Escape

Sitting broken,
Waiting for the words
That may bring me back
From the brink of the void...

Lost and alone,
Dying of heart break
And agonizing over small
Things that don't matter...

Sad and frustrated
By a connection divided
And a heart that is closing
Its doors for the first time...

Melting into this,
This illusion of my own making
And this perception of reality.
How do I escape?

~Foxy Canidae~

Alone...

The house is quiet and the kids are sleeping. Daddy is gone and I feel so alone... And sad... I miss his noises right now and not hearing them is making me cry... After Daddy would leave for work, my boy would start giggling and squealing with joy in his room. I would go open the door and he would turn and smile at me... My little lost love...

I am crying so hard right now, it hurts... Everything hurts so much when I feel alone... When I have to work through my sadness... I was stalking fet, which I do often, because I like to stay updated on my friends. Well, my exes updated their dating stats recently, so I got hurt. And then I stopped and asked myself, why did that hurt? And I thought about it and I was hurt because I couldn't believe that my friends would want to date a woman who would tell them that they could not help a friend through the loss of her son with rope because of an insecurity... I thought they were smarter than that...

So I went to read her profile... And then a very specific writing that she did... And I have to believe that she never thought of me as a friend who needed help... They probably didn't think to bring that up to her... Cuz why would they... Our relationship was over before they connected and they had started to build something new and I was seen as the ex girlfriend, like back in high school, lol... And so I am dropping the hurt and letting it go... She seems like an amazing person based on the writing I loved...

I know that some of you reading this might be uncomfortable at this point, but I really don't give a shit... This is my life and my story and I get to write it... It is up to you to read it... Or not... Lol ;)

Good morning, Daddy... i mean Master!

One of the new things I have really been focusing on to improve our dynamic is waking Papa Bear up properly...

I usually start out sleepy when his alarm goes off or when mine does (on days he works, we wake up earlier) and shift over to him to start nibbling on his nipple closest to me. I love to nibble and it is a sure fire way to get him hard if he doesn't wake up that way (which is pretty rare)...

After he says good morning, I say "Good morning, Daddy" and rotate so I am kneeling against him, with my butt near that nipple I was nibbling and my mouth poised above his cock where I ask his permission to suck it. This reminds me that I am his little baby doll and that I need to ask for things sometimes... When Papa Bear is my Daddy, he cuddles and cares for me so sweetly and will give me anything I ask for within reason...

Then, I start sucking his cock lightly, the way I prefer to suck it. That always wakes him up further, which causes him to ask who I belong to and shove my head down, all the way down, on his cock. I answer with a muffled "I belong to you, Master" so that I can be let up before I vomit and then I receive a couple of light spankings. This repeats a couple of times. Then he calls me a good girl and I ride him until he cums all the way awake! When Papa Bear is my Master, he is specific and rough and demands nothing but the best from me. He lets me know that when he wants something, he will just take it or demand it so I don't need to worry about missing a requirement of his...

Such a wonderful experience with Papa Bear in the morning, because it helps me see 2 very specific sides of him. The Daddy who wants nothing more than to take care of everyone around him and the Master who wants to be selfish and create the life he wants to experience. So intoxicating for me... Cuz I need to be cared for, but I need to also be pushed... We really were meant to be together, lol ;)

D/s dynamic - the start

Last night, I was so nervous... You know, that first date kind of jittery nervous that comes with wanting to make the right impression on an individual... Granted, I am not dating... Or even looking for a romantic relationship outside of the one I have with my Daddy. I am taking a year long break from romantic relationships and just learning to be me again... I need to be secure in myself and what I am looking for before I hop out there again and I think a year is a good goal...

So then, one might ask, who is this individual you want to impress? Well, since I asked, lol... I found a woman who I believe has the ability to actually dominate me. I am highly intimidated by her when she doesn't even try to intimidate me. There is an innate power that I can feel, even when I just think of her presence...

You see, I need help and I recognized that this last week. I am constantly falling apart and my ability to serve has been compromised. I know who I want to be and the life I want to have, but I need a practiced hand who doesn't love me to help me out. So I felt her out at Rope Night when I was in my element and her energy just vibed with mine as she tied me up...

So I asked her if she would be interested in dominating me... That's right! I asked!! Via Fet IM, but that is still a huge step for me... So weird and out of my norm, but I am going to need to push myself to achieve what I want sometimes...

We texted a bit about expectations before meeting up to discuss the potential D/s dynamic that could exist. We reviewed limits, play experiences, and basically what I am looking for to see if it is something she can provide. She notified me that she has had experience in this area in the past and would enjoy meeting with me to discuss and see if she will take me on.

My first task was to dress like the lady I love to be! This worked really well for me because I was already wearing my prettiest dress yesterday with my favorite cardigan and yellow shoes. I became nervous and antsy as the orientation wrapped up because then it was time to find her at the event.

I found her surrounded by friends and being the life of the party. I watched her interact with a submissive that was in her care and with another friend that she had tied before... I was enthralled by this young woman who already knows who she is and what she wants and it was intimidating.

Here I am, 9 years older than her, searching for her guidance and help. I am ready to jump all in, like I do, into this new dynamic. As we sat across the table from each other, she emphasized the importance of open and clear communication, respect for my current dynamic, respect for her and how she will help, and again outlined that she and I will not be romantic or even considered a secondary relationship. She is a third party entity/mentor that is here to provide me with the guidance I need to get my shit in order.

She then asked if I had any questions... I was completely tongue tied! Me!! The girl that never shuts up, could only muster a no, not that I can think of. I didn't ask about her experience. I didn't ask what types of things would be expected or what time she may need. I didn't ask for references or what she might do to me... I just trust that she is who I am looking for right now. She said that everything she does will be in my best interest to honor me as the woman and submissive that I am... And I know that she was speaking her truth... I could just feel it... Hopefully, I am right...

I can already tell that this will be good and interesting... And the best part is that the universe brought her back to me when I needed her. You see, I met her before, when I was me... So she has an idea of who that person is and who I am trying to get back to.

Princess! Who me?!

So no alcohol the day before yesterday and yesterday, but my bouts of depression are proving to be difficult for Daddy to handle while also Mastering me... How hard it is to get all of this back under control... I was such a well-behaved slave before... Not perfect, but trying my hardest was good enough...

Now, with the overwhelming depression, I just don't have the want to be better. As my mind processes through everything, my focus on day to day routines has fallen by the wayside... And I know he cares...

The Master inside my Daddy is fuming at the fact that I don't listen and that my trying is readily replaced by giving up the second I come across any sort of resistance... But the Daddy inside my Master is taking over and coddling me, allowing me to throw tantrums, enabling me to lay around and not get things done, neglecting what I need in order to placate me with what I want...

Since when did I become a princess?! That is how he treats me now... Like a spoiled little princess... It has its perks... Cuz I can do what I want and he gives me everything I ask for...

The downside... I think that I have lost respect for him as a dominant... He made bad decisions that created this negative situation for me... He apologized for them, but in reality, I had to go through and clean up all of the mess that erupted because of it... Now that the external messes are all cleaned up and packaged with pretty little bows, I have to go through and clean up the internal messes... But when I focus there, it reminds me of the bad decision and all of the pain that was caused by it... And then I choose to be mad at him for it... I choose to find him guilty of allowing me to connect with people who hurt me... I find him at fault and then I choose to make him pay for it repeatedly... These things were my fault, of course, because I gave my will to him and ownership to him, so I chose to follow his lead... After the mistakes, I tried to create my own life outside of his rules while taking responsibility for myself and that caused an even bigger shit storm...

We talk often about how I should only give my love to those who deserve it and to those who won't hurt me... But the one I trusted above all things made a decision that hurt me because he wanted to show off... And it still fucking hurts! I need to forgive... He was innocent in his mistake and I need to accept that because he was doing the best he could with what he knew at the time... It is so hard to accept that... But I need to... Otherwise, moving forward won't happen... And I will be choosing to stay in the past with regrets...

I don't like regrets and I don't do them... Every past experience has a lesson I needed to learn... I learned that regardless of how much you love people, if you don't have the time they want, they will replace you... I learned that communication is extremely important to me... I learned that I can do all of this by myself if I have to...

I talked with my Daddy about all of these thoughts yesterday and this discussion allowed me to release the pain for now. He is aware that he hurt me and he is aware that sometimes, I am going to need to vent out the frustration... And he will not run away from me if I need to vent in the future... He accepts his responsibility in what happen and that allowed me to accept mine... I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel... At the moment, lol ;)

Also, he has agreed to stop treating me like a princess... I am a slave, so he played with me thoroughly last night and made me beg for his cock, before he let me suck it... Oh my goodness, that little task did wonders for my mindset!!

So it begins

Busted! I am in trouble and have been grounded from drinking for 2 weeks. Why? What horrible thing did you do that took away alcohol, foxy? Well, I chose to go to bed after getting drunk at puppy's house instead of choosing to do my nightly chores. That's right people! I am in training again!

And i couldn't be more excited!!

Daddy and I have been discussing training again for a few days now because I have dropped all of my habits that were trained into me over the last few years... Dammit! I am trying to refocus, so he is helping me get back on track... And the poor guy is dealing with me, a tantrum throwing teenager pretty much (even though I am in my 30s, lol).

We went over to puppy's house to practice some rope. I am so glad that our kids get along and we can let them run around and hang out together, lol, while we do our thing with good friends.

After the boys were all situated, we went into her room and undressed down to our panties. Let me just say that I always enjoy seeing a woman's body and how she shows herself when she gets naked. When I am naked, it is hard to hide behind any mask that I present to the world to protect myself. I am the most of me when I am bared, naked, in front of someone. So I would assume that for most people... But who knows...

She and I were both tied by our Masters after I had about 5 shots of Vodka. We practiced a top tie and a leg tie. The top tie was a little tight after I moved around for a bit, so we didn't keep it on for very long. We watched as her Master dripped hot wax all over her torso and inner thighs... She squirmed at the inner thighs... And he talked to her about attitude issues, which are also my biggest issue... And she communicated back with him about it all as well. It was a lovely scene to watch... We left shortly after they started because Daddy had to work this morning.

When we got home, he sat on the couch and I fell asleep on my bed. This morning, he woke me up (not good) and had me go make his breakfast and get his food ready for his workday. Then he comes out and grabs me by the face in one hand, cupping under my chin, and tells me no alcohol for 2 weeks. As always, I question why (I have to know!). He responds that he was disappointed in me for not getting everything ready for him before going to bed last night (really bad). So I asked why it had to be so long in a bratty tone (really really bad) and he responds with the look that tells me to shut my mouth... And so I listened (good).

This is good. This is another step in the right direction for the story I want my life to be. I am so glad that I get to share my life and the way I create it.

These are not fictitious stories, but are the bare bones of my life and my struggles and successes through it. I say this because I went back and read my last couple postings and thought, this is a great story, but man, if it is real, then I am incredibly interesting and I totally love this girl in this blog. She is fun and sad and energetic and loving and sexual and real and she has gone through some shit, but she still carries on... And as I read her words, it carries me back... Back to those moments... Because they are also happening right now... So I can be happy wherever I am, because all of my loves are always with me... No one can take my memories... I am this girl that I love! How fun!?

After Rope Night

I had the best night ever. I went and was just me and I loved it... Every second of it... Except the very end, lol, but I will get to that...

I wanted to look hot... Super hot... Like the kind of hot you want to look like when you are coming out into a community again... So Master's Puppy helped me get ready! She always helps me look my best!

I wanted to remind everyone of who I am... I think i also wanted to remind myself, lol... I am a ball of happiness and sunshine and I remembered that last night. I needed that so so bad!

I wanted to have fun... Which also happened... I was tied by my Daddy and i was tied by another woman whom now intrigues me. Her touches, her breath on my skin, the feel of my body in her arms, her polite manners, her innate power, her empathy were all very very intriguing to me... Last night was a night where dreams came true for me and the universe unfolded it's love of me right in front of my eyes...

I wanted to be strong and confident... I was able to hold position for quite a while... I was naked most of the night, which makes me happy... Bonus! I got to be naked outside!!! I talked to my exes briefly through the night... Listening to Daddy's instructions to keep it to small talk and not to spend time on others when I could be spending time with him, I spoke with them when the 4 of us were in the same space and once when I was waiting for the bathroom to open up because a girl darted in before me, lol.

I wanted to be human and feel my emotions... And so I felt the stress of seeing people who were mad at me in the same space... I felt anxiety about going in the first place... I felt happiness when we met some new friends and when prior friends popped up again... I felt weird when I didn't just run to Oversoul and throw my arms around his neck and asked what he planned to do tonight... I felt clear when my Daddy took my hand and led me down a happier path... I felt joy when he tied me up and walked me around and made out with me. I felt ecstasy and release when my legs were being tied and Daddy choked me enough to drop me into subspace. I felt like an ass when I went to hug everyone good bye and I just couldn't hug them. My body rejected the thought... The next time will be fine, but this time was a gut reaction that I wasn't prepared for, so I waved and turned to walk sexily out the door, when a guy got in my way and caused me to stumble... And that pissed me off so much... Lol... So I stormed out like a teenager (hello little, lol)... Such a very human experience...

Couldn't have gone better unless I had held in my sadness for those last few minutes... If I could have just made small talk one last time, it would have been perfect... But, you know what... No one is perfect, lol ;)

Sitting in the car, fuming, a hand came in and grabbed my face... Daddy reminded me that I was a good girl and I followed his instructions. He reminded me that their rejection doesn't define me... And he was right... And I settled down and enjoyed the fact that I had a thoroughly amazing night... In everything I experienced, witnessed, and discussed, there was the universe, tipping its hat to me.

Before rope night

After being out of the scene for about a month and a half, I am going back out again tonight. I am nervous, because, let's face it... Everything is different...

I am no longer dating anyone and my rigger started seeing a girl a few weeks ago who is not okay with him tying me, his close friend and bunny for the last 6 months...

So it is me, dragging my Daddy, formerly referred to as Papa Bear, to an event that he could care less about... He is trying to like a kink that he doesn't care for, because he knows that rope is like crack for me... Rope is the only thing I have that sets me free... It helps me deal with life and all of the heart ache I have felt over the last month... Did you know that my son died within days of all of my relationships ending... That's right... Loss upon loss upon extreme loss... And I am still standing, with a pretty smile on my pretty face... Cuz that is who I am... And rope... That was the only thing that helped with the hurt...

Hopefully, Daddy will love it too... Or I will find a girl that enjoys us both and wants to tie me up... Perfect fantasy time right there...

I am me... Finally!

My mind is mine and I sometimes don't think about things the way most people do...

• I have never been most people... I am me
• I have never understood jealousy... I am happy for someone else's happiness... The world needs more happiness.
• I have never understood rooting for someone or something to fail... I always root for success.
• I have never understood wanting to be better than someone else... I focus on becoming the best me I can be.
• I have never understood hurting others or stepping on others for my own personal gain... Helping and loving has always gotten me further.

I still don't, lol... I don't think I ever will understand those feelings for people... And I am glad I won't... I couldn't imagine cheering or hoping for someone to get hurt on their path to their version of excellence. How could that action make anyone feel better about who they are as a person?

I am finding that as my life progresses, the majority of people don't really know me because they are not willing to put in the work to try and understand me... I have 3 amazing friends (a puppy, a kitty, and a frog) that I met at work that I have shared my life with besides my Papa Bear. It took months of talking, listening, explaining, and questioning, but they understand me and see me for who I am.

I have the ability to love everyone, but because the world causes people to become jaded, it is hard for others to understand this love.

I definitely learned that I need to protect myself from my ability to love in this way because, invariably, I am going to get hurt. People will walk away from me because they can and regardless of what they do, I will forgive them... It is who I am... It comes with the love I draw strength from...

Sometimes I wish that I could just follow my favorite song's advice to not give a fuck (pardon my profanities, lol)... But I just can't... My heart loves and forgives... It is like breathing for me...

I wish I could be vengeful and hateful and malicious and burn everything down around me sometimes... I could... I could just lose my shit and go crazy and destroy everything for everyone if I really wanted to... But why? I am bigger than that... Always have been and always will be...

I am done apologizing for who I am and what I do because I have no reason to be sorry... Last time I checked, my Papa Bear told me that I was amazing just the way I am... My dearest friends all think so too...

I may be a little broken after losing my son, but it just broke the part that filtered my actions... I have always been the way I am, but I used to be able to think about things from "most people's" perspective and understand how my actions could be seen and then adjust accordingly to make sure that I didn't make anyone uncomfortable... That part got broken because I am tired of hiding who I am. I am tired of pretending so others feel comfortable. I shouldn't have to. Even if it makes me weird to some and different to most. I am me.

Papa Bear and Little Squirrel

My Papa Bear has really been enjoying texting and talking to our new friend, little Squirrel, who surprisingly enough, came to me outside of the fet community. She is a friend of mine from one of my other circles and something she had posted on Facebook peaked my interest.

As you all know, my life the last month or so has been difficult on several levels. Some of the recent things will take years to feel normal while others are par for the course. It has been a long time since I dated anyone before all of these poly relationships developed.

In hindsight, I moved too fast for a new person in my life to really get comfortable... I was not prepared for what it truly meant to be a slave of my Papa Bear in my secondary relationships... I would not change who I am in all of this and I learned very valuable lessons from those experiences...

Now, Papa Bear and little squirrel are dating and I couldn't be happier. Hopefully, he paid attention to the lessons I learned so he doesn't get his heart broken as well. We had a fun "getting to know you" session as we reviewed my slave contract with Papa Bear and discussed parts that she had questions on. They will not be setting up a contract just yet, but they will be dating, kinda like normal vanilla dating with his wife hanging out from time to time... Lol...

Is it odd that I am totally excited by the fact that my Papa Bear is dating? Not if you know me ;)

Dammit!

Yesterday was a weird and hard day for me. There were so many moving parts to it that this will either be a long long post or I will break it up into a couple of different postings... We shall see...

I stayed home from work... The weekend was harder for me than I thought it would be... My heart had many small moments this weekend where it cracked a little deeper and splintered a little further... You see, I have not actually allowed my heart to shatter at the loss of my son. It is cracking as it is held together, but a time will come where something will hit it just right and it will burst into a million pieces... I can feel it...

So, waking up on Monday was difficult. I woke with a headache and an exhaustion that I am not used to. I hopped up and took care of my Papa Bear, like a good little fox and then made the grocery list. On our grocery trip, I snapped at him... You see, my emotions are all still locked in a box and I have not been myself... I find it difficult to control my tone of voice or understand how I feel about different things... He was making small talk and I jumped down his throat about coddling me... Sigh...

So then we had to talk about it... Talk about the bitchy tone... Talk about the problems... Talk about the ache that I try to ignore... Talk, talk, talk...

After talking, we put our youngest down for a nap and Papa Bear told me to get the ropes. 2 ropes to be exact... And then he tied me up, like really secured my legs open with my wrists bound at my knees, with a little movement possible... Just like I like it... Able to move, but only as far as I am allowed within my limits... My perfect life defined by a length of rope... He then used me as he explained that his rope will always come with being used... I was able to relax more and take a really good amount of anal... Much more than normal... The rope markings were heavenly, as we're the pins and needles as my foot started to wake up (it fell asleep, which made us remove the rope faster).

Papa Bear wished me a fun night on my date as I was scheduled to go to a concert with my Queen and then to do some rope with my Sir afterward. Excited that he provided his blessing, I got ready to go. He had been so good about giving me the time I need away... Allowing me my happy escape...

The concert was pretty dull, but it was nice to chat with and stare at my Queen furtively through the night. I quickly glanced at her, not sure how to behave. I always feel inept when I am with her... I don't know what to do... Ever... I know what to do when we are in a private setting, but out in public or even in the car together, I feel out of place. At one point, we were supposed to be girlfriends, but we never really defined what that meant, so I never really knew what to do, expect, or be... I make the same chatter with her that I do with other friends... I think the only real difference was that she gets the benefits...

So I finally opened my mouth about it... We talked about the awkwardness of the relationship. Of the rocky start that culminated in an explosion and then the rebuild that we were in... I know now that I will never fit the needs that they have... I may provide a welcome escape or stress relief, but they will not be able to love me the way I want to be loved by my significant others... They can provide me with a fun time, but that would be all... So we talked about that as an option... What if I was just a toy to them? What if I was a book to be checked out? It could work, right? My Queen agrees that we need to sit down and talk and discuss and redefine... All of us...

Upon returning home, I turned into a hot mess. I fell apart at the thought of becoming a simple toy to people that I truly love. I started to question my ability to be a real girl... If I am willing to be defined as a toy instead of as a person, what does that make me. I like being objectified, but do I want that more or less... If I really like being objectified, why does being a toy lower the value that I have for myself in my mind? Do I want a relationship with anyone that is devoid of love? Can someone love a toy?

Things were so much simpler before the relationships started... What if i slowly back away? Will anyone even notice? Would they fight to keep me in their lives or be apathetic with the loss of a play thing? Would he care or would he just move on? And so I struggled with it and talked with Papa Bear because our contract defines me as his property, but does not define the relationships I can have with others, other than that they need to ask his permission for access to his slave and that open communication is a must, which are both items I agree with... Does this regulation automatically turn me into a toy in the eyes of others?

Papa Bear stated that he didn't feel like I should be a toy for other people. To him, I am more valuable than to be compared to a library book, to be checked out and returned. Papa Bear believes that the ones that truly love and deserve my time and attention are people that want to hang around with our whole family and want to see me when sexual things are not involved. He wants me to be his toy during sex, but his good girl and slave princess during the rest of the day. He feels like I am worth more than I think I am... He feels like I let people take advantage of me because my heart loves with such a fierceness...

All I know is that I love and live for my Papa Bear. I love my Sir and my Queen, but I cannot be the girlfriend they wanted me to be... I love and miss my pretty girl, but I could not be the girlfriend she wanted either... Lol, maybe I am the crappy poly person...

Am I okay to settle for feeling less valuable so I can have a sexual escape in my life or should I refocus on living for my Papa Bear to get back to the space where I am happiest?

When I am the toy...

Wiped the sleep out of her eyes this morning, looking back at myself in the mirror... She was awake for the first time since he passed... The toy glanced at herself in the mirror and rinsed her mouth out...

Then, she walked back to the room and got in bed next to Papa Bear... He immediately knew it was her... Just the toy... She could tell by the way his hand snakes around her neck and squeezed... He always squeezes her throat when the toy is in charge of me...

She pushed her ass hard against his steel cock... So hard... And he groaned... I thought you said not at your mom's house...

She giggled... Mom said that we could. That is why the boys are out on the couch!... Pushed her ass against him harder, grinding his cock between her ass cheeks, her panties blocking the obvious path he wanted...

He slips the panties off her quickly, wraps a hand over her mouth, and slips his cock into her wet pussy... The toy is always wet and horny... He makes her cum twice to get his cock nice and wet to put in her ass... He whispers... I had the most amazing ass sex with you last night in my dreams...

And then he pushes the tip into that hole and chuckles as she squeaks, trying to keep quiet. Then he gives the order for her to climb on top and ride him. She rides him so hard in the quiet guest bed... Rides him until he cums... She has serviced her Master... She is glowing and floating with the sunshine this morning.