The princess is driving me insane... Looking at her now hurts my brain... You see, she started cleaning my house... And that is messing with me... The biggest way that I receive love is through acts of service and the effort she is putting into my home is welcome, but also exasperating.
Pair the clean house with her positive attitude and my heart says that I like her, in that kid with a crush type way that causes butterflies and nervousness... But then my head comes crashing in with the logic that I can't like her because of the mistakes of the past... She already had her 3 tries and that's enough.
She's been catching me glaring at her, so I told her of the insanity she is causing within me and she just laughed about it... She doesn't know what else to do with that information... I don't know how to stop the insanity... I like her, but I can't...I like her, but I can't... One of these days, one of those things will win and the insanity will stop, but for now, in trying to learn how to accept this new reality... It's hard to hate someone who cleans your house...
Sunday, April 16, 2017
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
Jaded
My heart is too trusting and it is getting me hurt more and more... Why do people have to be so shitty sometimes? Why do I allow myself to be taken advantage of by friends? What is wrong with me?
In this world, I have escaped being jaded for so long, but now... Now I think it is finally happening. I feel like I have finally hit the wall when it comes to humankind. A dear friend of mine let me down yesterday... I don't think it was her intention to use me, but I am not sure I will ever know... I am not sure why I continue to lower my standards for the people that I love, especially when I love so many people... Maybe it's because of the complaint I continue to hear about my expectations being too high?
After a day that should have been better, I turned to Sire for a suspension... Hoping to decompress from my convention this weekend and shake off the vulnerability I felt when I finally understood that my friend had taken advantage of me... It was a lovely suspension, but once again I couldn't fall out...
When I got home, I snuggled up to Daddy and asked if He'd showered because the door was locked, so I knew that He had fucked His princess... He mumbled no in His sleep... Which meant no aftercare or comfort for me... He was too tired after the long ride home and I didn't blame Him... I would have passed out too...
This really caused me to drop hard today... I am trying to hold it together, but tears are escaping my eyes... I am going to have to kill off the me that I am to become the next version and everything that needs to change in me was exposed yesterday... Heartbroken and weary, I will move forward and kill the girl I was to become the woman I am meant to be...
But how? How do I kill this trusting heart? How do I kill this sweet and innocent fox? This lil fox that is taken advantage of and used... I look in her eyes and pray for her joy and yet, I understand that she must be destroyed... Or I will continue to be...
In this world, I have escaped being jaded for so long, but now... Now I think it is finally happening. I feel like I have finally hit the wall when it comes to humankind. A dear friend of mine let me down yesterday... I don't think it was her intention to use me, but I am not sure I will ever know... I am not sure why I continue to lower my standards for the people that I love, especially when I love so many people... Maybe it's because of the complaint I continue to hear about my expectations being too high?
After a day that should have been better, I turned to Sire for a suspension... Hoping to decompress from my convention this weekend and shake off the vulnerability I felt when I finally understood that my friend had taken advantage of me... It was a lovely suspension, but once again I couldn't fall out...
When I got home, I snuggled up to Daddy and asked if He'd showered because the door was locked, so I knew that He had fucked His princess... He mumbled no in His sleep... Which meant no aftercare or comfort for me... He was too tired after the long ride home and I didn't blame Him... I would have passed out too...
This really caused me to drop hard today... I am trying to hold it together, but tears are escaping my eyes... I am going to have to kill off the me that I am to become the next version and everything that needs to change in me was exposed yesterday... Heartbroken and weary, I will move forward and kill the girl I was to become the woman I am meant to be...
But how? How do I kill this trusting heart? How do I kill this sweet and innocent fox? This lil fox that is taken advantage of and used... I look in her eyes and pray for her joy and yet, I understand that she must be destroyed... Or I will continue to be...
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