To slave or not to slave

Writing has been in the back burner for a while... surprisingly had a new business opportunity fall into my lap that I had to jump on and it has taken so much of my effort, it is insane but I love it... on another note, my life is pretty simple and happy right now... the drama is at an all time low. The only thing is that I have been feeling so needy/clingy lately... wanting to hold onto my Daddy... wanting Him to take ownership again, but not knowing if I will be able to submit... now that I have re-established my trust in Him (only took me about a year after the Princess left our lives), maybe I could give myself to Him again. Maybe i could defer... submit... slave...

I really enjoyed belonging to Him and being His. I feel like He loved it when I only thought of Him... how to please Him, how to serve Him, how to become and create all that He wanted in me... all that I wanted from myself to be a good wife to Him and mother to my precious boys... when giving yourself to another, wholly like that, trust is so necessary... I now know that He truly loves me and would choose me first. What happened before will never happen again. Lessons learned... now, to Slave or not to Slave... that is the question... I feel like it would benefit me tremendously to place myself back under His care and for me to request punishment for fucking up in things... I need to grow... and force has always helped me grow... fear doesn’t work anymore as I am not afraid... proving others wrong doesn’t work anymore cuz I just don’t give a fuck enough about what others think... hmmmmm... am I ready to hurt so I can reach my goals? Lol

Interesting New Friend

I met a new friend today... but this wasn’t the first time I saw him... that was yesterday as I drove into work... he was pulling weeds maybe... out in front of his sister’s house... I remember because I waved and he stopped what he was doing and stared... I am kinda used to that, so I just kinda ignored it, but apparently it stands out in my brain... I wonder what the relevance of that moment is... anywho...

Today, like most Fridays, I took my youngest out to the bus. I was in a pair of my jammas, which consisted of a white tank top, striped soft pants, and no bra/panties. I have a friend who chats with me each morning as we wait for our kids to get on the bus together and today, she was walking towards me with the man I saw pulling weeds the other day. They were talking and smiling as they walked up and she introduced him as her brother. That immediately lowered my guard, cuz she is a dear friend of mine... he seemed quirky and interesting... he had an oil spot colored bike... he was funny... I just love making new friends!

After the kiddos get on the bus, her and I chat a bit as she was heading out of town, just like me... she headed home and I sat on the patio with my Relaxation Tea and my cannabis... medicating and relaxing so I could go to bed when my oldest left for school... working late nights has been a bitch on my sleep schedule! As I light up a bowl, I see her brother ride by on a bike... then, my dogs start barking and I see him at the end of my driveway, asking for a lighter, lol... so I go and give him a light and we chat. He was very blunt and forward, which I enjoyed and we had a wonderful time connecting on my patio... I wonder how this friendship will blossom... it feels like it is on purpose... and he left his shades, so I know I will see him again... but when?

Almost 4 years

At home... relaxing and trying to feel better... trying not to be sick... trying to get my anxious buzzing heart to settle down... the life and death high alert focus is no longer needed... they haven’t been needed for almost 4 years now... but I guess that is the point... right? It has only been 4 years... how long does it take to train one’s body and mind away from a learned pattern?

I continue to get hit hard this week by what life would be like if my special lil guy was still alive... where he would be... how much he would love school... what new skills would he have... but he’s dead... and he can’t come back... and no matter how hard I try to distract my mind, my body is here to remind me... have you ever tried pushing your emotions away until the point where the symptoms become psychosomatic and your body just shuts you down? This is my life... fighting against the shut down... holding my head up and treading this water as hard as I can...

With all of the amazing things in my life right now, this depression and anxiety is driving me a lil crazy... but if there is one thing I know, it is that this season is temporary... it fades away again after his death day passes... and for that I am grateful... it’s still 3 weeks away... and in the meantime, I need to focus on the basics... household chores, staying positive and happy, planting seeds in my career... just keep swimming...

Irish Gypsy Melody

Sooooo... I made a new friend... and she intrigues the fuck out of me... she is so close to everything we are looking for in our next parter... so very close... and I am just reveling in the closeness! This taste of perfection is like a breath of fresh air... and like a taste from a renewing spring that assures me that hope is always worth it. I am so thankful for the continued refinement of what I am looking for... as you cannot get what you want from the universe without first asking for it... I am really enjoying exploring my inner workings on this and the process of discovering a new song to play with... what have I learned about myself so far:

1. A sexy girl immediately inspires sadistic tendencies within me... I want to bite, to paddle, to flog, to beat, to wrap my hand in that beautiful hair and finger fuck the shit out of that delectable pussy until she cries out, and turns into a hot mess puddle on my bed...
2. The second thoughts that pop up are of sensual scratches, body rubs, nibbles, licks, kisses... and entanglement of limbs... and snuggles...
3. Trust is so important to me when it comes to relationships and play... I have to trust that we are on the same page as we communicate and that if something is off, that it will come up quickly. I have to trust that our friendship will weather life’s storms if it is meant to...
4. Domme/sub is the next level of my evolution in relationshipping... I am looking for that sub who I inspire to want to take care of me, who wants to pamper me, cook for me, clean for me... just out of love for me... who enjoys all the attention I can give and will do things for me without me having to say anything... that level of commitment is what I really want in my next relationship... but Topping is definitely my pickup play style right now or how I prefer to play with my friends with fun benefits, especially my brats!
5. I actually move pretty slowly when things are at my pace... which I am not used to... I am not the type to make the first move as I like my partner to be brave and free to explore at their pace...
6. I am so very connected to my PapaBear that I want for our next relationship partner to enjoy all of the things we both bring to the table... just as I want us to enjoy everything that he/she/they bring to the table.
7. I definitely enjoy friends with fun benefits, especially ones that make my brain think...

I think 7 is a good number of self discovery things when listening to a new melody...

20 Days Sober!!!!

I am so fucking proud of my lil bratface!!!!! We are at 20 days of freedom from alcohol!! And while she still dreams and wants for the alcohol, it seems that she prefers being my Slave versus being a slave to the bottle... I am especially proud of her for not cracking open a beer during Monday Night Football! This last week, we started working on lying and disrespectful behaviors... can’t have my friends reflecting badly on me... and she has been spending a lot of time with me, so behavioral adjustment is definitely needed... and we all know how I feel about lying... lol...

So with behavior and lying, she earned 45 punishment spankings... now I told her that I would only use my metal paddle bare ass for under 42 spankings... cuz it is just brutal... 10 for the chevron side and the other 32 with the flat side... so the first 3 were given with my foxy paddle over spandex shorts. Then, I switched to the metal paddle to administer her punishments... oh, how she fought... but so stubborn... would not use her safe words... and when she would go limp, I would wait a little bit to give her a lil break in that delicious sub space, but would then hard smack her out of it... a punishment is not meant for fun... although it is pretty fun for me... it wakes me up and makes me feel alive, knowing how much I am helping her with creating the life she is begging for... feeding my inner sadist and protector without the destruction she usually brings to the table... it feels so good to be in control of myself... through trying to help this human get her life under control...

After the punishment was administered, I told her she was such a good girl and her slate is wiped clean... then I started her maintenance spankings over her shorts with the foxy paddle... the safe word sentence had something to do with lying and how she didn’t want to anymore or how it was bad for her or something like that... and I just swung and swung until the words fell out of her mouth... and then I snuggled her until she called me mean and pulled away. I let her have her alone time and then we cuddled when she was ready. Aftercare is super important. I apologized for hitting her hip... no one’s perfect, but I am definitely way more clear on the wriggle factor and an errant swing. I feel like maintenance spankins are definitely needed for this level of bratface ☺️

Drinking is Bad for Me

Since the brat wanted to be better, we talked about a deeper focus. She really wanted to focus on adjusting her bratty attitude and becoming healthier, starting with the end of drinking alcohol. She asked if I could help her with accountability on these two areas... I had to stop and ask what was in it for me... don’t get me wrong, I love to beat an ass... but I have so many people that ask for that service, I need to set up some kind of exchange or I will run out of energy, lol... she asked what I wanted and I said that I could really use a maid... I hate cooking and cleaning and am trying to find people to take over those things for me. She said sure and I told her we would start with the dishes.

I asked how her butt was doing and she said it was very bruised. I asked for a pic in her swimsuit as she was going to be in it that weekend. She sent me a bare ass pic of her bruised butt and it was so colorful. I had never turned an ass that color before, but I had seen the fet pictures and wondered how it happened... well... now I knew... and I wanted to do it again.

I set for her to come over at 7pm on Saturday, to have time to relax and get the dishes done. We then discussed the issue she was having with drinking. She was able to not drink on Thursday after we talked about it. She said that she had a birthday party for her dad at a water park and drinking was going to be apart of it. I told her that she was going to receive a spanking for every swallow of alcohol she took, so she better count them out. She disregarded my request but told on herself as she drank alcohol and ate unhealthy foods. Awareness is the first step to change, so I was proud of the awareness... by the end of the day, she had 4 drinks and we estimated that at 20 swallows per drink, she was to receive 80 spankins.

When she got to the house, she was kinda sniffly... she had been crying a lil bit off and on... dealing with her emotional baggage, traumatic past, and personal believed shortcomings... we watched a funny movie that didn’t catch her interest, so I told her to get started on the dishes. She got up and wandered into my room and started watching cartoons. Then came out a little later and turned on some music and washed the dishes. When the dishes were done and the kiddos were in bed,  it was time to administer her punishment. I walked into the room and started grabbing my paddles...I thought about her bruised ass and her request to have bare skin spankins, so I grabbed my rosewood paddles with the holes... I wanted to see the design I could create on this lovely bottom. I started test tapping them on my leg. I haven’t swung these ones hard, so it seemed like a good tool to use because of the number of spankings needed. I could hear PapaBear teasing her in the living room. I stepped to the door and told her to come in.

We talked about the drinking and how it was bad for her. She could die if her daily meds are mixed with alcohol. She wasn’t being a good role model for others in her life. She would be even unhealthier and gain unwanted pounds... now to add to that list, drinking came with paddles. Because she squirmed off the bed last time, I had her get all the way on it and paddled her from a pinned position. This time, the key phrase to make the spanking stop was “Drinking is bad for me!”... or of course the normal red. I started paddling and got the first 20 out over clothes... I noticed that I don’t swing these paddles anywhere near as hard because they are special to me. So I decided to pull her pants down and paddle her bare ass. That made her squirm and the stubborn began. She did not want to admit that drinking was bad for her, but by spanking 80, she was ready to say it.  She only slid down off the bed once, but PapaBear helped me get her back up. She tried pushing her butt against PapaBear to stop the spankins from landing, but I’m a strong fox and I flipped that lil brat over and gave her every single one.

When the spankins were over, I cuddled her again and told her she was right! Drinking was so bad for her. Then I massaged out the tight hard spot on her left cheek. The right side was even harder and more tight from the punishment, probably because of the angle and direction of swing. After a bit of cuddling and poking, we went outside and had a smoke. Then back inside to the couch where she was finally able to release some real tears. I love seeing a brat cry... it usually means real change is on the way. I am so glad for this new friendship and that I can help her correct her behaviors. I never knew that I would like being the sadist so much without the sexual component, but it is refreshing for me! The power of all of this is rather intoxicating in its own way... I may have finally found my lil kinky nitch...

Where did this brat come from?!

A friend of a friend surprised the shit out of me with a Facebook Messenger message... we had met a handful of times, so when she sent me the text asking if I would really give her spankins if she flakes on me... my sadist senses got all excited...  she said she didn’t believe that I would actually ever spank her... and when I told her that I definitely do spank people who consent with enthusiasm, she said I didn’t have the balls... oh poor lil brat... just coming up to me all brave and full of vinegar... so amusing. I told her to show and I would bring some of my paddles for her to see.

The next day, she showed up and talked with me for hours. We spent time getting to know each other. Swapping stories of life... then, I found an opening to show her the wooden and metal paddles that I have... just 2 of them, not all of them... she looked at them and touched them... said fuck no to the metal one, but seemed totally interested in the wooden one with my name on it. I didn’t feel comfortable using my toys on her in that space... this vanilla brat who had played a little with spankings when it came to her ex boyfriend...

When I got home, she had sent texts asking why she hadn’t been spanked, begging for a paddling, yelling at me to beat her ass. This was the enthusiastic consent I was looking for. I invited her to my home, after the kiddos went to bed, to teach her a lesson. You see, when we talked the day before, she told me about how she felt like a loser. That she was a loser. That she amounted to nothing and was worthless... so I beat her for being a loser. I spanked her until she cried out that she wanted to be better... that was her safeword... that or red... lol... I spanked and spanked and spanked her with that paddle for calling my new friend (herself) a loser. I made her call out for better... and then snuggled the shit out of her after...

She looked up at me after I parted her hair to show me her eyes and said she knew I was the one she needed. I was the one that could help... because I hurt her and did not give up on her when she cried or asked for it to stop. Because I made her proclaim her want for better to end the pain... but mostly because I sat with her after and made sure she felt safe and strong and free and loved before I sent her on her way... and the bruises... well those painful reminders for her were beautiful pieces of art for me.