Been a long hard road

Been a while since i posted on here... had a lot of family issues that pulled me away and since they happen quite frequently, it should not have been a surprise that my blog needed to go on hold... but it still was... i enjoy writing and getting my feelings out and the thought of helping someone as other blogs have helped me is pretty cool... i am facing a pretty big conundrum at this point.

i think i finally realized that my Husband and Master is really vanilla at heart. He enjoys the little kink, but doesn't find any value in putting in the effort to Master. He also wants the benefits of owning a slave without any of the responsibility... i am trying to find the silver lining in this situation, but it is really hard... We have been doing our version (apparently my version) of ttwd for a few years now and i am just now figuring out that He really doesn't give a crap about it...

Feeling very frustrated and alone right now... sigh... i don't know where to go from here... i love Him, but i want Him to actually care about the fact that i live to please Him. i also don't want to be taken for granted... sigh...

Changing a life

What if you want to change your life and you can't? For several reasons, i feel like i am stuck, wading through crap because Master doesn't want change... even if it would be better for Him and better for me. Change is so hard for many people... i love change, but hate feeling stagnant. i mourn for the life i want and will never have. It is hard to believe that there was a time when everything was perfect. Our lives were perfect... things can change so fast... people can change fast as well... today, sadness consumes me.

Liebster Award!

Thank you so much for nominating me DelFonte. It took me a little while to get this post together because life has just been difficult lately. i keep thinking that things are getting better and then they don't... lol... hate when that happens...

1. Do you like rollercoaster rides?
i do not. i am actually deathly afraid of them because every time i have been on one, it has broken... true story... even at major theme parks...

2. If you could speak any language in the world (apart from your own) - which would it be?
Spanish. It just makes sense with where i live.

3. What do you like to do on a rainy day?
Sit and read a book with a warm cup of coco...

4. Red or white wine? Or neither?
Neither. i do not drink any alcoholic beverages.

5. What is your favourite (or least hated) kink/spanking implement?
i am really loving the pin wheel... especially when i can't see what is going on.

6. If you could have sex anywhere in the world, where would you want to be?
Hmmmmm... maybe in a nice little apartment in France, lol

7. Your favourite sweet / candy?
Nerds

8. Can you ski?
i have never been skiing, but i think it would be fun to try.

9.  Given a choice between a hot air balloon ride and being in a sailing yacht, which would you choose?
A yacht... i am afraid of heights, so a balloon ride would just scare me.

10. If you have to go to a fancy dress party - what do go as?
Some sort of fairy tale princess in a Victorian gown and a tight corset.

11. If you were a teacher, what would you like to teach?
Math... i love math...

Life happens...

So, when i first starting writing this, i figured that i would miss a day here and there, but would try really hard to stay on top of this... Then life happened, as it continues to, and pulled me away for a moment. i am glad that i have been able to experience done things this last month and am not do glad about others... i know that sounds vague and cryptic, lol...

On a different note, Happy Mother's Day to all of the moms in blog land that read my blog.

Biting off more than i can chew...

So, i tend to take a lot on at one time and then feel frustrated when i am trying to make it all work. It is something that i am working on, but it is just not in my nature to say no or to not help someone that i see that needs help. Even my job lets me help people, so i know it is just a part of me...

Normally, i feel like i am doing everything myself... not this year... this year, i have solid friends and family that offer their support, help with my kiddos, and other things... even Master is stepping up around the house... i think because He doesn't want to see me lose my mind again like last year...

Last year, i could not leave my house for a period of time... had to get that straightened out with a therapist and this thing called tapping... anyway... i am starting to get worried that i am starting to snap again regardless of the help and support i have... just trying to hold the crazy at bay...

Sorry if this seems a little ramble-y, just getting the thoughts out of my brain...

My life would be a fun book to read

Ok, so today has been interesting... i was thinking today while washing dishes that i hate them... and i hate Him for not cleaning them when He is home all day... and when i start to feel that way, i think that i need to find the good in the situation i am in.

Before i did the dishes, i took a new medication for my migraines which made me very introspective and a little dizzy. It made me very grateful for the life i have.

So i thought i hate the dishes and then i thought... no... i am grateful for these dishes because that means we ate today... and i am grateful to have the money that enabled us to have dishes to eat off... and i am grateful for the water in my faucet... and my mind wandered toward the smallest things that i have taken for granted...

For some reason, this struck me as an epiphany that i have so much to live for and be happy about... i have a Master who challenges me and loves me and does what's best for our family...

i am truly blessed...

Whoops, attention span

So, i had to take another go at some healthy fitness goals, which is something my Master is horrible about... He is not good at holding me accountable and likes to eat, so the temptation is really hard to deal with... if i say i'm hungry, then it is time to eat something in front of me, almost as a punishment... sucks...

i am grateful for my Master's love because sometimes it is rough and sometimes it is gentle, but it is always what i need...