Dissolution or The Glorious Quiet

It’s so quiet in my head that I can finally hear my own thoughts without all the extra interference... I didn’t know it could be this quiet... I mean I thought I knew... before integration started... before all the doors where opened... but that was years ago and I think there was always an edge in those thoughts in those days...

But now... now it’s so silent... I can go without a single thought for good chunks of time... fuck thinking... so much of my time was lost to overthinking and thinking and 4-7 different people using the same mental machine at times for more thinking... but now it’s me... and I know it because I’ve looked... I have listened... I have asked my questions and waited for their input... in meditation, I have weirdly walked around the gathering room at the table in my mind and they are nowhere to be found... it’s just me... all alone in a huge room with a bunch of empty chairs...

And it is so glorious. I am exploring my world and have found that my life is pretty fucking amazing... somehow, I was able to weather the loss of a son and inspire others to be themselves... somehow, I was able to make all my dreams come true when it comes to owning a home, supporting my family, and having a job I love and a hobby I can eventually retire on... somehow, while trapped within the grief and depression in my own mind, my foxy friends jumped out and protected me and created my beautiful life... and I am so fucking grateful while also noting some things that have to change to fit me, now that my eyes are open again...

It took a shit ton of personal work and a bunch of herbs to resolve/dissolve all the little lives I somehow built within to function through my traumas... and those little lives were so vast and managed so many things... But now, it’s just me... and while I am vast like an ocean, I prefer the solitude within my lighthouse... I prefer to direct and guide than being out in the fray... to build a life, you must be out in the fray... to maintain a life is so much less arduous, lol... I still have a little building left to do... I’m not all the way out of the fray, not completely... but I know I’m getting close.

The block

 I haven’t been able to write... I have had experiences, oh man, have I... but I just haven’t been able to write the experiences down... I haven’t wanted to... I am not sure why I just started again now, lol... but it feels good to stretch this muscle... it feels good to type out my thoughts again... my soul has been missing it without me knowing... 

I am really interested to see where I go and what I share. I have shifted yet again and have released some things that has allowed me to release the block... hello again ❤️🦊

Writing

The need to write is in my bones!! I’ve been feeling it pretty hardcore lately, but I just don’t know what to write or what I want to share... so here I am... working this muscle again... sometimes, it starts out so small... but then, a rolling stone will always gather the moss... let’s see where this goes and what my crazy butt decides to share this time...

To slave or not to slave

Writing has been in the back burner for a while... surprisingly had a new business opportunity fall into my lap that I had to jump on and it has taken so much of my effort, it is insane but I love it... on another note, my life is pretty simple and happy right now... the drama is at an all time low. The only thing is that I have been feeling so needy/clingy lately... wanting to hold onto my Daddy... wanting Him to take ownership again, but not knowing if I will be able to submit... now that I have re-established my trust in Him (only took me about a year after the Princess left our lives), maybe I could give myself to Him again. Maybe i could defer... submit... slave...

I really enjoyed belonging to Him and being His. I feel like He loved it when I only thought of Him... how to please Him, how to serve Him, how to become and create all that He wanted in me... all that I wanted from myself to be a good wife to Him and mother to my precious boys... when giving yourself to another, wholly like that, trust is so necessary... I now know that He truly loves me and would choose me first. What happened before will never happen again. Lessons learned... now, to Slave or not to Slave... that is the question... I feel like it would benefit me tremendously to place myself back under His care and for me to request punishment for fucking up in things... I need to grow... and force has always helped me grow... fear doesn’t work anymore as I am not afraid... proving others wrong doesn’t work anymore cuz I just don’t give a fuck enough about what others think... hmmmmm... am I ready to hurt so I can reach my goals? Lol

Interesting New Friend

I met a new friend today... but this wasn’t the first time I saw him... that was yesterday as I drove into work... he was pulling weeds maybe... out in front of his sister’s house... I remember because I waved and he stopped what he was doing and stared... I am kinda used to that, so I just kinda ignored it, but apparently it stands out in my brain... I wonder what the relevance of that moment is... anywho...

Today, like most Fridays, I took my youngest out to the bus. I was in a pair of my jammas, which consisted of a white tank top, striped soft pants, and no bra/panties. I have a friend who chats with me each morning as we wait for our kids to get on the bus together and today, she was walking towards me with the man I saw pulling weeds the other day. They were talking and smiling as they walked up and she introduced him as her brother. That immediately lowered my guard, cuz she is a dear friend of mine... he seemed quirky and interesting... he had an oil spot colored bike... he was funny... I just love making new friends!

After the kiddos get on the bus, her and I chat a bit as she was heading out of town, just like me... she headed home and I sat on the patio with my Relaxation Tea and my cannabis... medicating and relaxing so I could go to bed when my oldest left for school... working late nights has been a bitch on my sleep schedule! As I light up a bowl, I see her brother ride by on a bike... then, my dogs start barking and I see him at the end of my driveway, asking for a lighter, lol... so I go and give him a light and we chat. He was very blunt and forward, which I enjoyed and we had a wonderful time connecting on my patio... I wonder how this friendship will blossom... it feels like it is on purpose... and he left his shades, so I know I will see him again... but when?

Almost 4 years

At home... relaxing and trying to feel better... trying not to be sick... trying to get my anxious buzzing heart to settle down... the life and death high alert focus is no longer needed... they haven’t been needed for almost 4 years now... but I guess that is the point... right? It has only been 4 years... how long does it take to train one’s body and mind away from a learned pattern?

I continue to get hit hard this week by what life would be like if my special lil guy was still alive... where he would be... how much he would love school... what new skills would he have... but he’s dead... and he can’t come back... and no matter how hard I try to distract my mind, my body is here to remind me... have you ever tried pushing your emotions away until the point where the symptoms become psychosomatic and your body just shuts you down? This is my life... fighting against the shut down... holding my head up and treading this water as hard as I can...

With all of the amazing things in my life right now, this depression and anxiety is driving me a lil crazy... but if there is one thing I know, it is that this season is temporary... it fades away again after his death day passes... and for that I am grateful... it’s still 3 weeks away... and in the meantime, I need to focus on the basics... household chores, staying positive and happy, planting seeds in my career... just keep swimming...

Irish Gypsy Melody

Sooooo... I made a new friend... and she intrigues the fuck out of me... she is so close to everything we are looking for in our next parter... so very close... and I am just reveling in the closeness! This taste of perfection is like a breath of fresh air... and like a taste from a renewing spring that assures me that hope is always worth it. I am so thankful for the continued refinement of what I am looking for... as you cannot get what you want from the universe without first asking for it... I am really enjoying exploring my inner workings on this and the process of discovering a new song to play with... what have I learned about myself so far:

1. A sexy girl immediately inspires sadistic tendencies within me... I want to bite, to paddle, to flog, to beat, to wrap my hand in that beautiful hair and finger fuck the shit out of that delectable pussy until she cries out, and turns into a hot mess puddle on my bed...
2. The second thoughts that pop up are of sensual scratches, body rubs, nibbles, licks, kisses... and entanglement of limbs... and snuggles...
3. Trust is so important to me when it comes to relationships and play... I have to trust that we are on the same page as we communicate and that if something is off, that it will come up quickly. I have to trust that our friendship will weather life’s storms if it is meant to...
4. Domme/sub is the next level of my evolution in relationshipping... I am looking for that sub who I inspire to want to take care of me, who wants to pamper me, cook for me, clean for me... just out of love for me... who enjoys all the attention I can give and will do things for me without me having to say anything... that level of commitment is what I really want in my next relationship... but Topping is definitely my pickup play style right now or how I prefer to play with my friends with fun benefits, especially my brats!
5. I actually move pretty slowly when things are at my pace... which I am not used to... I am not the type to make the first move as I like my partner to be brave and free to explore at their pace...
6. I am so very connected to my PapaBear that I want for our next relationship partner to enjoy all of the things we both bring to the table... just as I want us to enjoy everything that he/she/they bring to the table.
7. I definitely enjoy friends with fun benefits, especially ones that make my brain think...

I think 7 is a good number of self discovery things when listening to a new melody...