Friday, June 16, 2017

The Persistent Lil Princess

In full breakdown mode, I'm not really the most fun to hang out with. I mostly cry or mope or lay around and watch endless Netflix movies... I also love to eat everything that is bad for me... the type of food that actually leaves me less energized... which leads to a soul sucking black hole wrapped in a fox blanket as a sarong...

In that space, i finally decided to open a door for the princess into my life again... the terrain is different and my guards are down as I try to grow through this grief, so i'm not sure how this has affected her. i started by letting her take care of me... She started by getting me water and food and holding my hand... she cuddled when i laid still and didn't cuddle back... persistent lil princess

When i asked for time alone, she gave it with a squeeze of my hand... and when i called for more booze, she brought me another glass (always ensuring that i was staying hydrated)... when she leaned in to kiss me, and i held fast, she didn't push the extra step... i think she learned that a fox will get to know you of their own volition... it is not something that can be forced by a persistent lil princess...

And she massaged my feet and back with lotion, taking her time and doing it right... i cuddled her and leaned in to her the other day and just gave myself to her for the moment and she brought me to orgasm 2-3 times i think... sometimes it's hard to remember... i know i made her orgasm as well... tickling the inside of her pink persistent lil princess pussy...

And then we kissed and it was gentle and teasing and fierce and wild and passionate... when i asked what she wanted from me, she couldn't say... fucking persistent lil princess... she put me in her vortex and it looks like she is going to get me after all... hopefully, she has grown enough to handle a fox...

Monday, June 12, 2017

Spiral

The depression in my life is real right now... it isn't this burst of tears that I was feeling and having randomly before... it is a whole and complete apathy for life and all that it encompasses...

I remember these feelings... I remember this soul sucking hole... I remember that if I wait, it too will pass... nothing feels right... the thought of rope seems repulsive in this state...

My heart is bleeding out at the most unfortunate time as I have some business expenses coming up... I know it will all work out because everything works out for me eventually... right? I mean, this lil life of mine has had a lot of roller coaster in it.... and it is all the uphill battle right now... I can't wait until I reach the top and an able to just enjoy the fucking ride again...

9 years ago today, I was preparing to bring in the lil angel who changed my life, made me grow, and left me too early in his lil life... life is hard... I don't care what anyone says... it is a bitch... and it is bleeding me dry... I think that is why no one makes it out alive...

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Surprise Alone Time with Master

Yesterday was really interesting! So, after my shift at my shop, i came home thinking i had a birthday party for one of my nieces. The princess corrected me and said that it was actually on Tuesday and that the calendar appointment that was scheduled must be wrong... instead of double checking the invite on the fridge, i trusted her info and took an edible... i had been having migraine flare ups all day and wanted something a bit stronger than my normal medication to help me stop them.

After taking the edible, i hear the princess saying that she reviewed the invite again and the party was  that night... this immediately upset me because it meant that i couldn't go because of the intensity of the medication i just took... which also meant i was missing out on time with my kids swimming at the pool... i took a deep breath and tried to focus on how it would be a good thing... i thought about the option of having one on one time with my Master and that it would be okay... i talked myself into being okay with the mistake and into finding peace in the situation...

i could tell that she was beating herself up about the misinformation, so i told her not to worry about it and that everything would be okay... it just meant that Master and i would get some alone time together... i could see on her face that she really didn't like that idea either... sigh... In times like these, i feel like i can't win and that nothing i can do will make the princess happy...

So they left... after a long conversation with my 11 year old about how some meds are stronger than others and that mommy had taken a night med earlier to get her migraine to stop when she normally would not have if she was going to leave the house... and i continued to clean and focus on tidying up the house.

When Master returned home from work, i was able to greet him and get him dinner... then he ordered me to take off my slave dress and get the rope. He did a nicely tightened chest harness and snug hip harness and then used me hard... we tried to do anal, but his cock was overly swollen from all of the other fucking and it hurt when it went in, so He switched angles and fucked me deeper than ever... i lost myself in those moments and the rope was deliciously tight enough to get me to space... He is getting better each time he rigs me!! And the fucking was great, as always.

Once we finished and got dressed, we got a message that they were about 15 minutes out... which was quickly reduced to 2... the princess always keeps us on our toes... when they got home, i wanted to tell her about all the fun but couldn't... i knew that just mentioning that we had sex would upset her... it is so interesting to me that she gets jealous over the time i have with my husband... even when she is the reason we had the extra alone time together...

i have dedicated my focus to being the slave my Master wants... a happy girl who loves Him and does anything that is asked of her... the newest ask is that i accept His princess because He loves her and she makes Him happy... i have set out intentionally to love her unconditionally so that i can be the slave He would be the most proud of... Hopefully, i am doing a good job...

This is an incredibly difficult task for me because my mindset is eternally shifting... but i will keep at it until i have successfully eradicated all negative feelings i have for her... Hopefully, she gets her jealousy under control as well... otherwise, she will continue to make herself miserable in our happy home...

Baby Rigger

Playing with a new rigger is always a lot of fun for me!! They are generally eager to please and want to do everything right so they are highly safety conscience... as long as they are really into the rope. I had the great pleasure of working with a baby rigger who started out as a bunny, so she knows and appreciates the pleasure that is a great rope session!

Watching as she apprenticed with Sire was interesting. I could feel her want to do it perfectly... to please her mentor, but more in the excitement of pleasing herself... detail oriented and focused from the start!!

I felt like a demo bottom and didn't get too much of a feel for her energy as his was wrapped around it with his instruction. This actually worked really well for me as I tend to build fast and deep connections with my riggers... maybe it is a lack of judgmental attitude and a safe spot to grow... maybe it is the space that I give to truly allow them to experience their craft the way they want... shit... maybe it's just cuz the rope looks really pretty on me... the flow of energy is intense when I am working one on one with a rigger, but is a bit more broken when I am working with more than one...

I can't wait to see what happens as the baby rigger picks up more skill!

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Foxkabobs

Last night, my Master played with me and it helped me reconnect in a deeper level within myself. i hit deep subspace and feel like i have healed a lot of pain in the process!! 

The princess was at Comicon, so after the kids went to bed, we played with rope. i gave my Master all of the ropes in the bag and He requested the bamboo pole... Then, He had me hold my hands, fingers interlaced, around the pole. 

He stretched me out straight and started by securing my ankles to the pole, and i started to drop... i was being tied to a pole... And i was told to hold still and i listened so well!! i was very proud of the good rope bunny i was being!! Then, as He was picking up my waist to pass the rope underneath, i slipped a lil more.. After He secured my hands, He tied an extra grip of rope so i had something to hold on to... 

i loved it when He grabbed an end of the stick and started twirling His lil fox skewer on the bed... Teehee! 

Then, He rolled me on to my tummy... (under my right boob is really sore from where i laid on the pole... Noticed this afternoon in the shower while washing)... Pulled down my panties and worked His cock onto my ass...

i started to groan and He asked who i belonged to... And i responded that i belonged to Him and He owns me... He asked who i lived for... And for the first time in a while, i immediately responded that i live for Him and His happiness and pleasure... And it felt good... It felt right... It felt perfect... And then He placed His hand over my mouth and i dropped the rest of the way...

i remember trying to get my butt higher in the air, but struggling with it cuz i was tied to a pole, lol...

i remember begging Him to take me...

i remember feeling owned and safe and warm... 

Thursday, May 18, 2017

How long...

She's not going to stop... She is cuddling and smiling and poking and prodding... She's tickling and giggling...

It is infuriating and mind blowing... I have treated her like the shit on the bottom of my shoe and when it is all said and done, she is still trying to show me that she is not going anywhere... Except to the store for groceries... Lol...

I am not sure what her  angle is or what game she is playing, all I know is that I don't want her to win... A piece of me believes this is some kind of long con...

And then she pointed out that if she wins, then I win too... Her winning means that I let her into my heart and all three of us are happy together... If she is willing to stay with us through my crazy explosions, then why am I afraid that she will leave once I let my guard down... Maybe because I have seen it happen before... I have seen her leave someone she promised she wouldn't...

I see her trying... I see her growing... I see her fighting... Maybe I should stop being the fierce and overprotective dragon and settle back into the sweet and feisty fox that I know I am... Maybe I should stop comparing her actions of the past to who she is now... Maybe I should stop assuming that she has  an escape plan if she still hasn't used it yet... After all... I have not made it easy... How long do I make her pay for her mistakes...

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Duality

Chilling out and watching Once Upon A Time today with my sickness... My head is throbbing and my whole body aches...

Today, I feel like I am finally getting back to myself... On Monday, I came home to a dirty house and I became very upset... I started cleaning and then the Princess came out to help and I just lost my shit...

I screamed at her... I told her to leave... I became so agitated and out of control...

It scared me... I am such a peaceful and happy person a great majority of the time, but there are certain things I am finding that trigger me into a blind rage... And I am super mean when I am there...

And yet... She is still here... Still here and still playfully herself... Trying to help me engage in a positive way again... I hate and love this at the same time... The duality of my nature around her hurts my heart...