work on helping others get healthy... especially us kinky motherfuckers... it’s just nice to be real and to cuss and to not feel judged by the weird shit going on in our lives... you know? And it feels good for me to help others with something that helped my husband and I create the bodies and lives we had been looking for... I am also getting to grow a community at this smoothie shop in an area that we are looking at moving to in the near future! I can’t wait to see how this grows this time!

My pussy, my heart, my soul, and my mind are all clear as crystal and I have never felt better in my life!

With all that being said, April is coming and I can feel the build of the anxiety that comes with this time of year for me... my son has not had a seizure for 3.5 years now (since he passed), but my body is still getting ready for that scary time... I’m literally having to remind myself that we are safe, he is gone, everyone is healthy, everything is okay, everything is okay, everything is okay... everything is actually quite perfect... I can breathe... it’s okay... Seizure Season isn’t a real thing for my home anymore... I am excited for when my brain and body realize this as well and stop creating that anxiety that isn’t necessary any more...

The Last Box

Break-ups suck... let’s face it... especially when things end badly... which in our case with the Princess, it did... and after it ends badly with over two years of living together, it can sometimes take a while to locate all of the left over items... after thoroughly scouring, cleaning, and organizing my whole house, I finally collected the last few items...

There were just four... a blanket, a mask, a crystal, and some jumper cables... how interesting... so I collected these remaining items and stuck them in a box and wrote her name on it. I was really looking forward to off loading the final items and reminders of her existence... you see, it hurts to think about her... to think about her infiltrating our lives and my home with a lie... to know that I loved her enough to care about her health and well being only to see a pic on social media the other day showing that she never really cared about that either... it literally made me cry after my yoga this last Sunday... seeing her go back on all the work she did to honor a promise to her brother about her heart health... if that was even true... to remember how well she took care of my bratty little Goddess self... to remember the smile that she put on my Daddy’s face because his love for her was real... his little gypsy princess and social butterfly...

When I showed up to a safe space to give her the items, she startled me by being close to my car as I got out and a giggle burst out... in my head, I heard my ex say... “See! I told you so.” I had argued with him that her health had become too important to her for her to just let it go and that I hoped she stayed on track even though she left us. Shit! I had even offered her continuous accountability, regardless of what she had done to us... to him... she asked what and I said nothing and bye... deadpan look in the eyes and solidly present to that very moment... she took the things and wished me a good workout... I couldn’t help myself when I replied back that I hoped she had a good workout too, soon... totally a bitchy thing to say... but I was disappointed... and I’m okay with being a little bitchy now and then versus losing myself to an abundance of bitchiness later.

Thankfully, I turned and walked into my happy place and worked that shit out. I no longer have the reminders and have blocked a few people on a few things so that I don’t drive myself crazy with cyber stalking them... all I need to do now is stay in the present moment and this will become a closed chapter in a closed book regarding the different things that helped us overcome the loss of our son. As always, I am in gratitude for the lessons that life has thrown my way. I have learned to trust my heart and to be the strong and firm woman that I am... never back down... never surrender... love everyone, but only give my heart to the ones willing to meet my expectations.

Hitachi murder

I am so fucking upset at myself for breaking my favorite toy in a blind rage. I was just so disappointed and angry... and... and... argh... I’ll start at the beginning.

I had been chatting on and off with him for a little while this morning, in between private sessions... He asked if I liked to submit... and I answered with a yes... but that it was a bratty kind of submission... he laughed and took me into a private session... he asked about a few limits... we set up a safe word... then he had me take off my clothes and give him a detailed explanation on my history with submission in person... we were interacting via cam, but he was more interested in my lifestyle play, so I obliged. As I told him of my history of submission, from slave to brat princess, he had me start massaging my breasts hard. He asked me a question about what I have liked so far along my journey.

Then he had me smack my breasts... I stopped talking to smack them and he punished me for not continuing to talk... he never said I could stop talking, so I had to smack my breasts 10 times each... and something clicked within me... my brain realized that I was serving a Dom... it’s been a minute since I have played with a Dom... my hubby is a Daddy and my last ex was trying to let me be the dominant one per my request, so his domliness was shut down... I snapped into that lovely sub space where my brat quiets... I don’t like punishments...

He asked me about the last time I played in public and had me put my hands behind my head as I spoke. Going over the flogging I gave, he had me start rubbing my pussy hard. I dropped my other hand when I started to play with myself and got 10 titty smacks for not having my hand that was not in use behind my head... and that lil click happened again... and I apologized for dropping my hand...

Then, he had me place my hitachi in my panties, hands behind head, and had me put it on high... then gave me the command not to cum... and all hell broke loose... I couldn’t last for 10 fucking seconds! Tears burst out of my eyes... all of a sudden, I was crying and apologizing for failing... he laughed... teasing me “What, lil girl? You can cum on command, but you can’t control yourself to not cum?” And I told him that all of the men I had been with had always pushed for me to cum... not one ever wanted me to avoid that pleasure, so it was not a skill set I was familiar with... he thanked me for my honesty and my pussy got slapped 20 times for that failure... he had me put on 3 more pairs of panties and set a timer for 1 minute... I just had to not cum for that one minute. He kept telling me focus on how disappointed he would be if I came before the time and called me a bitch and a slut... and I made it the full minute! I was rewarded with an orgasm and I was feeling good...

Then he pushed it to 2 minutes... no orgasm for 2 minutes would mean that I was allowed to orgasm... but if I orgasmed before the time was up, then it would be 40 titty and pussy spankings... I told him that I wasn’t going to make it... he said that I could, just like the last time... so I agreed and started it. 30 seconds in, he yelled for me to stop... to put it right on my clit, and to tell him what I thought of the session so far... I said that I knew I would fail this time... my orgasms come more frequently once one has hit... he said to do it anyway... I made it a minute and 17 seconds before the orgasm ripped through my body at which point, I pull the hitachi out of my panties and slammed it into the ground hard as I roared at my failure. Then it made a cracking noise and a high pitched whine with no more vibration... I murdered my hitachi!!! Angry at myself and fiercely crying, he had me sit and calm down... he asked why I was so upset... I looked at him and said that I don’t like to fail and disappoint my dominant... I pride myself in perfection... he said that was obvious and stated that it must be nice to learn something new about yourself... he didn’t punish me... said that the lesson that I needed to learn was that my best is good enough...

Thank you universe... you find so many ways to teach me these fucking lessons.

Building Our Dreams

I sit in wonder at everything I have in my life. I have been reading this book called “The Slight Edge”  and it recommended writing your dreams down and then fleshing them out. As I wrote down my dreams, it was so cool to see all of the things I have already accomplished and all of the things we want next.

It is so nice to finally start seeing the silver lining in the pain of the past... without that pain, I would still be in an office job instead of being a stay at home mom with a cam job on the side, which I love! It helps me be naughty and kinky with other naughty kinky people and make money doing it! It’s also so much more flexible than having to go in to work and the biggest plus is that I don’t have to drive!! When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of being a stay at home mom, but that was derailed when my son got sick and my hubby was let go in the housing crash of ‘08. Now, I get to get my hubby ready for work, get the kiddos ready for school, and be the happy little housewife and mom I was meant to be.

I am pleasantly amused and surprised that all of the work, time, money, and emotional turmoil that went into maintaining a long con for another actually provided me with the tools and space to create whatever I wanted to. Who would have thought that all of that pain would release into the stuff of dreams...

And today, we found out that my hubby can work from home sometimes, so I am already getting to spend even more time with him. My heart is so happy!!! Now if only he would let me suck his dick while he works... teehee...

And even after reading this to him, he still didn’t whip it out!! He just looked at me over his computer monitor and told me he loved me... not the response this dirty lil whore wanted... maybe if I just go pull it out... teehee...

Read that too and now he’s giving me work to do... has to get this work done today, so doesn’t want any “unnecessary distractions”... I should probably stop before I get a spankin... or should I keep poking my PapaBear... what is a lil girl to do? Teehee...