New Year's Eve - Kinky resolutions

Time to make my resolutions for the new year!! i usually keep a list of goals that i have for myself year round and update it as i go, but it is a very vanilla list. These are the goals i share with anyone when asked what my resolutions for the new year will be and they all focus on not procrastinating and on being healthier.

My kinky resolutions will be pretty similar:

1. i will follow Master's direction as soon as it is given with a smile on my face.

2. i will attend an official play party somewhere at least once in the year.

3. i will continue to seek out new experiences and new individuals to have experiences with.

That's it... Just 3 this year, but i think they will be very impactful...

What are your kinky resolutions for the new year?

Sexercise

Some days are just good for playing video games. . Yesterday was one of those days.

i am preparing for a new diet plan which has me eating more often throughout the day and also working out a little harder. i was reminded this last week that life is short and living healthy can help with extending the time i am here, barring extenuating circumstances... So, i am going to use all of that pain to improve my health and hopefully the health of the rest of my family.

Master is helping me stay fit with all of the sexercise i have been having... Electro-abs the other day... Nipple bite lunges last night (basically biting my nipple and moving His head into different positions forcing me to lunge or squat to relieve the pain)... What will happen next? Lol...

Master's direction

For a while, i am going to be using Master instead of Papa Bear to help me stay in a better frame of mind... After yesterday's freakout, i feel like i need to implement some things to help with maintaining my sanity, even in this blog. Using M/s verbiage is one thing... i am still debating whether i should take away the i pronoun, but at this point, it will stay unless things push even further...

Master said that i am not allowed to think about taking His favorite toy away from Him (me) as thoughts of suicide ran through my head yesterday... Thankfully, we did not have any deadly pills in the medicine cabinet... Unfortunately, i got to the point where i actually looked... Sometimes the weight of my son's condition just crushes me flat and makes me want to escape it all... Yesterday was one of those days... At least the morning was...

The rest of the day, Master commanded me. He had me make very specific meals for the day, had me do chores around the house, and basically got me out of my head. When i follow His direction, i don't think about anything else but pleasing Him, which helps so much more than i think He knows. He was also more vocal with His requests, which i liked a lot.

After a day of following Master's direction, i asked for play... Specifically, electric play... i don't like it, but Master loves it and He wants me to work on my tolerance... He would prefer that i get excited about electric play, so asking Him for it seemed like a good first step. He had me set up the electric wand and get out a new flogger to play with once we got the kids in bed.

We used 2 different attachments and i think i did really well. He gave me a pretty good ab workout with the needle attachment He has. i also handled the flogger pretty well, until it whipped and smacked me in the pussy!! Ouch!! My Master then screwed my mouth and pussy until we both came together. He made me orgasm while we were going through the most painful parts of the flogging  and electric play to get my mind to believe pain and pleasure go together... Such a caring Master!

Losing my shit..

A dear friend of mine lost her son the other day due to complications with a surgery that he needed to have. This event has me evaluating my life and decisions again. Life is short and it is important to do what we feel is right and what will make us happy.

i know that, for me, i am happy serving my Papa Bear. i love giving Him everything He wants and live for his happiness. i know that He cares about my happiness too. My happiness is so hard to define while His is so simple. He wants to wake up to a BJ or sex. He wants to have good food ready for Him when He wants it. He wants His slave to almost be a mind reader that knows what He needs and wants at all times. He wants to issue commands with a whisper or a nudge instead of with spoken communication...

i feel kind of lost right now... i don't really know what makes up my happiness... i don't even know if i am happy now... i think i may be, but i am not really sure of anything right now... This has me so twisted up inside and i am going to need to figure it out before i break again... i don't like being broken... i know that much at least.

How do you fully remove yourself and your mind, your wants and your needs, so you can fully focus on your slavery or submission and let your Master have all of that control without breaking when serious life events happen?

Sigh... Obviously, i am struggling right now with a lot of different things... My mind and my heart are in 2 different places and it is not fun, to say the least... i continue to mourn for my friend's child and think about the potential loss of my own special guy... Every time i think of possibly losing him, it brings up life decisions that i made to help cope with that issue that are now in full conflict with my current lifestyle...

i am not liking the way this post is going and don't really want to write it anymore... i hate this feeling of ache that i have in my heart and pain that i have in my head... i do not like the fact that i have some mental issues sometimes that push me so close to the edge... i just can't handle it on my own...

So what did i do about all of that pain i wrote about earlier? i cried... i woke Papa Bear up for cuddles and help... And He helped me... He spanked me and gave me commands... He helped me sort out the conflict through communication... Through helping me define choices and placing my thoughts and my crazy into logical options... i can choose M/s or i can choose my past coping mechanism... He promises to love me either way...

So i chose... i choose my Master over everything else. i will let the rest of it go... But it was a hard morning...

May i please eat, Sir?

So... We recently started a new regimen to help with my tendency to overeat or randomly eat things that are not good for me in secret... Papa Bear is now giving me permission to eat meals and snacks. At first, we were just going to use it as a way to stop me because i won't usually eat something if i have to think about it, but now it is turning into something bigger... Papa Bear has taken the reigns and is using this permission to determine what i can eat, how much i can eat, and to stop me from indulging... Can i say that i love it?!!!!

A lot of the things that we do are usually suggestions i make and ideas i come up with... Who better to think of an appropriate punishment or a new plan of action than the slave that is encountering issues? i also read an exorbitant amount of blogs and literature about M/s and TPE, so Papa Bear uses that expertise to help develop ideas for new things. Some things that i bring up are immediately shot down, some are taken into consideration, and others are implemented.

Once implemented in their original form, Papa Bear will tweak and adjust the idea until it works for us.

One thing i have noticed already is that i am constantly in a different headspace... Not really sub space, but not really my normal headspace either... Kind of somewhere in between a dream and reality... It is an interesting feeling to live and walk around in a dream type mentality... Not bad, just different...

i am a little worried about this state of mind because we took that class on end of life preparation. i worry that Papa Bear will leave me stuck in a dream type state with no one to tell me i can eat, so i just continue going until i die of starvation... Sigh... i know that  wouldn't happen because we have already talked about Him setting up a Dom to watch over me until i am back on my feet, but i am a worrier sometimes... i am also a little weird sometimes to, lol...

Playing for 4...

Last night was amazing! We had so much fun with Beautiful and another friend of ours, who is vanilla, but very interested in the lifestyle. Let's call him Newbie for now. ;-)

For about a week, Papa Bear, Beautiful, and Newbie have been planning what to do last night. One thing about BDSM play is that preparation and some planning has to be done ahead of time. Someone usually can't just do something on the fly... Even if it is a quick negotiation of safe words... i love that i don't really have to worry about that aspect because of my slave status... Papa Bear negotiates everything for me.

Newbie is actually a really close friend, so i have been worried about playing in front of him. He is one of Papa Bear's closest friends and practically like a brother to me, so i thought it would be weird to be naked in front of him or ordered to do stuff in front of him. What i found out was that it really wasn't. i felt like i could finally just be me, which is someone i usually keep pretty hidden around vanilla people, even really close vanilla friends. People just don't understand why someone would want to wear fluffy fox ears when she is 32 and raising a family. Shocking, right?! lol...

When we got to Beautiful's house, i put on my ears and collar right away. We started eating dinner when Newbie got there. He complimented my ears as we went over to chat and get to know each other a bit... Or at least let Beautiful and Newbie get to know each other. After a little bit, we broke out the suit cases and pulled out supplies.

We started out with flogging and trying different floggers. Papa Bear flogged me and Beautiful to show Newbie how to flog and when he started flogging Beautiful, you could tell that he was a natural. One of the agreements before we played was that he would not be man handling or playing with me. i am Papa Bear's property and see Newbie all the time, so that would have been a little too complicated for me.

i just love watching Beautiful being flogged and seeing her getting flogged by 2 people and being one of the three to play with her at the same time was such an honor... There was a point when she and i got to play with each other face to face while she was being flogged and i was being flogged... It was so awesome!

We also got to play with Papa Bear's new electric equipment. i know Papa Bear loves to torture me with this equipment, so i love that... But that is about all i love about it... Newbie also likes the electric equipment and Beautiful does a much better job than me at taking it. i just love how easy it is to make her orgasm and get her excited.

All together, i would say that it was a good experience. We had fun and got to share a different part of our lives with a friend.

my Master

my Master is so sweet and kind and gentle. He probably let's me get away with too much, but i think it was because we were husband and wife before all of this. Before TTWD, we ran everything together, but the struggle for who was in charge was prevalent. He was raised to pretty much give women whatever they wanted and i was brought up to believe that women are often times better than men at doing things. Sometimes, this meant that during any struggle for power, i generally won. Not because i was more equipped to handle a situation, but because i was ruthless in getting my way and making it work for me because i really thought i could do it better...

As you can probably tell, that didn't really lead either of us to full happiness. We didn't really fight or argue, but we weren't fulfilling our purposes...

Last night, as we got ready for bed, Papa Bear started to play with me and i said that i was tired and we should probably rest up... (big date with  Beautiful today)... And He just said okay, disappointedly, and started to roll over. i immediately hopped up and asked what He wanted to do. He said i made a good point and He would let me sleep while He took care of Himself... i asked Him why He would let His slave sleep if He really wanted to have sex... He thought about it for a second and said He didn't want to damage me by playing with me too much... So sweet! How cute is that?! Damage me with too much sex and playtime... lol... Maybe He forgot for a second that i am a dirty little whore... ;-)

i assured Him that i would not get damaged and that i am His piece of property and He can use me  whenever He wants... and so He did, face fucking and anal sex, which are 2 of my favorites now. Sometimes, He still needs that assurance and encouragement... vanilla conditioning sucks... i know i am happier serving Him and having Him in charge, but sometimes, i think i do a lot around the house or i think that nothing is fair... i know that He is happier in charge, but sometimes, i think He worries that He is too demanding or that He doesn't do enough.

In reality, we both work together to get it all done. He charts the course and i help us adhere to it. If there was one thing i would change, it would be to take away those worries that i know float around in His brain so He could be free to command without feeling demanding or domineering as He is not either of those things.

i love You Daddy, i belong to You, i am all Yours :-)

Friends

i am pretty sure i have mentioned this on here before, but i have the most amazing friends ever!! They don't judge me and they love me and they are so accepting of me. i have a lot of different types of friend too, but my closest friends all know about my lifestyle and some even read this blog.

i was actually able to see and help three of my friends this weekend.

One needed help with Christmas gifts for clients so i taught her how to make peppermint sugar scrubs for cheap! She came over on Saturday and we made a batch. The best part though... She asked why i wasn't wearing my ears when she came over and so i put them on and we made the scrub with my ears on! It was so much fun!! The scrub reminded both of us of beach sand, so we called it Christmas sand and built a sand castle in the mixing bowl!! i really enjoyed playing in the bowl with her. It was so much fun!

Another is dealing with a pretty big life issue, so i was able to lend support. She was able to vent her frustrations about the issue and get those feelings off her chest. Sometimes, life just sucks, so i am glad whenever i can lend a hand with easing the burdens of others. Then i was able to show her the flogger that i made and the new one we purchased. Mine is definitely stingier than the one we bought. She also asked to see the new paddle i won.

The last is preparing to open his business and it is crazy! So much time and effort and energy to get everything going, but it will be so worth it for him and his family. He has such a passion for helping people, so i am glad that this is all finally happening for him. If it wasn't for him and his help getting my son the medicine he needs, this blog would be very different and my life would not be so full of joy right now.

i love you all so much!! i love that i have friends who make me feel normal with ears on. i love that i have friends that trust me enough to share their struggles. i love that i have friends that dream big and help others. i love that i have friends that push me to do better and follow my heart. You are all so freaking amazing!!! :-)

To brat or not to brat?

Yesterday was a great day! i was able to hike a mountain and help a friend make some presents for Christmas (peppermint sugar scrubs, yay!) and see The Hobbit movie, which made me cry, of course. What was not great about yesterday? My attitude...

Yesterday, i was a little bit of a brat before we went to the movies. i kinda wanted to try it on for size to see if it was me... It was kind of fun being a little contrary, but Papa Bear did not like it at all. He told me i was being a bad girl and if we were at home, He would be using the belt to correct my behavior! Ahhhhh!

So i apologized profusely and promised to behave the rest of the night. After the movie, we finished up our Christmas shopping. i helped Him figure out what toys to get for our boys and hid them right when we got home. Then i made Him dinner without Him asking and served Him before starting on my own. i have started to study protocols and etiquette for slaves and am finding lots of useful guidelines to help me be a better slave.

After tlovesds went to bed, Papa Bear gave me the other presents that He got me... A purple glittery strap on and some black and pink crotchless underwear. Yay!! i can't wait to play with them! We sized the strap on and sent a picture of me wearing it to Beautiful.

Afterwards, Papa Bear spanked my ass for all of the attitude and face fucked and ass raped me into submission. While His cock was deep in my throat and i couldn't breathe, He was asking me questions and yanking on my hair. Questions like who do you belong to and was your attitude today acceptable... It is really hard to answer questions with a throat full of dick, lol... Every time i tried to answer, dinner would try to come back up... Part of the torture...

What i found out was that Papa Bear does not want a brat. He wants a good girl that listens and always tries to do better. He loves His baby girl just the way she is. Being a brat was not too hard to slip into, so it is just something i needed to be conscious of. i am so glad He loves owning me and is willing to do what is needed to help me be the best me i can be. :-)

PIK (People into Kink

So, all around the valley, we have different groups, munches, socials, and classes an individual can explore when they are kinky. Last night, i went to a social hosted by PIK, on the east side. Everyone was really nice and i got there on time, which gave me time with a couple of guys that keep the group running.

We chatted for a bit and then others started to show. i hit it off really well with a little brat that was there and found out more about littles and brats, what they do in general, and what they like in general. We talked about the Renaissance Festival, animal ears and tails, and fun outfits and corsets.

After last night and my previous experiences, i think i may also be a little. i get along really well with littles, also like toys and fun stuff, look great in pig tails, and have a child like wonder about most things. i live to be a good girl, so i am definitely not a brat, but i think i may be a baby girl... So interesting exploring and researching. Labels aren't really necessary in the lifestyle, but are very important to me so i can kind of define myself. So far, i have determined that i am a slave at heart, submissive, and a little.

i am learning so much about the lifestyle and about myself and it is so much fun. :-)

Also, side note... i won a paddle in a raffle at the social!! So excited. i will post some pictures once we get to play with it ;-)

Wax..

Waiting.
Waiting and looking to Daddy for direction.
Maybe the table right in front of us... i look at Daddy, then the table, then Daddy...
He shakes his head... Not that table... Too close to all the action and too centralized...

Standing, watching, waiting for a chance to play...
Here's a table... Oh wait, never mind... It is taken by a couple that called dibs...

Sigh...

Waiting for an opening... Another table has opened up, but Daddy really wants the high table.  Beautiful suggests switching tables with the other couple and they acquiesce.

Oh... Um... Nervous... Time to get naked.

i pull my dress over my head and look around, nervous... No one looks... Breathe... i hold my breasts and walk quickly to the table, hop on quickly and start to breathe. Silly little foxy slave girl..

Focus and breathe.
Breathe.

Ssssssssss. The sound the air makes escaping my lips, through my teeth, as my body clenched and jumped.

It burned.  Biting into my left shoulder, then my mid back, then my lower back. Daddy's hands rubbing, rubbing the heat in, then rubbing the heat away. Then more pools spilling, spilling, spilling...

Then Beautiful came over to help. Feelings of heat, hot pools of wax, in 2 places at once, kicking me into space and overdrive at the same time. So weird to drift into space and then be brought back by the hot wax and then sent away again.

An ebb and flow of gone and then back. Floaty and then focused. Yin and Yang...

Then peace...

Tickling, oh so much tickling as it is scraped off. Sensitive and giggly and floating and focused and everything.
Riding on and off my cloud on the way home. Little spots on my back flaring with heat that is no longer there... Massages me to sleep...

Wake up! Daddy offers a belt spanking tomorrow or a wake up to plug the light in the bathroom back on... No debate, get up and plug it in... Put my dank straightener away... Fall back to sleep with promises and dreams of belt spankings if i forget again...

Testing limits

Papa Bear got a new purple and black flogger in the mail! He got it Monday, but i was so sick that we didn't get to play with it. Today, feeling a million times better, we got to play with it. My goodness, i love playing with my Papa Bear. He struck me with it everywhere and repeatedly until He found my soft spots and my sensitive bits. From time to time, He would nudge with a loud thwack that made me double in pain and cry out in ecstasy.

Then He would also rub me down and twirl the flogger strands along my back, bringing me to orgasm. After cumming twice, i blew Him nicely and then screwed Him until He and i burst together...

Such a nice night to play with my Daddy... Sigh... So content and so loved...

Worn down

So, i have been a little under the weather since Saturday and it hit full congestion levels yesterday... i hate it when my body forces me to slow down, but maybe i was doing a little too much... Going to events, playing with Papa Bear and Beautiful... Going to school... Working full time... Raising a family... Just listing it makes me tired...

Feeling a little better today, which is good because i have wax play with Daddy tomorrow and maybe a social on Thursday night... We will have to see...

On a side note, Papa Bear got a new flogger for me... Can't wait to play with it!! :-)

Naked in the kitchen

One funny thing that happened on Friday night was when we took that rest stop. Papa Bear went straight to the couch as we went to the kitchen to get supplies. He started to laugh a little when He noticed that He had 2 naked females getting into the fridge and getting food and water.  Beautiful stocked the fridge around me, counting out the beverages she was placing in as i made faces and shook my tits at Him. We loved giving Him the show and He loved watching it.

Yum Yum...

Yesterday... Hands down... Amazing...

Our date last night could not have gone better. We started off eating pizza and chatting again. Then as we were talking, Papa Bear said something about floggers and i took that as an opportunity to show off the one i made on Wednesday. Beautiful said that it looked a little stingy and we talked about how it felt when He throws it.

We started talking about the handle, because currently, the flogger i made doesn't have one. i know in my head what i want to do to make it, but was also curious about what Beautiful would like. To share her favorite style, we had to go get the rest of her toys ;-)

Once we had those out, she showed me a couple of options. It was really neat to see the different ideas and options. She then grabbed a thin wooden paddle and started paddling her own bottom! i saw and mentioned to Papa Bear that she needs a paddling. He saw her spanking herself and said "Is that right?" and she said "Well somebody has to get it started." lol!!

Papa Bear tried a couple of paddles on us and floggers too. We explored each other with our hands and lips. When i was getting flogged on the couch, she was standing in front of me and i just wanted to bite her... i love biting, but Papa Bear doesn't like it, so i get to bite this one part of His hand. Beautiful likes being bitten... i was able to bite her nipples so hard, she had little teeth indents which were beautiful to look at. My reaction to it surprised me and her, lol. i just got so excited and felt so proud of those little rings around her nipples... Mmmm...

Beautiful wanted to watch us together, so we went to her room and i jumped on the bed, goofing around... i looked over and Papa Bear was staring at me and then looking at His clothes... Oopsie! i quickly jumped off the bed, stripped Him down and took His cock deep in my throat to make up for the error. i really enjoy pleasing Papa Bear this way, but it was even better having Beautiful watch my efforts. It was nice to be appreciated by another for the effort i put into pleasing my Papa Bear.

i was able to get Him ready and started riding Him like crazy as  Beautiful watched us. She wanted to shock me while riding Him, but we didn't get that far before we all just needed to rest. All of that was so fun, but also exhausting, lol. We went out and got water and Papa Bear started playing with Beautiful again. We spent time playing all together on the couch. When we started focusing more on playing with me, we moved it back to the bed so my squirting  wouldn't mess up her nice couches.

While in bed, we focused on me for a while. Then we focused on Beautiful some more. i cannot even count the number of times we both orgasmed, but it was a lot! While playing with her, i decided to go down on her. She tasted yummy and it was easy to figure out what she liked. She came twice, screaming so loud... It made me smile. It was definitely an interesting experience as i have never gone down on a woman before.

i loved cuddling, but i liked it even more when i bit her ass... Lol... That was so much fun... i guess i knew i liked biting, but didn't realize just how much... Leaving teeth marks in her perfect ass... In a nice round circle... It was so hot!!

We ended up leaving around 2:30 in the morning... It was hard to go... i almost wanted to send Papa Bear home alone and just wanted to sleep over, but i had a hike at 9 the next morning with friends, so i went home...

Thoughts and love

So, i have been thinking a lot about my blog and my experiences. i actually have a few friends that read it, Papa Bear reads it, and a few acquaintances also read it. i really like this aspect because i have always been an open book and writing is a much easier way to express myself. 

i also started to get a little worried today about this aspect, because what if my thoughts or feelings hurt or affect someone else. After thinking about it and chatting with another friend, i decided that my blog will stay free of that worry. If you don't want to read my thoughts, then definitely stay off of this blog... ;-) 

i can easily type out how i feel without feeling crazy or judged. i can process through my emotions and get some of it out of my head. i can also provide insight for those that care enough to read into my mind and thought processes. It is just an overall useful tool for me.

The most interesting thing i have learned so far is that i can change with the wind, but my heart always stays in the same place. My heart loves like there is no tomorrow... This is amazing, but is also a kind of curse at the same time. i know that Papa Bear will always own my heart but it is big enough to let others in and once someone is in, there is no going back...

That brings me back to all of this dating we have been doing. What if i fall in love with someone before they love me? What if they fall in love with me first? Can i fall in love with too many people? These thoughts swirl in my brain. i can see our current love interest as someone i could fall for, which is great. It means that we are probably really compatible. i know that she may not be ready for a relationship and i will always honor that, but my heart is my heart and it is something i cannot and will not change.

As i was writing this last paragraph, i thought long and hard about potentially changing it or censoring myself because i don't want to cause anyone discomfort or scare someone away because i also know that some of my love interests will read this... Don't be afraid... If i fall and the same type of love isn't returned, we will still be great friends and my Papa Bear will always be there for me. :-* 

Date night

After work yesterday, we went on a date with our lovely lady. Papa Bear worked out all of the details with her before we went over. Her only limit... No oral for either of us, which was a relief for me, because i have never gone down and am not sure how i would handle it... As we drove over, i thought about the fun we could have... Anticipating what the two had planned for me.

The night started with a tour and a pizza. We talked, shared stories, listened to music, and really just spent time laughing and getting to know each other. We told naughty foxy stories and some of Papa Bear's childhood experiences. We listened to what she is really looking for in a Dom. It was so much fun and we were laughing so much, our faces were hurting.

Papa Bear then asked for me to get out the electric wand. He started shocking me with it and she seemed nervous about it. She had played with an electric wand in the past, but it was a lot stronger than ours. Once Papa Bear touched her with the wand, she saw how gentle it really was for her and started using it on me too.

Papa Bear had me get on my knees on her couch and bare my ass. They then took turns shocking and tickling my butt. Both liked seeing me shriek, giggle, and scream as i tried to wriggle away from the electric play. Then Papa Bear sat her in between us and shocked her as well. He had her get on her knees facing the back of the couch and i rubbed her back and played with her breasts and nibbled her arm while He shocked her. She did not shriek and wriggle, she moaned and came close to cumming for us.

She is so soft! i was able to nibble and suck on her lovely breasts. i loved watching and helping her orgasm several times with our gentle play. i loved seeing Papa Bear's smile as He choked her and whispered the sweet nothings i get to hear in her ear and her body responded.

She had so much control over her body. She was able to hold her legs still as Papa Bear tickled her feet!! i would have been flailing all over the place and probably would have gotten into trouble for moving too much, lol...

My favorite activity of the night was when i was on my knees in between her legs and she had me by the hair and was leading my head around her body to suck, nibble, and kiss. At the same time, Papa Bear was choking her and nibbling on her neck or ear. Her whole body responded as our naked bodies rubbed all over each other. It was so lovely.

Then we had to go because it was getting late and we had limited time with the sitter at home. We packed up all of our stuff when Papa Bear noticed that we hadn't tried the new lollipop paddle we got in an auction. He was getting ready to spank me when she kindly recommended with her sly grin that i lean over the back of her couch for support, which also popped my ass out a little further. He took that out and gave me a thump on one ass cheek and she slowly thudded and then thumped me on the other.

The drive home was nice as Papa Bear and i talked about the experience. We got home and had some nice sec before i took a hot bath and went to bed.

Death and illness

i took another APEX class yesterday, but this one focused on a topic that most people don't like to think or talk about... What happens to those left behind after the death of a loved one and what are important legal items to have in place to make sure you can take care of an incapacitated individual when a serious illness strikes.

i deal with care giving and serious illness often as my middle child has epilepsy, global developmental delays, and autism. It is hard... Very hard... But we have always been able to push through it. One thing i have tried not to think about is what would happen if Papa Bear left suddenly, leaving me with 3 kids to raise and no Master to help keep me happy and on track.

Without my Master's control, i feel like i would be lost. i would be able to force things to work, but i would not be happy and i would probably miss things... Things that Papa Bear takes care of. i wouldn't know what bills to pay and when. i would know what food to buy, but what if that changes as we get further into our dynamic...

We will be getting some legal things completed and in place, including a living will, to make sure that everything is covered... i am also potentially going to put together a household manual so that i know what to do, what bills to pay, what pest control agency we use, and all of that stuff.

i am also reading a book right now called Leading and Supportive Love by Chris Lyons. This book is showing me more about myself as well and kind of just putting my needs into words... i am not sure how i would make it without my Papa Bear and i am not sure how He would make it without me. Or relationship is very symbiotic and we really help each other survive.

On a side note, i found out that in our community, our relationship is known a as a  consensual non-consent M/s relationship and i am a no limits slave to my Master... interesting...

The aftermath

Playing on Friday changed my life... i am not sure if this sounds absurd, but quite honestly, i don't care. It is the fact of the matter... And it caught me by surprise. Maybe it didn't catch you by surprise, loyal readers or friends that i personally know that read my blog... But it sure surprised me...

i have been preaching for a while that everyone and every body is beautiful and this is something I truly believe. i tell my friends that, when they talk badly about their bodies... i tell my Papa Bear just how much i love His body and of course the things it can do to me... And i tell myself that when i look in the mirror and wish that i had perkier breasts or a flatter stomach... But i didn't really believe it for myself... i was trying to fake it till I made it... until i played...

Being naked on that piece of equipment for anyone in the club to see changed my views... Seeing the way that Papa Bear and our new friend looked at my body while they were flogging me and i was in sub space changed the way i look at myself... i never realized before that i am beautiful... i never realized that this body, after having 3 kids, is still perfect... Not the same kind of perfect it was when i was 18 and the stretch marks weren't there and everything was in a different place, but still perfect in its own way.

Sub space is a place that can deeply impact my beliefs and thoughts if i am in far enough... Believe me when i say that they flogged me into the deepest space i have been in to date... And their view of me changed my view of me. Seeing Papa Bear's attentive look, feeling His hands on me and hearing Him compliment me switched something. Seeing our new friend's beautiful smile, hearing that she wished she could take a picture of me (of me!!!), and feeling her hands and mouth on me, calling me beautiful and baby girl... These things all changed me for the better... Gave me confidence in myself...

i will probably always wish that i had perkier breasts and a flatter stomach, but now... when i look in the mirror... i don't see my dangling breasts and squishy stomach as something to be ashamed of or as something to hide from... i see them as a beautiful piece of work in progress. This is my body and it is amazing. It can do so many things and take so much on and it is simply amazing to me now that i didn't really believe it before...

This experience changed a lot more about me than that, but this change is the one i want to share with the world... The others were a bit too personal to share on here. Maybe one day, but not now... Thank you for reading 😘

Dungeon 101

Fair warning right away... This is going to be a long posting, so i suggest grabbing a cup of cocoa to enjoy along with it...

It is really difficult to know where to begin... It was so amazing... Maybe a couple of days ago...

As i have been writing about, Papa Bear and i are looking for a woman to play with... A third that meshes well with us... Eventually, we want to find a long term relationship, but for now, it is all about having fun and dating others. That being said, i have been sending messages to women on Fetlife to see if they would like to play. i have received a couple of responses, but nothing that has panned out as of yet.

As you know, we have also been taking classes on BDSM topics to see if we could find someone while also obtaining new knowledge. At the 24/7 event, we met a beautiful woman who complimented my dress. We chatted and connected. i have written about this experience in previous posts, but i wanted to include it here because i feel the entire journey is so important to take in context and i want to read this again, maybe 10 years from now and remember...

She and i hit it off right away. We started dating basically. Went out to eat a few times, talked to get to know each other better, texted throughout the day... Probably a little too much in retrospect, but that is just me. i fall for people fast... Not just lovers, but friends too. Once i figure out that something could be amazing, i turn my dial to "i want it" and am kind of tenacious about it... Sometimes to a fault... if someone asked Master's puppy, she would agree and probably add in that sometimes, it is downright annoying, lol...

While dating and chatting, i found out that she had never been with a woman in the threesome sense or the BDSM sense and that i was the first woman she was attracted to enough to want to try it with. HUGE compliment! So we started to set it up... It was a little difficult at first because of my kiddos... Trying to make an  experience like that happen in a safe place was also really important for her as she has never played with us or seen us play together... Thankfully, APEX offers a space like that and offered an amazing class to teach us about their dungeon that included time to play afterward...

Now, we had a place and a time, we just needed to figure out the details... Pre-play negotiations are so important, but also a little difficult to navigate when you have only played with one person and that person is your Master, who basically controls how everything goes. i had to think about limits and boundaries... What i like and don't like... What names are acceptable for me to be called... What areas of my body were of limits... It was a very interesting process for me. Not that i haven't thought about those things at one time or another, but this was different... i had to think of them in context with someone else and not my Papa Bear.

We determined that she was going to top me after watching Papa Bear and i play together for a little bit. This would also help me feel comfortable, because my Papa Bear was there with me. i have only made out with girls in the past, but am bisexual and enjoy the look and feel of women.

We went out to eat before and i was already in my new fun corset, so i barely ate anything. When we got there, we started out with a discussion on the etiquette of playing at a party and what the actual rules are and aren't. It was very informative. We then we're able to see inside the play bags of more experienced members, ask how things work, and where they were purchased for future reference. We

We took another tour of the facility, but it was a little different with the space set up for play and with a scene in mind. Papa Bear saw a couple of places He could potentially use for the scene. When we were done with the tour, the lights went down and some experienced members were doing scenes on the main floor. We watched and chatted for a moment, but i started to get impatient... i was watching for Papa Bear's lead, but He wasn't making any moved and neither was she, so i started whispering to Papa Bear.

It turns out that He was nervous! This kind of surprised me as He was staying fully clothed and i was going to be bearing it all... After speaking with Him longer, i found out that He was nervous for me and wanted to make sure that i had a positive and private experience. i assured Him i was ready and we went to the first place He was interested in.

Under the balcony, there was a space with suspension stuff. We went under there, but the lighting was wrong and it was a little warm. Papa Bear usually gets hot fast, so that area didn't seem like it would work this time. We went to the second place, which is set up as a jail cell. He hooked me to the St. Andrews cross and the 2 of them flogged me.

It was amazing. The feelings were intense and very worth it. Having Him warm me up and then her take over while He kissed me and made sure i was okay... Having Him take over and her come to me asking how i was doing... Having both flog me at the same time... Having both suck on my nipples at the same time... Feeling her nails on my back and her hand smacking my ass... Having 2 people playing with and admiring my naked body... i didn't even think when we started the journey to 3 way play that i would be in the middle, taking it from both sides and absolutely loving it from both sides...

i could not have asked for a better experience. Aftercare was just as amazing, with cuddles from both... Papa Bear rubbed my legs and feet while she rubbed my arms and hands... i really wanted to just stay like that... My naked body tangled in their clothed ones... Having then fawn over me... i never realized that would even be something i would like... And she glowed!! She smiled and her face lit everything up. He smiled and i felt safe and sound. i just want to do it again...

Excited and anxious

Ahhh! Friday is tomorrow... Tomorrow is Friday...

If i could anxiously pace online, i would... Pacing...

My nerves are just part of my normally anxious personality. i am really excited to play and try the equipment available at the dungeon. i am really excited to play with my new friend to see if that spark exists in that moment as well...

i have a new fun outfit to wear. i got my hair and eyebrows done. Just need to pick out nail polish, shave the day of, and decide how to do my makeup. i will be curling my hair, so i will need to do that tomorrow as well...

Papa Bear really helped me get over the nerves i had about my body. He has been doing little photo shoots of me in different positions and in different gear to help me get used to being a little objectified. i am not really used to that sort of attention... Maybe i was when i was younger, but it has been a while since i have gone to a club or partied with other people in a sexually charged environment... so it all feels really new.

Papa Bear has also been sending pics to our new friend and her reaction has helped a lot as well... It is really hard to think of myself as sexy when my Papa Bear is the only one who has seen me naked... Now that she has and has also said how adorable my body is, i am not scared... My Master really knows what He is doing with me...

How i love and adore Him... i am so glad that He owns me 😊

Playtime and Preparation

Yesterday at work, was so boring! Thank goodness my Papa Bear made the night really interesting. We cuddled for a little while and talked about the day... All snuggled together,  head resting on His shoulder, i wanted to play...

foxy: Daddy... Can we play?
Papa Bear: oh, do you really want to play, little girl?
foxy: yes, please Sir...
Papa Bear: I don't know... you were yawning earlier and were so tired...😏
foxy: i am not tired Sir... Oh, please Sir...
Papa Bear: yes, we can play... Get out everything.
foxy: 😮😶... Yes Sir...

And boy, did we play... Papa Bear bound my wrists and chained me up. He used the gag mask and blind fold. We used the flogger, the anal hook, the paddle, maybe other things too... i am kind of foggy on everything because that gag gets me into sub space so quickly.

My favorite moment was when He flogged my back a little too hard and it hurt, so i asked Him if He could rub it and He pulled me on His lap and rubbed my shoulder out, petting and massaging me at the same time until i was past the pain... He takes such good care of His dirty little whore.

We are getting ready for our very first play party with others and last night was a test run of sorts... and i loved it... Other people could have been staring at us and i wouldn't have cared or even noticed... It was just Him and i in the darkness of the blind fold... i was floating and safe and cared for and loved.

i could feel His love in every stroke of the flogger and in every touch. i could feel it in the sound of His voice and the click of the camera as He took pictures. i was in awe of His strength and self-control and i think He was in awe of my willingness and my passion... i live for this... i live for Him... Just thinking about last night makes me want to do it again... Every day... Forever...

Holding hands

How could such a small thing like holding hands get me so excited? i am used to holding hands and a heck of a lot more with Papa Bear, but holding her hand really affected me... The entire time, i could not get out of my head. Was i holding her hand too tight? Probably, since i am used to holding a huge bear paw... Is it weird if i lightly rub her hand with my thumb? Am i doing this right?

Our fingers interlocking looked like a candy cane... Her red glittery nails and my white glittery ones... And then, crap! Spilled water all over the floor cuz i kicked my cup over when i wasn't paying attention to my legs, which were being fidgety because i was nervous...

After cleaning that up, went back to holding hands in a different position, so yep... i was probably crushing her fingers, poor thing... Her hands are soft and delicate.

i got lost in holding her hands... What is it going to be like when and if we move forward from there... Will i lose myself in her lips, in her eyes, while snuggled in her arms... Sigh...

Caning and Sweet Nothings

Yesterday was an amazing day! i love when i can wake Papa Bear up properly! i was able to get almost all of the laundry done, which is a feat when you have 3 growing and crazy boys in the house and none of them are past wetting the bed at night...

Papa Bear made me a new collar out of paracord that is a bit too tight, but i actually like that it leaves a mark around my neck. His next attempt will be thicker and will include a metal ring, lol...

We were able to go hang out with Master's puppy and her Owner. We had dinner, fun conversation, and a great time overall. i brought over our electric wand and she was able to give that a try. Clothing actually makes it arc more, so it was funny to  watch as her Owner used it on her. It is really hard to stay still when you hear it coming to shock you.

Papa Bear requested that she hit me with a bamboo stick to help my pain tolerance and she got in a couple of smacks before she had to stop because she felt bad... Awe!... She gave it to Papa Bear and told Him that He could have it... to take home!! Gosh darn it!! So then Papa Bear took over and i am so happy i wore jeans instead of a dress. The jeans didn't help when He hit me on the back and that left a little mark on my shoulder... Nothing too bad, but i am a big pansy, lol...

After we got home and got the last kid to bed, Papa Bear caned me with the bamboo stick, bare assed... He started me in a standing position, but then moved me to a crawling position before resting in an ass in the air/ head down position. He caned my ass and my back... Thank goodness my breasts are off limits right now or those probably would have been hit as well...

Papa Bear then mounted the stick above the door that leads to our bathroom. He usually uses that as a play area because He likes to have me hold the door frame and stay still while He plays with me. Last night, He had me on the bed, ass up and caned and spanked me until my cheeks were a lovely shade of pink.

Afterwards, while His cock was buried deep in my ass, He called me a dirty bitch... It took me by surprise... Master's puppy was just telling me that her owner called her a bitch and how she thought it was hot... i am not sure how i felt about it... Then, He called me a cum dumpster... ew! i then had to call myself those names and beg for Him to fill up His cum dumpster...

As He exploded, i started to cry... It was a gentle cry, like a release... Like something has been needing to give and it finally did... i think that by calling me those things, He changed something in me... Not something big, but something small... i am not sure what, but i feel a little different today... A little more owned... A little more like a belonging instead of like a separate person He does things to...

i know this is a long post and i thank you, my dear sweet reader for reading to the end.

Sexy time

We finally got to have sex last night... He tried to be gentle and avoided bumping by breast, which was great. Otherwise, He was just as rough as He normally is... Poor guy... When He first met me, He was a gentle and tender lover... After 12 years of being together, He now likes to drag me around and screw me hard.

Last night, He didn't really initiate anything because He is being careful with me... Then i started using Sir as i massaged His cock in my hands... Sir, what would You like to do with Your slave?.. Sir, do You want Your belonging to suck Your wonderful cock? Sir, i am such a dirty little whore... i kept this up and basically dehumanized myself into a toy or belonging until He grabbed a fistful of my hair and dragged my mouth to His yummy cock... He spanked my ass hard every time i came up for air, lol...

We did reverse cowgirl vaginally until He came the first time, then i stood up and shoved His cock in my ass... He was so hard... i rode Him in that position until He came again... He told me to get off of Him, but i was a bad listener and just leaned back a little... He grabbed the back of my throat and my right thigh and just used me as hard as He could until He went again... It was so hot!!

i wonder if i will get in trouble for not listening... If i do, then the punishment is totally worth it... i would rather get a spanking for not listening when the result is that He was able to explode 3 times in that night... i love pleasing my Papa Bear.

Worry...

So, on Wednesday, i had a biopsy done of that stupid spot that was found on the mammogram and i have to wait until Monday or Tuesday for the results because of the holiday... i am a little worried, but putting on my brave face for now... i have been telling myself, "could be benign and there is no need to worry before the results come... i shouldn't worry needlessly..." and things along those lines, but it is still scary... Still worrisome... sigh...

On a positive note, via text, the spark with the new girl is smoldering... Can't wait to see that spark turn into a flame... We are now doing a three way text and it is so flipping hot to see Papa Bear and her talk about sex and fun things to try.  Our dynamic seems to still be working well while starting the dating process, which makes me really happy. i am trying to make sure i am balancing my time with Papa Bear and her so that i am paying attention to both of them. The three way texting is definitely helping me with this because i feel like we all have equal opportunity to meet and chat...

As a woman, i have so many insecurities about the way i look and behave... In a way, it is another area i am worried about, but it is an excited and nervous worry, versus the doom and gloom worry waiting of on stupid biopsy results...

Current worries regarding next step in the threesome process:

• i look a lot better with my clothes on because i carry my weight well... What if she runs screaming when she sees my body? What if i am not really what she is looking for? What if i am too insecure? too fat? too flabby?
• i am a big pansy... What if i can't handle her level of play? Should i even be concerned about that? i am sure Papa Bear would handle us differently based on our individual levels...
• i am nervous... What if she doesn't like it? What if i don't like it? What if Papa Bear doesn't like it? That last one is highly doubtful, but you never know. He has only seen me make out with strippers at the club, not with someone i can see myself becoming invested in... What if i get too nervous? i can sometimes have an anxious personality and it can get me really ramped up and ready to go or can make me over think things...
• i am kind of neurotic... What if she finds that annoying or just too crazy, lol?

As you can tell, the what ifs are endless... That being said, i am still excited and eager to please... Both my Papa Bear and her...

Three's company :-)

So, we have found someone to play with. i am excited and giddy and kind of feel like a school girl at the moment. She is so nice and wonderful and thinks i am attractive and amazing and adorable...

i am nervous, but excited... We texted each other a lot last night, chatting about fun stuff and figuring each other out. She said that Papa Bear and i have a special relationship... i have always thought so. i am so lucky that we fit so well together with our kinks and our quirks...

On a side note, i received several compliments today and i think it was because i focused on making deliberate movements and keeping great posture, lol...

Body Language

Last night, i took a class on body language and the importance of being graceful and elegant in this lifestyle. i am really enjoying these classes and the amazing members of APEX. i have learned that i really need to focus on the following:

• Arm placement
• Body awareness
• Awareness of others
• Facial expressions
• Posture

i will be purchasing a full length mirror to help focus on these items as well as see how i look when i walk and focus more on deliberate movements. Such a great class.

Before the class, i met with an amazing individual that could be really fun to connect with. In the very least, i believe i have made a great friend...

Our M/s dynamic

i really loved the knowledge that i received at APEX tonight with a 24/7 presentation. Watching another Master and slave interact with each other and talking with them about how they live the lifestyle was so nice and refreshing. It made me feel more normal and it helped me see some areas that i really need to improve on.
My biggest takeaway was changing my thought processes to include that everything i do, i do because Papa Bear is in control and that is what He would want me to do. This means that i am a slave at all times, regardless of where i am at and what i am doing. This is usually a concept i struggle with because there is a big chunk of the day where i am away from Papa Bear.

i basically learned the following:

• Kids don't care and won't really ask because they don't really want to know
• Kids won't necessarily follow down the kinky path
• There is nothing wrong with teaching the importance of service in your home
• We are definitely similar to other M/s couples
• Leading and Supporting Relationship is a key term when explaining what we do to the more vanilla crowd
• Others looking in will generally think i am just an amazing wife that is taking care of her husband, not some kinky little slave in a collar

Once we got home, i made our home ready for the night, did the dishes, got stuff ready for the next day, set out Papa Bear's waters and medications. We snuggled and commented on a new friend's post on Fetlife and talked about the event and how we both felt about TTWD. We are both really happy with our dynamic and the progress we are making. He then kept me up all night with throat raping and anal sex. He said that He just couldn't keep His hands off His dirty little whore slave...

Today, i am functioning on about 4.5 hours of sleep, but i feel amazing. i feel owned and cared for... i feel sexy and beautiful... i feel ready to take on anything the world throws at me because my Papa Bear is always going to take care of me. 😌

Poly?

So, last night, we played pretty hard. i am getting better at taking stingy pain, which is the one He prefers to dole out. My breasts had red slashes all over them because of the thin vinyl flogger pieces.
It was so hot! He gagged me, which is my new favorite thing.

We talked a lot about polyamory and trying to find a third wheel for our marriage. Such an interesting topic. i guess there is even a TV show about it on showtime... It has been coming up a lot, so i am starting to try to figure it all out for me...

Growing

i am learning so much about myself, my Papa Bear, and what the future could hold for us since i've started to explore the BDSM community. i have found that i am open to more than i thought and as my mind is opening, i am having trouble accepting the new boundaries... i will get there... right.... i have to get there.... Sigh...

Different Class

So, Papa Bear decided against the Needles and Staples demo. After looking at a bunch of pictures of people playing with needles and staples, He decided that He would not ever be interested in playing with those implements. Since we had a sitter in place, we found another educational discussion on how to negotiate scenes and relationships, which was very interesting.

We were able to meet others in the community and learn useful information. We can also see how playing at a dungeon could be useful and fun, so play parties may still be in our future. We are still going to sign up for membership at APEX and go to their classes and are now looking at joining TNG as well. The community is big, but small at the same time. i am so glad that we went, but i feel like today is going to be a rough day at work because we were up so late.

Classes at APEX!

After the Kink Karnival and my nervousness, Papa Bear said that He wants me to focus more on making friends with others in the lifestyle so i can get out of my own head. If a friendship eventually turns into something more, then awesome, and if it doesn't, you can never have too many friends. That being said, i suggested we join the local club and get involved. There are support groups and classes where you can learn new skills, which is something i love. i am very passionate about learning. Now, we are prepared to take a class today on needles and staples!

i am nervous and excited! Never thought about playing with those items, so it will be interesting to explore. Also, we should be meeting some new people or visiting with people we met previously at the open house and the Karnival. Wish us luck ;-)

Mastering me...

i love my Papa Bear so much.

He has figured out officially how to master me and my crazies. So, yesterday may have been blown a little out of proportion... i felt like He was ignoring me, but it turns out, He was thinking of how to handle this situation. Last night, He handled it and restored the communication piece while also setting future expectations for me so i don't get worried and anxious again in the future...

i got home from work yesterday and exercised great restraint by only asking Him once if He got my message from the night before. He said that He had, so i waited for a minute, but He didn't say anything else, so i walked away and did other things. i am really proud of this behavior, because I normally would have pestered... if you ask my Papa Bear, He would say that i can be annoyingly pesky at times...

After getting the kids to bed, i put on my collar and we watched The Walking Dead, which was awesome! i love the character development part of the show. Then, i put on these sexy stiletto heels and finished getting everything ready for bed. Once in bed, instead of fooling around, He started to ask me questions...

Papa Bear: So, what is it exactly that you feel you are not ready for?

foxy: ummm... pretty sure i am not ready to eat a girl out or to be eaten out by another girl...

Papa Bear: What about kissing?

foxy: ya... i could kiss anybody... kissing isn't really that intimate to me... people kiss their friends...

Papa Bear: What about naked body to body contact?

foxy: i am not sure, but i think that would be fine... before clothes existed, i think people still hugged... sigh... i just don't want the sex part... i want my sexual experiences to just be Yours... You know?

Papa Bear: I understand... you are mine and you will do as I say. I want you to know that I will take these things into consideration, but if I order you to do something you are uncomfortable with, you will do it (said with authority)

foxy: yes Sir... Thank you for taking my thoughts into consideration... i am so grateful to have such a thoughtful Master...

After this conversation, i felt a million times better... i love that He listened to me and asked clarifying questions. i love how He still spoke with authority and still gave me orders and that He said He would keep my concerns in mind. i love how open the communication was and that He took the time to think about it before responding to me last night. i feel loved and heard and owned all at the same time... probably the best feeling that i as a slave will ever feel... and the fact that He addressed this the way He did will also bring down my anxiety if something happens in the future, because i know He will address it...

On a side note, i found out that He loves the collar on me and likes the way it looks, but feels He gave it to me too easily... He really wants me to earn it, but is not sure what i need to do to earn it... We will probably discuss this more in the future... anyone have any suggestions ;-)

The new collar

i am a little sad and a little worried... i think Papa Bear is upset with me... not punishment upset, just upset or maybe disappointed in me... i told Him that i felt like i am not ready for the threesome He wants. i let Him know that I would still be willing to do it, but i am worried about what it will do to me... He took in my feedback and then seemed fine for the night.

After i got the kids to bed, we were able to play for a bit. i was feeling extra slave-y in my new collar, so i thanked Him for it and told Him so. i let Him know how much i love it and how good it makes me feel to be owned in such a way. i am really happy about my new collar!

Then, i asked Him how He feels when He sees the collar on me... He immediately shut down and said He didn't want to talk about that right now... then, He went to sleep and left me pondering and freaking out about what He could have meant by that... Could it be that i was finally in line with everything He wanted when He gave it to me, but now that i made that comment about my readiness, that i no longer deserve it? Could it be that the ownership also seems more real for Him as well and He is not sure how to handle those emotions? Could it be that He doesn't like it or He loves it?

i am so confused... sigh...

Kink Karnival and worries

Oh my goodness, yesterday was so busy, it was crazy...We went to a Kink Karnival, which was so fun. We saw demonstrations on caning, flogging, whipping, electric play, and the fire wand. Turns out, Papa Bear is just in love with the Violet Wand... as soon as He is working and we have extra funding, He is going to purchase one. i am not sure that i will ever get used to being shocked, but i am ecstatic that He found something to be passionate about and am more than willing to help Him explore more.

After the event, we went out to eat and then went to Castle Megastore to take a look at the new remodeled store and take a look at the new merchandise. We had fun and were helped by a wonderfully knowledgeable girl who seemed to want to play... This could have been a part of her sales technique or maybe she was interested. i know that Papa Bear really wants a threesome, but i became really nervous and basically ran away from the conversation... i felt really bad, so when we got home, i called the store, got her name, and left my name and number for contact. When she called back, my nerves kicked back in and i felt like a damn teenager asking for a date... i don't think it went well, but i guess we will see...

i felt really sick afterwards and went to bed early. Papa Bear and i talked about it and He said my nerves just got to me and to not worry because we would take it slow... now that it is really real, i am running into an issue... i love my Papa Bear and want to give Him everything... i don't really want to share myself with anyone but Him on a sexual level... but that is what He wants... sometimes being a slave is so hard... i am ready to do whatever He requires, but am also afraid that this particular act will break me... and i am already so broken... hopefully, He will help me pick the pieces back up again...

Talking and Spanking

i told Papa Bear of my frustrations last night and we talked and spanked it out... He is so protective of me! He wants to see me be happy and is helping me remember that i am not perfect. i have flaws... lots of them... but not more than any other person... so we will work on those together.

The spankings were to assist with building up the pain tolerance. i actually have little bruises this time, which has never happened before, so i am glad i could take it. He told me to hold still and to shut up... i find that without that direction and His look of warning, i cry too fast and it all becomes very dramatic for me...This time, i focused on being quiet and the focus and the spankings slipped me into sub space... yay!! i love being there and wish i could stay forever... sigh... We used both crops that we have, His hand, and that stupid electric wand. i think He is reserving the belt for punishments, but i am not sure...

Today, we are going to a kinky event, then to a vanilla event, then to who knows where... Papa Bear has been talking about the strip club, but i think He also said we don't have money for it... maybe, we will just figure out a place to hang. Also, for those interested, i am now on fetlife. Same handle, so look me up if you are interested.

Punishments and pain tolerance

Ahhhhhh! i am just getting so pissed off at myself! Finally! Finally, He steps it up... He takes it to where i have wanted it to be for years and what do i do... i constantly screw up... i leave drawers open... i give attitude... i feel frustrated with myself and how much i suck at being a slave... i have everything down and handled in the bedroom department, but completely suck at the rest of it...disappointing Him, this man, is killing me... it breaks my heart that i continually fail... When i feel like a failure, it is really hard to snap out of it because of those damn perfectionist tendencies that i have... sigh...

So, the bedroom drawer was finally closed and i left the bathroom one open! He gave me a hard hand spanking right away, so i figured that i got off easy on that infraction. Turns out, i was wrong... i still received the belt spanking that was promised in the event when i break a rule or behavior requirement. This time, He told me that i better shut my mouth during my punishment because the windows in our room were open and He didn't want the neighbors to hear... so i wriggled quietly on the bed... zipping my mouth shut... breathing in agony... then, He shocked the areas where the belt hit with that stupid electric wand, raped my mouth and my ass, and made me promise i wouldn't forget again...

Then, this morning, i got all the way to my son's room to get him ready for school before i realized i had left the drawer open again! i ran back to the room and shut it and He was so pleased that i remembered to come back and check it. He teased me about it a bit, but i could tell it was in good fun.

As i lay in bed resting, stayed home sick today due to a really bad head cold and a son who caught a virus, we chatted about what He wants... i found out that He wants me to be a pain slut... He wants me to be able to take more than 1 belt spanking... He wants to slap me without holding back (which i didn't even know He was doing)... He wants to see my ass change colors...

This gives me a goal to shoot for... now all of my reading and online research will target improving pain tolerance so i can help Him teach me... i love helping Him... even if i am helping Him hurt me...sigh...

On a side note, the search for a threesome has officially commenced... more to follow...

Mammo... sigh...

Sometimes, TTWD helps me cope with things in life... a great example is my recent breast cancer scare. Papa Bear found a lump... so far, we have done the mammogram and ultrasound that both show that there is something there. Next step is to stick a needle in it, which i now have scheduled.

First off, i was told by friends that the mammogram would hurt because of the intense pinching that occurs when the machine flattens the breast for accurate pictures. i won't say that it was pleasant, but it was definitely not painful. Papa Bear grabs my breasts harder than that on a daily basis...

Secondly, i freaked out a little bit. i had an off day and left the damn drawer open as well... when we got home, He gave me a punishment belt spanking right away. It worked as a way for me to also cry about the injustice of that stupid lump. i have a lot to deal with already on a daily basis in my personal and home life, so the potential for cancer just pisses me off. Once i started crying, He held me. He calmed me down and talked me through better breathing methods. In this moment, He was able to show consistency and compassion, which are both things that i need in our relationship.

Hopefully, it turns out to be nothing. The scheduling person informed me that the day of and a few days after the procedure, i need to take it easy. Nothing rigorous... poor Papa Bear... i can't remember the last time that our sexual experience wasn't rigorous, lol...

And then i f#cked it all up...

So, great day... meet all of my goals... Book of Rules completely in line... great food choices... So we got to play.

That damn electric wand drives me crazy but Papa Bear loves it... absolutely loves how i jump when it touches me... i think He even loves how nervous and twitchy i get when i just hear it get turned on...  Papa Bear isn't affected by it at all. He found that if He touches Himself with it and then licks me or touches me, He can shock me! Guess what His new favorite thing is? Lol... also, shocking my collar turns it into a shock collar... ugh, do not like that either because i never know what part of my neck will be shocked. i mean, i still really like Him controlling me and making me stand still while He tortures me, but... sigh...

So all together, a great night... and then... that's right, i f#cked it all up... so, i am currently going to school and i had to do some homework stuff online and was waiting on my team to turn in their parts. They finally turned in their items and i was pulling everything together when He started messing with me... Before i knew it, i was cumming and without permission!

He couldn't believe it, but waited until after i finished submitting the teamwork before administering my punishment. This time, He set up a chair, had me kneel on it and lean over the back, with my hands on the bed. Then, He gave me one really bad belt spanking and a bunch of smaller ones that were falling on a tender behind.

i actually thought my safe word... thought it to myself and then put it away... you see, i am a pansy for pain... and He knows that, but He also knows what i can take... thank you Papa Bear, for always knowing how far to push me... One day, i will be your little pain slut... One day...

Owned and Punished

i know i briefly wrote yesterday about the open house and that experience, but i did not write about the after, so here goes...

On our way home, i cautiously asked where we were going. Papa Bear (new designated name for my Master... He is my Papa Bear and i am His little fox... thanks Master's puppy!) said probably to Wal-Mart and then home. i was a bit relieved as He was previously talking about going to a strip club after. i was nervous about going to a strip club. i haven't been in ages and even then, i was pretty drunk pretty quick... now, i don't drink, so.....

Anyways... while we were in the store, Papa Bear had me push the cart and then He basically cat called at me. One time, i had to stop to let a little old lady through and He smacked my ass hard, making me jump. The little old lady looked at me in shock and said "I'm sorry! I am just trying to find what I am looking for" and ran into the isle... lol... omg, how embarrassing...

But i loved it... the thrill of it just turned me on so much... sigh...

Later, when getting ready for bed and reviewing the Book of Rules, i commented that i was stuffed and would probably be heavier tomorrow. He asked why and i explained the bad food choices i made at dinner. He just stared at me while i finished putting the laundry away, which i hate... then He beat my butt so hard with a little XOXO paddle that we have... leaves little hugs and kisses markings on my butt... He then roughly proceeded to use me without any lube... then, He used sex to punish me!!! He had me keep going and threatened to use me all night and still make me go to work the next day... i am guessing that my next punishment will include that aspect :-(

i hate being punished... i hate being bad enough that i force Papa Bear to punish me... i hate the embarrassment that comes with writing about it here where i have friends i see that can read it... makes me want to do better and be better... so, a very effective punishment... hopefully, i don't give Him any more reasons to punish me...

Love you Papa Bear. Thank you for helping me and for making me feel so desirable!

Not for us...

So, we tried the scene thing and it just doesn't feel like it was for us... i am still glad we gave it a shot though... you never know when you are going to connect really well with another person and i never want to miss out on an opportunity to meet more of my people. i feel like we could have made some friends there, but we never really would have liked the naked dungeon parties, lol...

***update - as of 11/20, we have had our horizons broadened a little more and can now see how this could actually work for us. Just wanted to come back to this post and say that it is important to never write something off, because your opinion could change from one day to the next :-) ***

The mask of submission...

Yesterday was a pretty good day! i was basically a nervous bundle of energy because we are going to the event on Sunday now. i was able to email the group and receive additional information so that we are prepared. i have someone lined up to teach my Sunday School class and Master was able to get a sitter for the kids.

i am a preparer and a planner, so this event kind of being sprung on me last minute makes me nervous... what if we don't fit in? What if they don't like me? i am a bit of a people pleaser (shocking, right?) so new people make me nervous simply because i don't know what to do yet to please them... i am so weird sometimes... sigh.. Thank goodness Master's puppy is coming.

Master and i played for a bit and then went over the Book of Rules. Still a great day. i did really good at making healthy food choices and walked for 2 miles on my lunch and break at work. i pitched a fit again about the egg pan, but when He said to stop, i stopped. i think we made need a rule about complaining about the egg pan, lol...

Lastly, our newest toy came in the mail while i was at work. Oh my heavens, it was amazing! The ball gag mask took a little getting used to, but helped me feel submissive down to my very core. It just automatically pushed me into the right headspace... first, Master had me for the chin strap correctly, then had me hold it in place while He buckled the remaining buckled and made sure it was snug. Then, He had me go turn on all the lights in the room so He could take pictures of how it looked from different angles and videotaped as He pulled my head back to show of His control in the situation. Boom, right into subspace. He repeatedly smacked me with the crop while i was down on my hands and knees after and said we needed to do that more because i was moving around too much.

A good day of discovery and insight...

After getting ready for work yesterday, i noticed that Master was awake, so i woke Him properly. He was not able to finish before my alarm to leave went off, but He said He still really enjoyed it. i said i will probably be thinking about it all day and He said that during work hours, i need to focus at work, so i try really hard to only think about work stuff and only chat with Master's puppy pretty heavily about TTWD activities. She mentioned that if they ever pull our IM records, they are going to be like WTF is wrong with these two? Thank goodness that we are both great at what we do, lol.

After a long day of working, giggling, and worrying about the damn drawer, i was able to go home to my Master. When i arrived, He was on the couch, so i sat next to Him on the floor. He grabbed my hair gently and then tugged my head back hard just to look at my face before asking what i was having for dinner as everyone else already ate. i got up, changed out of my work clothes (new ritual to help with mindset), made dinner, and then sat down at His feet to eat.

This space is an interesting place to be and i have not quite gotten use to it yet. i was just so used to being on the couch that i never thought that it could be considered a privilege to sit there. In a small way, sitting on the floor actually seems like a privilege to me... like i finally moved away from the title of equal partner wife to beneath His feet slave...

After dinner and getting the kids to bed, we went over the book of rules to see how i did for the day. It was a great day. i had a small anger outburst when i had to wash the egg pan... i feel He can handle it while i am at work, because after work, the egg is like glue on that pan... but when He said to stop, i stopped, which follows a new behavioral rule (when the order to stop had been given, it will be followed immediately)...

Because i was so good, Master rewarded me by trying something new meant just for me. You see, i have a problem with food... i love it... i work out really hard to offset the food, but have not been at my goal weight for a little while. This may seem like a weird off topic tangent, but it will make sense in a minute. i have recently noticed that i take suggestions from Master as fact during a specific point of sub space... It is not the whole time, but just one spot, so i thought that i should take advantage of that and have Master use that to help me. He agreed that it would be a great reward for me. During that space, He told me that i will make healthy choices so i will be thin and beautiful for Him and so that He can toss me around whenever He likes. So hot! We will have to see if it works...

We also had a new breath play experience. He had me stand up, back to Him, and had me rub His cock while playing with myself. He then wrapped His huge hand around my throat and pulled me up in the air until i was on my top toes and when He commanded me to go, i went and fell to the floor, almost fainting... that was amazing, interesting and scary all at the same time.

This has gotten really long, so i am just going to snapshot the rest...

• He also rewarded me with a bright pink ass and they were really hard hand spankings, but i accepted them proudly :-)
• He tortured me with the electric wand again by moving it across the blanket, which caused it to arc more... Ahhh!
• We found out that i really like anal when He has a death grip on one arm, locking it straight and the other hand had my throat or a fistful of hair... OMG, amazing!
• We talked more about trying to figure out how to make a threesome happen, so now i have to prepare to go to a power exchange group meeting to see if the community is a good place for us to be and potentially make that happen. i am really nervous, but also excited as Master's puppy and her Master are going already.

Phew... got it all in ;-)

Thank goodness for 50 Shades...

So, i have realized that i am really lucky... a lot luckier than other slaves in this lifestyle because i have friends that i can talk to that are open minded and that understand. 50 Shades provided an easy way for me to approach the subject with others. Many women read this book and all seem to have formed an interesting opinion about it.

One of my closest friends and i bonded over that book (you know who you are, puppy). Another of my closest friends understood my lifestyle a little more after reading it (yes, you silly kitty). Two of my co-workers with open minds and open hearts had heard of it or read it and it made it easier for me to chat with them about my lifestyle and open up... So how does this book really help? Well the convo is usually like this after talking about books:

"Hey, have you read 50 Shades?"

"Yes, it was interesting but the writing was horrible" or "Hell ya, woo!" or "No, but I know what it's about. I didn't read it because..." are all great answers to get talking...

This lifestyle can sometimes be so solitary. It is nice when Master allows me to share this piece of myself with others because it helps me not feel alone. One of my friends knows so much that seeing another friend in a fox outfit for Halloween made her throw up in her mouth a little... i guess that knowing your friend has a fox tail butt plug will do that to a girl, lol...

Hello Daddy!

So... Master has started reading my blog... i wasn't sure it would happen because He hates to read, but He is now reading it and i think He may be using it to His advantage, lol... One thing He noticed right away is that i did not mention the most recent infraction of the drawer... It was this last Saturday... or post the punishment i received for it... now, with this new audience member in mind, i will be writing a bit more about everything and my reactions... hopefully to give Him whatever insight He may be looking for.

While i was at work this last Saturday, He sends me this texted picture...

The OPEN DRAWER!!

i apologize profusely and made excuses, but agreed that i was wrong... a couple of days went by with some pretty kinky stuff going down... that first night, He electrocuted me... the second night, i gave BJs until i thought my jaw would fall off... i finally asked if any of that stuff was the punishment for the drawer and He said no... i told Him that i needed my punishment soon (silly girl) because the bad feelings and guilt were hanging overhead...

He opted to punish me that night, of course... Lately, i have been getting everything i ask for, lol... the punishment was to be a belt spankin... i hate belt spankins... hate them so bad. He told me it was going to hurt more than any one He had done before because this was a real punishment. He had me lay across the bed and bury my face in a blanket. i started to cry and beg immediately (need to work on taking punishment with grace) and then the belt hit me...

It felt as though my skin had torn and was shredded. It was so bad that i folded in half, grabbing my knees from the pain. He walked out of the room and let me cry and wriggle on the bed, but came back in once i had settled to a low whimper... It was so welted and red... puffy and painful... and the sadistic Master touched it... rubbed his fingers gently across the heated skin. Then He asked if i would remember the drawer next time. i said i would and He then continued to use every hole i have for His pleasure.

i have a pretty good aversion to that stupid drawer now, but i haven't left it open, so the punishment was a success... i hope this success will last a long time... i hate belt spankins... but they are an effective tool