Friday, October 13, 2017

Rope Family?

These last couple of weekends have been interesting for me... it is different to see us all interacting together again... Sire and the baby rigger are quickly becoming friends that we can go have a fun night with without all the drama and bullshit, which is really nice.

I mean, I still struggle on the regular with the things from the past, but there are times in your life where you just gotta suck it up and put your feelings away... I feel like I have been doing great at that for the last couple of weeks and am just really proud of myself.

I am just so grateful that I can still find that happy sunny headspace in my suspensions and that I have a skilled and talented rigger who loves to come up with new ideas and new ways for us to play together... I was talking with a friend the other day about my suspensions and she was surprised that I don't really have a sexual component to an act that is seen as sexually deviant to general society... why be bound if not to be mercilessly fucked beyond comprehension... and I get it... but Rope is so much more to me than a primal need...

The hug and pressure of the rope fulfills my basic need for safety... I feel safe in it and I only do suspensions with individuals that are well trained so I know I am safe in their hands...

The suspension with another female just turns into a playful thing to do as sisters in rope, bunny to bunny fox...

The beauty and artwork that shibari is fulfilled a need that I didn't even remember I had... when I was a lil lil girl, I used to act in plays and always was the center of attention until life kind of beat it out of me and made me want to hide... rope whoring gives me the attention I need in an artistic and healthy way... so many things to love about it!!

This lil Rope family just keeps growing and we keep growing as people along the journey... and what do you know? After the copy cat princess was suspended this last time, she has become addicted as well... effortlessly floating above the earth is addicting...

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Alphas

Tied...
Tied to a pole...
By a sorcerer of fire and pain.
The succubus fox surprised,
Pleasantly surprised,
And then released,
To be dragged,
Dragged,
Back.
...

Tied... 
Tied again...
Behind her back,
He laughs as she teases...
Teases that He never ties...
He drags her again,
Then released...
Released...
Giggles.
...

Paid...
Succubus payment,
Booty rubbed, shimmied,
Against Him, pressed against,
Thanked for the rope...
And the company,
Heart shared,
Alphas.
...


Do you see the flames?! First poem written for the form... that was fun!

Wedding Reception- Kinky style

This last Saturday was one of those times when everything happened perfectly! I know, starting off my posting like that sets up really high expectations... but I just couldn't help it... I could not have asked for a better night...

First off, the princess was invited, so I didn't have to try to manage her disappointment in not being able to attend and I also didn't have to try and keep Master occupied for the night, which also gave me more freedom to play! I decided to bring a healthy chicken fried rice meal to share with the party goers and we showed up ready to go!

It was a magical night! Sire had inquired if I would like to be tied by another individual in the community... let's call him Van Gogh... teehee.. and I have been watching his work for years, so of course I said yes! I was so excited!! I got to hang out with my gorgeous slave friend with her tac bra and give her hugs! I got to bite the hiney of the baby rigger... and it was like biting into marshmallows!! So bubbly and soft... mmmmmmm...

Van Gogh's suspension work pushed me farther than I have been pushed in a while! I had fun dancing through the transitions and loved seeing my Master watching me. As I was gently spinning round, geeked out to high heaven in one of my rope idol's ties, I felt a hand caress my pussy through my panties... it was my Master's big meaty hand groping His toy... I could tell right away and I let go... falling in and out of sub space, dancing within rope... moving through positions and really getting to see how strong my body has really become! When the pressure got to be too much on my shin, I called yellow... Van Gogh said he could have me down in 20 sec and that was perfect! He brought me down and then I received an upper body massage which was lovely!

Then, I went in to get a drink and asked the baby rigger if we were going to be suspended as well. She grabbed the rope and we went to ask, at which point Sire agreed! Two suspensions in one night!?! How did I get so blessed?!

As Sire tied us, we talked and laughed. I stared into her beautiful eyes and I honestly can't remember what we talked about... it was probably of the honeymoon, but all I can remember is how beautiful and happy she looked. The baby rigger and I were suspended together, and I nibbled her as we twirled. Cuddly suspended sub space is a nice place to be. I would love to stay up and see how long we could stay suspended together... snuggled in and giggling in our rope...

I am not exactly sure when all the making out started to happen or who initiated it (probably me since I get a bit more bold when I am drinking...) I have always had a thing for the baby rigger... what can I say. I could play with her hair for hours... literally hours... I said as much and was teased with having to do just that... truth be told, I would just sit and run my hands through her beautiful silky light hair, spun gold slipping through my fingertips... slipping... felt a poem coming on and then I lost it... lol... I  digress...

She is silly and kind and nice and honest and happy... she is also so introverted that she reminds me of the me I was before I found myself again. Before I stripped off the shackles that this world placed on me through abuse and abandonment... who knew I would overcome abuse and trauma and abandonment on a journey through BDSM and get back to the extrovert that I was born as?! The attention whore that I am loved the extra pictures that were taken of those moments by Sire...

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Fuck Feelings

So it has been a minute since I have written a blog entry about my life and what has been going on... I am finally starting to get over the agitation I have toward the princess... Is she my ideal candidate for the poly lifestyle that I originally had planned with my Master? No... but as His slave, I have decided to accept His decision to add her to the household and stfu... I gave my undying loyalty to Him and will follow Him to the ends of the earth... so if He says she is the right one for the life He wants, then I just need to go with the flow and make sure He is happy.

I asked Him how I was doing at accepting her in and being the slave He knows I can be and He said that He was pleased... Then, He asked me how I was feeling about it and I requested that He not ask as feelings aren't really pertinent to the decision to follow Him on this matter... I personally am not feeling.. Fuck feelings... I have shut down my feelings to return to myself... the woman who gave no fucks about herself or her wants or her needs and who cared only for her Master, as He has made sure to meet those wants and needs as I earn the right to more... His lil chameleon fox who becomes anything He wants me to be... As long as I belong only to Him, I will not suffer unless He deems it necessary for me to do so... at which point, I will graciously accept such suffering.

 It is important to me that I continue to follow His lead and give Him the best experience in life that I can as He is doing the same for me... I am thoroughly enjoying the housewife/ stay-at-home mom that I get to be now!! (Thank You Master!!)

In my quest to find myself, I lost sight of my own personal vision and mission and took on a more business focused mindset... as I get back to myself, I noticed that independence and what I want out of life do not go hand in hand... I love depending on my strong sexy Master to provide for and take care of me... I love being told what to do... I am a shameless and dirty girl who needs the control that my Master Daddy offers.

On a side note, my daydreaming is coming back... it was something I hadn't realized that I had lost or been missing... This morning, I watched Secretary (great kink movie if you haven't watched it yet) and was able to fantasize about Daddy having His own office for His architectural work while I worked as His secretary and gave Him BJs under the desk... it was pretty hot, so I used my vibrator on my clit and orgasmed to thoughts of myself naked and in chains, delivering coffee to my Master...

Held in Your heart - poem for my Master

i am yours,
Yours and Yours alone,
i belong to You,
my heart is Yours.

Your lil fox,
fox in Your cage,
Held in Your heart,
Submitting to You.

Pushed down,
Down on my tummy,
Ass raised high,
Receiving You in.

Your lil fox,
fox in Your cage,
Held in Your heart,
Submitting to You.

Lost in You,
You and Your eyes,
Playful and intoxicating,
self dissipates.

Your lil fox,
fox in Your cage,
Held in Your heart,
Submitting to You.

my heart is Yours,
Yours to hold and love,
To torture and bleed,
To heal and strengthen.

Your lil fox,
fox in Your cage,
Held in Your heart,
Submitting to You.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Roller coaster

I'm feeling sick today, so apparently, it is time for me to write and process through my feelings... these last couple of days , I have been in full review of my past so I can get through some more pain, which is at the route of my illness... at least, hat is my belief based on my newest personal development literature... healing within our hearts is enabled through unconditional love... and when that internal healing isn't occurring, then we get sick, escalate headaches, and create maladies within our own minds...

So, that being said, I am trying to solve my neurosis... I originally found this pain and anger when I was reading through October of 2015s postings... and at that time, I called out for healing... and my rollercoaster continues... I go up and down on this path to healing over the last year and a half... when in reality, everything around me is what I have created based on the energy I was putting out...

He just tells me to be happy... to find the thing that makes me happy and to do that... what does that even mean... I'm just tired of fighting again and I want things to be easy... but they aren't... they won't be... I won't let them be, I guess... since I'm the one in charge of it all... since I create my reality...

I want to struggle so I continue to create relationships of struggle. The princess no longer drives me insane. She's given up on trying because of every block i put in her way and will likely continue to throw up... figured out where that trick came from- looks like it is a mindset adjustment that backfired... need to sit down and review my processes again and make adjustments again and compartmentalize again... just the usual pain circle going on over here... you've seen it before if you are an avid reader of mine... just ignore it because it will get better again soon... it always does...

Back in my hell...

And I'm back here again... back in the anger and frustration of the past... back in that moment of feeling lost and unwanted and undervalued... undervaluing myself and my life and my plans and my goals... and feeling like none of it even matters anyways because one day, I will be gone... and I will be able to cuddle my baby who is no longer physically with me...

Reliving old nightmares of the past and the heartbreak that has been my life... struggling to let the past fall since it is no longer here... but how do you protect yourself from getting into that same situation again? How do you forgive and move forward when your heart is full of fear?

My main focus for meditation today was releasing my anger towards my Master and allowing myself to serve Him again and feel the same way I once did about it... you see, there was a time when serving Him was more natural to me than breathing... it gave me life to be by his side, gripping onto His every word and believing that my service was unique...  it felt better to take care of anything He needed back then... it gave me pride to have Him show me off and offer me as a gift to others...

now... now, it feels forced and i can see that it is no longer unique... there is someone else that can do it too and while she is not quite as good as I am, we all start somewhere... I don't really want to make Him proud enough to share me or offer me to others... I don't want to be in the same situation again where I am given permission to explore... I don't want to have my heart crushed on all sides at once... I almost didn't make it out of that alive... soon, it will be 2 years... 2 years since my son passed and my lovers ran away and my Master showed His selfish side... the side I had been begging for across a span of 6 years before He finally surfaced and lay waste to my universe...

I told Him it was safe to be that way and when He finally stepped up to that plate, I couldn't handle it.  Just like He couldn't really handle sharing me... not all of me, anyway... not the emotions and love that I have and can give. The sex though... He could have shared that all day, cuz it is just a body... His goddess has always been more to Him than that... Now that I have experienced more and tasted more, can I release myself and Him from my madness and my anger at the past... can I let us become what I have always wanted or will I continue to fall down each time I try... how do I release my selfish need to protect myself and trust Him to protect me again when the last couple times didn't work out... how do I feel special and unique when my heart no longer craves to serve as it once did... when the contract I built for Him looks stupid and childish to me now...

fractured and broken... still trying to pull my pieces together...