Library Book

So, I was allowed to go on a date with my Sir, and it was so much fun!

To start off the night, we went out to eat. We picked a restaurant close to home and talked about how he would introduce me if we bumped into someone that he knows while out while we were driving over. I was going to be introduced as his secretary, which is a not-so-secret turn on for me, lol...

As we approached the restaurant, he noticed the vehicle of a mutual friend and I saw them sitting on the patio. We quickly walked back to the car without them noticing us... Heart thumping in my throat... That was a close call...

We may be okay with our relationship and so are our spouses, but our non-kinky friends just wouldn't understand... And now we know better as far as eating close to home... Could you imagine what would have happened if they had walked in after we had checked it out for people we knew and then started canoodling when there were none, lol?!

We drove further away and found a restaurant and talked with the waiter as I ate and held his hand. We absolutely love playing with and messing with people. As the waiter looked at him in awe because he had a beautiful girl next to him on a date that belonged to his best friend and a beautiful wife that was cool with it and participated, i could see him swell with joy in this accomplishment... It made me proud to hold his hand.

We went to his place after and played, which is always fun! He hog tied me and then dragged me to the edge of his bed so I could give him a blow job at the same time. We played with knives, which pushes me into sub space so quickly. Oh goodness, how I wanted to take everything he wanted to give. He also tied me up into one of the prettiest designs so far! Then, we snuggled and did aftercare.

Something about him is weirdly familiar to and for me... Like we are intricately connected on an alternate level or different existence of consciousness... Maybe we were lovers in a different time or maybe we will be on the next go around... My heart is full of love for him and I miss him every minute he is not with me...

But the night had to end and as it was ending, he told me he wanted to keep me there. I reminded him he couldn't and he said he knew... Having me is like checking out a book from the library, he said... He can check me out and borrow me, but I am always having to be given back... But the good news is that I can always be checked out again... I kinda like this analogy, because that is how I feel... Like a great library book... I always loved and read library books like they were mine... But at the end of the day, they needed to be returned to the correct place...

Grieving

I am learning that Papa Bear and I both grieve in different ways. Both of us are mourning our loss and it is hard... This type of difference is what you hear about when you hear that marriages and families have fallen apart and dissolved due to a traumatic experience or the loss of a loved one, especially a child... He was 7... I miss him so much... We both do...

I am learning that Papa Bear is wanting to stay close to home and close to me. He wants to stew in the sadness and really feel it to help get through it... At least, that is what it looks like from the outside... I know that he lost the main purpose in his life as he stayed home to focus on our son due to his illness... And now he needs to figure out what to do with his life when we already had it sorted out... That can be overwhelming...

On the other side, I want to escape and run away. I want to get out or at least be playing hard enough that I am distracted from the fact that I lost him in the room I sleep in every night... That he lay on my side of the bed as he left this earth... That he struggled so hard... And that even though I know I couldn't have done any more than I did, I am still sure that I missed something... I am a runner... Don't get me wrong, I will stand and fight for something I believe in... But in a fight or flight scenario, my gut reaction is flight...

So, I talked with my Papa Bear and he is deciding to let me fly when I need to in order to handle my grief and I will support him by being at his side when he needs to cuddle or stew...

In my memory

Today is a day that will live in my memory forever... My heart still aches, but all will be okay... I know it will...

Serving Papa Bear is so hard right now because I just can't seem to think about the tasks I need to do... Sigh... But he will help me get back there...

Lunch play

Yesterday, I was able to eat lunch with my Master, my Queen, and my Sir! It was so fun! We chatted about our personal rope night experience over delicious food. We laughed and had fun and it was all okay. I keep telling myself that everything is okay that is happy because sometimes, the guilt of having a good time when my son just passed tries to creep in... He would have wanted me to continue my happiness... I know he would...

Where we were in the restaurant allowed for a little play and in true foxy fashion, I wasn't wearing any panties, so I got to stand up and flash my loves without impacting any other tables or people... So risky and fun... I was sharing my bare ass to check for flogging markings because we played with the flogger during our make shift rope night... Doing this made everyone blush and smile, which made my heart sing... 

Then, as we were getting ready to go, I got to be playful again and flash my ass as I leaned into the car to put the food away on the floor of my car under their continued direction. I finally flipped my skirt after I still wasn't leaning in far enough and had all 3 telling me how to do it, lol. It may seem overbearing or overwhelming to have so many people telling you what to do. For me, it brings me warmth to know that they all care enough to help give me direction... Even if that direction is naughty... It helps me to stop thinking... And I really don't want to think right now...

So naughty and fun and playful... Made me feel like my old self again... Then we went shopping for clothes for the memorial and I started crying in the store. Papa Bear stopped me and held me in the aisle, letting me cry in his arms... Emotional rollercoaster again... Sigh...

Okay to smile

Rope is magical!

Last night, my Sir came over, with Papa Bear's permission, to tie me up.

I needed it.

As Open Rope Night approaches, one of my favorite events and one I haven't missed since I started going, I have become antsy and agitated. So I reached out to see if he would still take care of me, even though the big breakup happened and my son recently passed... And he made the time.

My Sir has been my friend for a while and has been a tremendous help to my family. He knows what we went through with my son and I trust him... I would trust him with my life...

He didn't make me feel weird or bad for wanting to play so close to such a bitter sweet event, which weighs heavy on my mind and heart every day. He helped everything feel normal for me... Happy for me... I was able to serve and be served... I get to live my life and be happy and smile... It is okay to smile is something I have to keep reminding myself of because a smile on my lips is something I keep pushing down...

Until I break

Right now, I feel like I am dying, but I am still alive. Papa Bear is trying to help me find myself again... Being around people is helping... Texting with people is helping... Not focusing on myself is helping...

I am falling back into a submissive position, and will become the slave I want to be again, some day... But for now, a sub... My mind just refuses to think about the details of serving my Papa Bear... And he is handling me with kitten gloves... My head and heart ramble on about nonsense to everyone and I can tell that I am being watched closely... I can tell that we are waiting for me to break... I am waiting for myself to break...

I keep crying during play and sex... My sub space is just full of tears now... I feel like it will be a while before that stops, so I need to just go with it... Just get used to crying, because right now, crying feels so good... It feels like it gets the despair of losing my son out... But I  can't just cry, it has to be dragged out of me... Because I have to stay strong... Until I finally break...

Crying

I am falling to pieces...

Today seems to be all about crying...

I can't seem to stop crying...

I lost my son... He passed away today right in front of us... And now everything feels different...

Escape

Watching my son as he slowly drifts away from me... Holding his hand as he struggles just to breathe... Looking into his eyes, even though he is staring right through me...

He is so young... This is so hard... I needed to escape so I came here...

I thought my heart was broken by the dissolution of my secondary relationships, but that was nothing compared to this pain. While I am in this headspace, I am trying to make peace with everything. I feel like once my son passes, I am going to let all of this big ball of sadness go at the same time. The universe can take all of this hurt and pain and depression and sadness away... I would like my sunshine back please!

In case you are reading this, I love you and I want you to know that these snippets will help me when I read this later, but in no means encompasses everything you meant to me and everything I appreciated in you. These are things that will trigger memories for me. Who knows... Maybe one day, when all my shit settles down, I won't be missing any of these things... A girl can always hope... And I always will... Sometimes, the stars can realign...

My Queen and your huge heart and beautiful soul, who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to ask or stand up for it. I will miss playing with you and feeling like your barbie doll, which I absolutely adored. I loved dressing up and becoming even closer to your version of what my beautiful would be with your assistance.  You are so beautiful, inside and out and in that delicate place where inside and outside meet, I will especially miss tasting you... Yummy!

My Sir and Your bright light that filled my heart with such joy in such dark times. i wish i could have fulfilled being Your girlfriend, and i will miss our school yard kisses and Your delicious cock... Thank goodness I still have the purple version of You since I always have my naughty imagination ;)

My pretty girl and your intellect and fun quippy conversations, always quick to respond and help me pull myself out of the situation. I will miss hearing about your day and our make out sessions... And especially chewing on your nipples...mmmmm...

My sweet husband... Yes, I will miss you too. You are no longer the man that would put himself through a hell inside to give me whatever I want. You have decided to step into the Master that I have always wanted You to be. I will miss your sweet puppy dog looks and the way you let me get away with murder. I still need to wait to see what else I will miss since you will also probably change quite a bit due to this impossible situation with our son.

My version of me now... I am not quite sure what I will miss in this because I am not yet sure what pieces i will lose or change when i lose my little man. I don't know who i will become as a woman who lost a child and still has 2 others to raise and a life to push forward in... But I know that I like this most recent version. I am fun and daring. I love hard and fast. I give everything I can to anyone who really wants it. I get in front of people, naked! I love a good anal screwing and to get a cock as deep into my throat as it will go. I love and live for rope and wish I could just be harnessed every day, lol. I like this version of my crazy... It has been very fun...

I just wanted to recount all of this so I don't forget. I don't want to forget things and I have such a horrible memory. Anything to take my mind off of what is happening in this room with me... As he breathes and I stare at him... Crying, praying, hoping, wishing, hurting, wondering, asking, begging... I feel like I am dieing too... Glad for the escape...

Count your blessings

Last night through today have been the toughest I have ever experienced in my life. That must mean that it is time to turn around and count all of the blessings that I experienced due to these latest trials.

1. I gained a Master. My true master and not him trying to master me... Him truly owning everything about me, which is what I have wanted for 6 years.
2. I gained the reminder that love hurts, so I need to guard my heart and avoid truly loving anyone with everything in me that I have to give. I had forgotten this valuable lesson from my youthful days as a slut, lol.
3. I gained additional time back to focus just on my family. While I am poly, right now is just not the right time. The personal struggle I am going through with helping my son is too hard for me to handle, let alone for anyone else to handle. I probably shouldn't just expect that others can handle everything that comes with me... I have a ton of baggage to say the least, lol.
4. I am worth too much to my Master and myself to allow myself to feel sad, depressed, anxious, or upset due to another individuals actions. I am only a puppet to my Master, so no one else can pull a string to make me dance or sing or laugh or cry. I am an amazing ball of sunshine because I don't let the world's darkness smother my light. I will shine bright and smile everyday because I have the love of an amazing man and 3 amazing boys (my sons).
5. Most of all, I love myself, which is really all that matters. I love that I am a little crazy and eccentric. I love that I am overly sexual in a teasing kind of way. I love that I can follow my Papa Bear with a direct passion. I love that I am poly and can love people easily, even if it ends up breaking my heart every time. I love that I still love every single person I have ever said "I love you" to. I am amazing.

Broken

I found out today that when I gave my will truly over to Papa Bear this time, it was harder than i expected. I knew what I would possibly be losing. I asked him to be selfish and now he is. This means that I will change. I will adjust who I am to fit his needs. I will need to be careful in love, especially.

I will lose parts of myself and have already lost pieces of my heart. I have always wanted to be Papa Bear's slave, which means that I will blindly follow his direction. I provide him with my opinion and my thoughts and perspectives and he takes them in or rejects them and then I follow what he says.

This is the life I asked for. Now I need to live it. Even if it breaks my heart...

WTF

Before you read this post, please be prepared to get upset. This blog is about my real life and I am sharing an incredibly heart wrenching experience that I am going through because I am sitting in it, alone, and full of thoughts that I need to share.

I would normally just talk all this out with Papa Bear, but he is getting some much needed rest. He has been shouldering most of the responsibility of this situation for a really long time as he tends to baby and protect his little slave from these situations for the most part. Also, I didn't want to forget my thoughts... My blog, my rules, lol...

If this blog is just a fun and sexy read for you... You may want to skip this one... Lol...


What the fuck!!!

Okay, so now that the profanity is out of my system, I am stuck today. I am stuck in the worst possible situation ever. I think my son is dieing in my arms. I think his life is expiring and that this is what death looks and feels like... As a body that is too young to go, can't possible endure any more pain or any more epileptic episodes. They are tearing his muscles apart and I feel so lost...

I am sitting here, writing this, staring at him, and thinking about implanting a nasal feeding tube. Then I ask myself, if I was in this much pain and had no control over my body and slept so much and couldn't focus for longer than 3 minutes on anything during my somewhat lucid moments, would I want that prolonged or would I just want to be let go?

The answer is that I don't fucking know!! I don't think I would, but then what if everything is going to be back to okay in a month and I just had to deal with this excruciating pain 4 months out of the year... Then maybe I would, but what if I am still like this for another month... How many months in a row is it okay for me to feel this way... How many months would I want my family to worry that today is the last day...

Our thoughts for our son have always been to provide the best quality of life... This is so hard...

Am I worth it to you?

I found out that my Papa Bear holds a very high standard for others that he allows to play with me. I wasn't really aware of this because he never mentioned it before, but he wants my lovies to be willing to fight for me.

He knows that sometimes our lives are really difficult and that sometimes I am really difficult, lol. I am a complicated person with a minefield of issues yet to be stumbled upon, so he wants to be sure that the people I fall in love with won't run at the first sign of trouble. He also knows that playing for me means building a relationship and strong connection as love is a part of my kink, lol.

So ask yourself these questions about me as we play and get to know each other... Is she worth it? Is she worth the frustration and timing issues? Is she worth the rollercoaster and the ride? Do the positives she provided outweigh the baggage that she carries? Is the experience worth the trouble?

I personally think it is, cuz there is this thing I can do with my tongue... Lol... Just kidding (not about the thing I can do, just that it would boil down to that). I know I am worth it because I am... And if I am playing with you, then I have found you to be worth any possible trouble or pain that may come my way because of it. I love with the energy of a thousand suns... A bit overwhelming, but warming to the soul...

Happy Birthday To Papa Bear!

Yesterday was my beloved Papa Bear's birthday!! Before I went to work yesterday, I woke him up properly so he could start his Daddy off right. I followed all of the rules from the contract we put together and the day went famously. I also sent him random pics, both naked and clothed, throughout the day and stayed in very close contact, whispering naughty things and calling him on my lunch break! (I normally text a crap ton)...

Later on in the evening, Papa Bear used me so good and hard. We didn't play with any toys because they weren't needed. He had me kneeling and sucking him, then moved me to a thorough anal screwing, which I adored... Something about getting screwed really hard by him makes me feel owned.

He told me how pretty I am and how beloved I am and how good I have been... Praised me so much after I handled everything he wanted to give and take... Goodness, I think I have him his favorite gift... Having his little foxy all to himself for the day :)

Coming to town

My mom is coming today... I haven't seen her in years and she is coming today and I am facing this experience on my own since my Papa Bear is at work today.

I am nervous and anxious but ready... Ready to see her again with a smile on my face and in my heart.

Hope she is ready for me!

Missing everyone!!

Sitting here, in my car, while my tire is getting changed because we hit a damn board in the road and I am reminded about how short life can be and how important it is to take advantage of the amazing experiences that we have developed, created, and cultivated for ourselves.

I miss my people... I was able to see my pretty girl for moments today, brief moments while running around and doing errands for Papa Bear's work. How could I not stop by to see her if only for a short period of time when I was so close by! But it was too short dammit...

I altogether miss My Queen and Sir! They are out of town right now and very busy, so I must wait for them to get back. I am still sending pictures and songs and little messages though... For those quick moments when they have a spare second.

Today, my angels said to release my problems and surrender to my life. I am trying, but it is so hard... Release is not something I do well... I am a clinger, lol... I am great at surrendering to people, but not as great to surrendering to circumstances.

Guess it is time to let it go and see what happens. I am not in control... I never really was... I tried to be for a couple of months and it has been a rollercoaster of pain and joy... When I consistently follow him, the track is steadier and so am I...

Hippie Rant #1

Sometimes, I think about who I am and what I am and I wonder... How did this girl come to be? Which defining moments in time, in her life, happened to cause her to define herself as this... As me...

I know that when I was young, some unsavory experiences occurred with a male babysitter that changed my thoughts and feelings about sex at all times. Sex actually means less to me than anything else. I have a negative connotation with sex because of the history I have with it, but I know that it is something that can feel good and ultimately will get me the connection I want with another.

Kissing on the other hand... Kissing on the lips means the world to me and is the most important action. Just a peck on the lips and you should know that I am yours in the way that you want, if you work with me on it.

I am so submissive and suggestible that it sometimes scares Papa Bear, I think... I can change so quickly that I can forget who I truly am and end up miles away from where I wanted to be... For a whisper of love and a promise of play...

I am addicted to rope... Like really really addicted to it... It is like a drug for me and I just love it... When I am tied up and beautiful because of my rigger's amazing work, I feel secure and free, safe and alive, truly happy... I am still trying to figure out where this stems from, but I think I always just loved the feel and smell of it. In high school, in 2001, I used to crochet during study hall, lol...

I am so strong, I sometimes wonder if I am an alien. I see what I go through with my son every night as I think about how the day went... And I just think, how? How does she keep doing this... Where is that spine coming from... Who is she?! There is no way that I am this woman... This woman that took back her health and continues to help others do the same, that stands firmly with her son while pushing forward legislation for controversial medication, that continues to go to work and put in the hours that she would rather spend with her son so he can continue to eat his medical grade formula, that plays with others with wild passion, creating the experiences they want to share...

How did I get to become this amazing woman? I worked hard and continue to work on not giving up. I won't give up on anything or anyone as long as they never give up on me. I sure as hell won't give up on myself or the things I want in life.

Woo... I needed to get this out... And here we go, hippie foxy, lol...

Quick like a fox...

"How possible is it to change, really change things about who you are, so quickly?" is a question I get asked sometimes...

The answer... I truly don't know... In honesty, I think my chameleon like tendencies, idiosyncrasies, and almost sociopathic type nature comes from a rough childhood. A childhood that forced me to blend in and become the perfect girl to escape abandonment...

This escape had provided me with an array of versions of myself to explore and interact with any situation... Sometimes, it seems that there are too many versions of me. slave foxy, wife foxy, mother foxy, girlfriend foxy, play toy foxy, business foxy, the list goes on...

What I do know is that this ability helps me get through tough situations with my son. It also helps me create the life I want... I feel like I am just rambling away in here as a way to get my mind off of the situation with my son. I can't help it. I needed to escape for a moment, I think...

Argh, I am crazy sometimes... Sigh...

Contracts and Change

The last week, Papa Bear and I have really focused on creating a contract that fits our life and our dynamic better, in hopes of getting on the same page. I am glad that he is taking charge and wants to lay it out for me.

It is also causing me to look at other relationship agreements and contracts as well. I find it interesting how individuals react to different requests and suggestions. 

What am I talking about... I am talking about some logistics on an exchange that is so emotional for me, as if I can remain logical... 

In my primary contract, I found out that my Papa Bear wants me to basically become a Stepford wife... He is my Master, so I focus only on becoming what he wants me to be. I know this sounds crazy to most, but I get off on him controlling me... What I do, where I go, who I am with, what I wear...

He had definitely started stepping up before July and I just disregarded it because I was seeking out attention from another. I should have been focused on the gift he was finally giving me and instead, I stomped on it... But we are working to be better now and he has stepped back up to his place and I have knelt down into mine.

One of the benefits of my poly is that it provides me with a way to be just who I am with people who appreciate who she is. It gives me a break from perfect and allows me to be the simplest version of myself...Papa Bear appreciates this version of me, but definitely wants me to meet his needs and I consensually promised to be everything he wants me to be.

What I am starting to find out is that when Papa Bear changes my personality for his purposes, sometimes others end up falling for the perfect version of me, not necessarily the real version... The version that craves cock so badly that I have to get to it and initiate activities all the time... What they don't see is the time it took to engrain that behavior into me and the orders that I was given earlier that day or year, demanding that my behavior change, or the punishments I received when I wasn't meeting expectations... Perfect takes practice, sweat, and tears...

Someone once asked me something around if they could ever be sure they knew me and not just a list of rules that make me who I am... I feel like I can be me with those that truly love me. Especially Papa Bear... Even though I meet his expectations on a regular basis to be better, he still gives me times to be me. Similarly, each version of me is made up of some kind of rules, because I create rules for versions of me and have since I was little... Such a great coping mechanism...

I think that my behaviors can change if someone really wants to take the time to dominate me until I become who they are looking for in their relationship, but what does that mean when I just want to be me... It means that we need to create a training program to help change my behaviors, because I am change if I am anything at all, lol...

 One of the pitfalls of an M/s where the s is also poly, I guess... Everything tends to just run together and the unknown is hard to adjust for... The good thing about it is that we always have the opportunity to create the life we want when we want it.

**to all who want to know, the new contract is almost complete. Then I will post it in here as well**

Getting back to slave foxy

You know that feeling where everything you do is wrong? Well, I feel that way today...

Building a new contract with Papa Bear, who is ready to step up as my Master, has been eye opening. I mean, he has always owned me, but he never really implemented anything or commanded anything or controlled anything... Now he wants to and learning that he doesn't like my attitude, is annoyed by the way I sometimes stare off into nothing, and always wants me to be sexually charged in all activities has me thrown a little off...

I will get the hang of it all eventually... In the meantime, I just need to try and not take any of it personally...