Thursday, May 18, 2017

How long...

She's not going to stop... She is cuddling and smiling and poking and prodding... She's tickling and giggling...

It is infuriating and mind blowing... I have treated her like the shit on the bottom of my shoe and when it is all said and done, she is still trying to show me that she is not going anywhere... Except to the store for groceries... Lol...

I am not sure what her  angle is or what game she is playing, all I know is that I don't want her to win... A piece of me believes this is some kind of long con...

And then she pointed out that if she wins, then I win too... Her winning means that I let her into my heart and all three of us are happy together... If she is willing to stay with us through my crazy explosions, then why am I afraid that she will leave once I let my guard down... Maybe because I have seen it happen before... I have seen her leave someone she promised she wouldn't...

I see her trying... I see her growing... I see her fighting... Maybe I should stop being the fierce and overprotective dragon and settle back into the sweet and feisty fox that I know I am... Maybe I should stop comparing her actions of the past to who she is now... Maybe I should stop assuming that she has  an escape plan if she still hasn't used it yet... After all... I have not made it easy... How long do I make her pay for her mistakes...

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Duality

Chilling out and watching Once Upon A Time today with my sickness... My head is throbbing and my whole body aches...

Today, I feel like I am finally getting back to myself... On Monday, I came home to a dirty house and I became very upset... I started cleaning and then the Princess came out to help and I just lost my shit...

I screamed at her... I told her to leave... I became so agitated and out of control...

It scared me... I am such a peaceful and happy person a great majority of the time, but there are certain things I am finding that trigger me into a blind rage... And I am super mean when I am there...

And yet... She is still here... Still here and still playfully herself... Trying to help me engage in a positive way again... I hate and love this at the same time... The duality of my nature around her hurts my heart...

Subspace Manipulation

I can't believe I didn't write about this yet... My world is crashing around me again... Or so it feels, to me... But I am known for having a flair of the overdramatic... Master tied me to a chair and then made me feel like a part of it and I finally fell deeply into subspace. I asked him to manipulate my mind while  in subspace so that I could accept the Princess that is still here... He tried, but I don't think it worked... I don't know if anything will... I don't think hypnosis works unless your true self is lined up with the hypnosis...

Her presence is a trigger for my mental insanity. There is no getting around it... Not unless she is absolutely perfect in all that she does, which is impossible, cuz she is 5... (real age is 23, but you know what I mean)...

I was reading through older posts and found that we used to use my subspace to help me grow more in my slavery. I thought it would work again and it may... But it would have to be a regular thing... Not a one time thing...

I once told Master that the Princess wouldn't work for me because I don't generally like princesses and because this particular one hasn't had any experience in life that makes her relatable to me... Apparently, He told her about that and she believes that I am the trial that will give her the relatable life experience since this is the hardest thing she has ever faced in her life...

Me...

I am the hardest thing she has faced in her life... Well, if she's using me as the difficult time so she can relate better to me, I may need to step it up a notch or two... Cuz I've been through some horrible shit...

I don't think she is aware of how deeply she insulted me with those words... Cuz, after all, she's only 5... At the same time, I also know that she is speaking truth. Sometimes, my bitch is a bit much... After watching Once  Upon A Time, I would say that I rival the Evil Queen Regina in some moments... Words and looks that cut like knives... She is the only one who gets me to that place now and I can't figure out why or how to stop it... I'm beyond frustrated...

Suspended

Life suspended
Time and reality ceased to exist and peace floods in
If only for a second...

Reality is inescapable
Perfection is unobtainable now
When before, it was always within the grasp of my fingertips

First... To go first...
Coercion not included
Hanging in that sweet space of nonexistence

Closed eyes trick me
Open eyes and there is no spin
My hands turn me in the center like a piece of art

Existence is highly overrated
Peace is underrated
And love... Love is what it is. A death march to insanity

I can't won

I haven't written in a minute, because the insanity that I wrote of last time has been breaking me down... A dear friend reminded me that I hadn't written in a while, so here I am... The "I like her" tried to win... But it didn't and couldn't... "I can't" won the battle this time... I just can't...

I will not adjust what I look for in a mate just because it could make life easier... And I am not willing to shape her into what I want because she should be who she is - not who I want her to be because that would just be another lie...

I find this thought amusing because I loved to become what other people wanted... I loved being a chameleon before and thrived when I could adjust who I was for someone else's wants and desires... It used to be my kink... But after the death of my son and then a devastating lie, my chameleon tendency caused my mind to lose control completely and I lost myself...

Now, when I think, I question everything about who I am, what I stand for, what I want, what I need, where my place is, where my head is at, what my heart feels, when I will feel solid again, when my head will stop spinning, why this all happened, why to me, why me.... It makes it very hard to write with the cacophony of voices in my head...

So, now, a lot of the time, I don't think... I don't feel... I don't daydream... I don't hope... I just earned a big fun weekend trip and while all my friends are excited to go and are planning all the awesomeness, I am still struggling with all this other shit... Thankfully, while I'm there, I will turn off the thinking and just be and it will be perfect... A lot of the time now, I turn off my head and just go with the flow...

Right now though... Sitting here and contemplating what to write has my heart racing and my head spinning... I can't look to things that once gave me comfort because they are the things that cause such disarray for me now...

I was told the other day that I am a good person... But I don't feel like it at all... I feel like I'm not a person... I feel like a robot... I feel alien... I feel like I don't belong and I don't matter... I feel like the struggle would cease to exist if I ceased to exist... The struggle that my Daddy faces in his heart... Cuz I know seeing me this way breaks His heart and He feels like He let me down... He thinks He has failed me as a husband... I don't see it that way, but maybe He is right... He is my Owner after all... He probably knows better than me...

He keeps asking me why I'm still with Him... All I can say is that I love Him and would never leave Him... I remind Him that He owns me and always will... He has not ordered me to leave... So why would I... I know He thinks I will leave Him because He would leave me in this situation... Am I stupid for staying? Should I follow his lead and bounce?

Why can't I just changed my heart and my mind in regard to her so that he can just live happily ever after and all of this commotion can stop? I have tried... But I can't... I just can't...