Thursday, September 21, 2017

Fuck Feelings

So it has been a minute since I have written a blog entry about my life and what has been going on... I am finally starting to get over the agitation I have toward the princess... Is she my ideal candidate for the poly lifestyle that I originally had planned with my Master? No... but as His slave, I have decided to accept His decision to add her to the household and stfu... I gave my undying loyalty to Him and will follow Him to the ends of the earth... so if He says she is the right one for the life He wants, then I just need to go with the flow and make sure He is happy.

I asked Him how I was doing at accepting her in and being the slave He knows I can be and He said that He was pleased... Then, He asked me how I was feeling about it and I requested that He not ask as feelings aren't really pertinent to the decision to follow Him on this matter... I personally am not feeling.. Fuck feelings... I have shut down my feelings to return to myself... the woman who gave no fucks about herself or her wants or her needs and who cared only for her Master, as He has made sure to meet those wants and needs as I earn the right to more... His lil chameleon fox who becomes anything He wants me to be... As long as I belong only to Him, I will not suffer unless He deems it necessary for me to do so... at which point, I will graciously accept such suffering.

 It is important to me that I continue to follow His lead and give Him the best experience in life that I can as He is doing the same for me... I am thoroughly enjoying the housewife/ stay-at-home mom that I get to be now!! (Thank You Master!!)

In my quest to find myself, I lost sight of my own personal vision and mission and took on a more business focused mindset... as I get back to myself, I noticed that independence and what I want out of life do not go hand in hand... I love depending on my strong sexy Master to provide for and take care of me... I love being told what to do... I am a shameless and dirty girl who needs the control that my Master Daddy offers.

On a side note, my daydreaming is coming back... it was something I hadn't realized that I had lost or been missing... This morning, I watched Secretary (great kink movie if you haven't watched it yet) and was able to fantasize about Daddy having His own office for His architectural work while I worked as His secretary and gave Him BJs under the desk... it was pretty hot, so I used my vibrator on my clit and orgasmed to thoughts of myself naked and in chains, delivering coffee to my Master...

Held in Your heart - poem for my Master

i am yours,
Yours and Yours alone,
i belong to You,
my heart is Yours.

Your lil fox,
fox in Your cage,
Held in Your heart,
Submitting to You.

Pushed down,
Down on my tummy,
Ass raised high,
Receiving You in.

Your lil fox,
fox in Your cage,
Held in Your heart,
Submitting to You.

Lost in You,
You and Your eyes,
Playful and intoxicating,
self dissipates.

Your lil fox,
fox in Your cage,
Held in Your heart,
Submitting to You.

my heart is Yours,
Yours to hold and love,
To torture and bleed,
To heal and strengthen.

Your lil fox,
fox in Your cage,
Held in Your heart,
Submitting to You.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Roller coaster

I'm feeling sick today, so apparently, it is time for me to write and process through my feelings... these last couple of days , I have been in full review of my past so I can get through some more pain, which is at the route of my illness... at least, hat is my belief based on my newest personal development literature... healing within our hearts is enabled through unconditional love... and when that internal healing isn't occurring, then we get sick, escalate headaches, and create maladies within our own minds...

So, that being said, I am trying to solve my neurosis... I originally found this pain and anger when I was reading through October of 2015s postings... and at that time, I called out for healing... and my rollercoaster continues... I go up and down on this path to healing over the last year and a half... when in reality, everything around me is what I have created based on the energy I was putting out...

He just tells me to be happy... to find the thing that makes me happy and to do that... what does that even mean... I'm just tired of fighting again and I want things to be easy... but they aren't... they won't be... I won't let them be, I guess... since I'm the one in charge of it all... since I create my reality...

I want to struggle so I continue to create relationships of struggle. The princess no longer drives me insane. She's given up on trying because of every block i put in her way and will likely continue to throw up... figured out where that trick came from- looks like it is a mindset adjustment that backfired... need to sit down and review my processes again and make adjustments again and compartmentalize again... just the usual pain circle going on over here... you've seen it before if you are an avid reader of mine... just ignore it because it will get better again soon... it always does...

Back in my hell...

And I'm back here again... back in the anger and frustration of the past... back in that moment of feeling lost and unwanted and undervalued... undervaluing myself and my life and my plans and my goals... and feeling like none of it even matters anyways because one day, I will be gone... and I will be able to cuddle my baby who is no longer physically with me...

Reliving old nightmares of the past and the heartbreak that has been my life... struggling to let the past fall since it is no longer here... but how do you protect yourself from getting into that same situation again? How do you forgive and move forward when your heart is full of fear?

My main focus for meditation today was releasing my anger towards my Master and allowing myself to serve Him again and feel the same way I once did about it... you see, there was a time when serving Him was more natural to me than breathing... it gave me life to be by his side, gripping onto His every word and believing that my service was unique...  it felt better to take care of anything He needed back then... it gave me pride to have Him show me off and offer me as a gift to others...

now... now, it feels forced and i can see that it is no longer unique... there is someone else that can do it too and while she is not quite as good as I am, we all start somewhere... I don't really want to make Him proud enough to share me or offer me to others... I don't want to be in the same situation again where I am given permission to explore... I don't want to have my heart crushed on all sides at once... I almost didn't make it out of that alive... soon, it will be 2 years... 2 years since my son passed and my lovers ran away and my Master showed His selfish side... the side I had been begging for across a span of 6 years before He finally surfaced and lay waste to my universe...

I told Him it was safe to be that way and when He finally stepped up to that plate, I couldn't handle it.  Just like He couldn't really handle sharing me... not all of me, anyway... not the emotions and love that I have and can give. The sex though... He could have shared that all day, cuz it is just a body... His goddess has always been more to Him than that... Now that I have experienced more and tasted more, can I release myself and Him from my madness and my anger at the past... can I let us become what I have always wanted or will I continue to fall down each time I try... how do I release my selfish need to protect myself and trust Him to protect me again when the last couple times didn't work out... how do I feel special and unique when my heart no longer craves to serve as it once did... when the contract I built for Him looks stupid and childish to me now...

fractured and broken... still trying to pull my pieces together...

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Princesses get hearts

Princess, foxy, and Papa Bear met on the patio Wednesday night after a day of activity. The kiddos had been dropped off with the in laws for a sleepover and they had a whole house to themselves!!! Papa Bear and foxy sat to smoke after passionately saying hello.

"Go get the play bag out and set up for play, lil princess," says Papa Bear.

"Okay, Daddy!" The princess kissed her daddy deeply and went to the door. As she opened it, foxy told her to get out the things she wanted to play with.

foxy thought about the shoes that were in her closet and that the princess had talked fondly of getting stomped on... Would this be a way for the three partners to bond more.

It was... it truly was... I am looking back at the start of this blog entry and realizing that I stepped away from writing about the eccentric fun that is my life... lol... love my starts and stops along the way...

Friday, June 16, 2017

The Persistent Lil Princess

In full breakdown mode, I'm not really the most fun to hang out with. I mostly cry or mope or lay around and watch endless Netflix movies... I also love to eat everything that is bad for me... the type of food that actually leaves me less energized... which leads to a soul sucking black hole wrapped in a fox blanket as a sarong...

In that space, i finally decided to open a door for the princess into my life again... the terrain is different and my guards are down as I try to grow through this grief, so i'm not sure how this has affected her. i started by letting her take care of me... She started by getting me water and food and holding my hand... she cuddled when i laid still and didn't cuddle back... persistent lil princess

When i asked for time alone, she gave it with a squeeze of my hand... and when i called for more booze, she brought me another glass (always ensuring that i was staying hydrated)... when she leaned in to kiss me, and i held fast, she didn't push the extra step... i think she learned that a fox will get to know you of their own volition... it is not something that can be forced by a persistent lil princess...

And she massaged my feet and back with lotion, taking her time and doing it right... i cuddled her and leaned in to her the other day and just gave myself to her for the moment and she brought me to orgasm 2-3 times i think... sometimes it's hard to remember... i know i made her orgasm as well... tickling the inside of her pink persistent lil princess pussy...

And then we kissed and it was gentle and teasing and fierce and wild and passionate... when i asked what she wanted from me, she couldn't say... fucking persistent lil princess... she put me in her vortex and it looks like she is going to get me after all... hopefully, she has grown enough to handle a fox...

Monday, June 12, 2017

Spiral

The depression in my life is real right now... it isn't this burst of tears that I was feeling and having randomly before... it is a whole and complete apathy for life and all that it encompasses...

I remember these feelings... I remember this soul sucking hole... I remember that if I wait, it too will pass... nothing feels right... the thought of rope seems repulsive in this state...

My heart is bleeding out at the most unfortunate time as I have some business expenses coming up... I know it will all work out because everything works out for me eventually... right? I mean, this lil life of mine has had a lot of roller coaster in it.... and it is all the uphill battle right now... I can't wait until I reach the top and an able to just enjoy the fucking ride again...

9 years ago today, I was preparing to bring in the lil angel who changed my life, made me grow, and left me too early in his lil life... life is hard... I don't care what anyone says... it is a bitch... and it is bleeding me dry... I think that is why no one makes it out alive...