I am fucking sick... Trying to work, but i keep coughing and sniffling when I talk and that really just had guys leaving as soon as they entered my page... which is super awesome with the bills I have... whoop whoop... I am thinking I may just need to cut the social life for a little bit and focus on working my butt off, once I am not sick again.
In trauma therapy (HARD AF), I finally uncovered the deeper trauma that I suffered that created the DID and it seems as though my DID has now gone into some kind of remission. I would love to say it is cured and I am fully integrated, but I have felt cohesive before and then it all fell apart again, sooooo... that being said, I have been using therapy the last couple of weeks to look at aspects of my life, relationships, feelings and where they all are now that the rollercoaster in my brain has stopped.
This week has been a toughie as I am now working on anger and I no longer have alcohol to kind of numb my feelings... that's right, sober for a week and a half now... and man are my emotions raw. Looking at my life, I have ensured that I have healthy boundaries and do a much better job at holding them up (dishonesty or abandonment equal an automatic exit from my life), that the people in my life are willing to hold to those boundaries, and that my feelings matter. Looking inside, I am still pushing my feelings to the side (especially anger or hurt) when an issue doesn't get resolved and it is something I have talked about before.
This is telling me that I believe my feelings matter enough to be heard, but not necessarily enough to be acted upon. I know I am okay with this in relationships where I don't act on the other person's feelings. In relationships where I make changes to bring joy or peace to someone else, I am learning that I am wanting my feelings to matter and when they don't, it hurts even more. I may have to make more changes to resolve the pain... and while that is scary, I also know it will be better for everyone in the end, including myself.
