Best sex ever!!

Oh my goodness! Tonight, my Daddy and I played so hard and had such amazing sex. He was so proud of how I handled myself at yoga today that we got to do a little DD/lg play!! First, while Daddy was on the toilet, I was getting stuff ready for bed in some cute lil booty shorts in the bathroom, so he called me over to him so he could bite my butt... the other day, Daddy found out that even though I complain, whine, and cry when I’m bitten, it still makes me very very wet... this fact is helping him push past his fear of hurting me... that along with me saying “Owwwww... is not a safe word”, I think, lol... anyways, when he started to bite my lil ass, his dick got hard and popped out of the toilet... he said something about how he wasn’t going to be able to pee anymore and I turned and looked down to see his big cock sitting on the rim... so what did I do?

Well, naturally what any dirty lil girl will do... I dropped to all fours and started sucking his cock (I think it’s called a rusty trombone)... when he shoved it all the way down my throat, I gagged and my back arched, which got him even harder... then he stood up and shoved his dick all the way down my throat until I threw up a lil of the spaghetti I ate earlier... Daddy admonished me for wasting food, lol, and told me I was a naughty dirty lil girl, at which point, I fell into my little space. Daddy helped me to my feet and snuggled me against his chest... when we went back out to the living room, he held me while we watched some shows...

Later that night, he started biting my shoulder and as I whimpered, he slipped his cock into my already wet pussy. He bit and fucked me while I held my hands over my mouth for a good while before he pulled out and decided to play with my juicy pussy. He started fingering it hard and sucking on the tips of my nipples to make me squirt repeatedly... honestly, I can’t tell you how many times I squirted. What I can say is that Daddy slept in two puddles I made on the bed later and gave me high fives for being his messy lil babygirl when it happened. He even corrected my reaction when I saw the first puddle and said “Oh no!”  and shifted me to saying “Oh look!” instead so we could celebrate instead of it sounding like a bad thing. One of the squirts was so big that it splashed all over Daddy and all over me!!

As Daddy was cleaning up, he told me he was definitely gonna have to take me to the doctor to find out why our bellies sweat pussy smelling juices while we fuck and I just could not stop laughing. He was talking like he was a Daddy that didn’t know what a clitoris was and like he was the doctor trying to explain squirting to someone that hadn’t heard of it before... and it just hit all the right giggle buttons. After he soaked up a lot of my juices with paper towels, he put them on his face and said he was chloroforming hinself with my pussy juices, then started to sway like he was gonna fall over!! I used my feet to push him to either side to make sure he didn’t fall to the left or the right... at which point, the giggles took hold again.

Once I stopped giggling, he laid down, so I started to suck on his pussy drenched cock... it tasted so yummy! He asked if I wanted my foxhole, and as I climbed between his legs, he told Alexa to play raindrops on a tin roof, our new favorite sleepy time noise. As I sucked his cock, I started to fall asleep to the sounds of the rain and his snores... when he woke me up so I could move to my side of the bed, his dick had fallen out of my mouth and his leg had fallen asleep where my head was laying as I sucked his cock... lol...

I’m writing this before I go to bed so I don’t forget a single amazing detail... I took pain and cried and Daddy pushed past the wide eyes and sad noises to help me take what he needs... it was like before... when we started this journey and it was the best sex I have ever had because I am free and happy to enjoy our love! I am so grateful for my Daddy. He makes me feel good about being messy, dirty, slutty, whorish, and naughty. He loves every bit of me as I love every bit of him... even the bites 😘

Pain and Anger

Another year and another holiday season without my sweet boy in my arms... he would be 10 right now... I have cried so much over the last few days that it hurts and I feel broken... and with my Daddy struggling through his own issues and depression right now, he hasn’t really been able to put me back together. We usually cling to each other during these times, but his hurt is too great and I am now a visual reminder of some bad choices that were made because of what he wanted, so he is now even trying to find an escape from me... Seeing him that way ignites an angry hateful hellfire within me that cannot be quenched. Well... I’m sure it could... probably by the blood of the igniting force... but jail time is not something I want in this life... I guess I should thank my dad... if I hadn’t made that promise to myself long ago, because he was always in jail, then I would have gone right before Thanksgiving... lol...

But I’m not the type to get physical... I actually feel like it’s rude to hurt someone physically unless they are asking for it... And I mean literally asking for it... not asking for it by being a big asshole or blatant liar... legit asking for me to hurt you... some of me wants to hurt someone else to see if that would release my own pain and anger... Daddy says part of what hurts him is who I have become in the process... I’m harder, sharper, more aggressive, and less forgiving now... if there is something I could do to go back to being sunshine, maybe it would help... but what I am afraid of is that I’ll like hurting others and fall all the way into my darkness... that the joy I’ll feel will make me want to do it more and more... I just want to see if I can pour all of this pain into another... I’m too tired to want to deal with it anymore... I’m so tired of being the sunshine... but I’m scared because I know there is a dark bitch inside me that is itching to come out and take control...

Playtime with a Doll

The only thing that would have made tonight better is if our new friend could have stayed longer. Our 2nd play party since the big break-up and it was a million times better than the first one... for one thing, I brought all the right things! I remembered a blanket and a towel as well as all of our toys!! We had a rope bag (my thing), an electric bag (his thing), and our big play bag. I also remembered to bring food and drink, which I forgot last time... so all in all better planning.

We got to the party at the start as we normally do... I figure, the sooner we get there, the sooner we can play... we cannot use some of our toys at home cuz they are loud and we have children, so play parties give us that opportunity. I started off by getting flogged on the cross again, but this time I even took the big black flogger AND I even got BRUISES!!!! It was so fun!!

Then, Daddy roped me all up... in Christmas colors, so I got a cute lil photo shoot with me in Christmas rope!! As he was tying me, our new friend messaged as did the ex that they were both on the way... thank goodness it wasn’t really awkward as the timing was absolutely perfect! I told Daddy and put on my onesie as our new friend walked in. I gave her a hug and walked past to the door, opening it to a brat face and an urge that I had to control...

I had to get stuff over to the ex, but thankfully, the new friend was there to distract Daddy while I gave the ex back her things in a Christmas bag outside at the car... her new guy complimented my onesie as I walked back to the door and I caught myself before allowing a flood of garbage to flow out of my mouth and thanked him... what can I say... it’s been about a month and I’m still agitated about the whole thing, but whatevs... I’m a big girl and can be respectful and polite to anyone.

Once I got back inside, I recommended that we play with the electric... I know, I know... what am I thinking to ask for electric?! But I figured, we already played the other ways... also, I was honestly curious if she would like it, since it is Daddy’s fave type of play, not mine... I was pleasantly surprised as the noises she made while being electrified were adorable and erotic at the same time... I have a feeling that we will have a lot of fun with this one... and I’ve not seen my Daddy smile that big in a lil while.

What do I want?

Oh my goodness!! Today, before I tortured and tied my friend’s cock, he asked me what I wanted next in life... My quick response was that I wanted to be spoiled a bit... he laughed and said don’t we all... so I spoiled him with a CBT session that included a dick flogging and cropping... he came soooooo good for me... nom nom nom... it was wonderful... to get back to the topic... focus Foxy, focus... teehee

I know I just wrote about 5 things I want to see in the next 5 years... but right now, I really want to be pampered and taken care of. I want someone to dote on me and check in on me. I want someone who takes me to lunch or shopping just to spoil me... just cuz I’m worth it... where I don’t have to worry about anything anymore... for just a lil while... HAVE I NOT BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH YET, UNIVERSE!!! (pants heavily, waiving fist at the air) okay, so that was a little over dramatic self-entitlement... but isn’t everyone living that entitled life? Smdh...

I no longer have a semi-slave thingy at my beck and call (really, the only part that is frustrating me about the Princess situation... 2.5 years of gd training, grumble grumble...), so I’ve been having to take care of myself and it’s just not as fun as having someone waiting on my lil goddess self... and dare I say it, I’ve become a lil spoiled!

But no worries... all I am really looking for in my immediate future is someone willing to do the following without expecting anything except for my particular brand of affection:

Make me food
Massage my feet
Massage my back
Massage my pussy
Eat my pussy
Bring me drinks
Get stuff ready to go for parties or events
Pick out my clothes
Be my fucktoy sacrifice to my hubby
Remind me about chores or come do them for me if you have time
Text me good morning and goodnight
Sext me randomly
Have a punny joke ready for when I have bad days
Have a pic ready for when I request it
Be prepared to interact with 3-5 versions of me on any given day
Be socially appropriate... I have kids, lol

You know... the basic service sub type stuff... with some sexual sacrifice on the side, lol

If you are a dude and this list seems fun, be willing and able to look like a chic and you could be the one. I am pretty sure that if I can sissy you up enough, my PapaBear would still take the sacrifice I offer 😁

The next 5 years

I’m sick, laying in bed... reflecting on my life and the phases of it... wondering what this new phase will be like... what I will write in this next chapter... As the lead character in my book, I have been through so much in this book already... childhood trauma, teenage abuse, heartbreak, violence, a wonderful and magnificent reprieve, an amazing romantic love story, the joy of raising a family, the devastating loss of a son, and the depths of despair trapped in an existence I didn’t want for the undying love for another... selflessness, selfishness, and everything in between... so the next chapters I write... I hope they are clean and clear and joyful.

I am hoping to write about some of the following topics in the next five years:

The purchase of a new home with the extra space and soundproofing for playtime. It needs to have at least 4 rooms, but I would prefer 5. Definitely want a countertop big enough for all the makeup and products my niece/daughter uses. Also want to have amazing sexy backdrops for new pics, so my mind is now full of ideas for the house... look out Pinterest, lmao

The slutty hubby years... that’s right... I have been a lil slut for so long and my pussy is honestly tired... but he has always kind of been a serial monogamist... even in our poly, lol, he loves with all his heart, so hit and run style fuck buddies hasn’t been a thing... but I am a pretty good teacher and I love watching him fuck others... when I like them, of course... writing this chapter should be a lot of fun 😁 Is it bad to want to teach your partner to be less emotionally invested when fucking some slut so that the assholes of the world can’t hurt him and break his heart? I don’t think so...

The raising of the teens!! Dear god, I have 4 years before the first is old enough to be out on her own... and a little over 5 years on my firstborn... I am excited to watch them grow and flourish into strong adults who kick ass and take names in this life. And just as those two move on to adulthood, my youngest will hit that teen mark... so I got about 10 years coming up where I will be dealing with teens... smdh...

The growth of an empire... Bwahahaha Hahahaha... (maniacal laughter)... so many lives to change and people in this world to impact... so many people that need someone to let them know it’s okay to be themselves and to find that wonder and joy again in a dark world... I have the heart of a Phoenix... come into my embrace and burn away the bullshit with the light of a thousand suns and the unending love of the universe so you can rise with me... (legit message me here or on fet if you would like to come with me)

Our forever companion... I know what I want and know what I don’t want and will not settle... super tired of settling... so this should be an interesting chapter when we get to it... and that doesn’t even include what he’s looking for.... lol... but what I know is that if I am happy, then he is happy... and that’s all that really matters. I am vortexing the most amazing woman who will be in love with us both... I know it can happen because I have been that unicorn before... I wonder what her name is?!?!

That seems like enough to focus on for a space of time and all good things... looking through it all, I can see where the threads of drama can pop up and delight the readers... and I feel like W/we can handle it as the woman W/we are continually becoming... I feel like, for the first time in a long time, everyone living in my head will finally have a new purpose that they can work on together... which may even lead to integration... a girl can always wish...

Change

The only thing in life that is constant is change... who would have thought that I would be stepping into 2019 as the mother of daughter... and a teenage daughter at that... but I’m excited and proud and nervous and want to make sure I do it right...

With my home being clear of negative energy (most of which was mine... not gonna lie... I can be a psychotic hateful bitch when I need to be), life has felt and been a bit different... I am no longer waking up with anxiety and panic attacks... I am waking up with a lil depression over the loss of my boy... but even that is quickly swept away by the plans of what we are building together for our family. I feel like my relationship is stronger than ever and my Master/Owner/Daddy/Fuckboy is all mine... I love sharing him with others who love him, but sometimes it’s also nice to be able to remind him of how much I love him and to get his undivided attention.

I am not sure how things will continue to change, but all I know is that I am ready and in a state of hyper vigilance... I am open to new women and new situations and circumstances... nothing too serious though... just fun and games... especially after the last couple of years... I need a break and I am oh so tired of drama.

Marble Jar

Once trust is lost, and the marble jar has been shattered, it is so hard to put the pieces together again... it is a painstaking process of slowly picking up broken shards of glass to connect them again to make a jar... along the journey, finger slices and additional slips can make it even harder to piece back together, but if you are stubborn and persistent, I have found that it can be done...

So what happens when you are inches away from placing that last piece in, bandaids on all your fingers, blood dripping down the sides of the jar, and that same asshole comes and pushes the jar off the table again? Do you get back on the floor and start piecing the jar together again? Or do you sweep it into the dustpan to protect your hands and dump the whole shit show into the trash?

I think you all know my thoughts on this... I think next time, I won’t get down on the floor and try to put the jar together... next time, I’ll throw it away the first time it breaks. I’m too old and too tired for this shit!

Feeding Daddy’s Lil Succubus

I always come home from work super horny and full of dirty naughty thoughts... as a cam girl, I interact with and create fantasies for my clients... and some of them have really dirty minds... today, one wanted me to pee myself and then to pee in my mouth and another wanted me to peg him while calling him racial slurs... and those are just 2 of the many in just one day... so after my day is over, of course I want to play... and Daddy always happily obliges.

Daddy asked me to take a shower with him to help him do some manscaping. After trimming his bush and accidentally pinching his balls with the scissors (which still makes me giggle uncontrollably)... I’m  a horrible person... but the face he made... teehee...

Anyways... after that, we got in the shower and I washed him off. Then he backed up to pee in the drain and I went down on my knees and asked that he pee on me. He had me open his mouth and he peed all over and in me... then he had me rinse out my mouth... no flushing this time (when he has me swallow it)... then he had me clean off his cock with my mouth... then he grabbed my hand and handed me the soap... Clean off dirty girl... yes Daddy...

Back in the room after drying off he bent me over the bed and fucked me hard... then, he turned me over onto my back and fucked me more, sucking on my toes, which just makes me more wet... then he spun me and climbed on top of me instead of standing next to the bed and I begged him to fill me up... I needed his cum... I begged for it... I demanded he give it to me now... that as his succubus, he needed to feed me and I needed his cum... and dear god did he fill me up...

Princess’s Day Off

So I had the wonderful joy of having the Princess home with me on Tuesday... her phone alarm didn’t go off and by the time she woke up, she would have been too late to work for her liking. We got Daddy ready to go for work and then got the kids out to school. It was a rare naked day!!

Tuesdays have always been bad for me for camming, so I told the Princess that I was hers for the day... much like I would dedicate my day to a Daddy if he was at home... I made it clear that she would still be in service to me, but that we could do what she wanted... first, we talked... she confronted me on my feelings about this guy she started seeing again... I personally think it isn’t a good idea to bring in drama right now in our very full house, and the last time she dated this guy, everything was so dramatic... and he was lying to his other partner... and I just don’t want to associate with people that start shit when I have enough going on... I asked if she actually loves this guy... and when she said no, then I told her we can talk more about him when that’s the case... she said that she understood and that it made sense... if she falls in love with him, we can talk... then she asked to play her nerd games... so we watched Secretary naked while playing DC Deck Building... one of her little nerd games that I actually enjoy...

She said that she really wished she could bite me without repercussions... I thought on it and then gave her a two hour window of time where she could do whatever she wanted with me without fear of retribution... so she bit me, spanked me, scratched me everywhere (the only thing I didn’t like)... it was actually really tame for the way she always talks... we still had about 30 minutes left and she still hadn’t done anything sexual, which surprised me since that is where most people want to use me most... so I contemplated offering to eat her out... I have been thinking about trying that out again and I figured that it was as risky for me to eat her out as for Daddy to fuck her anally without a condom... but I started playing with her pussy instead.

It was soft and wet... as my fingers moved, she decided she wanted a vibrator on her clit as well. I fingered her to orgasm and I remembered how beautiful she was having that orgasm under the stars with her toes being sucked on long ago... maybe I can make this work... for my Master... maybe she is worth it...

Friday Fuckery

Soooo... when Daddy Master is at work, he loves hearing about me being a slutty little wife. I have a lovely friend who lets me give him BJs and backscratches when our schedules align and I’m feeling frisky. Yesterday, after getting my nails done, I picked him up from where his car was getting work done and he took me to a lovely cafe. We talked about his dad, an adventure he had in Vegas, the loss of a friend, whose mother was 90 and still alive... he asked, could you imagine what it would be like to have to bury your child... and then our eyes locked... and he said... that’s right, you don’t have to imagine... that happened to you...

I blinked... and said, so true... it did... is it bad that I envy her because she doesn’t have that long to live with that... I’m only 35... it’s already been 3 years... and whew... grief sucks!!

Then I smiled, and said, but that’s life... and he smiled back and asked if I was ready for dessert... I was, so we got ready to leave. On the way back to his place, we found out his car was done, so I dropped him off to get his car and met him at his house... texting Daddy a pic of his naughty lil trophy wife, tits out, in the cafe bathroom...

Once in the house, he went to the bathroom to freshen up... I love that he always cleans his cock right before I suck it... like he’s preparing a feast for me... He calls me to his room, and he’s laying on the bed, pants off, dick flaccid... he always apologizes for it, but I love it... I love that my mouth is totally responsible for getting him hard and getting him off. I laid down on his legs, kind of entangling myself... and then I sucked... mmmmm... and he asked me questions... called me naughty... told me I was sucking it so good... and then he came for me... mmmmmmmmmm... and then he let me make him giggle with extra sucking, even though he is super sensitive after he cums...

He hopped off the bed quickly and pulled off his shirt. Then lay face down on the bed for a nice long backscratch as we talked about life and plans for the rest of the weekend. I think he likes the backscratch time more than the BJs sometimes. His brother could possibly be coming by. I actually had a fully kid free night planned with Master Daddy, which never happens anymore... not with 9 people living here... I looked at the clock and the time flew by. I had to leave because I needed to get back to the house to get the kids off the bus... lil naughty housewife!!

Getting the kids off the bus and over to my sister was delayed and stressed by my disrespectful 13 year old niece who recently moved in during the school week primarily while my sister gets on her feet and gets her back surgeries done. I could rant all day about the joys of dealing with a teen, but I really don’t want to fill my sexy fun blog with that headache... lol... but I did get the kids out of the house for my fun night with My PapaBear.

We hung out at home and drank booze, smoked weed, and watched Impractical Jokers on Netflix... a legitimate Netflix and Chill night, lol... with me mostly naked (stupid period... grumble grumble)... Daddy gave me some spankings for being such a dirty girl and sucking my friends cock like a naughty lil whore. As he spanked me, my pussy got so wet... I sucked Daddy’s cock and my mind slipped into the moment. I know that I served him drinks and food as we giggled over our shows and I just continued sucking his cock. I know that we ended up messy fucking in bed by the end of the night, which I don’t normally do... I don’t usually have sex on my period... all that blood... but we did... I was just listening to Daddy... I was lost in my Master... He said that when he was done using me, I passed right out. He usually fucks me until I pass out... but that’s kinda what you gotta do to a succubus sometimes... mmmmmmm...

Ropety Headspace

With a sitter in place for after school, my sister (lol), I carved out about a 5 hour block of time for a date day with Sire. He picked me up after he finished his classes for the day and we headed out to lunch. I needed to eat, but the princess stole my food, so Sire took me Chili’s and the food and waitress were yummy. We chatted about his aptitude for school and my discovery of the importance of words over the last few days. Frustrated by my period, but excited by the discovery, we headed back to his place.

Once there, I went outside and smoked a bowl of my new fave, Mr. Clean. It helps me calm my mind and all of the thoughts that race through. It almost quiets everyone... kind of muffles them... so that I only need to focus on one thought line at a time. I walked into the house and found Sire in the rope room tying and sorting through rope. After undressing to my panties (grumble grumble), I lay on the floor behind him, gently stretching and listening to him sort through the rope, as if they were little people, being addressed... I smiled at the thought of all the little rope people we could potentially unwind just for our amusement and away I slipped into that lovely place where I actually relax and release control...

Sire looked me over and started tying my right arm... I watched as he wove it into an intricate kind of wing, elbow bent and restricting my reach... I wobbled my wing a little and rested my hand on my right breast. Feeling my heart pulse under my hand, we kissed deeply. He started talking about rope and my legs and I agreed... hearing ropety rope rope legs ropety rope futomomo ropety... lol (not really.. I know I was totally focused while we were talking, but kinda because when I think back, it all blurs into ropety rope rope). As he started wrapping both of my legs, the rope sliding along my body started making me giggle... it was tickling me, giving me goosebumps... it felt good to focus on, so I closed my eyes and rested my left hand on my soft tummy, rising and falling with my breath. Suddenly, I was meditating in a comfy rope space... vibing on the energy and the flow...

I opened my eyes and Sire was just finishing up a tie. He noticed me watching and we started to talk about chastity and celibacy and the ebb and flows of needs... he showed me his heart and the thoughts in his mind surrounding my need to heal... and I am so grateful for the amazing lives that I have attracted in my life... then we started talking about the power of words again and he started dirty talking fantasy ass fucking with me. It’s a game we used to play when we were dating back in the day. Then I started asking if he wanted to fuck my face and he said yes... so then I asked if he was going to fuck my face and he said yes as I massaged his dick with my hand... and then he pulled off his shorts and started to fuck my face.

Then he found out about the true depth of my cock sucking enjoyment and power... I can suck on a cock forever... especially a standard issue white boy cock... I can suck on that for days in the right position... just curled up, head resting on a leg or in a lap, cock in my mouth, continually sucking... I have actually fallen asleep still sucking my Master’s cock... with Sire’s ability to have multiple orgasms, the cock sucking went on for quite a while... he ended up tapping out, twice... lol... a dick gets pretty sensitive the more it is played with. He did make it through 3 position changes though, lol, and then rope had to eventually come off when I needed to go potty... and I didn’t even think to get pictures (grumble grumble), but we had some good times for sure.

Words

Oh, the power of words... it’s almost like I forget how powerful these words are as I write them onto the page... or, in my case, into my phone, lol... but they are. They can transport me quickly to a scene... to an experience... to a reminder... to a memory... to a feeling...

In searching for my lost sexuality... literally how it feels at this moment... I have rediscovered my favorite ways to get myself excited and horny... reading through blogs on topics regarding anything D/s immediately gets me hot and bothered... and don’t forget about the amazing authors that are available to read through K&P on Fetlife... google it if you don’t know what it is... it’s worth it... some of those authors whisper in my ear and take me over when I’m reading what they say... and I almost feel that familiar sub space fog entering my mind... taking me over... bringing me peace. When I don’t feel like working on my chores, reading words from a Dominant can legitimately put me in the headspace I enjoy to make better choices and decisions for my life.

But nothing is as wonderful as a one on one sext conversation. I had forgotten the lost art of sexting... I have been camming so much that I forgot how much I enjoy playing with someone who wants the fantasy of me in words ... until a couple of days ago... this random gentleman sent me a message after a friend request that set us off on a fun and playful sext conversation... we had fun teasing each other throughout the day and I talked to my Master about it. He liked the mood it put me in... then the next day, we continued the playful banter... I would eagerly await the next message to see if the carefully crafted words I have sent have hit the spot... and then, his response took me to the next level with an immediate reward for my words back... oh the dance... and my mood was good and I actually felt like I wanted sex... but I am cramping... stupid being a woman thing that happens once a month... but to discover that again... to finally remember what makes my pussy so wet that I want to stuff things into it with abandon is kinda priceless.

The words... they have the power to move me... to shape me... to shift me...

Low

Everything in life seems perfect. Looking at my life, so many of my plans and goals have been fulfilled. I am on a meandering path to those next big things... like a new house... and everything is working out for me... for us...

So why would do I feel so low... I mean, let’s face it... it could be that my new emotional set point is so low because it has only been 3 years since he died... since I was robbed of a huge future that I had been planning... planning on... and all my plans since then have had no life and no flavor to them. I am hurting... always hurting on the layer just beneath the surface. Tears seeping out of my eyes during yoga or while someone talks about the Endocrine System in a consultation...  I’m sure that’s a part of it.

This deep depression is seeping into my bones... I’m drawing inward and becoming a bit of a recluse again. I think my nature is to burrow inward... into my self... into my space... into my home. I need to heal... but do you ever heal from the loss of a child, when you are reminded every day that the future you planned for is gone. It can NEVER happen. It will NEVER be... so what is the point... why dream?

Daddy’s Rope

After Daddy and I got back from visiting with family, Daddy offered to tie me up with rope! He took me into the room after directing me to go lay out some rope... I had laid out 2 bundles for play. He smirked as he looked at them, asking if that was all the rope I wanted. I blushed and told him that I got out the amount that he usually used...As he tied me up, I felt owned, solid, loved, here... he tied me to this life and I could not get enough. He told me that he liked rope, but didn’t feel like he was intricate enough for me. I told him that I just love rope... he said he knows, but that he also knows what his exhibitionist wife really likes as well. I was starting to lose track of the conversation as the waist rope was tightening and making breathing a focused activity. As he was finishing off the tie, he commented that a third length would have looked really good right here and touched my ribs... I giggled and stared at him, wide eyed... I was in that heady rope space.

When he walked out of the room to sit back on the couch, I followed closely and nuzzled against his shoulder. He handed me his cup and commented on how we might be able to start purchasing rope bundles since we loaned most of ours out here and there and dont have a whole lot left. I smiled and got him a VodkaDew. I was dreaming, right? Did my Master actually say that he wanted to buy rope? I made sure his beverages were flowing and opened a nutty bar for him, which he commanded. The waist rope was so tight that I had to sit very straight to breathe comfortably, which really shifted my mindset as well. As we watched TV shows and relaxed on the couch, I felt at peace.

Later, Daddy undid my waist rope, but left my hip harnesses on. It was soooo tight and it left beautiful rope marks that felt tender to the touch. He went outside and I lay, meditating in my Daddy’s warmth, love, and rope. The space was serene and it felt like a blink of an eye with Daddy opening the door. He stripped off my hip harness so I could go to bed since it was pretty late. I requested to please him, but he cuddled and snuggled me instead, saying that he wanted it but he also wanted to give his lil pussy a break... that he knew it needed a break... he could tell something was off...  and that if he fucked me again, he knew I was going to start getting whiny or bitchy about it as well...  So I cuddled and snuggled Him back... my Master... my Owner... my Big Protector... even when he is protecting me from himself. These moments are the ones that remind me that this man is willing to do anything for me... it’s moments like these that make it easy for me to serve him and for me to call him Master.

Strange Couple

Tired of fucking myself with dildos, I decided to take a break today... I used that time to go see my Sire. I hate driving, but his body was too sore from the night before for him to want to drive to get me. So I offered a massage and drove over to connect. He texted about how strange of a couple we are, that I would seek him out to give my pussy a break...

I hadn’t really thought of it like that... I hadn’t seen our relationship as strange, but I guess I can understand that perspective... It is definitely different from relationships I have had in the past. Usually, I throw my pussy into the ring right away... but I mean, vaginal sex just doesn’t hold appeal to me... it was just something I thought I needed to do to satisfy the man I love so he wouldn’t leave me (abandonment issues on lock)...

Sometimes, I start to wonder if I’m asexual, but then my good feels around BJs, fingering, and anal tell me that the act of sex is just something I find uncomfortable... kind of like having my pussy eaten. I wonder if my childhood trauma has fucked up my mental and emotional feelings surrounding vaginal play. It makes me feel like the recent abuse uncovery has impacted me much deeper than I originally realized. I also used to fantasize about eating pussy, but now, the thought creeps me out...

So ya... I guess I am strange... any relationship with me will be strange, I guess...

Wasn’t planning on writing all that, lol, but apparently I hit a pocket of feeling. I love when it pours out like that and I have to read what I wrote to understand my own feelings, lol... (eye roll with sarcasm on that last sentence)...

Anyways, so I got to Sire’s and lit a bowl. Then, I gave him my famous back rub and worked out some knots in his lower back. After, we cuddled and made out. He told me of his fart box tongue punch trophy and I told him about working through my childhood abuse. He talked of how he could write me more and I would love that. I am hoping as I continue down this path, I can love everything about who I am and truly heal through acceptance of myself. After a while, it was time for me to go back home.

Playtime for Mistress Foxy

My dogs started barking and I knew he was here... I slipped on my 7-inch stilettos and walked over to the door, dressed in a black leather Domme style corset and a black tutu... no panties...

When I opened it, my boy looked happy and ready. It had been weeks since I played with him last and he fills a need for me that I don’t even understand... I love taking the time to massage his body and warm him up before I play... I also feel like his body craves a kind and gentle touch... love and peace and caring, wrapped in the warmth of my hands and my ass... My boy groans face down as I press my ass cheeks into the small of his back and the sounds get me wet... Knowing that my comfort brings him such peace in his otherwise restless world makes me feel good and let’s my body relax more. The music I have on starts turning me on more... sexy music makes me feel sexy...

I rolled him over and tied down his hands and made him watch as I massaged his feet with my pussy and ass in view, lightly moving to the beat of the music... framed by the tutu, he commented on the beauty of the sight and that is when I should have sat on his face!!!! But I didn’t even think about it cuz I’m used to all my men having facial hair, lol... so instead, I blindfolded him and started to play...

First, I tied up his cock with my rainbow rope, lol... I love the pinks and purples that show as I smack, scratch, cane, and wartenburg wheel his cock and balls... I love the noises he makes... I love switching it up with this purple feather I have that makes him relax until I catch him by surprise again... I was extra bratty with it today because he got sick the last time we were supposed to hang out. His cock looked tortured and enflamed, so I pulled the rope off hard and quick (visual of a cock jerking and spasming as the rope unwinds... always cracks me up).

Next, I unfastened a leg, crossed it over his body and tied his ankle to his wrist. Then, I took my anal toy, lubed it up and started to fuck him with it. When his chest shuttered, I lubed my hand and played with his cock... he told me he was going to cum, so I quickly stuck the tip in my mouth to drink the cum... then, I sucked a lil longer as he begged me to stop... it was too sensitive... lol... well, next time, don’t make me wait so long to play, fucker 😜

Then I untied him and we talked and connected... shared space and time for those moments... and then he had to go... back to his busy world... while I went back to mine and got a mani-pedi... oh the life of an owned fox. So thankful that my Master Daddy lets me play with others, especially when it comes to the things He doesn’t enjoy 😁

Morning Daddy!!

So my Daddy Master started a new job yesterday and it felt amazing to step back into our routine. It felt refreshing and good to follow a morning routine to help my hubby go support our family. We have started implementing rules and behaviors again to help me get back to the woman I want to be.

I wake up an hour before him and get showered before doing a meditation. After I make sure his clothes are ready for the day, I start blowing him to wake him up gently without an alarm. Get him off and then over to the shower. While he showers, I make him a yummy egg burrito and a sandwich for lunch. After his shower, I get to help him dress and get ready for his day.

Once he goes to work, I kinda feel a little lost and a little anxious and a little strange, but that will dissipate as I figure things out... I now kind of feel like the stay at home housewife I have kind of always wanted to be... how do I be the best housewife for my family now that my hubby and our girlfriend both work outside the home?! I need to learn so much about taking care of a home!

Enjoying the Scenic Route

I have never taken my time with a man... until now... and I am so grateful that my Sire allows me this blessing of really enjoying all of the pieces of innocence to abandon... but I feel like some kind of explanation is needed as to my choices in my life right now on this scenic route with him. 

I have recently been exploring taking back my vagina... 

You see, as a very small child, I was repeatedly molested and abused... and when I got to adolescence, I quickly gave my ‘virginity’ away to my first long term boyfriend the first time he asked for it... then, as an adult, I serially fucked every man (pretty much) on the first date.... so there was never a chase... a courting period... a romance... I gave everything away so quickly to those around me that I often was hurt and taken advantage of... my opinions were disregarded and my limits were broken... I recently found out that this abuse went far deeper than I remembered and new memories surfaced causing me to seek chastity to reclaim myself...

Chastity?!? The sexy fox that fucks and sucks with a passion that is insane... yes... extreme trauma sometimes calls for extreme measures to force healing... Do we know me as someone to wait for things to unfold naturally when I can help it along? No... I didn’t think so.

After setting up my perfect plan for Master to be cared for, I started my chastity exploration... and then, the plan wasn’t so perfect... 

I love my Master dearly and have given away many things to ensure his happiness in this life... With the plan not working, I made myself available for fucking again as needed. It is my duty as his wife and slave to ensure that he is well taken care of and can cum regularly. I was able to have 1.5 months of chastity before I offered myself back to my Master. I am not really ready from an emotional level to explore love + sex at this time and honestly, my pussy doesn’t get excited by it... I am way more excited by the tease and a blowjob than I am by the act of sex. 

I am so blessed to have someone who will turn me into his dirty little whore and fuck me until I don’t feel like I exist because of the space He lays me into. Thank you Master, for accepting my submission and taking what you need from me. It makes me happy to serve you in this way!

I am so blessed to have someone who will let me revel in what feels the most amazing to my body until I feel like the only thing that exists because of the space he lifts me into. Thank you Sire, for accepting my dominance and giving me what I need. It makes me happy to be served in this way!

Healthy happy balance... and through balance, comes healing... in my experience.

Penis Rope

So... I tied up my Daddy’s dick with this rope I had and he did not like it... lol...

My Twisted Head

My head is suddenly twisted... I am falling through my thoughts... trying to open the doors in my head and heart to be the best version of me... writing usually unlocks these for me, so here I am...

After an amazing rope session with my Sire, I got back home and suddenly felt sad and lost... maybe unfulfilled... my submissive side is craving a truly dominant influence now that my dominant side has been satiated through my control in my relationship with Sire... so I snuggled into my Daddy... knowing that I needed something, but not knowing what I needed at the time... I am only now able to articulate my feelings by sitting down and writing about it now, lol... that is so frustrating but also enlightening...

I told him that I needed Him and he choked me out... and that helped... a little with the tension that was building in my head... when I start fighting with myself, my migraines flair... but it wasn’t what I needed... and unfortunately, I don’t know what I need!! I just can’t figure it out and I am past frustrated with it...

Maybe I need a good beating or some orders to follow... maybe I need to beat some ass... maybe I wish my protective side would stay away cuz I am so safe that she isn’t needed.... maybe I just need to feel safe... that made my eyes tear up, so that’s a step in a direction... fuck...

Memory lane

It’s so hard to live in the present right now... with the wonderful reminders that social media provides, I am walking down a memory lane from hell... 3 years ago, I watched my sons life come to a close... today, three years ago, is when I found out that my son was not going to make it... today was the day that I found out that we were out of viable options to save him... I spent the first 30 minutes of today crying...

But life keeps moving... a blessing and a curse... and I’ve got to dry my eyes, get my toys, and prepare myself to play with a bunch of freaky friends online... the life of a cam girl...

The Tease

Rope!! I got rope again and man did I need it. I have been in an interesting head space lately and it has really been messing with me. I needed more grounding, and who better to give it to me than one of the men I love. Sire and I chatted on the way over to his place about life and things.

When we got there, he recreated our first memory in rope. It was so fun! To be tied, caught as a prisoner in red rope again, like the first time he tied me... it was nostalgic... then on to another tie, recreating a fun picture moment from the past. I ended up in a rope bikini before we retired to a lovely make out session on the bed.

Then, he gently guided my hand to his cock and I had a shift within me. My initial plans were to play in rope, cuddle, then move to a blow job... kinda my thing... but once he took the initiative, my original plans melted away and a new plan emerged. I am not the quiet little submissive I once was... so I teased... I mercilessly and gracefully teased... holding his cock in my hand, no blow job in site...

Then, it was time to go. On the ride home, I recognized the shift and Sire and I were able to discuss and talk about it. In the car, I asked if he wanted me to be naughty. He thought road head, but I dipped my fingers into my pussy instead and placed my wet dripping fingers in his mouth. All he wanted at that moment was to fuck the naughty lil bitch in his truck.

When he dropped me off at home, we joked about the fact that this bitch didn’t even give him a BJ and we burst out laughing about it. I can’t wait to see what our next play session holds.

Anticipation

Love abounds in my life and yet my heart is still heavy and my head is still lost. My center escapes me and this experiment in chastity is delightful and difficult at the same time. The deliciousness of the wanting, craving, pulling and the frustration in telling my body, not today... a new kind of torture, but one that will create another future heaven between my thighs... I have always been phenomenal at putting a plan into motion and watching it play out...

Is masturbating cheating on chastity? I don’t think so... it takes away some of the edge, but also creates a deeper need... hmmm, what will it be like to break this seal?

I was doing this deep memory regression hypnosis thing the other day and my first happy memory included a tingling in my pussy... my self reflection and study is bringing me back to a connection within my core... and the sexual energy and sexuality that is me... as my Daddy finger fucks me, I grind against it and orgasm, and I actually enjoy it... the feeling, the energy, the experience...

That Door is my Bitch!

I have finally figured out how to forgive and love unconditionally while still using discernment to determine who belongs in my life. I was able to finally cut my biological mother’s hold on me, loving her where she is at, but not allowing her back into my life situation. Her manipulation is not welcome in the halls of my mind.

That being said, I have reviewed the relationships I had in the past that ended because of rules I no longer held more dear than love... Forward momentum is sexy... growth is intriguing... people make mistakes and mistakes are forgivable... as long as I’m happy, then the connection is good for me... it will help me stay in a positive place, which is where I need to stay to continue to build the life of my dreams.

Yesterday started with fixing a door... I needed to fix the threshold on my back door and Sire came over to help... the same Sire from ago... and man, did we fix that door... the bitch of a thing fought back tremendously, but after 4 trips to the Home Depot and 7 hours, we made that door my bitch! We had recently discussed bringing romance back into our friendship and I am so glad that everything aligned in such a way that we could give that a try. Kissing in the kitchen at his place when we went to collect more tools happened naturally and felt right. A naughty feeling make out session when trying to determine where to cut the spots for the door latches... A sense of accomplishment and longing when the project was finished and he had to go.

Then, I took a shower and Daddy came home and asked what I was still doing there... He thought I was going to be out hanging with Sire after everything he helped me with. So I messaged Sire and we went out for a lovely steak dinner and wonderful evening of companionship. When I came home, Daddy and I cuddled and caught up on a lil bit of our show together. Then he fucked the princess... oh my goodness, life is just perfect right now!!

We’re BACK and better than ever!!

Oh my goodness! Our first party night at our local dungeon and it couldn’t have gone any better. It started with the princess socializing and Daddy and I walking around and watching  a few scenes... ideas ran through my head for the next time. I already had our scene for tonight picked out, thank goodness. I knew I wanted a deep tissue massage where I could yell obscenities when she really dug into the tight and sore muscles. She wanted to hit my butt with the ball mallets and I was down with that.

As I set up this interesting table for my massage, Daddy started playing with my pussy and let me grind on his pants. We are playing around with chastity right now so he doesn’t get to fuck me for 6 months. It started out as a birthday/anniversary present to the princess and has quickly taught me how much I enjoy teasing. I love getting him excited and hard to go fuck another woman... it’s hot!

Then, I gave Daddy a blow job as I took off his pants and prepped him to fuck the princess. Once it was hard, I grabbed his cock and led my amazing “fuck boy” to pound the princess for a great back massage. He fucked her good and hard in front of everyone while I flogged her gently on her beautiful breasts, tweaking her gumdrop nipples from time to time. When she begged to cum, he commanded her to and she fell... it was beautiful!

I looked around and my eyes stopped on the empty St. Andrews Cross. We moved everything effortlessly... well, for me anyway... I just directed and Daddy and the princess set it up for me. We tied the princess to the cross and I got to have fun. I flogged her, whapped her, whipped her and paddled her hard at the very end... I made her bleed... dirty whore has to be fluid bonded to everything around her, lol... so mouthy, I need a better gag.

Prostate Play

So, my unicorn just got back from vacation and man, have I missed him... the only thing that sucks right now is how limited our time together actually is... I cannot wait until the kids are back in school and we have a bit more time together. He seems to appreciate my loving brand of dominance... I know I definitely appreciated the faces he was making when I tried a prostate massage for the first time, lol...

A new play toy!

I think I found him!! The one!! Or should I say the next one, lol... his heart center felt comfortable and warm and fulfilling. His story, his passion, his progression... his readiness for something new... our breakfast was amazing! The time slipped by as we both chatted and found things we connected on... and then, the decision to move forward.

He was a gentleman. Polite, honest, forthcoming, understanding, and aware... he can see the benefits I have to offer in all of my strengths... not just my beauty... this means so much to me... especially as my life progresses...

My decision to take this the next step further ended up with us in a hotel room chatting and talking and coming to an agreement on our boundaries from a sexual and play perspective... I have found that I really have no need for a vanilla boyfriend... I have my Daddy Dom at home and my subbyish playtoys out and about... and my needs are fulfilled... I feel whole again... like all of me is able to experience, which is something I haven’t been able to say for a while.

I had him undress as I stripped my gorgeous dress off, staying in my bra and panties for visual effect. I then blindfolded him and had him lay face down for a famous Foxy Massage. As I massaged his back with my ass, his groans told me I was doing it right... I wanted him relaxed before I started my torture and abuse... I stretched and massaged his feet and his breathing slowed and his energy calmed... so I had him roll over so he was face up and I tied down 3 of his limbs... until we build trust, I will give him the reassurance of being able to untie himself by leaving a hand free.

Once he was secured, I took off my bra, cuz everyone knows I prefer naked... panties stayed on cuz of shark week... and I grabbed my toys. I brought tiny cock tying rope, a riding crop, and a wartenberg wheel and I used all 3... and it was perfect... I made his cock look like a pretty rainbow unicorn horn! It was gorgeous!! He calls me Boss... I’ve got to figure out what nickname I should give him in here...

We cuddled and talked afterwards... it was perfect... absolutely perfect... except that the room was too warm after all that play and I didn’t get to set it up right since it was a spur of the moment decision.. the next time will be better...

The boy

There is this boy who has recently stepped up his game and is sending me pics... they are almost exactly what I am looking for... still waiting to officially own because proof and consistency over time is required... gotta make sure they are in it, all of it, for the long haul... but this one sure is promising

Light Enough

Everything around me keeps falling through
It’s like the universe is laughing at me
Testing me to see if I am ready for my next level
Tempting me again to flee.

I’m standing at this precipice
With my arms opened so wide
Crying, reaching, grasping for more love
To fill a gaping hole left inside.

Nothing is wrong at reaching for more love
Especially when you can share it with another
I’m carefully crafting my life to ensure
I also remain a good mother.

My life is so different
Than what I thought it was going to be
I was supposed to live in Holland
But a free pass for Paris came to me.

And when I say free, I paid,
I paid with the tears I continue to randomly cry
But hey, freedom is freedom, right?
But what if I’m not light enough yet to fly?

The Doctor

Sitting here... contemplating what it will finally be like to meet him... we have been texting each other for a month... and not just here and there, but every day... even while he was on vacation and when he was working in another state... it feels real... I have my fingers crossed that it is just as real in person. I’ll have to write about it when it happens.

He was there in support through a couple of bigger things in my life over this last month, which was a great thing to see. Also, when things didn’t seem to align, he continued to message back and forth with me until it was resolved. I enjoy a person who is not willing to give up so easily.

I just keep asking the universe for a man who wants to help take care of me and my family and is okay with my Daddy’s role in my life. He supports and protects me and wants to be a part of everything in my life, at least to some degree... especially when it comes to first experiences.

Transitions

It’s hard to continue typing and sharing during times of transition... people coming in and out of my life right now... waiting to see which ones stick. I shall continue to hold true to myself and what I want. I will continue to focus on my heart and creating the life I want. The right people will fall into place. I have to trust that.... I have to trust that the universe will give me the puzzle pieces I am looking for... only time will tell.

These bois!

As a slave, one thing I didn’t really do was question my Master... I learned really early on that I should just listen and do what he told me to do as everything would be much smoother... I am noticing that even when I am being sought out to give direction, my direction is not followed and is even questioned... I don’t give a flying fuck if you’ve never done that before... if you belong to me and it isn’t a hard limit, just fucking listen and do what I want... or stop seeking my domination...  I am wanting to meet in person, but already know that I won’t be meeting up with those that can’t even follow basic instructions... these bois... lol

Get me wet... ahem, I mean make my pussy tingle

Met up with a good friend of mine yesterday in the early a.m... this man is getting me addicted to his energy. He is teaching me about the value of my service through gifts of money, which actually makes my pussy feel all tingly... I never knew how turned on money or things could make me because I have had a broke mindset for a while now based on my own limited beliefs... I was so used to getting scraps that I didn’t understand that another option was available and I actually had a lot of negative feelings about money...  now that I have an overflowing abundance of income, I am starting to experience the joys that come with abundance.

I deserve all the best things in life, especially joy and abundance, and I am already starting to meet others who agree and have the means to help me while I continue to build my own business and fortune so I can have the extra now and still provide for my family.

He is also teaching me that my level of service and the giving I provide is so powerful and rare... the understanding that I co-create the dominant energy within him based on my submissive offering is intoxicating and is also helping me understand how my energy flow affects those around me. He is helping me escape the belief that liking to do things for others is only a submissive trait... As an Alpha or Domme, I should want to protect and serve those in my care, so caring doesn’t equal submission... This knowledge is huge and has created a shift in my awareness and understanding of myself.

What if I use all of my knowledge, power, compassion, and strength to focus and create everything I want in life through dominance instead of submission? This was a thought I had not explored until recently and I am really happy I am exploring this path. Thinking about gifting someone with my service after I have used them the way I want makes my pussy tingle... interesting aside... submitting through acts of service alone no longer does that for me, which is new.

He gives me rope, which we all know that I enjoy. I am going to say that rope hasn’t made my pussy tingle in a long time. It is more of a mental quieter or meditation practice for me now... and yesterday, he gave me pain upon my request as I am wanting to work on building a tolerance while also learning how to build a tolerance within someone else. I always find that the best way to learn something is to do it myself first. I will say that the pain did not tingle my pussy at all. It actually made my pussy want to shrivel up and die... lol, but I will experience this to understand what I will be doing to my future sweeties! So what did we do... well... I’ll leave that to your imagination this time... let’s just say that my whole body hurts today, lol... but it hurts soooooo good.

On a side note, on this path of exploration, I’ll be keeping track of the things that actually make my pussy get tingly and excited... I can no longer use getting wet as a gauge because my Daddy has trained my pussy to always be wet, lol.

List of Pussy Tingling Things so far:
Professional men in lacy panties (secret sissies are causing me to create a lil personal porn stash)
CBT that causes giggles during POT
Provide service to my used sweetie pies
Money
Getting random presents in the mail that I can show off
Getting play markings that I can show off
Words
Being taken care before anyone else

Something New

Being me is really very interesting because I can see and experience things from many different angles... last night was an amazing new adventure. I tried to go on a date, lol, with this gentleman... let’s call him The Hat. We tried to meet up at a nearby sports bar, but it was closed for a private party... so then, we went to a Starbucks nearby and it was also closed! He seemed nice enough and we had been chatting, so I invited myself to his place to hang out and chat. He treated me right, opened the door for me, smoked me out, and let me do my thing...

Can I just say that I love giving blow jobs, especially when I am stoned... I am very orally fixated... and I just go to town... and he loved it... praises rained down on me as I took care of him... it was amazing... I have a feeling we will play again and again...

The conversation was fun and delightful. He asked me how I could be so easy and affectionate and made me giggle about an easy “pill”... it was a clear space without drama or responsibilities or a care in the world... it gave me that taste of peace that I crave... now I know the feeling I am pushing for... looking forward to seeing The Hat again 😁

Reminiscing My Queen

I keep opening this page to write and then everything I write seems of little consequence as life is just a bit too heavy again... nothing wants to hit the paper right... none of this even sounds like it’s worth writing, but I’m here, so hey...

Maybe I should just think back on fun times and reminisce for a moment... I remember when she took me to get my hair dyed... from my bright Roller Derby Red to a sensible black with purple streaks... purple was a favorite of hers...

Or maybe our first play session... silly and fun and playful... I remember fucking up the timer and her getting a much longer massage than me... not a problem for My Queen, lol... and I remember the first time she swung a flogger on me... so cute and delicate... like a 1 on a scale of 1-10... got her to a 3 before she decided she didn’t really want to inflict any pain with it... she always had a plan and was very good at executing her plans... and helping everyone else get on board to make sure it worked.

Oh, and the taste of her... delicate and delicious... I could have eaten her for hours... for days even... can’t forget about that...

When we split, it was heartbreaking... a lot of things were out of our control at the time and there really wasn’t an opportunity to regain that control until after my son passed and then, lets face it, I wasn’t even the same person anymore... I just didn’t work for what she needed in her life and I had to accept that my place was as a friend and nothing more...

And now she’s gone... the hope I was holding onto is officially gone... my heart bleeds for the loss of such a beautiful creature... and my tears continue to fall...

Death of my Queen

After work on Saturday, my Daddy sat me down and told me what he heard from his mom about the death of my Queen... gone... gone forever from this world and my future embrace... one hope still held onto against all odds was that I would be able to serve her again... but alas... it was not to be... shut down... broken... wailing... no way to help... no way to connect without breaking chains I am not allowed to break... tied... tied so tight against my will that my heart is shattering over and over and the world does not feel right...

What do I want?

What do I want... what do I want... getting asked this a lot lately in some of my extracurricular relationships and it is such a fucking hard thing for me to figure out... what do I want to do... what do I want done to me... most of the time, my answer is that it will depend on what’s going on at the time... I am very adventurous, but I don’t always know what I want right away... I’m so indecisive, because, let’s face it, when everything needs to be voted on by a council of queens, it starts to get annoying to honk about what I want cuz someone has always had something to say about it... until yesterday...

I don’t know how to explain it, but everything seems like it is very settled... everything in me feels at peace... I’m not feeling a war... im not even feeling a peep... everything is so quiet in my mind... not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I’m just gonna roll with it...

Battle Royale

When the commotion in my head becomes too much and feelings won’t make sense, I’m so glad for my PapaBear... he protects and holds me... he gives me a safe space to process... the owner of my heart and asshole, lol...

So, with such feelings jumbling around, I requested time with Daddy just to process and maneuver through what was happening inside with these hurt feelings... many people don’t know, but I live through a personality disorder... forged in my youth as a way to save me from the horrors that were experienced there... my mind compartmentalizes and packages my feelings into distinct personality types... I have been told that I have 4 or 5 alters... as they call them in the psychology books... and this last couple of years has been difficult, but manageable... barely... but I digress...

So when I wrote yesterday, I had started to notice that my feelings were hurt, which means I actually have feelings for her... actual real feelings... like, she has worked so hard and become the girl I am looking for type of feelings... and as soon as I realized that, the battle began... the battle of the voices in my head... I was talking to a good friend about it and I likened it to a council meeting of queens... where each one is just as strong as the one next to her and they all have their own filters, perceptions, wants, and needs... all at war for their beliefs and ideals... with not a lot of concessions or backing down...

It is fascinating and troubling and annoying all at the same time, my mind... but at the end of the day, I was able to take a step forward and release the baggage... release the frustration... drop the anger... and truly embrace the new princess that has walked into my life... the one who persevered through every roadblock I placed gently or aggressively in her way... the one who stood in the fire and the flame and never left... hopefully, she feels like all of it was worth it... she has finally earned the right to be my princess as well... not just His...

And can I just say that already, we are adorable... I am stupid shy when it comes to women showing an interest in me and she is crazy awkward around anyone she is attracted to, so it’s pretty hilarious... been in the same household for 2 years and still fumbling around each other... lol... I’m excited for this new phase.

Hurt Feelings

It has been a long time since I have really had my feelings hurt... let’s just say that in my infinite wisdom, my brain and heart automatically put up a field around my feeling so they don’t get hurt about 2 years ago... I don’t even understand these emotions and feelings about 80% of the time... so the other day when the princess said that sometimes, it’s hard to see the blessings in interacting with me, I was surprised at how my chest felt... I thought I had finally become impervious to any of the words that could fall out of her mouth... but no... I am not... words can and do hurt me still... of course, I lashed back out and asked her if she thought it was easy for me to find blessings... I need to get better control... If I’m actively focused on my dominance, I can’t let anything cause me to interact in a way that doesn’t suit me and the woman I am.

So instead of bottling, I spoke up... this was after we had already had a long day... after we had a very  different food prep than normal... Daddy reassured me that I am always a blessing for him... Honestly, I can’t remember what she said anymore... my brain just stopped listening as tears streamed down my face in the dark and it started processing all of the feels right then... what I learned is that I am starting to care about how she feels about me and I’m not sure how to feel about that... I have tried my best to block myself from feeling anything for her... but the 2 years is almost up and my walls are wavering... is it bad that I just want to sit and see how this goes... see if she can wait for me... or see if her lack of patience at the end of the journey fucks this all up...

As I check in with myself, I can feel that while I am waiting to see how this all plays out, one part of me is rooting for her to fail, while the rest are all rooting for her success. I was pleasantly surprised by that consensus... but it makes sense... I am a good and just person and of course I would want to see her succeed and for our family to exist in the perfect way it was meant to... you know, if I was more like Jesus, lol... I was really fucking surprised that one of my most challenging aspects is hoping to see her cross the finish line... but just barely... on her knees, with one hand outstretched to cross the line... and even more surprised by the side of me that is rooting for her to fail and to prove that I was right and that she couldn’t make it... cuz then it proves Daddy made a bad choice... lol...

Dominance

I am starting the headlong dive into dominance... researching and reading and devouring knowledge from the internet like a sponge! I love this cycle in any new aspect of life... the drive to really research and understand my new path... the experimentation required to push boundaries of my own and release blocks that I’ve created to “protect” myself... maybe moreso protect this world from me...

As I dive in, I have to pause and truly understand what I am looking for and how this phase will help me... I have so much to learn and part of it is knowing what I want... what the fuck do I want?! I have slowly but surely been learning that I have things I want... and I have things that I need... I have also grown to understand that part of why I need this new phase isn’t only that the previous one no longer works for me, but is also dependent on the fact that my Daddy and the princess will soon be fluid bonded... once that happens, Daddy and I will no longer have sex in our relationship based on my standards for my body... at least, this is the plan...

So I have been exploring cuckholding, which led me to sissification, which led me to femmenization... which is a fun lil rabbit hole for an experimenter like myself... I feel my love for psychology and scientific study and research bubbling back up from below... so freaking excited and on a very high flying disk... for those that study the law of attraction...

So what do I want...
Well, so far, I have...
a good morning pic of a business man in ladies undergarments
A cock that I can play with and manipulate, that only enters my pussy when I want
The ability to experiment in any way I see fit based on my research
Trust built for the long haul
To bite and scratch and torture when I want
To make a man cry out my name as I fuck his ass
To get wet over the fun that he and I have together
Freedom to get anything and everything I want out of this life

So far, that’s what I got... sure the list will grow... cannot wait to figure out my hard and soft limits as a dominant... already know that I am still against vomit, poo, and blood... I have explored a lil more with watersports myself, so I feel like I would not call that a hard limit for giving... still a hard limit for receiving unless we have already done that together at this time... lol... so many stories I get to share from the last few months... squeee!!!

The Deterioration of a Slave

Man!!!!!!! It has been sooooooo long again... it feels like. When I took a look back through the posts, I can see what happened... Life got really really hard for a moment and I wanted to stop recording it down so I didn't get dragged through the emotions of it all again later... when I obsessively re-read my life... looking for clues to how I could make it better... how I fucked things up before... how to grow so that I don't make the same mistakes...

In a nutshell... I have changed again... I am in control of the thoughts I let come through... I am in control of the thoughts I put emotion behind... and if I am in control, then I don't really need a Master to be in charge of me... and then I had to stop and breathe and analyze why I created an M/s dynamic in my marriage and relationship all those years ago and determine if that was truly what I am still looking for in my household.

We make the decisions that we make based on the knowledge we have at the time... at the time, I knew that our lil head butting wasn't going to work with my son's illness... two alpha dominant personalities + severe issues = ended marriages from what I could see... so i found a way to submit to my PapaBear and requested that he dominate me, even though he continued to tell me it wasn't his thing... we changed for each other to make it through the war of a lifetime... and then the war ended and the drama stopped and the curtain closed on that chapter...

Standing, left here after the deterioration of my slave mentality, I see how necessary it was at the time and how unnecessary it is now. I was the Alpha before all of this and I can step up the rest of the way and be the Alpha again. Finding my motivations every day and writing again... whoooooo!!! Now that the back story is out of the way, lets get to the fun!! Life is feeling good and everything is finally progressing forward... but only now that I allow myself to take those steps... only now as I unlock the chains I placed on my own feet for a King who has always wanted to treat me like the Goddess that I truly am... mmmmm... and dear god do I have a lot of stories to share... I mean, that's what happens when you start on a new path within yourself, right?

I am a princess ;-P

This morning, Daddy made a comment about how his princess was up serving him and his slave was in bed expecting service (cuz I told him I wanted him to come back for a goodbye kiss before he left) that I heard from the other room and it made me giggle... I got up and came out, teasingly harassing him about it and put on his socks... then I got up to go back to the room and he teased a lil bit more before beckoning me to sit cradled in his arms on his lap. He cuddled and teased and lightly ran his fingers in gentle circles just to the outside of my areola and it made me vibrate and moan a lil... tender breasts... edging me without release... then whispering a command so I could cum against him...

He is right!! His slave has finally become the goddess he has been calling her to be for years... and the princess is working her service muscle and learning about how to take care of a family, which is no small feat. She is doing well and will soon Master the art of flipping me off with a spoon... so much to teach, oh grasshopper... and I am feeling pampered and happy...

And what’s funny... I’m still doing dishes and setting out his clothes and getting stuff done around the house... I guess I just expect to be treated really well when I have given my all... I guess I just think that I’m at the part in the fairytale story where the last few pieces are lining up and the princess (yes... that’s right... I just called myself a princess) will finally get to live happily ever after... I am excited to be and be happy and feel as though dark clouds have been blown away... blue skies and peace for a season :)

Nipple fantasies

Daddy likes to fuck me in the morning before he goes off to work. He says that he likes to smell like his fox all day... I like to feel owned and wanted and needed... I am amazed at his sexual stamina...

Oh, these nipples and the constant hummm they create in my pussy... thinking about straddling Daddy with his lips lightly pressed on my nipples, blowing on them and bringing me to orgasm... it isn’t taking much to get me there right now... the low hum is impossible to ignore...

I was sitting next to the princess and her hand rested on my thigh and suddenly, I wanted her to take me... I could imagine her fingers in my pussy and her hands on my breasts, lightly caressing them as her lips force my mouth open... you see what this is doing to me... losing all judgement because i am such a sexually needy whore... very sexually charged today...

Just wish I was in Rope...

A ball of nothing

It had been sooooooo long!! You know when your health just doesn’t want to cooperate with your kink? That has been my life for the last 2 months... I have been sick off and on for the last couple of months so it has been too cold to risk an outdoor suspension with all that illness... but, now, finally feeling better, I was able to suspend and it was perfect!!

Sire’s skills as a rigger are becoming quite renowned and so I ended up waiting a while to get tied... on a cold night, it was hard - I may need a fluffer rigger, lol... the nipple piercings lightly brushing against my blankie kept my pussy warm and my mind busy while I waited... I kept imagining myself suspended by Sire and being fucked by my Daddy as the baby rigger released handfuls of feathers from above that lightly caressed my nipples, exciting my already wet pussy until I squirted all over the black mat that was on the floor in the area while the princess took pictures with a fancy camera... wooooo... The nipple piercings are definitely an interesting and sensational addition to my days...

When it was my turn, I kept my pants on and my nipples out. My pussy was wet from the daydream... Sire started with a gunslinger and showed me a new technique he does. I enjoy how much he loves rope and the mechanics and technique of it. He side suspended me and my hamstrings sung for a moment as the pressure really emphasized that last workout I did... I stretched out and found my boundaries and how I could twist and spin... I lightly bent at the hips and twirled perfectly without my toes touching the rig... I tucked my knees in and turned into a spinning ball and then all of a sudden, the space came... I closed my eyes and I was nothing, which allowed me to open everything to myself...

This space, most call subspace, is different for me depending on what I’m doing... my rope headspace is by far the most addictive for me... it really takes away everything... the thoughts, the stress, the past, the future, the worries... the wondering that is always bubbling just under my surface... am I good enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough? Am I everything I should be?.. it wipes all that away and suddenly I am... I just am... I can just be... and existence is everything in this world of nothing...

Wet for piercing?!

I am anticipating the fun I will have at Sir’s hands tonight... I wish I could say that he was tying me with rope or sliding knives along my bare skin... but I’m excited to say that he will be piercing my nipples tonight!!

It has been a while since I have had him at the forefront of my thoughts... life has been tumultuous... but now, as the water stills and the path becomes clear, people come back into my life...

As I sit and write this while hanging out at my fave spot, I can feel my pussy getting wet and warm... anticipating his hands on my breasts again as my Daddy watches... his electric touch and vibrant personality... and then, to give him the control over my nipples to skewer them... the pain and space... the ecstasy... god I am so horny right now... thank goodness I can relieve some of that at work, lol!!

Simmer down foxy... it’s just a nipple piercing...

December

I wrote this in December and never hit post...

This time of year just sucks! I have been sick more often than not and having this stupid Christmas tree constantly reminds me that he is gone... not that I could ever really forget that he is gone... but is just a smack in the face reminder... Most days, I can just put everything I have lost to the side and keep moving forward... some days... quite a few recently... I just can’t...

My mother’s heart cries out in grievance every morning upon waking to the silence that exists within a house without him...My slave heart cries out for the loss of a Master that decided to be a Daddy... My poly heart cries out for pieces that are missing... My entrepreneurial heart just doesn’t have the strength to stomach the disappointment that one must endure to make it to the top anymore... when life is so full of disappointment, why add to the pile... How do i find happiness with all this fucking crying?!

Not sure how much more I can take of this internal struggle or what to even do... my new job is helping a lil with filling the voids...

This is all me and all in my head and I just want an escape... will I find it?

Pet Foxy - Trophy Whore Extraordinaire

You know how everything feels like magic when the deck is shuffled just right and you get the best hand of cards at the table?... that’s how I feel right now... I feel like my head is finally screwed on straight and I can see the potentials for an upgrade in life... it may take us a bit, but we are finally moving in the right direction on all of our goals..

I have settled into my home as a sort of pet... My head really isn’t into serving others right now... I mean... I still love to serve others, but my head just isn’t really attuned to seeing how empty a glass is  anymore, lol. My slave friends totally understand how important that skill truly is ... I think that I learned a lot of amazing skills but i am finding that being a trophy whore (what Master calls me now) is better suited for me... at my new job, I get to help guys that want me all day... very sexually charged environment... but I don’t let any of them touch me and my Master loves it... loves hearing stories about my day and knowing that they all want me, but he is the only one that gets me...

I just love how excited that makes him! Last night, as we cuddled up to sleep and I started to drift, he started lightly petting my pussy. I asked, “Daddy... what are you doing down there?”(cuz he needs rest as he is also overcoming illness) and he said he was just laying down and trying to fall asleep. Then, he slipped his cock in as he placed his hand over my mouth and whispered into my ear, “Shhh baby girl, I just needed my lil trophy whore for my night night meds”... so hot... I love it when he does that to me... plays with my lil and my sexuality at the same time...

Marriage is on point. Kiddos are doing well. Poly is better understood. Mental clarity is focused. Ready for the next big adventure!!

Back at the Wheel

Oh it has been a while... my writing... let’s say it took a back seat to a broken heart and a lot of pain... I am finding my way through that and am back at writing again as of this minute... I missed it... didn’t realize how much...

life seems to have settled down... I have the basic life I want. A couple of jobs I really adore and I make my own hours so I see my kids as much as I want to!! The only thing I feel I am missing is my poly heart... I have not found a way to force myself to love the Princess ... although I would dare to say that we have finally found a good balance within our home between the two of us... very strong personalities and I am just such a big pain in the ass...

I am jut saying... it may be time for me to take some walks back down...