Sometimes, Things Change

 I am fucking sick... Trying to work, but i keep coughing and sniffling when I talk and that really just had guys leaving as soon as they entered my page... which is super awesome with the bills I have... whoop whoop... I am thinking I may just need to cut the social life for a little bit and focus on working my butt off, once I am not sick again. 

In trauma therapy (HARD AF), I finally uncovered the deeper trauma that I suffered that created the DID and it seems as though my DID has now gone into some kind of remission. I would love to say it is cured and I am fully integrated, but I have felt cohesive before and then it all fell apart again, sooooo... that being said, I have been using therapy the last couple of weeks to look at aspects of my life, relationships, feelings and where they all are now that the rollercoaster in my brain has stopped.

This week has been a toughie as I am now working on anger and I no longer have alcohol to kind of numb my feelings... that's right, sober for a week and a half now... and man are my emotions raw. Looking at my life, I have ensured that I have healthy boundaries and do a much better job at holding them up (dishonesty or abandonment equal an automatic exit from my life), that the people in my life are willing to hold to those boundaries, and that my feelings matter. Looking inside, I am still pushing my feelings to the side (especially anger or hurt) when an issue doesn't get resolved and it is something I have talked about before. 

This is telling me that I believe my feelings matter enough to be heard, but not necessarily enough to be acted upon. I know I am okay with this in relationships where I don't act on the other person's feelings. In relationships where I make changes to bring joy or peace to someone else, I am learning that I am wanting my feelings to matter and when they don't, it hurts even more. I may have to make more changes to resolve the pain... and while that is scary, I also know it will be better for everyone in the end, including myself. 

Catching Up

Well... I had a shit ton of experiences to type about and share in here and I let too much time pass and now I can't trust that I will detail them well enough for my liking to refer back to...I was suffering migraines pretty bad... my job that included staring at 3 monitors of information 40 hours a week was causing my brain to liquidate, I think. I finally made a big enough error in reporting my attendance that the company let me go... surprised the fuck out of me... top 5%, customer service score of 5 out of 5 (unheard of), and 100% call quality 4 months straight... but companies are companies and rules are rules... Best benefit of being fired? No migraines have happened since I left :)

So what did I start doing again? That's right, camming!! I really love it too! Its a lot of fun and I get to play around with fun stories and create an imaginary alter ego life that allows my creative writer juices to be used. I think I may also use this time to finally write an actual book... maybe something about my life... maybe something fictitious... I guess I will get to see...

Before I move forward though, I did want to capture notes I left for myself on a written notepad from 10/11/23.

- I found a Babygirl for a minute... the connection really helped me define what I am looking for even though she found someone else and I found out through a social media post... I had so much fun going to the resort and being pampered. In the end, her man, linked in through vid chat, was kinda obtuse and a bit disrespectful in my opinion. Kinda made me feel like a whore, being bought with a nice resort and a fancy meal. All together though, a brief little whirlwind of fun... We even got to play at Princess's house on his bed.

- I still have my Princess, although I am probably going to start calling him Cutie from now on. As my mind shifted to this new me, I lost the taste for him in panties. I think it is because I find the thrill in making dominant men wear panties and he is my submissive, so it’s too easy to get him to do it, lol. I did give him a taste of exhibitionism at my house, stripping him down on the couch facing away from the  others in the room, who all left right before I started beating him so he thought they were watching when they weren't. A nice little mind fuck I thoroughly enjoyed. The extra anxiety and excitement at others being there to watch him get played with. We also fucked at his house and tried fucking at my house, with my Daddy Bear watching... lol... I definitely prefer him as a cum dispenser ;p

- Cutie brought a Kitten into our lives that has been a lot of fun to play with. She lets me beat her ass good and hard and lets Daddy Bear fuck her in the ass as well. We have been able to enjoy threesomes and other fun times. 

- Sire popped back up, like he does... I couldn't even remember everything around our last contact because I was Foxy then and I am Jennifer now and the information just wasn't available. Got back into therapy and my singularity dissolved back into the mess of DID and I remembered everything and blocked him on my phone so he cannot reach out to me again.

- My DaddyBear has stayed by my side through everything. He is doing well and I have really enjoyed watching his relationship with the Phoenix grow and blossom. They have only had one rough spot in the last 3 years… their connection gives me hope that I will find the one I am looking for to spend more of my life with.

- DID has been a fucking struggle with a lot of progress and I am finally seeing a light at the end of a tunnel, I think... I was able to get enraged and not lose myself to Daphne just this last week. I could hear her thoughts on how to handle the situation and acknowledge them without them taking over... without her taking over and shattering things and feelings... this is progress. I could hear Foxy's sadness at losing her best friend without actually knowing what the fuck happened and acknowledge the feeling without her people pleasing side coming out to make everything all better... to live in the suck that was created instead of letting well defined boundaries be trampled, hurting myself in the long run to make things feel better now... it fucking hurts in other ways that will be short term, but painful nonetheless... this is progress. I am still losing myself to Jenny sometimes during sexy time with Daddy Bear, but I think it's cuz I still have some trauma to work through with my little to give her back her voice, silenced by sexual abuse. Even just being able to recognize and define this is progress. Jordyn is here and I can hear their quiet appreciation for beautiful women and the thoughts of handy improvements that can be done around the house. I kinda wish that Jordyn would take over and get all this work done, but I am grateful that I can hear what needs to get done. Usually, I can't hear Jordyn at all, so this is progress. 

Alright... I think that catches us up to today... for the most part anyway.

Shifting to a slave

Losing my mind again... too many things happening inside my brain at once and the migraines have been unbearable. Thank goodness for weed and medication to help get it under control. I feel myself changing again... shifting... my mind is open to change... and in the current capacity of being 5 full personalities, my brain is ripping apart, so if it doesn’t solve soon, I don’t know how long I’ll be functioning… 

Daphne was the first one to walk out the door... she declared that we are safe in the current life situation. She promised that she would be listening like always, but is confident that we are well supported and well loved. As my protector, it is lovely to have her blessing on my current lifestyle and selections around the people in my life.

Jenny quickly followed as my little side feels most comfortable with Daphne… she doesn’t talk, but she just kinda curtsied and walked through the door as well… it looked like she ran to catch up and they joined hands before the door closed…

Then there were 3… Foxy, Jennifer, and me… now, me… I can’t leave… I’m always here… core personality that keeps the lights on and the breath happening type of thing… and Foxy and Jennifer can’t coexist…Foxy is sunshine personified with a high level of promiscuity and disregard for the rules and Jennifer is chill with a somber mood that only has eyes for PapaBear and follows rules to the letter…

We chatted with PapaBear about it and he really misses his slave… like really misses her… and while foxy is fun, she is no one’s slave, so she walked out the door as well. 

So here we are… Jennifer and me… and the contract that we wrote in 2015… implementation of that has begun and I got a spanking this morning with a holed paddle for not communicating with him when I was supposed to… 

The punishment today was different than I remember… he never seemed interested in punishments before, just kinda doled them out… but over the years, he has gained an interest in providing the teaching moment… the lecturing was more focused… his attention just felt different… and then the paddle swung….

Crack!!!!

The pain, boy howdy, the pain was intense and I screamed and jumped away. Then I heard his voice and I rolled back to him crying and shaking in his arms as he soothed me. I could feel his hands caressing the skin around where the paddle hit… He was so gentle and when I asked if he was going to play with the marks, he said he wouldn’t cuz he knows it’s painful. Moments before, he said he has been itching to play with a paddled butt due to the paddling he gives to one of our platonic friends, so I asked him to please play with the marks. It actually helped to make it feel better…

Then he kissed and licked my marks and told me to move to the other side of the bed. He then started to use his slave’s pussy and ass. I couldn’t take his cock in my ass all the way, it’s so big, but I did my best. As he pumped my pussy with his cock, I felt myself getting wet… then he said my trigger word and I orgasmed all over his cock. So juicy and slippery… next, he moved me into a split legged position that buries his cock as deep as it can get, which is a bit much for me, but my Master gives me everything I deserve… he then flattened me out and went flat doggy style until he exploded… satisfied and spent, I left him on the bed as I hopped into the shower to clean his dirty girl.

1 Chance

 After ending the dynamic, he asked for another chance... and honestly, I really had to think on it. He hadn't hit any hard limits, but I am also looking for a submissive that naturally serves me and wants to take care of me... not just another boy friend putting in low key effort that gets to play with me... 

When I asked him why a dynamic instead of a friendship, he said it was because he wanted the closest connection possible and that he had just lost his focus and would like another chance... so I decided on 1 more chance... now without any points or rewards... still with activities to do and lists of things I like and don't like, lol... and the effort has definitely improved. I've only had to beat him once for bratty behavior... 

I'm really enjoying having things be about me... what I like, what I want, what intrigues me... I'm learning to use my voice and he is already used to my looks... I feel like, with one look, I can cease a behavior and cause him to get the silliest look on his face and with another look, I can melt him in my mouth, I mean my hands, lol. I am also enjoying the pampering... oh the pampering... I've always been the one that takes care of everyone else... it feels so good to be taken care of.

Pre - 90 Day Review

I am a little late on my 90 day review of the sub I have been reviewing... to be fair, migraines have kind of fucked me up... and there was also a minimal break period during the consideration period as well due a disconnect in expectations and attention to detail... but it's really just a structure of my design so it really only matters to me that I am a little behind on my timelines, lol... I digress...

The implementation of the new layer of activities and rewards, shifted things a little. Princess was racking up the points and hitting all of the self care points that were available. I had built in new points around walking the dog and cleaning up the house and he was smashing those out of the park. I don't have a lot of things I require, so I placed points around massaging me as well. 

Only one big annoyance for me happened with the door to his vehicle... this is gonna sound silly, but small things matter... and if I am going to be the Domme, then I really want to be heard and for my wishes to be followed... I think it is cute when someone gets the door for me if it is in the natural flow of their life and sometimes, even when someone goes out of their way to get the door for me... but if I get to my door and have to wait for you to unlock the door or for you to get to the door to open it for me, then who is really in control of the situation? Not me... and I shared this sentiment a couple of different ways and then very plainly got frustrated by it and laid it out, to which the response was that he just wouldn't get the door anymore, then lost focus on me for the rest of the evening...  I am used to this "shut down" technique and am not fond of it. I just want to be heard and to have things adjust to what I am asking for... It was around this same time that Princess asked how I could be more satisfied with our dynamic, and I totally lost my shit, lol...

I was so pissed about being asked how I could feel more satisfied... For one, I had a set day for review at the 90 day mark... I feel like everything with me is a test and I am always "collecting data" for my social experiment... so to ask me for that type of assessment almost a month early felt like another way he was controlling the situation, which didn't look great due to the car door situation... Secondly, I had provided a list of things that could be done to bring me satisfaction... it wasn't a big list, but it was there... 

So, taking a look at the data early, I determined that the dynamic should end. Princess lost focus on me and focused instead on earning all the points... lol... this created an interesting dynamic as the activities on the list that were more focused on me had lower point volumes, so by choosing to get the higher point activities, Princess was failing the test... What I want is more important than what you can get... I still wanted to be friends and still wanted to play from time to time as he is a solid cum dispenser, but not a full D/s dynamic. I ended up leaving early that day, to give him time to process... thankfully, I had gotten a tummy full of cum from using him before we had the conversations. 

Consideration Review Tomorrow

Ahhhh!! I’m fucking stoked! My new sub has been doing great during our 30 days of consideration. We’ve had 3 punishments and 3 reward days and all have been so fun for me. Today ends that period and I am soo happy to ask that he be mine. He has already provided me with his consent… yay!!  

Tomorrow will be the actual review… so one may ask, what’s on the agenda?

First, there will be rope.

Then, my laptop will come out so we can update the questionnaire, review the current tasks, potentially add additional tasks, review the point structure on the rewards, and add more rewards to earn.

He will be ready with 7 new rewards suggestions, to discuss tasks and any changes he would like to see, and to review the points set on the current 10 rewards and his thoughts on those rewards so far.

He said his consideration of me ended before we even played together, which I find amusing. I recommend that both Doms and subs take a new play partner under consideration for at least 30 days to make sure your play styles match. I also have a 90 day opt out scheduled… After that, I won’t ask again… 

Smile - Migraine Poetry

Smile… 
even when it hurts… 
even when it’s dark… 
even when you want to gouge your eyes out so your brain will stop hurting as the light seeps in… 
Smile… 
the hurt will go… 
the dark will illuminate… 
leave your eyes so when the pain stops you can see… 

Smile.