Shifting to a slave

Losing my mind again... too many things happening inside my brain at once and the migraines have been unbearable. Thank goodness for weed and medication to help get it under control. I feel myself changing again... shifting... my mind is open to change... and in the current capacity of being 5 full personalities, my brain is ripping apart, so if it doesn’t solve soon, I don’t know how long I’ll be functioning… 

Daphne was the first one to walk out the door... she declared that we are safe in the current life situation. She promised that she would be listening like always, but is confident that we are well supported and well loved. As my protector, it is lovely to have her blessing on my current lifestyle and selections around the people in my life.

Jenny quickly followed as my little side feels most comfortable with Daphne… she doesn’t talk, but she just kinda curtsied and walked through the door as well… it looked like she ran to catch up and they joined hands before the door closed…

Then there were 3… Foxy, Jennifer, and me… now, me… I can’t leave… I’m always here… core personality that keeps the lights on and the breath happening type of thing… and Foxy and Jennifer can’t coexist…Foxy is sunshine personified with a high level of promiscuity and disregard for the rules and Jennifer is chill with a somber mood that only has eyes for PapaBear and follows rules to the letter…

We chatted with PapaBear about it and he really misses his slave… like really misses her… and while foxy is fun, she is no one’s slave, so she walked out the door as well. 

So here we are… Jennifer and me… and the contract that we wrote in 2015… implementation of that has begun and I got a spanking this morning with a holed paddle for not communicating with him when I was supposed to… 

The punishment today was different than I remember… he never seemed interested in punishments before, just kinda doled them out… but over the years, he has gained an interest in providing the teaching moment… the lecturing was more focused… his attention just felt different… and then the paddle swung….

Crack!!!!

The pain, boy howdy, the pain was intense and I screamed and jumped away. Then I heard his voice and I rolled back to him crying and shaking in his arms as he soothed me. I could feel his hands caressing the skin around where the paddle hit… He was so gentle and when I asked if he was going to play with the marks, he said he wouldn’t cuz he knows it’s painful. Moments before, he said he has been itching to play with a paddled butt due to the paddling he gives to one of our platonic friends, so I asked him to please play with the marks. It actually helped to make it feel better…

Then he kissed and licked my marks and told me to move to the other side of the bed. He then started to use his slave’s pussy and ass. I couldn’t take his cock in my ass all the way, it’s so big, but I did my best. As he pumped my pussy with his cock, I felt myself getting wet… then he said my trigger word and I orgasmed all over his cock. So juicy and slippery… next, he moved me into a split legged position that buries his cock as deep as it can get, which is a bit much for me, but my Master gives me everything I deserve… he then flattened me out and went flat doggy style until he exploded… satisfied and spent, I left him on the bed as I hopped into the shower to clean his dirty girl.

1 Chance

 After ending the dynamic, he asked for another chance... and honestly, I really had to think on it. He hadn't hit any hard limits, but I am also looking for a submissive that naturally serves me and wants to take care of me... not just another boy friend putting in low key effort that gets to play with me... 

When I asked him why a dynamic instead of a friendship, he said it was because he wanted the closest connection possible and that he had just lost his focus and would like another chance... so I decided on 1 more chance... now without any points or rewards... still with activities to do and lists of things I like and don't like, lol... and the effort has definitely improved. I've only had to beat him once for bratty behavior... 

I'm really enjoying having things be about me... what I like, what I want, what intrigues me... I'm learning to use my voice and he is already used to my looks... I feel like, with one look, I can cease a behavior and cause him to get the silliest look on his face and with another look, I can melt him in my mouth, I mean my hands, lol. I am also enjoying the pampering... oh the pampering... I've always been the one that takes care of everyone else... it feels so good to be taken care of.

Pre - 90 Day Review

I am a little late on my 90 day review of the sub I have been reviewing... to be fair, migraines have kind of fucked me up... and there was also a minimal break period during the consideration period as well due a disconnect in expectations and attention to detail... but it's really just a structure of my design so it really only matters to me that I am a little behind on my timelines, lol... I digress...

The implementation of the new layer of activities and rewards, shifted things a little. Princess was racking up the points and hitting all of the self care points that were available. I had built in new points around walking the dog and cleaning up the house and he was smashing those out of the park. I don't have a lot of things I require, so I placed points around massaging me as well. 

Only one big annoyance for me happened with the door to his vehicle... this is gonna sound silly, but small things matter... and if I am going to be the Domme, then I really want to be heard and for my wishes to be followed... I think it is cute when someone gets the door for me if it is in the natural flow of their life and sometimes, even when someone goes out of their way to get the door for me... but if I get to my door and have to wait for you to unlock the door or for you to get to the door to open it for me, then who is really in control of the situation? Not me... and I shared this sentiment a couple of different ways and then very plainly got frustrated by it and laid it out, to which the response was that he just wouldn't get the door anymore, then lost focus on me for the rest of the evening...  I am used to this "shut down" technique and am not fond of it. I just want to be heard and to have things adjust to what I am asking for... It was around this same time that Princess asked how I could be more satisfied with our dynamic, and I totally lost my shit, lol...

I was so pissed about being asked how I could feel more satisfied... For one, I had a set day for review at the 90 day mark... I feel like everything with me is a test and I am always "collecting data" for my social experiment... so to ask me for that type of assessment almost a month early felt like another way he was controlling the situation, which didn't look great due to the car door situation... Secondly, I had provided a list of things that could be done to bring me satisfaction... it wasn't a big list, but it was there... 

So, taking a look at the data early, I determined that the dynamic should end. Princess lost focus on me and focused instead on earning all the points... lol... this created an interesting dynamic as the activities on the list that were more focused on me had lower point volumes, so by choosing to get the higher point activities, Princess was failing the test... What I want is more important than what you can get... I still wanted to be friends and still wanted to play from time to time as he is a solid cum dispenser, but not a full D/s dynamic. I ended up leaving early that day, to give him time to process... thankfully, I had gotten a tummy full of cum from using him before we had the conversations. 

Consideration Review Tomorrow

Ahhhh!! I’m fucking stoked! My new sub has been doing great during our 30 days of consideration. We’ve had 3 punishments and 3 reward days and all have been so fun for me. Today ends that period and I am soo happy to ask that he be mine. He has already provided me with his consent… yay!!  

Tomorrow will be the actual review… so one may ask, what’s on the agenda?

First, there will be rope.

Then, my laptop will come out so we can update the questionnaire, review the current tasks, potentially add additional tasks, review the point structure on the rewards, and add more rewards to earn.

He will be ready with 7 new rewards suggestions, to discuss tasks and any changes he would like to see, and to review the points set on the current 10 rewards and his thoughts on those rewards so far.

He said his consideration of me ended before we even played together, which I find amusing. I recommend that both Doms and subs take a new play partner under consideration for at least 30 days to make sure your play styles match. I also have a 90 day opt out scheduled… After that, I won’t ask again… 

Smile - Migraine Poetry

Smile… 
even when it hurts… 
even when it’s dark… 
even when you want to gouge your eyes out so your brain will stop hurting as the light seeps in… 
Smile… 
the hurt will go… 
the dark will illuminate… 
leave your eyes so when the pain stops you can see… 

Smile.

1st Reward for Princess

My new princess has been so pleasing to me. He follows instruction well, has been racking up the reward points and has not picked up any new punishments outside of doing 5 minutes of HIIT work. I enjoyed receiving his video doing the 5 different workouts for me. He has been earning the reward points everyday and it came time to cash them in.

He told me that he was wanting to spend 70 points, and I knew that he wanted a pegging since he has been talking about it since our first punishment/reward day where he didn't quite have the points for it, so he decided to save his points for the next opportunity. Based on the list of rewards and points, that means that he was wanting a pegging and a flogging session. I looked in his cupboard of toys and pulled out his flogger and then reviewed the dildos on the counter and selected one. I also got the lube and adjusted my harness.

I had him leave on his lace panties for the flogging. The music was already on and the beat was perfect for a session. 3 or 4 songs, lost in swinging and changing his milky white skin to a light shade of strawberry and then a slightly brighter shade of pink. As I ran my nails along his skin, the white shone through briefly before the pink took back over... beautiful... I reached around and felt his cock, stiff under the lace. I caressed and felt it move beneath my fingertips, making my mouth water. 

I had him flip over while I moved between his legs and pushed his feet high into the air so I could take a look at his asshole and figure out the proper angle for the position I wanted to fuck him in… which was on his back like a little slut, legs spread and calves on my shoulders, ass exposed and cock available for sucking. I pulled off the lace panties and grabbed the squeeze bottle of lube, then dropped a dollop onto the head of the toy before having him pull his legs back and guiding it to the opening of his pink ass.

As the tip slid between his cheeks, he let out a small groan and a sigh… His cock was so hard while I slowly moved my hips, sliding in and out of his ass, I just had to touch it for it to leak. I rubbed some precum off the head and place my fingers on my tongue, tasting the sweetest part of him… delicious. Then I started to thrust and buck my hips into him, watching as my cock was eaten by his ass while his cock grew harder… I just had to suck it.

I popped the dildo out of the harness and started to fuck his ass with my mouth on his dick, sucking softly as I moved the cock in and out. His whole body quivered as the moans slipped out, moaning like a dirty whore. I started making mmhmm noises so he could cum down my throat. He released his load and I drank and drank, swallowing every drop. After the cum stopped flowing, I continued to suck on and tease the head of his overly sensitive cock until he giggled like a lil slut.

I slid the dildo out of his ass and rinsed it in the sink. I left it there for him to clean and put away. I placed the flogger back in the cabinet and the lube back in the drawer. Then I climbed onto the bed and cuddled and kissed him.

DID fun with Daddy

So one thing I don't type about a lot is my DID, or Dissociative Identity Disorder... it developed as a way to "save" me from the traumatizing childhood I had. Don't all the best super heroes have some kind of trauma or tragic back story? Well, that's me... all the things... so anyway, I have been trying some new things to be more present in my life. When one of my alters take over, I lose time, which I really don't like... For a while, I was working on integration through feeling my emotions and suppressing my urge to escape different scenarios and what I found is that my anxiety and depression started to get out of control... nothing seemed to be working as a viable solution for me to stay present, actively, every day.

In the last few weeks, my meditation has brought me to a space where I can really just allow my alters to share space... and when an experience is happening that one or some of my alters don't want to be apart of, we have a kind of back room in my mind that we can escape to... then, when the experience is over, the ones that stayed come to the door of the back room and open it to let us know it is safe and to share the experience so that no one is losing time... Everyone in my head was losing time from their lives... as weird as that sounds, our lives have become more cohesive and a lot more interesting.

One of the times that this happens the most is during playtime with Daddy... Sometimes, PapaBear likes to play hard and I was losing time during those heavier play time moments. With our new system, I can go to the other room and hang while he plays with my alters that really enjoy those times without the pain of the experience and then when it is over, and the back door opens, the memory of the experience flows into us and the after effects are felt by all. This is an awful lot of set up so that the stories I share moving forward make sense... We are Daphne, Jennifer, Foxy, Jenny, Jordan, and I/me.

The Slut, the Sadist, and the Slave

Making out with him is my favorite. He almost always lowers my guard with his soft sexy lips and the way his hands pet and caress my body... but cuddling always turns into more and he is such a slut. He always wants to fuck and when that fuckmonster comes out, the pounding that we take can be a little more than I can handle... so it caught me by surprise when he got close to my ear and said that he wanted to play with his slave... We looked at him and asked for clarification and he reiterated that he wanted to fuck his slave good... so I walked into the backroom, as did Jenny and Foxy who also don't like pain. Jordan mostly lives in the back room now... they are kinda done with society at the moment... so we all sat and chatted about the new flow. 

On the other side of the door....

Jennifer: Hi Master
Daddy: MMMMM, there's my little slave
Daphne: I'm here too fucker
Daddy: Hey Daphne
Daphne: Hahahahahaha
Daddy: Shut up Bitch, I wanna play with my slave...
Daphne: Hahahaha, sure Daddy.... hahahahaha
Jennifer: Thank you Master.
Daddy: Shhhhh, lil slave... grab your knees like a good girl so I can fuck you hard
Jennifer: Yes Master

PapaBear folded us in half as he started to grind his hips down hard, slamming us into the bed. His teeth found our cheek and he bit down, causing us to swoon. Mmmmm, lost in the feeling of his cock sliding in and hitting our cervix, pain and throbbing caused us to open up further, taking anything he wanted to give. 

Daphne: That's right Daddy, fuck that little fucking slut. Look at her, opening up for you and taking your big hard cock so deep. That's right slave, open up and take it like the good little slut you are.
Daddy: Yes, that's right. I'm gonna fuck my little whore.
Daphne: She's not even a whore, Daddy. She's a fucking slut for you... nasty little slut who would do anything you asked. Look at her...
Jennifer: Mmmhmm Master. Give it to me... I want you to fuck me so deep! Thank you for fucking me so deep Master. I belong to you.
Daphne: See!! little fucking slut
Daddy: Yes, my little slut... Do you want Master to fill you up?
Jennifer: Yes Master! Please fill me up! Please give me all your cum!
Daphne: fill that fucking slutty pussy with your cum. Turn this little slut into a creampuff Daddy! C'mon.

PapaBear thrusts a few more times and dumps his load into our pussy and then gets a paper towel so we can clean up. As we lay there, Daphne opens the door to the backroom.