I'm feeling sick today, so apparently, it is time for me to write and process through my feelings... these last couple of days , I have been in full review of my past so I can get through some more pain, which is at the route of my illness... at least, hat is my belief based on my newest personal development literature... healing within our hearts is enabled through unconditional love... and when that internal healing isn't occurring, then we get sick, escalate headaches, and create maladies within our own minds...
So, that being said, I am trying to solve my neurosis... I originally found this pain and anger when I was reading through October of 2015s postings... and at that time, I called out for healing... and my rollercoaster continues... I go up and down on this path to healing over the last year and a half... when in reality, everything around me is what I have created based on the energy I was putting out...
He just tells me to be happy... to find the thing that makes me happy and to do that... what does that even mean... I'm just tired of fighting again and I want things to be easy... but they aren't... they won't be... I won't let them be, I guess... since I'm the one in charge of it all... since I create my reality...
I want to struggle so I continue to create relationships of struggle. The princess no longer drives me insane. She's given up on trying because of every block i put in her way and will likely continue to throw up... figured out where that trick came from- looks like it is a mindset adjustment that backfired... need to sit down and review my processes again and make adjustments again and compartmentalize again... just the usual pain circle going on over here... you've seen it before if you are an avid reader of mine... just ignore it because it will get better again soon... it always does...
Thursday, August 3, 2017
Back in my hell...
And I'm back here again... back in the anger and frustration of the past... back in that moment of feeling lost and unwanted and undervalued... undervaluing myself and my life and my plans and my goals... and feeling like none of it even matters anyways because one day, I will be gone... and I will be able to cuddle my baby who is no longer physically with me...
Reliving old nightmares of the past and the heartbreak that has been my life... struggling to let the past fall since it is no longer here... but how do you protect yourself from getting into that same situation again? How do you forgive and move forward when your heart is full of fear?
My main focus for meditation today was releasing my anger towards my Master and allowing myself to serve Him again and feel the same way I once did about it... you see, there was a time when serving Him was more natural to me than breathing... it gave me life to be by his side, gripping onto His every word and believing that my service was unique... it felt better to take care of anything He needed back then... it gave me pride to have Him show me off and offer me as a gift to others...
now... now, it feels forced and i can see that it is no longer unique... there is someone else that can do it too and while she is not quite as good as I am, we all start somewhere... I don't really want to make Him proud enough to share me or offer me to others... I don't want to be in the same situation again where I am given permission to explore... I don't want to have my heart crushed on all sides at once... I almost didn't make it out of that alive... soon, it will be 2 years... 2 years since my son passed and my lovers ran away and my Master showed His selfish side... the side I had been begging for across a span of 6 years before He finally surfaced and lay waste to my universe...
I told Him it was safe to be that way and when He finally stepped up to that plate, I couldn't handle it. Just like He couldn't really handle sharing me... not all of me, anyway... not the emotions and love that I have and can give. The sex though... He could have shared that all day, cuz it is just a body... His goddess has always been more to Him than that... Now that I have experienced more and tasted more, can I release myself and Him from my madness and my anger at the past... can I let us become what I have always wanted or will I continue to fall down each time I try... how do I release my selfish need to protect myself and trust Him to protect me again when the last couple times didn't work out... how do I feel special and unique when my heart no longer craves to serve as it once did... when the contract I built for Him looks stupid and childish to me now...
fractured and broken... still trying to pull my pieces together...
Reliving old nightmares of the past and the heartbreak that has been my life... struggling to let the past fall since it is no longer here... but how do you protect yourself from getting into that same situation again? How do you forgive and move forward when your heart is full of fear?
My main focus for meditation today was releasing my anger towards my Master and allowing myself to serve Him again and feel the same way I once did about it... you see, there was a time when serving Him was more natural to me than breathing... it gave me life to be by his side, gripping onto His every word and believing that my service was unique... it felt better to take care of anything He needed back then... it gave me pride to have Him show me off and offer me as a gift to others...
now... now, it feels forced and i can see that it is no longer unique... there is someone else that can do it too and while she is not quite as good as I am, we all start somewhere... I don't really want to make Him proud enough to share me or offer me to others... I don't want to be in the same situation again where I am given permission to explore... I don't want to have my heart crushed on all sides at once... I almost didn't make it out of that alive... soon, it will be 2 years... 2 years since my son passed and my lovers ran away and my Master showed His selfish side... the side I had been begging for across a span of 6 years before He finally surfaced and lay waste to my universe...
I told Him it was safe to be that way and when He finally stepped up to that plate, I couldn't handle it. Just like He couldn't really handle sharing me... not all of me, anyway... not the emotions and love that I have and can give. The sex though... He could have shared that all day, cuz it is just a body... His goddess has always been more to Him than that... Now that I have experienced more and tasted more, can I release myself and Him from my madness and my anger at the past... can I let us become what I have always wanted or will I continue to fall down each time I try... how do I release my selfish need to protect myself and trust Him to protect me again when the last couple times didn't work out... how do I feel special and unique when my heart no longer craves to serve as it once did... when the contract I built for Him looks stupid and childish to me now...
fractured and broken... still trying to pull my pieces together...
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