Thursday, September 20, 2018

My Twisted Head

My head is suddenly twisted... I am falling through my thoughts... trying to open the doors in my head and heart to be the best version of me... writing usually unlocks these for me, so here I am...

After an amazing rope session with my Sire, I got back home and suddenly felt sad and lost... maybe unfulfilled... my submissive side is craving a truly dominant influence now that my dominant side has been satiated through my control in my relationship with Sire... so I snuggled into my Daddy... knowing that I needed something, but not knowing what I needed at the time... I am only now able to articulate my feelings by sitting down and writing about it now, lol... that is so frustrating but also enlightening...

I told him that I needed Him and he choked me out... and that helped... a little with the tension that was building in my head... when I start fighting with myself, my migraines flair... but it wasn’t what I needed... and unfortunately, I don’t know what I need!! I just can’t figure it out and I am past frustrated with it...

Maybe I need a good beating or some orders to follow... maybe I need to beat some ass... maybe I wish my protective side would stay away cuz I am so safe that she isn’t needed.... maybe I just need to feel safe... that made my eyes tear up, so that’s a step in a direction... fuck...


Monday, September 10, 2018

Memory lane

It’s so hard to live in the present right now... with the wonderful reminders that social media provides, I am walking down a memory lane from hell... 3 years ago, I watched my sons life come to a close... today, three years ago, is when I found out that my son was not going to make it... today was the day that I found out that we were out of viable options to save him... I spent the first 30 minutes of today crying...

But life keeps moving... a blessing and a curse... and I’ve got to dry my eyes, get my toys, and prepare myself to play with a bunch of freaky friends online... the life of a cam girl...

Sunday, August 26, 2018

The Tease

Rope!! I got rope again and man did I need it. I have been in an interesting head space lately and it has really been messing with me. I needed more grounding, and who better to give it to me than one of the men I love. Sire and I chatted on the way over to his place about life and things.

When we got there, he recreated our first memory in rope. It was so fun! To be tied, caught as a prisoner in red rope again, like the first time he tied me... it was nostalgic... then on to another tie, recreating a fun picture moment from the past. I ended up in a rope bikini before we retired to a lovely make out session on the bed.

Then, he gently guided my hand to his cock and I had a shift within me. My initial plans were to play in rope, cuddle, then move to a blow job... kinda my thing... but once he took the initiative, my original plans melted away and a new plan emerged. I am not the quiet little submissive I once was... so I teased... I mercilessly and gracefully teased... holding his cock in my hand, no blow job in site...

Then, it was time to go. On the ride home, I recognized the shift and Sire and I were able to discuss and talk about it. In the car, I asked if he wanted me to be naughty. He thought road head, but I dipped my fingers into my pussy instead and placed my wet dripping fingers in his mouth. All he wanted at that moment was to fuck the naughty lil bitch in his truck.

When he dropped me off at home, we joked about the fact that this bitch didn’t even give him a BJ and we burst out laughing about it. I can’t wait to see what our next play session holds.

Friday, August 24, 2018

Anticipation

Love abounds in my life and yet my heart is still heavy and my head is still lost. My center escapes me and this experiment in chastity is delightful and difficult at the same time. The deliciousness of the wanting, craving, pulling and the frustration in telling my body, not today... a new kind of torture, but one that will create another future heaven between my thighs... I have always been phenomenal at putting a plan into motion and watching it play out...

Is masturbating cheating on chastity? I don’t think so... it takes away some of the edge, but also creates a deeper need... hmmm, what will it be like to break this seal?

I was doing this deep memory regression hypnosis thing the other day and my first happy memory included a tingling in my pussy... my self reflection and study is bringing me back to a connection within my core... and the sexual energy and sexuality that is me... as my Daddy finger fucks me, I grind against it and orgasm, and I actually enjoy it... the feeling, the energy, the experience...


Tuesday, August 14, 2018

That Door is my Bitch!

I have finally figured out how to forgive and love unconditionally while still using discernment to determine who belongs in my life. I was able to finally cut my biological mother’s hold on me, loving her where she is at, but not allowing her back into my life situation. Her manipulation is not welcome in the halls of my mind.

That being said, I have reviewed the relationships I had in the past that ended because of rules I no longer held more dear than love... Forward momentum is sexy... growth is intriguing... people make mistakes and mistakes are forgivable... as long as I’m happy, then the connection is good for me... it will help me stay in a positive place, which is where I need to stay to continue to build the life of my dreams.

Yesterday started with fixing a door... I needed to fix the threshold on my back door and Sire came over to help... the same Sire from ago... and man, did we fix that door... the bitch of a thing fought back tremendously, but after 4 trips to the Home Depot and 7 hours, we made that door my bitch! We had recently discussed bringing romance back into our friendship and I am so glad that everything aligned in such a way that we could give that a try. Kissing in the kitchen at his place when we went to collect more tools happened naturally and felt right. A naughty feeling make out session when trying to determine where to cut the spots for the door latches... A sense of accomplishment and longing when the project was finished and he had to go.

Then, I took a shower and Daddy came home and asked what I was still doing there... He thought I was going to be out hanging with Sire after everything he helped me with. So I messaged Sire and we went out for a lovely steak dinner and wonderful evening of companionship. When I came home, Daddy and I cuddled and caught up on a lil bit of our show together. Then he fucked the princess... oh my goodness, life is just perfect right now!!

Saturday, August 4, 2018

We’re BACK and better than ever!!

Oh my goodness! Our first party night at our local dungeon and it couldn’t have gone any better. It started with the princess socializing and Daddy and I walking around and watching  a few scenes... ideas ran through my head for the next time. I already had our scene for tonight picked out, thank goodness. I knew I wanted a deep tissue massage where I could yell obscenities when she really dug into the tight and sore muscles. She wanted to hit my butt with the ball mallets and I was down with that.

As I set up this interesting table for my massage, Daddy started playing with my pussy and let me grind on his pants. We are playing around with chastity right now so he doesn’t get to fuck me for 6 months. It started out as a birthday/anniversary present to the princess and has quickly taught me how much I enjoy teasing. I love getting him excited and hard to go fuck another woman... it’s hot!

Then, I gave Daddy a blow job as I took off his pants and prepped him to fuck the princess. Once it was hard, I grabbed his cock and led my amazing “fuck boy” to pound the princess for a great back massage. He fucked her good and hard in front of everyone while I flogged her gently on her beautiful breasts, tweaking her gumdrop nipples from time to time. When she begged to cum, he commanded her to and she fell... it was beautiful!

I looked around and my eyes stopped on the empty St. Andrews Cross. We moved everything effortlessly... well, for me anyway... I just directed and Daddy and the princess set it up for me. We tied the princess to the cross and I got to have fun. I flogged her, whapped her, whipped her and paddled her hard at the very end... I made her bleed... dirty whore has to be fluid bonded to everything around her, lol... so mouthy, I need a better gag.

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Prostate Play

So, my unicorn just got back from vacation and man, have I missed him... the only thing that sucks right now is how limited our time together actually is... I cannot wait until the kids are back in school and we have a bit more time together. He seems to appreciate my loving brand of dominance... I know I definitely appreciated the faces he was making when I tried a prostate massage for the first time, lol...