It's already happening!!!!!? Manifesting and creating and realizing and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
You see, I have kinda decided that the poly that works for me is the one where everyone is equally committed and in love with each other. Hooray for learning what I want by stumbling through a bunch of experiences that taught me what doesn't work for us (go back and read earlier posts to learn more). I have started to put that into what I want to create for my life and shared my feelings with Daddy and Sweetheart (aka Princess, the princess, etc...)
I have continued to ask for a happy home where everyone loves and takes care of each other equally, even though we have our own roles to play within this fantasy BDSM life that we are creating together... I have asked to have amazing relationships with my Daddy and our partner that fit all of our needs. I need our partner to be confident, stubborn, strong willed, bold, daring, fun, happy, playful, silly, driven and who will initiate with me (cuz I really enjoy the feeling of someone demanding or craving my attention... I love it when someone forces my attention, even when I give You dirty looks for grabbing my chin, Daddy 😘). I need her to get in my way just enough that I get to playfully push her out of it, but I also need her to be able to wrap her arms around a tornado or at least have the sense to run and grab Daddy when the warning sirens are kicking in, lol.
So, last night, after heating up the amazing salmon with pepper salsa that I made her for dinner, she came and stood really close to me while eating it... I commented on her being in my bubble and instead of apologizing and running away, she said something along the lines of liking being in my bubble and stuck out her tongue and kept standing there... That was a pleasant surprise and I found myself intrigued instead of annoyed by her antics this time...
Then, this morning, she asked if I would like to put on her boots?! I didn't quite know what to do. I felt nervous and shy and quickly moved to help... I didn't know how to act, where to look, how to grab the shoe even... I felt awkward at first cuz this isn't something she has ever asked for... it was something I did once or twice out of my own love of service that quickly brought a surprised smile to her face, but she has never requested it... This time, I don't know if she had a smile cuz I was too focused on internally processing all my feels to look at her face... What would I see if I looked there? Joy, worry, triumph, frustration... so nervous...
She stepped on me a little bit to get her heel all the way in and I sneaked a quick look at her face then, but all it showed me was the focus she had while trying to get her heel to the bottom of the boot without hurting me in the process... The whole experience was oddly centering.
Is it strange that it makes me cry writing about it right now... Tears of relief... It feels like she's listening... Actually hearing the me that is scared and hiding... the one that runs away from things that hurt and throws up all kinds of random road blocks (like a tone or a look) to see if people will knock them all down and emerge victorious anyways! I have been through too much to let anyone easily have me, I guess... My Daddy has always said that people should have to fight to earn me and be willing to go through anything for me and I deserve no less than that.
How much more strength can I ask for in a partner? When our relationship broke down, it was because of a lie... Anyone who knows me knows that I do not do well with lying... It is actually my deal breaker... Lie to me and it is over... Forgiveness is actually something that doesn't happen with me when it comes to lying... Or so I thought...
Instead of listening to me when I told her to go away, she stayed... She has continued to hover right outside the wall that I had built, pulling out a brick here and there with love and kindness, even though I was frustrating her by how many times I would fill all the holes back in with one minor mistake on her part (I can be a really big pain in the ass when I am upset with you - smart and insane, with a touch of ironic and maniacal laughter in the background)... Even though, a lot of times, I was a complete asshole to her (and I still think deservedly so at those times 😜), she never left...
And now, when I am finally free to ask for anything in the world, I want to ask for her... I want her to be the one that works for us and I want to be someone who works for her... And it's more than wanting her to work because Daddy would be heartbroken without her in His life...
I want it to work because I deserve someone who is willing to work just as hard as I am when shit gets tough... Cuz let's face it, my past tells me that shit often gets tough in my life... I can't fit anyone into my life that isn't willing to literally fight through thick and thin to make it work or that can't just plant themselves nearby while I ride the waves so that I have a steady haven to return to... I want it to work because I feel like she is all of those things when she allows herself to be the princess she is, lol...
Thank you for remaining strong, princess. I love you!!
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