Carousel

And here I am again... a carousel of emotion... my anger left as I finished cooking dinner and I just wanted my Daddy to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay... so I walk into the room where he is resting and use the restroom. As I walk past, he lifts a hand and calls me to him with his fingers. I obey... it feels good... I lay down next to him... we started to talk about how I feel that he doesn't even think about me and before I know it, I am falling apart. I am crying. I am out of control...

I ask him why he doesn't try for me... why he isn't fighting for me... why he is letting the Bitch win... I have lost control... I am falling... I hate this... I need help... I beg him to help me...I am so broken...

And he tells me he isn't leaving. I tell him I know. Every time he has tried to fight, he loses. I tell him I know... he is discouraged. I tell him I know... he can't function well without her bright smile and happy laugh. I know... he just wants me happy. I know...

He says I am thinking too much and I believe he is right. I am thinking about the pain of the past instead of staying present. He will help me move forward in our current reality if I let him. Do I let him?

I need him to take back ownership because I need it, not because he needs it or demands it. I am thinking too much and I need to stop. I am allowing my mind to run rampant and drive me insane unnecessarily. I am giving it back. He can have my slavery back. I can't feel like this anymore... it's too much for me right now. I am dealing with enough... I don't need to create a situation where one isn't necessary. I just want to go back to being happy.