Done

I am done writing in this blog...

To all my avid readers, maybe I will come back... but I highly doubt it. I have determined that my life is now my own business. I am no longer on display.

Have a fun filled life and make sure you focus on yourself... you are all you have... really... love you all.

Drama

I am past frustrated with a very good friend of mine that I feel is basically being an ass hat. My sorority (The Truth Hammers) and I would love to help you if you could get your head out of your own ass!

Why don't you explain yourself to me instead of letting me just not understand... why don't you let me be your friend... why do you have to be so stuck on how horrible you think everything is... why do you keep doing this to yourself?! it's enough...

I will not allow this energy sucking to continue. I love you and if you ever get your head out of your ass, unfuck yourself, and remember that the world doesn't revolve around you, only yours does, just like mine revolves around me, then I will be there...

Until then, just forget that I exist... I have too much sadness and pain in my life to be dragged around by you...

Please notice that I did not attach this to anyone specifically and it is Uber vague because I didn't want to ask permission to post this, so if the shoe fits, please wear it. Regardless of what time in my life you are reading this...

let this be a wake up call to yourself as well, foxy... if you read this and it sounds like you, please please make a change...

Twitterpated

To be a fly on the wall watching a couple in love... newly in love... twitterpated... I am overjoyed to see these interactions... now that I have released myself from the past by giving Daddy my control, I am no longer annoyed or angered or hurt by their actions with each other. I see these interactions for what they are: two amazing people connecting and learning and engaging and discovering, instead of them trying to hurt me.

So, on Wednesday night, Sweetheart sat in her chair before Daddy came outside. When he got outside, he noticed that his water was missing. He said where are my waters and she hopped up to get them.

Side note: I am liking that my chores are more oriented around caring for our home/family and hers are more focused on taking care of him (we all have a chore chart now!!!)... I have already been doing that for a while and love having the break... (love you Daddy!)

He sits in her seat, with the biggest grin on his face and says watch this... she turns around and sees him in the chair and her face looks so angry. He starts asking her what's wrong in a very teasing voice and she says, my chair! And sits in the other chair when he doesn't get up... and pouts... grumbly looking...

Then Daddy says something about her not forgetting about his waters if she wants to pick her seat. She glares. He asks if she wants her seat now. She says she doesn't... he asks her to stand up and come to him... I grin... she does... he grabs her and throws her over his lap and gives her 2 sound spankings right on the carport.

And her face... pink... flushed... grinning...

And his face... pink... flushed... grinning...

And my face... smiling... watchful... hopeful...

Oh, new love... how beautiful you are...

Carousel

And here I am again... a carousel of emotion... my anger left as I finished cooking dinner and I just wanted my Daddy to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay... so I walk into the room where he is resting and use the restroom. As I walk past, he lifts a hand and calls me to him with his fingers. I obey... it feels good... I lay down next to him... we started to talk about how I feel that he doesn't even think about me and before I know it, I am falling apart. I am crying. I am out of control...

I ask him why he doesn't try for me... why he isn't fighting for me... why he is letting the Bitch win... I have lost control... I am falling... I hate this... I need help... I beg him to help me...I am so broken...

And he tells me he isn't leaving. I tell him I know. Every time he has tried to fight, he loses. I tell him I know... he is discouraged. I tell him I know... he can't function well without her bright smile and happy laugh. I know... he just wants me happy. I know...

He says I am thinking too much and I believe he is right. I am thinking about the pain of the past instead of staying present. He will help me move forward in our current reality if I let him. Do I let him?

I need him to take back ownership because I need it, not because he needs it or demands it. I am thinking too much and I need to stop. I am allowing my mind to run rampant and drive me insane unnecessarily. I am giving it back. He can have my slavery back. I can't feel like this anymore... it's too much for me right now. I am dealing with enough... I don't need to create a situation where one isn't necessary. I just want to go back to being happy.

Opening up to Sweetheart

I woke up, hating him...

I don't usually do that... I usually wake up with love in my heart, but the frustration bled over from the night before. Another first in a long line of firsts in this new step in our lives, where he gets everything he has ever wanted and I continue to work in a job I hate, without the things I want. I think you can tell that I am just a little bitter about it all... and if you go back and read through this blog, maybe you will understand...

I started talking to Sweetheart about how I hate feeling this way. It doesn't make logical sense for me to dislike her at all, but when I looked at her, I just wanted her gone... away... out of my sight... she asked what part of me wants her gone, which helped me get to the bottom of it...

It isn't that I am jealous of her or her relationship with Daddy... I am jealous of him... he has his escape and mine are gone... He has his new love and i am happy for them, but at the same time, I don't like that he gets to have an amazing distraction from our sorrows when I don't... I don't like that he gets to love another woman when me loving other men always made him upset and agitated...

Sweetheart said that she just wants me to be happy and maybe she could be a toy for me or something since I am not relationshipping right now...

I started to think about it and if she is really staying, then maybe I can open my heart to her. I am still afraid of her leaving. I am still afraid of him leaving. I think abandonment issues from childhood don't ever go away... you just learn how to push them away. Leaving seems more realistic now that my hard limits have been crossed... it drives me crazy that I couldn't tell there was anything wrong that Sunday.

But I pushed past it all and the three of us played together.... more like we both played with her and she played with each of us. Sure, he and I shared kisses, but that was all... it was a fun evening and it went well overall... it seems like it could work...

Service with a smile

Last night was almost perfect... almost...

Getting ready to go was a hectic ordeal, but also a lot of fun at the same time. Then, we went out to eat and got the same waiter as Sir and I had long ago. This time, Daddy, and 4 women at the table. Dinner was great and then we were off to party.

At the party, Daddy did a hip harness on me at the beginning. He tied my wrist to my hip. I was able to walk around the party a bit on my own. I went to say hi to Sire , but he was in the middle of a whipping scene.

Then, we set up for Sweetheart's birthday spankings. People came to give her spankings and I was granted 2 of them. As she was getting spanked, Ma'am came to me. I was able to get her a water in service, which felt good. I truly enjoy serving her... she always puts me a little off center...

As everyone dissipated from the birthday spankings, Sire started on an amazing water suspension and he allowed me to assist. His model liked my smile and made me blush with his compliments. I appreciate the friendship we will hopefully keep. I was able to also take some fantastic pics for him using his phone.

After the suspension was in place, I went to find Daddy and Sweetheart. As I was walking to find them, Ma'am asked if I could basically be her fire monitor to ensure she didn't burn her clothes during her performance. I said I would love to and would just need to inform Daddy. She went about getting everything ready.

I found Daddy and Sweetheart in the playroom with the fan and she was giving him a BJ. I ran in, told them of my plan for assisting in fire play, then went back out.

While waiting to assist Ma'am, Sire inquired on assistance with undoing the water suspension. I was able to assist with untying the suspension points on the left side of the pool while he undid the ones on the right. Then, Ma'am was ready for me and I was able to watch her whole performance virtually uninterrupted. It was beautiful. Her hands holding flame. The flame dancing around her arms and torso.

An amazing party with me running around in service... made me so happy to feel useful and appreciated.

Then it was done and it was time to go... we drove straight home, which usually doesn't happen, but we had been prepared with some snack alternatives. Once home, Daddy grabbed me really hard by the hair and pulled. I asked him to be more gentle and he said fine, and let go.

I think that this is when the jealous and shitty feelings started to hook in again. He doesn't really need to work on how he behaves with me anymore now that he has a girl who can take what he wants to give. I think it makes me feel inadequate. Then, he offered to flog me since he was already going to be flogging her... and my head said... wait, don't say yes right away... watch...

I said I would think about it... then he talked to her about flogging and she suggested interspersing this one flogger that was stingier with the other floggers. He took the stingier flogger and just hit her over and over, harder and harder. My brain went into high alert mode and I knew that a yes would mean another failed flogger session for us. I just didn't want that frustration to be compared to how well it went with her.

I kinda felt like an old toy that isn't as much fun to play with anymore... like sex is really the only thing he gets from me that he is interested in... yes, he is trying more with rope, but there are so many other types of play I like too and it hurt to see my toys used on Sweetheart when they are not used on me.

I waited for their session to finish and then told them that I didn't like it. I told them that it hurt my feelings to see him play with her in ways he wasn't really willing to play with me in. He said that he was willing since he offered and I reminded him that I can't take a lot and he usually gets frustrated when I ask him to slow down or not hit as hard.

I was frustrated... and I am sure it came across that way... It was a rough way to end a great night... I am starting to notice feelings of jealousy, which I have not really encountered before...

Missing her...

She did not come over yesterday after work and we both missed the sunshine she brings with her. We are still struggling through our grief from September and she is a breath of fresh air. Daddy smiles more when she is here... so do I... so does she...

Hope in a BJ

So, yesterday morning at work, I received a text after I got there notifying me that they had sex. I was so grateful that they texted me right away, especially after we had pinky promised the night before.

Upon reading it, my tummy hurt. I thought that it was illogical, but I definitely attributed it to reading the text and requested not to be notified each time they have sex now that I know they are having sex... It made my heart hurt because I am not currently sexually active and I know my Daddy would want to fuck me... then I started thinking about how maybe he didn't want to sleep with me at all cuz he could have that night, and then I have to stop myself from catastrophizing the situation...

They love each other. They were safe. They let me know. Okay, I can breathe.

Then Daddy responded to my writings on this blog and I became very upset. It turns out that he had missed my first posting last week or so about how this new relationship was starting off, so he thought the first thing I wrote was about this mess... thank goodness for open communication!! Once that was explained, I stopped screaming at him in the parking lot... not my proudest moment... I am trying to focus on remaining calm and rational.

Then Daddy reminded me that the in laws were taking the kiddos overnight. So, I started to think about how I wanted the night to go. If we all want it to go positively, then it will! If even one of us didn't want it to work, then it wouldn't... I want it to work.

When I got home, Daddy was doing laundry (immediate way to make this woman horny), and told me to take off my pants. Intrigued, I took them off. Then, he took off the rest of my clothes and picked me up to lay me on the new weight bench he put together that day. He cupped my face in his hands and asked me to belong to him for just this night, so I obliged. Next, he left and then came back with my rope bag... I have floated off to heaven... I know it...

He is turning me into a table when Sweetheart walks in. She looks pleasantly surprised and shared that she thought we hadn't responded to a text she sent because it was going really good or really bad and was hoping for the good. They went out for a smoke and left the table in the living room.

When they came back in, we watched my favorite movie, Mr. Right. It reminds me of myself and the Sir I once had long ago. I couldn't stop laughing!! I was not a very good table...

Then Daddy let me up and we turned Sweetheart into a footstool. I was able to watch just how fast she slipped away into space... he was kicking her and she was moaning... I asked to be able to punch her and I could feel her enjoying herself and then it clicked for me... I want to be happy being me, she wants to be happy being her, and Daddy wants both of us to be happy... win-win-win... we are going to stumble, but as long as we are open and honest in our communication, then this could work for the long haul...

This is the initial dream I wanted when I first stepped in this lifestyle. Is it possible that the universe is actually giving me everything I want if I can just step through this one piece of resistance in my life? I forgive the hurt of having a hard limit broken, and I get everything my heart has desired...
Daddy, doing rope... and doing it well for me because he really doesn't like the alternative...
a beautiful Sweetheart that makes Daddy smile and has the willingness to learn all of me... of which there is a lot...
A family that could band together in strength and love and understanding and honesty.
Amazing friends in a non judgmental lifestyle as we may need that soon...

most tell me that I am overwhelming...

After that, she called me Ma'am, and I felt like I liked that level of respect after feeling disrespected... it appeased a piece of me that was struggling... not in text or anything like that, though... informal, like a pet name... I am not anywhere near wanting to Dom... but I wouldn't mind causing mischief...

Part of the punishment for breaking my limit is that Daddy cannot have sex with me for 2 weeks. Anyone that has fucked me knows that I have a succubus pussy... believe me... he is missing it... So as a thank you for the amazing play, I asked Sweetheart to give him a BJ.

He became concerned about my feelings, but I told him I needed to see it... I am working through exposure therapy (thank you psychology degree) for myself as I feel it is the most effective method to take my power back in this situation... I struggled a little at first, but not as much as the last time, and that made me happy. Made me hope.

Moving on...

Do I get over things too quickly? I ask myself this question because just the other day, I wrote about how betrayed I felt and now, with one good night and a bit of conversation, I feel more hopeful that this will work... that maybe they were just caught up in a moment... just like I was when I broke a rule with Sire and received punishment spankings.

So far, they have both apologized a bunch of times and seem to be upset with themselves...

Sweetheart helped Daddy with this very intricate rope piece that turned out beautifully. Daddy found it and riffed the top portion. I had a lot of fun...

Then Sweetheart gave him a blow job and even though I recommended it, my Bitch was screaming in my head about how horribly wrong it was for Daddy to get any sexual pleasure after breaking hard limits and then my slave came in and reminded of how her Master is the one that owns the limits in the first place. He is the one that sets the rules and he is the one that can change them. I started to cry as anarchy and war broke out in my mind...

Then, Daddy held me in his arms and told me that he missed his lil girl... and I just couldn't see how robbing myself of my Daddy and friend were beneficial to me... I threw my hand out and Sweetheart and I pinky promised to be truthful right away with each other.

My head feels rested... my heart still hurts...maybe soon I will be happy...

Written 7/13/16

Broken Again

Daddy got carried away with Sweetheart and they broke hard limits of mine. My heart hurts and I am just trying to figure out my next steps in life.

I love him so much and cannot bare to see him unhappy, but my heart has changed toward both of them. I give him everything he wants and everything of me and he still decided to forgo using protection and get caught up in a moment... with condoms right nearby. It hurt me to know that his sexual appetite wins over my hard limit.

Then, Sweetheart helps me through the next day, with a pleasant smile on her lips. Helping me stay on track and driving us around and just overall keeping positive... lying right to my face through omission, because her heart is with my Daddy... she doesn't have my back... she has his... makes sense since she is his girlfriend. It hurts, but it is understandable.

I demanded that something had to be done for these breeches in my limits. I heatedly discuss my frustrations. I went to bed on the floor, as I normally do, but the thought of them in bed together freaked me out, so I ran to the living room.

When I went to sleep on the couch, they separated and I heard him crying. I went in to comfort him and tell him I love him and he pulled away from me... he wasn't crying for hurting me... he was crying because he lost her in the breaking of a hard limit for me. He was crying for her... his heart broken over the loss of her... and I refuse to be the one to take away his happiness. Just because he is married to me... so I have decided to take the high road and let them enjoy each other so i can focus on building my own happiness. To release this as an issue, I had to get rid of my hard limit for lying... which also means that I no longer give my trust out so freely.

But I have taken back my power... as I cannot give my power to someone I don't trust... I have lost respect and trust in both of them.

I will always love him, but I must take back my own power as he has stated that he cannot Master me...

Written 7/11/16

Motivation

I am struggling a lot right now with staying on task... cleaning that is begging me to get done, food that needs to be cooked, laundry that needs to be washed... the list goes on...

I just don't see a purpose in it anymore... nobody seems to really care so why should I... I think I have lost my purpose and my way... the things I held dear are no longer important to me... nothing is...

Previously, my goal in life was to live for the happiness of my Daddy. He is so happy right now that it feels that purpose has been fulfilled.

Written 7/6/16

Getting back to writing

Holy fuck, the last little bit has been rough. I have written about it for my own records... and maybe one day I will want to post them (with permissions, of course), but for now... I am just not in the mood for broadcasting the most recent craziness in my life.

My now is starting to feel blessed. I am back to taking care of my body. My Daddy is experimenting with rope on me!! Something I have always wanted.

He seems so happy and my heart is lighter because of it. He is smiling and laughing all the time... and it has been about 6 years since I have seen him this peaceful in his heart... our son's condition took a lot out of both of us...

Sweetheart is adorable and complains about how much her cheeks hurt... she is smiling too much, lol. We had so much fun at the pool... my Daddy got in the pool!!! It has been about 5 years since he got in a pool... my life felt almost perfect this weekend...