Putting Him first

i am having an interesting situation right now with my slavery. It is not that i have an issue with my Master or His techniques, but i am truly struggling to get back to the place where my slavery is at the top of my list. Recently, i have been listening to some interesting audio books that are transformational in essence. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and Outwitting the Devil by Napoleon Hill have left me a changed woman who lives for every second of everyday.

Master is not there yet so i get a little frustrated at times. This frustration is with myself because i am noticing how easy it is to go out of my way to help and please others, but i don't always do that for Him... Which sounds crazy, right?! Wouldn't it be easier for me to bend over backwards to help my King and the one who owns my heart and life? Shouldn't i be able to put all else to the side and think of His present state and ways i can keep us both living there? The hardest thing i am finding is that i need to let everything go outside of the current moment.

i think about now because it is all we have. If i am truly focused on this moment now, i don't need babying, praise, or direction. If i am focused on now, i anticipate His needs, complete requests with a joyful heart, and try my best to be the best version of me that i give the rest  the world on a daily basis. i am full of light and love, but i really want to focus on exuding that light and that love to everyone i come in contact with every minute of the day.

Foxy photo shoot

So, i get this message from Daddy that He wants me to get my tail in and corset on before He came home, and my ears on/ hair done after so we could play... After the kids go to bed, of course... So i put in my tail and on my corset after putting the kids to bed. Then i had to do some other chores and as i walked around with the tail in, i started to get a light headed feeling... Which made me recall that we had not played this way for a little while. When Daddy came home, He was very pleased to see His corseted fox getting His dinner ready.

While He ate dinner and we watched The Walking Dead, i sat with my head in his lap as His hand caressed my side and tugged my tail occasionally. We then went to the room, so i pulled my hair into pigtails and put on my ears for play time. He then told me to get on the bed and to be sexy for the camera! Yay! A photo shoot!!

So much fun!

Getting back to myself

So, my son seems to be settled down, so i now have time to journal in here again. My journal is still going to include a lot about my BDSM, my new spiritual awakening, and anything else i want to write in here, lol...

So Daddy and i have changed our nutrition plan, which has given Him so much more energy. Last night, He decimated my ass for hours, or so it seemed... We have mostly just been fighting through the situation with my son, so now that it is starting to get settled, hopefully we can pick back up where we left off.

After a solid conversation last night, i know that i can be better as His slave and i need to refocus on that again. During our high crisis times, the power exchange is still there, but punishments go by the way side and bad behavior is normally excused or ignored. i am definitely grateful that my Daddy allows me to be a crazy mom when i need to be one.

Now to memorize my rules again, lol...

A journey...

The last couple of weeks have been a real rollercoaster ride for me because of so many different personal things. My son's issues have not gotten better, but i feel as though i have gotten better about handling them. i have also lost quite a bit of weight and focused tremendously on developing a more positive mindset... And you know what i figured out...

i figured out that i am worth the hard work and patience that i give to everyone else. i should expect that same behavior from myself as well...

i figured out that i can and love to run! Running makes every cell in my body feel alive, almost as much as a good thuddy flogging! And when i am done, i get weak in the knees because i pushed and i drink so much water, but i feel pride. Pride in myself.

i figured out that it is okay to feel... To really feel emotions deep down in my core... In the core of my being and the depths of my soul. i do not have to be a robot... i can feel sorrow, pain,  frustration, anger... But only for a minute or 2... More than that, and i wallow in it like a pig in mud... But if i stop and change my perception and find that silver lining, then i will still feel amazing and in control of myself.

i figured out that i love and cherish Papa Bear and enjoy so many things about our relationship and partnership. i found that He helps meet needs that i have deep down inside. Needs that i didn't even know about. Dark and dirty needs that can only be met with His hands on me, pulling and pinching and grabbing and smacking... Could not imagine a life without His cock in my mouth... i know that i could survive without Him if i had to, but i am willing to fight tooth and nail to stay by His side until i leave this Earth...

Lastly, i figured out that i am truly affected by the things i put into my body. The food i eat, the shows i watch, the music i listen to, the books i read, the effort i exert... All of these things dramatically affect me... Directly change who i am... Sometimes i feel like those candy bugs on Wreck It Ralph... i become whatever i consume as long as it makes sense to my inner core.

i feel like i started on a kick to get healthier and instead, i really started on a spiritual journey to find myself...

Going to be a while

Sorry readers, but we are going through some pretty tough situations with our middle child right now, so i will not be posting actively for a moment in time. Once this situation is situated, i will resume my regular posting schedule...

Electric punishment

Sometimes, i feel like i am the most amazing slave in the world and other times i feel like a big  disappointment and a lot of work for Master. Yesterday was one of those days... Too much attitude and Master gave me a direct order and i sucked at it... i was too busy being on my phone to pay attention to His direction and think it through... He said He would take partial blame because He could have been more clear, so He would lighten the punishment... That was bullshit... Worst punishment so far...

Last night, He told me to make sure everything was ready for bed by 8pm because He had to work early. i got all of the kids in bed and was eating my last snack for the day when He asked what happened. Why wasn't everything ready for bed? i told Him that everything was ready and He started asking about things that i normally do, but didn't quite think of as bedtime stuff for some reason, lol... i think my brain was just not thinking... Sigh...

So, after i fixed all that, Master asked what He should punish me with. He said He didn't want to use the belt because i didn't really understand what He was requesting and He acknowledged that He needs to work on more specific communication... i recommended the electric wand because He loves to play with it and i have not built up a tolerance yet... May have been the worst idea ever...

He just kept shocking me with His new metal needle that we used once in play... While i sucked His cock, while i road Him reverse cowgirl... Just kept shocking tender spots, even after i started crying, which is usually when He stops a  punishment... Not this time though... Then, He commanded me to orgasm and right when i started to go, He shocked me again. i was screaming and crying and shaking and apologizing... Even thinking about it now makes my stomach turn and my heart race...

i am not sure if i could ever learn to love that toy, which is one of my goals for the year. i am focusing now on no attitude. Just a Yes Sir when given an order and stopping to think it through and ask questions... i feel like a dog in a shock collar would feel... i don't want to mess up at all and anything that sounds like the ominous buzz of electricity makes me feel like running away, throwing up, or screaming... Even just writing this was upsetting for me, but that is the point... The point of my blog is to share my journey with my future self and stay present in the experience... But thank you dear readers for coming along for the experience...


***Personal Note*** it was recently brought to my attention that some may find this to be abusive. i wanted to make sure that everyone knows that if i had used a safe word, He would have stopped. Shoot, if i had turned to Him and said please no, He would have stopped. i personally need a painful punishment to adjust behaviors and have asked my Master for this type of punishment. My Master and husband is an amazingly gentle soul and would not inflict abuse or permanent harm to me and i trust Him with my everything.

Busy New Year!

Oh my goodness, it has been a minute. Master started His new job and we are just getting used to a new routine right now. Last night, we had amazing sex. i was able to spend the day at home with the kids, got the house very, very clean, did my chores and sent Him dirty text messages all day that made His friends blush. ;-)

i was able to be dressed in tiny shorts and a sports bra and heels as i made Master's chicken fajitas for dinner because He came home after the kids were in bed. He was able to come home to a mostly naked sexy wife cooking a yummy dinner... Every guy's dream, lol.

After He had dinner, we had amazing sex. There was one hiccup because i forgot to say thank you after He made me cum. i was just lining His cock up with my ass hole when He stabbed up with His hips and skewered me. It hurt so very bad... i immediately jumped up and started screaming and crying... He immediately cuddled me and took care of me. He did not know i was being a good little anal whore when He tried to punish me. i still took it in the ass after a bit of cuddling and reassurance.

Oh, it was so nice to be a stay at home mom and a stay at home slave for the day... Sigh ... my version of heaven on earth...