Thursday, May 18, 2017

How long...

She's not going to stop... She is cuddling and smiling and poking and prodding... She's tickling and giggling...

It is infuriating and mind blowing... I have treated her like the shit on the bottom of my shoe and when it is all said and done, she is still trying to show me that she is not going anywhere... Except to the store for groceries... Lol...

I am not sure what her  angle is or what game she is playing, all I know is that I don't want her to win... A piece of me believes this is some kind of long con...

And then she pointed out that if she wins, then I win too... Her winning means that I let her into my heart and all three of us are happy together... If she is willing to stay with us through my crazy explosions, then why am I afraid that she will leave once I let my guard down... Maybe because I have seen it happen before... I have seen her leave someone she promised she wouldn't...

I see her trying... I see her growing... I see her fighting... Maybe I should stop being the fierce and overprotective dragon and settle back into the sweet and feisty fox that I know I am... Maybe I should stop comparing her actions of the past to who she is now... Maybe I should stop assuming that she has  an escape plan if she still hasn't used it yet... After all... I have not made it easy... How long do I make her pay for her mistakes...

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Duality

Chilling out and watching Once Upon A Time today with my sickness... My head is throbbing and my whole body aches...

Today, I feel like I am finally getting back to myself... On Monday, I came home to a dirty house and I became very upset... I started cleaning and then the Princess came out to help and I just lost my shit...

I screamed at her... I told her to leave... I became so agitated and out of control...

It scared me... I am such a peaceful and happy person a great majority of the time, but there are certain things I am finding that trigger me into a blind rage... And I am super mean when I am there...

And yet... She is still here... Still here and still playfully herself... Trying to help me engage in a positive way again... I hate and love this at the same time... The duality of my nature around her hurts my heart...

Subspace Manipulation

I can't believe I didn't write about this yet... My world is crashing around me again... Or so it feels, to me... But I am known for having a flair of the overdramatic... Master tied me to a chair and then made me feel like a part of it and I finally fell deeply into subspace. I asked him to manipulate my mind while  in subspace so that I could accept the Princess that is still here... He tried, but I don't think it worked... I don't know if anything will... I don't think hypnosis works unless your true self is lined up with the hypnosis...

Her presence is a trigger for my mental insanity. There is no getting around it... Not unless she is absolutely perfect in all that she does, which is impossible, cuz she is 5... (real age is 23, but you know what I mean)...

I was reading through older posts and found that we used to use my subspace to help me grow more in my slavery. I thought it would work again and it may... But it would have to be a regular thing... Not a one time thing...

I once told Master that the Princess wouldn't work for me because I don't generally like princesses and because this particular one hasn't had any experience in life that makes her relatable to me... Apparently, He told her about that and she believes that I am the trial that will give her the relatable life experience since this is the hardest thing she has ever faced in her life...

Me...

I am the hardest thing she has faced in her life... Well, if she's using me as the difficult time so she can relate better to me, I may need to step it up a notch or two... Cuz I've been through some horrible shit...

I don't think she is aware of how deeply she insulted me with those words... Cuz, after all, she's only 5... At the same time, I also know that she is speaking truth. Sometimes, my bitch is a bit much... After watching Once  Upon A Time, I would say that I rival the Evil Queen Regina in some moments... Words and looks that cut like knives... She is the only one who gets me to that place now and I can't figure out why or how to stop it... I'm beyond frustrated...

Suspended

Life suspended
Time and reality ceased to exist and peace floods in
If only for a second...

Reality is inescapable
Perfection is unobtainable now
When before, it was always within the grasp of my fingertips

First... To go first...
Coercion not included
Hanging in that sweet space of nonexistence

Closed eyes trick me
Open eyes and there is no spin
My hands turn me in the center like a piece of art

Existence is highly overrated
Peace is underrated
And love... Love is what it is. A death march to insanity

I can't won

I haven't written in a minute, because the insanity that I wrote of last time has been breaking me down... A dear friend reminded me that I hadn't written in a while, so here I am... The "I like her" tried to win... But it didn't and couldn't... "I can't" won the battle this time... I just can't...

I will not adjust what I look for in a mate just because it could make life easier... And I am not willing to shape her into what I want because she should be who she is - not who I want her to be because that would just be another lie...

I find this thought amusing because I loved to become what other people wanted... I loved being a chameleon before and thrived when I could adjust who I was for someone else's wants and desires... It used to be my kink... But after the death of my son and then a devastating lie, my chameleon tendency caused my mind to lose control completely and I lost myself...

Now, when I think, I question everything about who I am, what I stand for, what I want, what I need, where my place is, where my head is at, what my heart feels, when I will feel solid again, when my head will stop spinning, why this all happened, why to me, why me.... It makes it very hard to write with the cacophony of voices in my head...

So, now, a lot of the time, I don't think... I don't feel... I don't daydream... I don't hope... I just earned a big fun weekend trip and while all my friends are excited to go and are planning all the awesomeness, I am still struggling with all this other shit... Thankfully, while I'm there, I will turn off the thinking and just be and it will be perfect... A lot of the time now, I turn off my head and just go with the flow...

Right now though... Sitting here and contemplating what to write has my heart racing and my head spinning... I can't look to things that once gave me comfort because they are the things that cause such disarray for me now...

I was told the other day that I am a good person... But I don't feel like it at all... I feel like I'm not a person... I feel like a robot... I feel alien... I feel like I don't belong and I don't matter... I feel like the struggle would cease to exist if I ceased to exist... The struggle that my Daddy faces in his heart... Cuz I know seeing me this way breaks His heart and He feels like He let me down... He thinks He has failed me as a husband... I don't see it that way, but maybe He is right... He is my Owner after all... He probably knows better than me...

He keeps asking me why I'm still with Him... All I can say is that I love Him and would never leave Him... I remind Him that He owns me and always will... He has not ordered me to leave... So why would I... I know He thinks I will leave Him because He would leave me in this situation... Am I stupid for staying? Should I follow his lead and bounce?

Why can't I just changed my heart and my mind in regard to her so that he can just live happily ever after and all of this commotion can stop? I have tried... But I can't... I just can't...

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Insanity

The princess is driving me insane... Looking at her now hurts my brain... You see, she started cleaning my house... And that is messing with me... The biggest way that I receive love is through acts of service and the effort she is putting into my home is welcome, but also exasperating.

Pair the clean house with her positive attitude and my heart says that I like her, in that kid with a crush type way that causes butterflies and nervousness... But then my head comes crashing in with the logic that I can't like her because of the mistakes of the past... She already had her 3 tries and that's enough.

She's been catching me glaring at her, so I told her of the insanity she is causing within me and she just laughed about it... She doesn't know what else to do with that information... I don't know how to stop the insanity... I like her, but I can't...I like her, but I can't... One of these days, one of those things will win and the insanity will stop, but for now, in trying to learn how to accept this new reality... It's hard to hate someone who cleans your house...

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Jaded

My heart is too trusting and it is getting me hurt more and more... Why do people have to be so shitty sometimes? Why do I allow myself to be taken advantage of by friends? What is wrong with me?

In this world, I have escaped being jaded for so long, but now... Now I think it is finally happening. I feel like I have finally hit the wall when it comes to humankind. A dear friend of mine let me down yesterday... I don't think it was her intention to use me, but I am not sure I will ever know... I am not sure why I continue to lower my standards for the people that I love, especially when I love so many people... Maybe it's because of the complaint I continue to hear about my expectations being too high?

After a day that should have been better, I turned to Sire for a suspension... Hoping to decompress from my convention this weekend and shake off the vulnerability I felt when I finally understood that my friend had taken advantage of me... It was a lovely suspension, but once again I couldn't fall out...

When I got home, I snuggled up to Daddy and asked if He'd showered because the door was locked, so I knew that He had fucked His princess... He mumbled no in His sleep... Which meant no aftercare or comfort for me... He was too tired after the long ride home and I didn't blame Him... I would have passed out too...

This really caused me to drop hard today... I am trying to hold it together, but tears are escaping my eyes... I am going to have to kill off the me that I am to become the next version and everything that needs to change in me was exposed yesterday... Heartbroken and weary, I will move forward and kill the girl I was to become the woman I am meant to be...

But how? How do I kill this trusting heart? How do I kill this sweet and innocent fox? This lil fox that is taken advantage of and used... I look in her eyes and pray for her joy and yet, I understand that she must be destroyed... Or I will continue to be...

Friday, March 31, 2017

What to do...

I think I am finally starting to understand how unique I am in comparison to others... The other night, when the condom slipped off, they decided against telling me because it might interrupt my fun night out... Even though I have repeatedly said to just let me know right away when that sort of thing happens so that I am thoroughly informed...

What they don't understand is that by making that decision, they both told me that they don't care about my request for immediate communication and that they believe that they know what I need more than I do. I am feeling like neither one really cares much about what I need. I also know that they feel like they both care... They just can't seem to show me in a way that I receive, apparently...

When I was fully His slave, nothing mattered to me more than His​ happiness and His pleasure. I didn't have feelings outside of the ones He told me that I could have. I was happy all the time because he said I had to be. If my attitude or tone were off, I got a lecture and spankings until all of this poly stuff... Since then, I have followed my own heart and it has gotten me nothing but hurt...

And somehow, along my journey, I decided that I know better for myself than my Master does... But do I?

I am finally getting to the point where I am going to create a new contract for myself, with myself. I still can't exist as 2 people... I can't be the babygirl who gets her way and the slave that meets His needs... Not when they both want opposing things!! I need to decide who I am truly going to put first... Him or me... And if I choose Him, I need to understand that it is okay if He doesn't pick me first and that His needs and wants come before me... I need to understand that I give all I am because that is who I am... Not because I expect anything in return... I need to get out of the tit for tat mentality as that is not who I want to be...

And if I pick me, then I truly need to step into the leadership that comes with it. I need to be willing to actually put myself first and get what I want without feeling bad for it. A friend asked me why I am trying so hard to be submissive when that is not what she's seeing as my biggest strengths.... I couldn't answer the question, so maybe that is where I need to start...

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Aftercare :)

Last night, I got in at midnight, and everyone was still sleeping, so I climbed into bed.

The next morning, my Master took me outside for a smoke and tied my hands together, reclaiming me with His rope. i felt like this lil ritual would help us keep our rope connection because i will not ever lose that to work with another... If working with another would cause that rope connection to dissolve, than i would have to choose not to do it, regardless of benefit... It was nice and also set my subby headspace for the day.

Then, when it was time to get the boys going, He untied my hands and we took a shower together. In the shower, He scrubbed me down and then owned me as i touched my toes... After we got out of the shower, i sucked His cock until He turned me around and shoved it in my ass... Holding onto a wall and getting rammed in the ass was a perfect morning routine, lol!!

Then, He moved me to the bed and we just continued to go. i love it when my Master shows me whose boss!!

Planting a new tree

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! i got suspended last night! It gave me a freedom that helped me become more clear today than i have been in a while. I have been caught in the frustration of the past and the suspension allowed me to release that... The only thing that was missing was my Master. Seeing His face as i fall out is reassuring and rewarding... Puts me at peace as only He can, now...

The night started off with catching up and relaxing. I watched as Sire suspended his new girl, all thin and pale and feisty... It was amazing to watch as he turned her into the perfect kinky mobile, lol! Her energy felt calm and peaceful in the rope, with a mischievous twinkle... I can work with that... It is an energy that matches my own a lil bit. *Wink wink, nudge nudge**

Which worked well, because the next tie was a double suspension. What was really nice for me is that I was standing back to back with a 23 year old and when I glanced in the mirror, I was so fucking proud of myself. I don't work as hard as I used to on maintaining my figure, but now that suspensions are back on the table, I may focus in more. Anyways, my lil butt rubbing against her cold lil butt was amusing. Having us connected in a way that allowed us to impact each other's motions... It was fun and playful. Wonderful art for an amazing show.

Then, Sire asked if I would like a single suspension and I said that it is up to him. I came to enjoy whatever skill he wanted to share again. He suspended his girl in another position and said he would suspend me like that afterwards. I truly appreciated that he did the tie on his girl first. It allowed me to see how it could move and how I could play in it before it went on.


Once I was suspended the same way, I played to settle into it. I rubbed myself into the ropes for the markings and for the pressure... The pressure that takes me away... I spun and swung and then I let myself fall a little... I couldn't let all the way go... Too many people and my Master wasn't there... I felt safe and peaceful, but I still just couldn't relax all the way... But the lil fall was enough to give me the taste of it again... What I know is on the other side of repaired bridges...

The past should be left in the past where it belongs... Does that mean it doesn't hurt... No - it hurts like a bitch to be reminded of those things that broke your heart and crushed your soul... But it does mean that a common ground can be found by the new people that have grown through those last experiences and a different tree can be planted there... Not one of passion, love, and romance, but one of blessings, love, and friendship...

Sadist?

The party was so fun, I'm glad we went... I am so happy that we could reconnect with some amazing friend we hadn't seen in a while. I had a fun time flogging the princess. It helps get a lot of frustration out... Which works really well for me. 

I feel like the princess may work as a stress relief tool for me, but we shall see... I know she wants a connection... Any connection... Anything more than being a fly on the wall... And I'm over here reaching for the best thought that I can feel from this moment...

So now, with her agreement, when she touches me, she gets a paddle. I have paddled her twice so far and it has been a release each time... I feel like I'm teaching her a lesson... One of mindfulness... One of awareness and knowing how your behaviors impact others. I hope she learns quickly... But at the same time, I also hope she takes a minute or makes some mistakes along the way... 

I really want to beat her, lol... I may be a sadist, lol... And when she complains of the pain, I get to tell her to watch what she's doing then, lol... I may be a bitch, lol... Feels good either way

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Pick it up, buttercup

Feeling better already... Talked it out with Daddy and I am so happy... I am pretty sure I am crazy and have lost my damn mind, lol... I don't think it really matters as long as I can find the best thought that I can think from where I am at now...

I am going to check out of reality again and live in my happy lil vortex of fun!! Excited to play with the lil princess if time and activities allow! 

I love going out to play and am going to be a fun foxy fox tonight!!

Hard Day

Today has been hard... A hard hard day...

Ran for Epilepsy today... Didn't cry, cuz thankfully, I was able to run next to a mom with a son in a stroller who reminded me of my son and kept a smile on my face... But oh God, did I miss my boy... The jingle of my ears as I ran helped too... The purple ears were always his favorite...

Did some businessing... Then came home... Got into another thing with princess...

This lil princess broke my rules, crossed my lines again with her stupid lies over stupid shit and now I'm the one that is reacting wrong... I am not giving her the chances to improve the way she wants them. My best to get through this isn't good enough... And I just can't stop crying... Internally, externally... My heart hurts... My tummy hurts... My head hurts...

And now... Well now I just feel like a failure... I am failing her as a person to look up to... I am failing my Master because He feels like I am being too mean and too rude... I am failing myself because I feel like I should be able to rise above this... I need to be kinder and happier...

She says she understands... how do I believe that?

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Party this weekend!!!

I'm going to a party this weekend!!!! I am so excited to get out in the scene again!

I am so ready to get back to my self. The one that isn't steeped in disappointment. The one that rolls with the flow and understands that everything works out for her.

The one that is sexy as fuck and enticing to others. I am ready to play and have fun! I am ready to see friends whom I miss! I have been home a lot with the focus on the kiddos and my business, so I think I can use an exhibitionistic weekend!!

Friday, March 17, 2017

Pink Unicorn!!

So, I just can't with her right now... She lied again... And this time about something so stupid it just showed that I scare her and she is not ready for me... I am overwhelmingly clear on who I am and what I will and will not put up with.

I want an honest, fun loving, driven, articulate, intelligent woman with a bright smile and a sense of humor... And I want her to take charge of me and enjoy me for who I am... Direct me and lead me as only she can... help me stay true to my goals and my commitments... And I want to be in love with her... I want to be out of control in love with her...

After lots of issues in past experiences, we have determined that additional men don't work... Chalk it up to male ego or jealousy, but it just doesn't want to work for a long term relationship... For a lil play, here and there, maybe...

The princess meets some, but not all of those requirements... And the good news is that I know I deserve to be picky, so I am. I want a damn pink unicorn because I am one and I attract who I am!!

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Grumble grumble... Lol

One thing I will never understand is the need for someone to take my issues as a personal attack on them... If I say I don't like something, it means that I don't like it. I shouldn't have to argue why I don't like it... I should just be allowed not to like it...

For example... I hate the Renaissance Festival... There are too many people and I'm an empathic introvert, so it is overwhelming. I get disoriented easily and it invariably turns into a game of Where's Waldo, but instead of looking for a man in a bright white and red striped shirt, I am looking for people that are dressed like everyone else... I felt like I would turn and then Daddy would disappear and even though I knew he was close, I just didn't like it... And did I mention how fucking useless the map is?!

Apparently, me having those feelings was a valid enough reason to get pissed at me because I'm not allowed to not like something for that reason. Apparently, me sharing these feelings meant I was lecturing Him about disappearing. All I said is that I didn't like feeling like I was losing everyone at the Faire and that's why I don't like it...

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Boots, among other things...

It's already happening!!!!!? Manifesting and creating and realizing and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

You see, I have kinda decided that the poly that works for me is the one where everyone is equally committed and in love with each other. Hooray for learning what I want by stumbling through a bunch of experiences that taught me what doesn't work for us (go back and read earlier posts to learn more). I have started to put that into what I want to create for my life and shared my feelings with Daddy and Sweetheart (aka Princess, the princess, etc...)

I have continued to ask for a happy home where everyone loves and takes care of each other equally, even though we have our own roles to play within this fantasy BDSM life that we are creating together... I have asked to have amazing relationships with my Daddy and our partner that fit all of our needs. I need our partner to be confident, stubborn, strong willed, bold, daring, fun, happy, playful, silly, driven and who will initiate with me (cuz I really enjoy the feeling of someone demanding or craving my attention... I love it when someone forces my attention, even when I give You dirty looks for grabbing my chin, Daddy 😘). I need her to get in my way just enough that I get to playfully push her out of it, but I also need her to be able to wrap her arms around a tornado or at least have the sense to run and grab Daddy when the warning sirens are kicking in, lol.

So, last night, after heating up the amazing salmon with pepper salsa that I made her for dinner, she came and stood really close to me while eating it... I commented on her being in my bubble and instead of apologizing and running away, she said something along the lines of liking being in my bubble and stuck out her tongue and kept standing there... That was a pleasant surprise and I found myself intrigued instead of annoyed by her antics this time...

Then, this morning, she asked if I would like to put on her boots?! I didn't quite know what to do. I felt nervous and shy and quickly moved to help... I didn't know how to act, where to look, how to grab the shoe even... I felt awkward at first cuz this isn't something she has ever asked for... it was something I did once or twice out of my own love of service that quickly brought a surprised smile to her face, but she has never requested it... This time, I don't know if she had a smile cuz I was too focused on internally processing all my feels to look at her face... What would I see if I looked there? Joy, worry, triumph, frustration... so nervous...

She stepped on me a little bit to get her heel all the way in and I sneaked a quick look at her face then, but all it showed me was the focus she had while trying to get her heel to the bottom of the boot without hurting me in the process... The whole experience was oddly centering.

Is it strange that it makes me cry writing about it right now... Tears of relief... It feels like she's listening... Actually hearing the me that is scared and hiding... the one that runs away from things that hurt and throws up all kinds of random road blocks (like a tone or a look) to see if people will knock them all down and emerge victorious anyways! I have been through too much to let anyone easily have me, I guess... My Daddy has always said that people should have to fight to earn me and be willing to go through anything for me and I deserve no less than that.

How much more strength can I ask for in a partner? When our relationship broke down, it was because of a lie... Anyone who knows me knows that I do not do well with lying... It is actually my deal breaker... Lie to me and it is over... Forgiveness is actually something that doesn't happen with me when it comes to lying... Or so I thought...

Instead of listening to me when I told her to go away, she stayed... She has continued to hover right outside the wall that I had built, pulling out a brick here and there with love and kindness, even though I was frustrating her by how many times I would fill all the holes back in with one minor mistake on her part (I can be a really big pain in the ass when I am upset with you - smart and insane, with a touch of ironic and maniacal laughter in the background)... Even though, a lot of times, I was a complete asshole to her (and I still think deservedly so at those times 😜), she never left...

And now, when I am finally free to ask for anything in the world, I want to ask for her... I want her to be the one that works for us and I want to be someone who works for her... And it's more than wanting her to work because Daddy would be heartbroken without her in His life...

I want it to work because I deserve someone who is willing to work just as hard as I am when shit gets tough... Cuz let's face it, my past tells me that shit often gets tough in my life... I can't fit anyone into my life that isn't willing to literally fight through thick and thin to make it work or that can't just plant themselves nearby while I ride the waves so that I have a steady haven to return to... I want it to work because I feel like she is all of those things when she allows herself to be the princess she is, lol...

Thank you for remaining strong, princess. I love you!!

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Cinderella Complex? Lol

So, I have wanted to be my Daddy's house slave for as long as I can remember... As a little girl, I often fantasized that I was Cinderella... Cooking and cleaning and taking care of every thing for every one until one day, the charming Prince swoops in to rescue me from all of it...

In the Cinderella story though, how does she behave once she is in the castle? Does she then constantly try to take care of her husband and King because of years of ingrained training?! How long does it take for her to stop all those habits? Does she really want to or does she ever even try to push the habits away?

I find so much joy in the doing and the helping that I would have to imagine it filled her heart with happiness too!! I am in my castle with my King and His Princess and my adorable little princes...

I finally have the opportunity to create the life I have always wanted!! I can finally create everything I have ever needed!! I am going to try to write as I create, cuz this story is just going to be awesome to add to my memoirs... Lol, can you imagine?! The Real Life of Foxy Canidae: A fox in a cage... That will happen too... Don't believe me, just watch... ;)

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Looking forward

As I look forward, I focus on the things I want to have in my future... The things I have placed into my vortex... I am really focusing on attracting the right things into my life... The right experiences... The right people... The right places... The right opportunities...

I'll write about them as they happen... Cuz they will... Cuz that's how the law works...

Monday, February 20, 2017

House slave

A lot has changed for me in the 6 months I took off from writing... Sweetheart is very much a fixture in my life now. We have learned to get along and primarily focus on what we can do to make Daddy happy. I have also learned how to be happy in this arrangement, which is great!!

I quit my job and am following a passion of mine too, so I have been working at home and trying to learn what it is like to be a stay at home wife and slave. It is a whole new thing!!! I am learning more about cleaning and have been cooking up a storm. I am noticing that I struggle with time management and motivation to get things done around the house... But only because I get stuck on what to get started with and I don't really have a lot of direction outside of self direction...

Daddy is working a lot now too, so I get more time with the kiddos, which makes me so happy! I get to send naughty pics to Daddy and Sweetheart while they work, which is a lot of fun!

Next step is to figure out where to start, what to do, and how to get on top of the housework more... I have always wanted to be a stay at home slave that serves a Master and Mistress... This is definitely a step in the right direction.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Ready to Rock and Roll

I have found my happiness again and am ready to start writing again and sharing again from an authentic space...

Sometimes, something hits you from an unexpected source and it completely decimates everything you thought you knew about life...

It is then up to you on if you want to stay devastated or if you want to rise up and grow through the experience...

I have always been the kind of fox that is like a Phoenix... Bright, red, cheery, powerful, and loving... My tears can heal wounds and my heart will love you regardless of where you are at... But just because I love you, doesn't mean I need you or want you in my level of existence... Just because I love you doesn't mean you belong in my world...

I am really happy and content with the things and people currently in my world, but for my long time readers, you know how much I love making new friends. I am ready again to accept exactly who I am and let all my flags fly...

Thank you to those who kept in touch and made sure I was okay! I love you all!!