I am me... Finally!

My mind is mine and I sometimes don't think about things the way most people do...

• I have never been most people... I am me
• I have never understood jealousy... I am happy for someone else's happiness... The world needs more happiness.
• I have never understood rooting for someone or something to fail... I always root for success.
• I have never understood wanting to be better than someone else... I focus on becoming the best me I can be.
• I have never understood hurting others or stepping on others for my own personal gain... Helping and loving has always gotten me further.

I still don't, lol... I don't think I ever will understand those feelings for people... And I am glad I won't... I couldn't imagine cheering or hoping for someone to get hurt on their path to their version of excellence. How could that action make anyone feel better about who they are as a person?

I am finding that as my life progresses, the majority of people don't really know me because they are not willing to put in the work to try and understand me... I have 3 amazing friends (a puppy, a kitty, and a frog) that I met at work that I have shared my life with besides my Papa Bear. It took months of talking, listening, explaining, and questioning, but they understand me and see me for who I am.

I have the ability to love everyone, but because the world causes people to become jaded, it is hard for others to understand this love.

I definitely learned that I need to protect myself from my ability to love in this way because, invariably, I am going to get hurt. People will walk away from me because they can and regardless of what they do, I will forgive them... It is who I am... It comes with the love I draw strength from...

Sometimes I wish that I could just follow my favorite song's advice to not give a fuck (pardon my profanities, lol)... But I just can't... My heart loves and forgives... It is like breathing for me...

I wish I could be vengeful and hateful and malicious and burn everything down around me sometimes... I could... I could just lose my shit and go crazy and destroy everything for everyone if I really wanted to... But why? I am bigger than that... Always have been and always will be...

I am done apologizing for who I am and what I do because I have no reason to be sorry... Last time I checked, my Papa Bear told me that I was amazing just the way I am... My dearest friends all think so too...

I may be a little broken after losing my son, but it just broke the part that filtered my actions... I have always been the way I am, but I used to be able to think about things from "most people's" perspective and understand how my actions could be seen and then adjust accordingly to make sure that I didn't make anyone uncomfortable... That part got broken because I am tired of hiding who I am. I am tired of pretending so others feel comfortable. I shouldn't have to. Even if it makes me weird to some and different to most. I am me.