Caning and Sweet Nothings

Yesterday was an amazing day! i love when i can wake Papa Bear up properly! i was able to get almost all of the laundry done, which is a feat when you have 3 growing and crazy boys in the house and none of them are past wetting the bed at night...

Papa Bear made me a new collar out of paracord that is a bit too tight, but i actually like that it leaves a mark around my neck. His next attempt will be thicker and will include a metal ring, lol...

We were able to go hang out with Master's puppy and her Owner. We had dinner, fun conversation, and a great time overall. i brought over our electric wand and she was able to give that a try. Clothing actually makes it arc more, so it was funny to  watch as her Owner used it on her. It is really hard to stay still when you hear it coming to shock you.

Papa Bear requested that she hit me with a bamboo stick to help my pain tolerance and she got in a couple of smacks before she had to stop because she felt bad... Awe!... She gave it to Papa Bear and told Him that He could have it... to take home!! Gosh darn it!! So then Papa Bear took over and i am so happy i wore jeans instead of a dress. The jeans didn't help when He hit me on the back and that left a little mark on my shoulder... Nothing too bad, but i am a big pansy, lol...

After we got home and got the last kid to bed, Papa Bear caned me with the bamboo stick, bare assed... He started me in a standing position, but then moved me to a crawling position before resting in an ass in the air/ head down position. He caned my ass and my back... Thank goodness my breasts are off limits right now or those probably would have been hit as well...

Papa Bear then mounted the stick above the door that leads to our bathroom. He usually uses that as a play area because He likes to have me hold the door frame and stay still while He plays with me. Last night, He had me on the bed, ass up and caned and spanked me until my cheeks were a lovely shade of pink.

Afterwards, while His cock was buried deep in my ass, He called me a dirty bitch... It took me by surprise... Master's puppy was just telling me that her owner called her a bitch and how she thought it was hot... i am not sure how i felt about it... Then, He called me a cum dumpster... ew! i then had to call myself those names and beg for Him to fill up His cum dumpster...

As He exploded, i started to cry... It was a gentle cry, like a release... Like something has been needing to give and it finally did... i think that by calling me those things, He changed something in me... Not something big, but something small... i am not sure what, but i feel a little different today... A little more owned... A little more like a belonging instead of like a separate person He does things to...

i know this is a long post and i thank you, my dear sweet reader for reading to the end.

Sexy time

We finally got to have sex last night... He tried to be gentle and avoided bumping by breast, which was great. Otherwise, He was just as rough as He normally is... Poor guy... When He first met me, He was a gentle and tender lover... After 12 years of being together, He now likes to drag me around and screw me hard.

Last night, He didn't really initiate anything because He is being careful with me... Then i started using Sir as i massaged His cock in my hands... Sir, what would You like to do with Your slave?.. Sir, do You want Your belonging to suck Your wonderful cock? Sir, i am such a dirty little whore... i kept this up and basically dehumanized myself into a toy or belonging until He grabbed a fistful of my hair and dragged my mouth to His yummy cock... He spanked my ass hard every time i came up for air, lol...

We did reverse cowgirl vaginally until He came the first time, then i stood up and shoved His cock in my ass... He was so hard... i rode Him in that position until He came again... He told me to get off of Him, but i was a bad listener and just leaned back a little... He grabbed the back of my throat and my right thigh and just used me as hard as He could until He went again... It was so hot!!

i wonder if i will get in trouble for not listening... If i do, then the punishment is totally worth it... i would rather get a spanking for not listening when the result is that He was able to explode 3 times in that night... i love pleasing my Papa Bear.

Worry...

So, on Wednesday, i had a biopsy done of that stupid spot that was found on the mammogram and i have to wait until Monday or Tuesday for the results because of the holiday... i am a little worried, but putting on my brave face for now... i have been telling myself, "could be benign and there is no need to worry before the results come... i shouldn't worry needlessly..." and things along those lines, but it is still scary... Still worrisome... sigh...

On a positive note, via text, the spark with the new girl is smoldering... Can't wait to see that spark turn into a flame... We are now doing a three way text and it is so flipping hot to see Papa Bear and her talk about sex and fun things to try.  Our dynamic seems to still be working well while starting the dating process, which makes me really happy. i am trying to make sure i am balancing my time with Papa Bear and her so that i am paying attention to both of them. The three way texting is definitely helping me with this because i feel like we all have equal opportunity to meet and chat...

As a woman, i have so many insecurities about the way i look and behave... In a way, it is another area i am worried about, but it is an excited and nervous worry, versus the doom and gloom worry waiting of on stupid biopsy results...

Current worries regarding next step in the threesome process:

• i look a lot better with my clothes on because i carry my weight well... What if she runs screaming when she sees my body? What if i am not really what she is looking for? What if i am too insecure? too fat? too flabby?
• i am a big pansy... What if i can't handle her level of play? Should i even be concerned about that? i am sure Papa Bear would handle us differently based on our individual levels...
• i am nervous... What if she doesn't like it? What if i don't like it? What if Papa Bear doesn't like it? That last one is highly doubtful, but you never know. He has only seen me make out with strippers at the club, not with someone i can see myself becoming invested in... What if i get too nervous? i can sometimes have an anxious personality and it can get me really ramped up and ready to go or can make me over think things...
• i am kind of neurotic... What if she finds that annoying or just too crazy, lol?

As you can tell, the what ifs are endless... That being said, i am still excited and eager to please... Both my Papa Bear and her...

Three's company :-)

So, we have found someone to play with. i am excited and giddy and kind of feel like a school girl at the moment. She is so nice and wonderful and thinks i am attractive and amazing and adorable...

i am nervous, but excited... We texted each other a lot last night, chatting about fun stuff and figuring each other out. She said that Papa Bear and i have a special relationship... i have always thought so. i am so lucky that we fit so well together with our kinks and our quirks...

On a side note, i received several compliments today and i think it was because i focused on making deliberate movements and keeping great posture, lol...

Body Language

Last night, i took a class on body language and the importance of being graceful and elegant in this lifestyle. i am really enjoying these classes and the amazing members of APEX. i have learned that i really need to focus on the following:

• Arm placement
• Body awareness
• Awareness of others
• Facial expressions
• Posture

i will be purchasing a full length mirror to help focus on these items as well as see how i look when i walk and focus more on deliberate movements. Such a great class.

Before the class, i met with an amazing individual that could be really fun to connect with. In the very least, i believe i have made a great friend...

Our M/s dynamic

i really loved the knowledge that i received at APEX tonight with a 24/7 presentation. Watching another Master and slave interact with each other and talking with them about how they live the lifestyle was so nice and refreshing. It made me feel more normal and it helped me see some areas that i really need to improve on.
My biggest takeaway was changing my thought processes to include that everything i do, i do because Papa Bear is in control and that is what He would want me to do. This means that i am a slave at all times, regardless of where i am at and what i am doing. This is usually a concept i struggle with because there is a big chunk of the day where i am away from Papa Bear.

i basically learned the following:

• Kids don't care and won't really ask because they don't really want to know
• Kids won't necessarily follow down the kinky path
• There is nothing wrong with teaching the importance of service in your home
• We are definitely similar to other M/s couples
• Leading and Supporting Relationship is a key term when explaining what we do to the more vanilla crowd
• Others looking in will generally think i am just an amazing wife that is taking care of her husband, not some kinky little slave in a collar

Once we got home, i made our home ready for the night, did the dishes, got stuff ready for the next day, set out Papa Bear's waters and medications. We snuggled and commented on a new friend's post on Fetlife and talked about the event and how we both felt about TTWD. We are both really happy with our dynamic and the progress we are making. He then kept me up all night with throat raping and anal sex. He said that He just couldn't keep His hands off His dirty little whore slave...

Today, i am functioning on about 4.5 hours of sleep, but i feel amazing. i feel owned and cared for... i feel sexy and beautiful... i feel ready to take on anything the world throws at me because my Papa Bear is always going to take care of me. 😌

Poly?

So, last night, we played pretty hard. i am getting better at taking stingy pain, which is the one He prefers to dole out. My breasts had red slashes all over them because of the thin vinyl flogger pieces.
It was so hot! He gagged me, which is my new favorite thing.

We talked a lot about polyamory and trying to find a third wheel for our marriage. Such an interesting topic. i guess there is even a TV show about it on showtime... It has been coming up a lot, so i am starting to try to figure it all out for me...

Growing

i am learning so much about myself, my Papa Bear, and what the future could hold for us since i've started to explore the BDSM community. i have found that i am open to more than i thought and as my mind is opening, i am having trouble accepting the new boundaries... i will get there... right.... i have to get there.... Sigh...

Different Class

So, Papa Bear decided against the Needles and Staples demo. After looking at a bunch of pictures of people playing with needles and staples, He decided that He would not ever be interested in playing with those implements. Since we had a sitter in place, we found another educational discussion on how to negotiate scenes and relationships, which was very interesting.

We were able to meet others in the community and learn useful information. We can also see how playing at a dungeon could be useful and fun, so play parties may still be in our future. We are still going to sign up for membership at APEX and go to their classes and are now looking at joining TNG as well. The community is big, but small at the same time. i am so glad that we went, but i feel like today is going to be a rough day at work because we were up so late.

Classes at APEX!

After the Kink Karnival and my nervousness, Papa Bear said that He wants me to focus more on making friends with others in the lifestyle so i can get out of my own head. If a friendship eventually turns into something more, then awesome, and if it doesn't, you can never have too many friends. That being said, i suggested we join the local club and get involved. There are support groups and classes where you can learn new skills, which is something i love. i am very passionate about learning. Now, we are prepared to take a class today on needles and staples!

i am nervous and excited! Never thought about playing with those items, so it will be interesting to explore. Also, we should be meeting some new people or visiting with people we met previously at the open house and the Karnival. Wish us luck ;-)

Mastering me...

i love my Papa Bear so much.

He has figured out officially how to master me and my crazies. So, yesterday may have been blown a little out of proportion... i felt like He was ignoring me, but it turns out, He was thinking of how to handle this situation. Last night, He handled it and restored the communication piece while also setting future expectations for me so i don't get worried and anxious again in the future...

i got home from work yesterday and exercised great restraint by only asking Him once if He got my message from the night before. He said that He had, so i waited for a minute, but He didn't say anything else, so i walked away and did other things. i am really proud of this behavior, because I normally would have pestered... if you ask my Papa Bear, He would say that i can be annoyingly pesky at times...

After getting the kids to bed, i put on my collar and we watched The Walking Dead, which was awesome! i love the character development part of the show. Then, i put on these sexy stiletto heels and finished getting everything ready for bed. Once in bed, instead of fooling around, He started to ask me questions...

Papa Bear: So, what is it exactly that you feel you are not ready for?

foxy: ummm... pretty sure i am not ready to eat a girl out or to be eaten out by another girl...

Papa Bear: What about kissing?

foxy: ya... i could kiss anybody... kissing isn't really that intimate to me... people kiss their friends...

Papa Bear: What about naked body to body contact?

foxy: i am not sure, but i think that would be fine... before clothes existed, i think people still hugged... sigh... i just don't want the sex part... i want my sexual experiences to just be Yours... You know?

Papa Bear: I understand... you are mine and you will do as I say. I want you to know that I will take these things into consideration, but if I order you to do something you are uncomfortable with, you will do it (said with authority)

foxy: yes Sir... Thank you for taking my thoughts into consideration... i am so grateful to have such a thoughtful Master...

After this conversation, i felt a million times better... i love that He listened to me and asked clarifying questions. i love how He still spoke with authority and still gave me orders and that He said He would keep my concerns in mind. i love how open the communication was and that He took the time to think about it before responding to me last night. i feel loved and heard and owned all at the same time... probably the best feeling that i as a slave will ever feel... and the fact that He addressed this the way He did will also bring down my anxiety if something happens in the future, because i know He will address it...

On a side note, i found out that He loves the collar on me and likes the way it looks, but feels He gave it to me too easily... He really wants me to earn it, but is not sure what i need to do to earn it... We will probably discuss this more in the future... anyone have any suggestions ;-)

The new collar

i am a little sad and a little worried... i think Papa Bear is upset with me... not punishment upset, just upset or maybe disappointed in me... i told Him that i felt like i am not ready for the threesome He wants. i let Him know that I would still be willing to do it, but i am worried about what it will do to me... He took in my feedback and then seemed fine for the night.

After i got the kids to bed, we were able to play for a bit. i was feeling extra slave-y in my new collar, so i thanked Him for it and told Him so. i let Him know how much i love it and how good it makes me feel to be owned in such a way. i am really happy about my new collar!

Then, i asked Him how He feels when He sees the collar on me... He immediately shut down and said He didn't want to talk about that right now... then, He went to sleep and left me pondering and freaking out about what He could have meant by that... Could it be that i was finally in line with everything He wanted when He gave it to me, but now that i made that comment about my readiness, that i no longer deserve it? Could it be that the ownership also seems more real for Him as well and He is not sure how to handle those emotions? Could it be that He doesn't like it or He loves it?

i am so confused... sigh...

Kink Karnival and worries

Oh my goodness, yesterday was so busy, it was crazy...We went to a Kink Karnival, which was so fun. We saw demonstrations on caning, flogging, whipping, electric play, and the fire wand. Turns out, Papa Bear is just in love with the Violet Wand... as soon as He is working and we have extra funding, He is going to purchase one. i am not sure that i will ever get used to being shocked, but i am ecstatic that He found something to be passionate about and am more than willing to help Him explore more.

After the event, we went out to eat and then went to Castle Megastore to take a look at the new remodeled store and take a look at the new merchandise. We had fun and were helped by a wonderfully knowledgeable girl who seemed to want to play... This could have been a part of her sales technique or maybe she was interested. i know that Papa Bear really wants a threesome, but i became really nervous and basically ran away from the conversation... i felt really bad, so when we got home, i called the store, got her name, and left my name and number for contact. When she called back, my nerves kicked back in and i felt like a damn teenager asking for a date... i don't think it went well, but i guess we will see...

i felt really sick afterwards and went to bed early. Papa Bear and i talked about it and He said my nerves just got to me and to not worry because we would take it slow... now that it is really real, i am running into an issue... i love my Papa Bear and want to give Him everything... i don't really want to share myself with anyone but Him on a sexual level... but that is what He wants... sometimes being a slave is so hard... i am ready to do whatever He requires, but am also afraid that this particular act will break me... and i am already so broken... hopefully, He will help me pick the pieces back up again...

Talking and Spanking

i told Papa Bear of my frustrations last night and we talked and spanked it out... He is so protective of me! He wants to see me be happy and is helping me remember that i am not perfect. i have flaws... lots of them... but not more than any other person... so we will work on those together.

The spankings were to assist with building up the pain tolerance. i actually have little bruises this time, which has never happened before, so i am glad i could take it. He told me to hold still and to shut up... i find that without that direction and His look of warning, i cry too fast and it all becomes very dramatic for me...This time, i focused on being quiet and the focus and the spankings slipped me into sub space... yay!! i love being there and wish i could stay forever... sigh... We used both crops that we have, His hand, and that stupid electric wand. i think He is reserving the belt for punishments, but i am not sure...

Today, we are going to a kinky event, then to a vanilla event, then to who knows where... Papa Bear has been talking about the strip club, but i think He also said we don't have money for it... maybe, we will just figure out a place to hang. Also, for those interested, i am now on fetlife. Same handle, so look me up if you are interested.

Punishments and pain tolerance

Ahhhhhh! i am just getting so pissed off at myself! Finally! Finally, He steps it up... He takes it to where i have wanted it to be for years and what do i do... i constantly screw up... i leave drawers open... i give attitude... i feel frustrated with myself and how much i suck at being a slave... i have everything down and handled in the bedroom department, but completely suck at the rest of it...disappointing Him, this man, is killing me... it breaks my heart that i continually fail... When i feel like a failure, it is really hard to snap out of it because of those damn perfectionist tendencies that i have... sigh...

So, the bedroom drawer was finally closed and i left the bathroom one open! He gave me a hard hand spanking right away, so i figured that i got off easy on that infraction. Turns out, i was wrong... i still received the belt spanking that was promised in the event when i break a rule or behavior requirement. This time, He told me that i better shut my mouth during my punishment because the windows in our room were open and He didn't want the neighbors to hear... so i wriggled quietly on the bed... zipping my mouth shut... breathing in agony... then, He shocked the areas where the belt hit with that stupid electric wand, raped my mouth and my ass, and made me promise i wouldn't forget again...

Then, this morning, i got all the way to my son's room to get him ready for school before i realized i had left the drawer open again! i ran back to the room and shut it and He was so pleased that i remembered to come back and check it. He teased me about it a bit, but i could tell it was in good fun.

As i lay in bed resting, stayed home sick today due to a really bad head cold and a son who caught a virus, we chatted about what He wants... i found out that He wants me to be a pain slut... He wants me to be able to take more than 1 belt spanking... He wants to slap me without holding back (which i didn't even know He was doing)... He wants to see my ass change colors...

This gives me a goal to shoot for... now all of my reading and online research will target improving pain tolerance so i can help Him teach me... i love helping Him... even if i am helping Him hurt me...sigh...

On a side note, the search for a threesome has officially commenced... more to follow...

Mammo... sigh...

Sometimes, TTWD helps me cope with things in life... a great example is my recent breast cancer scare. Papa Bear found a lump... so far, we have done the mammogram and ultrasound that both show that there is something there. Next step is to stick a needle in it, which i now have scheduled.

First off, i was told by friends that the mammogram would hurt because of the intense pinching that occurs when the machine flattens the breast for accurate pictures. i won't say that it was pleasant, but it was definitely not painful. Papa Bear grabs my breasts harder than that on a daily basis...

Secondly, i freaked out a little bit. i had an off day and left the damn drawer open as well... when we got home, He gave me a punishment belt spanking right away. It worked as a way for me to also cry about the injustice of that stupid lump. i have a lot to deal with already on a daily basis in my personal and home life, so the potential for cancer just pisses me off. Once i started crying, He held me. He calmed me down and talked me through better breathing methods. In this moment, He was able to show consistency and compassion, which are both things that i need in our relationship.

Hopefully, it turns out to be nothing. The scheduling person informed me that the day of and a few days after the procedure, i need to take it easy. Nothing rigorous... poor Papa Bear... i can't remember the last time that our sexual experience wasn't rigorous, lol...

And then i f#cked it all up...

So, great day... meet all of my goals... Book of Rules completely in line... great food choices... So we got to play.

That damn electric wand drives me crazy but Papa Bear loves it... absolutely loves how i jump when it touches me... i think He even loves how nervous and twitchy i get when i just hear it get turned on...  Papa Bear isn't affected by it at all. He found that if He touches Himself with it and then licks me or touches me, He can shock me! Guess what His new favorite thing is? Lol... also, shocking my collar turns it into a shock collar... ugh, do not like that either because i never know what part of my neck will be shocked. i mean, i still really like Him controlling me and making me stand still while He tortures me, but... sigh...

So all together, a great night... and then... that's right, i f#cked it all up... so, i am currently going to school and i had to do some homework stuff online and was waiting on my team to turn in their parts. They finally turned in their items and i was pulling everything together when He started messing with me... Before i knew it, i was cumming and without permission!

He couldn't believe it, but waited until after i finished submitting the teamwork before administering my punishment. This time, He set up a chair, had me kneel on it and lean over the back, with my hands on the bed. Then, He gave me one really bad belt spanking and a bunch of smaller ones that were falling on a tender behind.

i actually thought my safe word... thought it to myself and then put it away... you see, i am a pansy for pain... and He knows that, but He also knows what i can take... thank you Papa Bear, for always knowing how far to push me... One day, i will be your little pain slut... One day...

Owned and Punished

i know i briefly wrote yesterday about the open house and that experience, but i did not write about the after, so here goes...

On our way home, i cautiously asked where we were going. Papa Bear (new designated name for my Master... He is my Papa Bear and i am His little fox... thanks Master's puppy!) said probably to Wal-Mart and then home. i was a bit relieved as He was previously talking about going to a strip club after. i was nervous about going to a strip club. i haven't been in ages and even then, i was pretty drunk pretty quick... now, i don't drink, so.....

Anyways... while we were in the store, Papa Bear had me push the cart and then He basically cat called at me. One time, i had to stop to let a little old lady through and He smacked my ass hard, making me jump. The little old lady looked at me in shock and said "I'm sorry! I am just trying to find what I am looking for" and ran into the isle... lol... omg, how embarrassing...

But i loved it... the thrill of it just turned me on so much... sigh...

Later, when getting ready for bed and reviewing the Book of Rules, i commented that i was stuffed and would probably be heavier tomorrow. He asked why and i explained the bad food choices i made at dinner. He just stared at me while i finished putting the laundry away, which i hate... then He beat my butt so hard with a little XOXO paddle that we have... leaves little hugs and kisses markings on my butt... He then roughly proceeded to use me without any lube... then, He used sex to punish me!!! He had me keep going and threatened to use me all night and still make me go to work the next day... i am guessing that my next punishment will include that aspect :-(

i hate being punished... i hate being bad enough that i force Papa Bear to punish me... i hate the embarrassment that comes with writing about it here where i have friends i see that can read it... makes me want to do better and be better... so, a very effective punishment... hopefully, i don't give Him any more reasons to punish me...

Love you Papa Bear. Thank you for helping me and for making me feel so desirable!

Not for us...

So, we tried the scene thing and it just doesn't feel like it was for us... i am still glad we gave it a shot though... you never know when you are going to connect really well with another person and i never want to miss out on an opportunity to meet more of my people. i feel like we could have made some friends there, but we never really would have liked the naked dungeon parties, lol...

***update - as of 11/20, we have had our horizons broadened a little more and can now see how this could actually work for us. Just wanted to come back to this post and say that it is important to never write something off, because your opinion could change from one day to the next :-) ***

The mask of submission...

Yesterday was a pretty good day! i was basically a nervous bundle of energy because we are going to the event on Sunday now. i was able to email the group and receive additional information so that we are prepared. i have someone lined up to teach my Sunday School class and Master was able to get a sitter for the kids.

i am a preparer and a planner, so this event kind of being sprung on me last minute makes me nervous... what if we don't fit in? What if they don't like me? i am a bit of a people pleaser (shocking, right?) so new people make me nervous simply because i don't know what to do yet to please them... i am so weird sometimes... sigh.. Thank goodness Master's puppy is coming.

Master and i played for a bit and then went over the Book of Rules. Still a great day. i did really good at making healthy food choices and walked for 2 miles on my lunch and break at work. i pitched a fit again about the egg pan, but when He said to stop, i stopped. i think we made need a rule about complaining about the egg pan, lol...

Lastly, our newest toy came in the mail while i was at work. Oh my heavens, it was amazing! The ball gag mask took a little getting used to, but helped me feel submissive down to my very core. It just automatically pushed me into the right headspace... first, Master had me for the chin strap correctly, then had me hold it in place while He buckled the remaining buckled and made sure it was snug. Then, He had me go turn on all the lights in the room so He could take pictures of how it looked from different angles and videotaped as He pulled my head back to show of His control in the situation. Boom, right into subspace. He repeatedly smacked me with the crop while i was down on my hands and knees after and said we needed to do that more because i was moving around too much.

A good day of discovery and insight...

After getting ready for work yesterday, i noticed that Master was awake, so i woke Him properly. He was not able to finish before my alarm to leave went off, but He said He still really enjoyed it. i said i will probably be thinking about it all day and He said that during work hours, i need to focus at work, so i try really hard to only think about work stuff and only chat with Master's puppy pretty heavily about TTWD activities. She mentioned that if they ever pull our IM records, they are going to be like WTF is wrong with these two? Thank goodness that we are both great at what we do, lol.

After a long day of working, giggling, and worrying about the damn drawer, i was able to go home to my Master. When i arrived, He was on the couch, so i sat next to Him on the floor. He grabbed my hair gently and then tugged my head back hard just to look at my face before asking what i was having for dinner as everyone else already ate. i got up, changed out of my work clothes (new ritual to help with mindset), made dinner, and then sat down at His feet to eat.

This space is an interesting place to be and i have not quite gotten use to it yet. i was just so used to being on the couch that i never thought that it could be considered a privilege to sit there. In a small way, sitting on the floor actually seems like a privilege to me... like i finally moved away from the title of equal partner wife to beneath His feet slave...

After dinner and getting the kids to bed, we went over the book of rules to see how i did for the day. It was a great day. i had a small anger outburst when i had to wash the egg pan... i feel He can handle it while i am at work, because after work, the egg is like glue on that pan... but when He said to stop, i stopped, which follows a new behavioral rule (when the order to stop had been given, it will be followed immediately)...

Because i was so good, Master rewarded me by trying something new meant just for me. You see, i have a problem with food... i love it... i work out really hard to offset the food, but have not been at my goal weight for a little while. This may seem like a weird off topic tangent, but it will make sense in a minute. i have recently noticed that i take suggestions from Master as fact during a specific point of sub space... It is not the whole time, but just one spot, so i thought that i should take advantage of that and have Master use that to help me. He agreed that it would be a great reward for me. During that space, He told me that i will make healthy choices so i will be thin and beautiful for Him and so that He can toss me around whenever He likes. So hot! We will have to see if it works...

We also had a new breath play experience. He had me stand up, back to Him, and had me rub His cock while playing with myself. He then wrapped His huge hand around my throat and pulled me up in the air until i was on my top toes and when He commanded me to go, i went and fell to the floor, almost fainting... that was amazing, interesting and scary all at the same time.

This has gotten really long, so i am just going to snapshot the rest...

• He also rewarded me with a bright pink ass and they were really hard hand spankings, but i accepted them proudly :-)
• He tortured me with the electric wand again by moving it across the blanket, which caused it to arc more... Ahhh!
• We found out that i really like anal when He has a death grip on one arm, locking it straight and the other hand had my throat or a fistful of hair... OMG, amazing!
• We talked more about trying to figure out how to make a threesome happen, so now i have to prepare to go to a power exchange group meeting to see if the community is a good place for us to be and potentially make that happen. i am really nervous, but also excited as Master's puppy and her Master are going already.

Phew... got it all in ;-)

Thank goodness for 50 Shades...

So, i have realized that i am really lucky... a lot luckier than other slaves in this lifestyle because i have friends that i can talk to that are open minded and that understand. 50 Shades provided an easy way for me to approach the subject with others. Many women read this book and all seem to have formed an interesting opinion about it.

One of my closest friends and i bonded over that book (you know who you are, puppy). Another of my closest friends understood my lifestyle a little more after reading it (yes, you silly kitty). Two of my co-workers with open minds and open hearts had heard of it or read it and it made it easier for me to chat with them about my lifestyle and open up... So how does this book really help? Well the convo is usually like this after talking about books:

"Hey, have you read 50 Shades?"

"Yes, it was interesting but the writing was horrible" or "Hell ya, woo!" or "No, but I know what it's about. I didn't read it because..." are all great answers to get talking...

This lifestyle can sometimes be so solitary. It is nice when Master allows me to share this piece of myself with others because it helps me not feel alone. One of my friends knows so much that seeing another friend in a fox outfit for Halloween made her throw up in her mouth a little... i guess that knowing your friend has a fox tail butt plug will do that to a girl, lol...

Hello Daddy!

So... Master has started reading my blog... i wasn't sure it would happen because He hates to read, but He is now reading it and i think He may be using it to His advantage, lol... One thing He noticed right away is that i did not mention the most recent infraction of the drawer... It was this last Saturday... or post the punishment i received for it... now, with this new audience member in mind, i will be writing a bit more about everything and my reactions... hopefully to give Him whatever insight He may be looking for.

While i was at work this last Saturday, He sends me this texted picture...

The OPEN DRAWER!!

i apologize profusely and made excuses, but agreed that i was wrong... a couple of days went by with some pretty kinky stuff going down... that first night, He electrocuted me... the second night, i gave BJs until i thought my jaw would fall off... i finally asked if any of that stuff was the punishment for the drawer and He said no... i told Him that i needed my punishment soon (silly girl) because the bad feelings and guilt were hanging overhead...

He opted to punish me that night, of course... Lately, i have been getting everything i ask for, lol... the punishment was to be a belt spankin... i hate belt spankins... hate them so bad. He told me it was going to hurt more than any one He had done before because this was a real punishment. He had me lay across the bed and bury my face in a blanket. i started to cry and beg immediately (need to work on taking punishment with grace) and then the belt hit me...

It felt as though my skin had torn and was shredded. It was so bad that i folded in half, grabbing my knees from the pain. He walked out of the room and let me cry and wriggle on the bed, but came back in once i had settled to a low whimper... It was so welted and red... puffy and painful... and the sadistic Master touched it... rubbed his fingers gently across the heated skin. Then He asked if i would remember the drawer next time. i said i would and He then continued to use every hole i have for His pleasure.

i have a pretty good aversion to that stupid drawer now, but i haven't left it open, so the punishment was a success... i hope this success will last a long time... i hate belt spankins... but they are an effective tool

Dreams do come true...

i don't know what is going on, but everything feels so perfect right now, in this moment. i just got done with a great sex session with Master... what made us so horny in the middle of the day? Master and i sat down and made a list of rules and behaviors! This may seem like a small thing, but for us, we have always just winged it...

Master is pushing my limits and has stated that He is officially going to start training me... TRAINING!.. i never thought in my wildest dreams that i would get what i want... i usually never do, but man... this is one area where the effect will echo through my everything...

Once everything is done, i will create a few pages on here with the lists so i can be reminded and stay on track. We still need to discuss punishments and when everything will be administered... i know that i am mostly going to be in charge of counting demerits...

Oh my... Just amazing...amazing...

Psychology

So, i tend to love the psychology behind this lifestyle and the innate nature that i sometimes find myself trying to battle. A site that has really been helping me understand and accept who i am and what i like is http://bestslavetraining.com... the knowledge i am gaining is so helpful to me because sometimes i fight with myself about this lifestyle.

Sometimes, it is really easy to follow direction and my Master and sometimes i feel like i am strange for liking the pain and liking the control. As an individual with free will, it seems silly to give that free will up willingly when so many others have that freedom stripped away... but for me, releasing that free will makes me fly... Master has lately been experimenting and training and focusing so much attention on me that i feel like i am constantly flying... i am a little worried about what will happen when He goes back to work and doesn't have that time for me... sigh... It will be strange having Him work... He has been home for 6 years now... Oh life and its silly changes...

New favorite song is Secrets by Mary Lambert... love it!