So no alcohol the day before yesterday and yesterday, but my bouts of depression are proving to be difficult for Daddy to handle while also Mastering me... How hard it is to get all of this back under control... I was such a well-behaved slave before... Not perfect, but trying my hardest was good enough...
Now, with the overwhelming depression, I just don't have the want to be better. As my mind processes through everything, my focus on day to day routines has fallen by the wayside... And I know he cares...
The Master inside my Daddy is fuming at the fact that I don't listen and that my trying is readily replaced by giving up the second I come across any sort of resistance... But the Daddy inside my Master is taking over and coddling me, allowing me to throw tantrums, enabling me to lay around and not get things done, neglecting what I need in order to placate me with what I want...
Since when did I become a princess?! That is how he treats me now... Like a spoiled little princess... It has its perks... Cuz I can do what I want and he gives me everything I ask for...
The downside... I think that I have lost respect for him as a dominant... He made bad decisions that created this negative situation for me... He apologized for them, but in reality, I had to go through and clean up all of the mess that erupted because of it... Now that the external messes are all cleaned up and packaged with pretty little bows, I have to go through and clean up the internal messes... But when I focus there, it reminds me of the bad decision and all of the pain that was caused by it... And then I choose to be mad at him for it... I choose to find him guilty of allowing me to connect with people who hurt me... I find him at fault and then I choose to make him pay for it repeatedly... These things were my fault, of course, because I gave my will to him and ownership to him, so I chose to follow his lead... After the mistakes, I tried to create my own life outside of his rules while taking responsibility for myself and that caused an even bigger shit storm...
We talk often about how I should only give my love to those who deserve it and to those who won't hurt me... But the one I trusted above all things made a decision that hurt me because he wanted to show off... And it still fucking hurts! I need to forgive... He was innocent in his mistake and I need to accept that because he was doing the best he could with what he knew at the time... It is so hard to accept that... But I need to... Otherwise, moving forward won't happen... And I will be choosing to stay in the past with regrets...
I don't like regrets and I don't do them... Every past experience has a lesson I needed to learn... I learned that regardless of how much you love people, if you don't have the time they want, they will replace you... I learned that communication is extremely important to me... I learned that I can do all of this by myself if I have to...
I talked with my Daddy about all of these thoughts yesterday and this discussion allowed me to release the pain for now. He is aware that he hurt me and he is aware that sometimes, I am going to need to vent out the frustration... And he will not run away from me if I need to vent in the future... He accepts his responsibility in what happen and that allowed me to accept mine... I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel... At the moment, lol ;)
Also, he has agreed to stop treating me like a princess... I am a slave, so he played with me thoroughly last night and made me beg for his cock, before he let me suck it... Oh my goodness, that little task did wonders for my mindset!!
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