Pain and Anger

Another year and another holiday season without my sweet boy in my arms... he would be 10 right now... I have cried so much over the last few days that it hurts and I feel broken... and with my Daddy struggling through his own issues and depression right now, he hasn’t really been able to put me back together. We usually cling to each other during these times, but his hurt is too great and I am now a visual reminder of some bad choices that were made because of what he wanted, so he is now even trying to find an escape from me... Seeing him that way ignites an angry hateful hellfire within me that cannot be quenched. Well... I’m sure it could... probably by the blood of the igniting force... but jail time is not something I want in this life... I guess I should thank my dad... if I hadn’t made that promise to myself long ago, because he was always in jail, then I would have gone right before Thanksgiving... lol...

But I’m not the type to get physical... I actually feel like it’s rude to hurt someone physically unless they are asking for it... And I mean literally asking for it... not asking for it by being a big asshole or blatant liar... legit asking for me to hurt you... some of me wants to hurt someone else to see if that would release my own pain and anger... Daddy says part of what hurts him is who I have become in the process... I’m harder, sharper, more aggressive, and less forgiving now... if there is something I could do to go back to being sunshine, maybe it would help... but what I am afraid of is that I’ll like hurting others and fall all the way into my darkness... that the joy I’ll feel will make me want to do it more and more... I just want to see if I can pour all of this pain into another... I’m too tired to want to deal with it anymore... I’m so tired of being the sunshine... but I’m scared because I know there is a dark bitch inside me that is itching to come out and take control...