Poly family date night 1/8

All 3 of our metamours came over for dinner. Before dinner, Sweetheart came over and helped me clean... This was probably the hardest thing ever because i was tasked with cleaning the bedroom, in case the party moved that direction, as it usually does...

The shelf on my side of the bed was stacked full of my son's things. These are wonderful trinkets and tokens of his life with us. Some of his toys, his favorite jacket, his normal hospital diaper bag, his ashes, and all of the cards and guest book stuff from his memorial service shoved into that untidy little corner. If i cleaned the room, then i would earn my rainbow socks. Daddy has not really been able to handle looking at his things and i don't blame Him... i was dreading it all week and finally got it done at the last minute. Puppy and Dragon gave me a box to store his items in... It was the perfect size...

As i picked up each piece, my heart clung to memories of him and my eyes poured tears. It was really fucking hard... i mostly got it done before Sweetheart got there, just closing the box as she came in. She looked at me holding the box and i hoped she didn't see or mind the sadness... Instead, she asked if we should label it. i told her not to worry as i knew what was in that box. Then i had her make the bed as i went to put it away. i came back in to help and saw that i had missed 2 teething rings that somehow snuck halfway under the bed. i quickly grabbed them and rushed to the box to put them away, choking back more tears.

Then, i cooked as she vacuumed and it was suddenly wonderful to have another person in the house doing chores with me. i am so used to doing them on my own... Daddy will help out, from time to time, but having another non-dominant helping is just different... i wasn't really focused on making sure she was okay, because she is used to doing tasks and taking care of others as well and she offered, lol.

Then, Sire and Twinsie arrived, looking absolutely adorable. We chatted as i finished cooking. Daddy messaged in that He was on His way home and was driving next to a cop. The cop ended up pulling Him over for texting and thankfully, we had been using a walkie-talkie app, so He didn't get a ticket! Daddy said to eat without Him, so we did and everyone loved it.

Then Daddy got there and everyone got cozy on the couch. It was really eye opening to see our kids interacting with our other partners. They accepted and loved everyone right away and didn't seem to mind if we were holding hands or kissing each other lightly. We all just interacted naturally and non sexually and everything was amazing, just like Daddy and i around the kids... Not vanilla... Just us...

After the boys went to bed, it moved quickly into the bedroom. My clothes removed themselves from my body, lol... And then blow jobs and passionate kisses all around.  As we started to play, the energy felt off and we looked to Twinsie as she started to leave the room. As a poly unit, it is very important to me that we all love and protect each other and that our communication is open, supportive, and absolutely non-judgmental. So we got dressed and i headed out to see her.

We hugged for a really long time... And i needed that after the chores i had today and i think she needed it too. We talked and then Sweetheart came out and joined in. We had a girls talk about protecting each other and i learned a little about hierarchies and levels of power within a bigger dynamic. Sire and Daddy popped out to check on us and then went back in to chat. We had this wonderful idea about spinning and spankings...

Then we went back in and got cozy on the couch again. Sire brought His A-game and i felt like a multi-tasking princess. Hearing lovely words with a part of my mind, listening for kids getting up for potty breaks, and ensuring that my Daddy wanted for nothing. Daddy couldn't remember something in the story He was telling, so i helped... Then Sire needed me to take care of him, so i asked and Daddy had me take care of His guest.

At this time, we moved to the room and shut the door and then it was just us. My Daddy was in the hands of two very lovely and capable women and He trusted Sire enough to give us permission to fuck and the kids would not be able to interrupt... So i let it all drop and enjoyed the gift of freedom my Daddy had given me... A reward to go with the rainbow socks i earned when i cleaned the room and suffered through heartache...

And it was a great reward. We had fun and we chatted and we fucked. He helped me overcome my disdain and disgust for oral as i came with his permission, hearing my Daddy echoed in his voice because this was Daddy's gift time to me. And then Twinsie came in and i celebrated the accomplishment with her! She said she could hardly wait until she ate me again, and i suddenly felt the need to eat her pussy, so i offered. She declined as she wanted to give us our time. Suddenly, the other two came in and the energy felt off again. This time, Daddy quickly followed Twinsie out for a smoke. We got dressed and headed outside.

As we chatted outside, it got later and darker and it was time for them to head home. Figuring out the flow in a poly family is hard, but i feel like it is worth it. Sweetheart stayed the night and i enjoyed having her eat my pussy as Daddy fucked her. She had requested this previously and we obliged. It was so fun!

Omg, it has been 9 days

This last week, i experienced so many things... It is going to take a bit to write out everything, but i want to get it down because there is a time in my life where i didn't come in here and write and it did more harm than good, now that i look back at it... Hindsight is 20/20...

My Depression...

Sometimes, i sit and just cry...
Sometimes i cry on the outside...
Sometimes i cry on the inside...
But mostly, i just cry...

My heart is so saddened by the loss of my son. i keep getting worse everyday... i can keep my shit straight, but my house is still a disaster, my diet is still shitty, i am still missing workdays, and i am constantly distracting myself from doing the things i need to get done... Sigh...

i need to refocus on myself and my happiness again. i need to clean my home. i need to eat right and exercise. i need to go to work, rain or shine, sick or in health. i need to put my fucking phone down and actually get stuff done... Sigh... Now if i could stop being sick...

Masturbation fantasy...

Sick at home today... Just dropped my youngest off at day care and my oldest went to school. Normally, my middle son would be home today and so would Daddy, but not anymore. So i am alone and horny as all get out... Being sick doesn't stop my nymphomania, lol...

So what do i do?

i used to imagine fantasies of being dominated and of other men and of other women... Now, i read through my own fucking blog! i let my own words remind me of the amazing times i have had and it becomes real for me again. As i read those words, i allow myself to be transported to the nowness within them... And i feel and remember it as if it were happening then...

i am now my own masturbation fantasy... My real life... How fucking awesome is that?! i love my blog!! i am free!!

Poem #5 from Sire

The un-poem---

Knowing you are loved is amazing...

But.... hearing those three precious words for the first time....

...can be no less impacting than a volcanic eruption....

On a cool desert night, with our primaries close by....

we see them kissing hungrily, hear them laughing hardily...

their energy, tangible...

our embrace, more tender...sweet whispers are our language...

Then under the stars of this magical night, she whispers not three, but six powerful words...

"I madly and desperately love you."

And for that moment, I am undone...my countenance goes slack in her arms...and all I can manage to utter in return is...."perfect....perfect."

Though she may say it ten thousand more times, I will always hear it through the filter of this first time.

I love you too my sweet...madly and desperately....

love Sire.

His loss, our benefit

When plans fell through for Sire and Twinsie yesterday, we decided to invite them over to hang out. We had Adele 25 recorded and knew that Sire would enjoy that and figured we could all have dinner together and get to know each other more. We have been playing pretty consistently with each other, so it is time to let everything happen organically.

We decided on Chinese food and Sire got so excited when we started the Adele 25 recording. Our boys were running around and interacting with us and playing. My youngest is a hugger and hugged them a bunch of times. After the concert, which was amazing to watch, with the 4 of us kind of laying all over each other on the couch, just relaxed, we watched another show. We talked, we stared, we shared quick brief kisses when the kids weren't around.

Then it was 8:00 and the boys went to bed. After they went to bed, we showed Sire and Twinsie our room. Daddy got out His new electric toy and started playing with Twinsie. She shocked me a couple of times due to contact, lol...

Sire and i cuddled and talked. i gave him a few blow jobs. We were watching our loves have fun playing with each other. Listening to their laughter was like hearing happiness... My heart suddenly felt so light... It has been so heavy since i lost my son. It has been so hard to open back up. Daddy and Twinsie started to have sex with a condom on and the condom was just too desensitizing. After 3 attempts, the condoms just weren't working.

So we all had a discussion. We had all just been tested and cleared. We have all been very safe with any play and haven't actually been playing sexually with others. So we decided to become fluid bonded to each other. Twinsie and i gave Daddy a double blow job as Sire fingered my ass. Then, Twinsie climbed on top of Daddy and rode Him. He smiled so big and started man-handling her and she looked so happy.

Sire and i watched them as i gave him a blow job. Then when Daddy picked her up and put her on her back and climbed on top to pound her, i couldn't take it anymore. i had requested no sex because i was on my period and i personally think it is gross... But Sire had said that he didn't mind as long as we had a towel and stuff to clean up with.

After watching Daddy pick her up and lay her down, i was too fucking horny and i asked Daddy if i could fuck Sire. He said yes and soon, Sire was on top of me, fucking me without a condom. My first fluid-bonded partner since my husband. Originally, i have always used condoms with other partners.

We went out for a smoke and then came back in and cuddled our good-byes on the couch. Twinsie and Daddy were all about it. Sire and i cuddled and talked and watched them and kissed. We walked them out to their truck and as Daddy walked to put Twinsie in her seat, Sire and i talked.

Sire and i spoke of Daddy's happiness and Twinsie's happiness. We spoke of the energy between us and the connection that is growing rapidly. He said he loved me... And i whispered back that madly and desperately, i love him too... He whispered the word perfect to me several times before i buckled him in... And then they drove away as Daddy swept me up into His arms and carried me back to the door. In the house, i looked at Daddy's smile and just started spinning on my heels in the kitchen.

i deserve to love and to be loved and i have finally found another person that understands me and wants to get to know me for me. They came over expecting a Vanilla hang out night with the kiddos and then to head home. They came over with love in their hearts... Not sex or play... i deserve to have those types of people in my life... The ones who love me without expectation... Yah, i like to play and i like to have sex, but there is much more to me than that.

i love my Daddy.
i love my Sire.
i love my Twinsie.
i love my Sweetheart.
i love my lil fox.

i am so happy that i am no longer denying myself love... i am not sure why i thought that denying a piece of myself would help me... i might just be crazy... But at least i am now a happy crazy... Lol...

New Year's Eve

After working all day, i looked forward to unwinding at puppy's party. We would be hanging out with friends, which always puts us at ease... Love my family, but living in vanilla land gets pretty annoying sometimes and for the most part, my friends are kinky and/or they know who i am...

At puppy's, the spread was amazing and the party was perfect. Our kids were there and my friends, all these kinky people, were enjoying themselves as well. None of the kiddos there blinked an eye when puppy got down on her knees to clean up a mess, because that is what they are used to seeing too... They never even glanced over.

i danced through the house, twirling and grinding to the music... i would have felt weird doing it at my in-laws, with family that sometimes has judgey eyes, but i felt like myself there. i got to drink and smoke out and talk about real life with amazing people who listened and shared pieces of themselves with me. These are the moments where long lasting and life long friendships develop and it was amazing.

Before midnight, we ran into puppy's room and locked the door and Frisky (new friend) got spanked by her Daddy with puppy's ginormous paddle, called The Judge. She liked it... i hate that thing so bad.

Then we came out and partied some more, which is when Sire and Twinsie and her friend showed up. We were able to see the beautiful aftermath of their scene at APEX. Her ass is amazing and sure can take some fun. i wish my skin was tougher and could take more. i want so badly to be able to enjoy and experience that side too, but it scares me a little cuz it fucking hurts, lol...

My Daddy set off the fireworks and we were able to give each other our midnight New Year's kiss, which was amazing and passionate and full of need and love and understanding and hope... Then i was able to give Sire a deep kiss for the New Year as Daddy and Twinsie shared their own. i could feel the hope for a bright future in that kiss as well. Twinsie and i shared a few wonderful kisses through the night as well.

Then, all the adults went into the bedroom again as the little kids watched a movie (mostly asleep) in the living room and the older kids were playing video games (my oldest was grounded until 2016) in puppy's son's room. Frisky's Daddy let us all give her a couple spankings with The Judge for the New Year. Then we got to kiss and lick her ass. i scraped my nails all over her amazing back. i thoroughly enjoyed man-handling Frisky and thanked her Daddy for the pleasure.

After she got in trouble for getting naked (oopsie), Daddy had me get naked, which i love. Then, He decided to offer my ass for spankings, which made me upset. You see, He doesn't play with me that way... At this point in my life, we use spankings for punishment only and most of our play is sex/bj/anal oriented unless we get a new toy (and we will try it for a day or 2). He started spanking me a little with The Judge. i hate that toy. Then, He handed it to puppy, who hit so hard... It took everything in my power not to cry. i stepped away from the bed, then back and reset position. Daddy grabbed my hands.

Then Frisky got a turn and the pain i felt exploded exponentially. My Daddy had my arms pinned so i couldn't move away and i ripped my arms out of His hands and shook it off and then reset my position. Daddy tried to grab my hands again, but i pulled them away. i needed to be able to shake it off if someone else was going to hurt me.

Then i heard someone else ask and i hated my Daddy in that moment... To not condition me for this at all and then to set my ass out there for people to whack at me... No positive reinforcement as it was happening. No petting my hair and telling me what a good girl i was for resetting my position... Nothing... Alone on an island of pain when pain isn't my kink, at least not yet... i didn't like it and just writing about it right now sends tears streaming down my face...

He could see my hate when He looked at me and told me to get dressed. He knew in that second that the spontaneous decision He made was the wrong one, but i also hope He knew that i still gained the experience, which means that it wasn't in vain. Gaining the experience is the best part to me... My ass still hurts, but the hate was gone within 30 minutes... i don't hold on to that shit...

i was a little sad when i saw Sire set the paddle down because we have chatted a little about me getting to experience his form of play. When i sat down near him, ass throbbing, he talked with me about ramping up during spanking sessions so it wouldn't be as bad... i was able to enjoy time and light kisses and holding hands. Felt very organic and easy.

We talked about our next date. i hugged and kissed my Daddy to show Him i didn't hate Him. To remind Him that i love Him. We talk about these things in bed before we go to bed so we can review experiences and adjust our play and our methods... The safe space where we talk without fear of punishment or fear of hurting the others feelings. All together, a wonderful way to start 2016!!