Rollercoasters

One thing I have never liked, even as a kid, is a rollercoaster. I always end up on one that breaks and causes me some kind of pain. My first one gave me whiplash when the brakes failed at a county fair and it came to a stop on the super at the end, josteling me about...

The next group happened when I was a teenaged and I visited Six Flags as part of a church trip. 2 of the rides malfunctioned while I was on them and 1 hurt my neck after my long hair whipped around a pole on the ride and yanked my head back... Sigh... Fucking rollercoasters...

Now, as an adult, I am on 2 rollercoasters at the same time. I have a son with a lot of medical issues and everyday could be the day I lose him, so my days are filled with waves of him doing really good and then doing really bad. Up and down, my heart jumps to my throat and then settles in my chest again. I cry when he is having difficulties, but then put on that brave smile for him when he is doing better so he can be happy and feel hope. My hope is dwindling, but I still try to hold on to it...

The other rollercoaster is the poly lifestyle. Maneuvering through 5 relationships is interesting and challenging. I say 5 even though I only see 4 people because the triad itself is included as a separate dynamic than the individual relationships I have with My Queen and Sir to me.

Being an owned slave with a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a dominant, and a triad relationship is interesting. When my Master becomes upset, everything gets upset because I will always be his slave first and foremost. This has been difficult because the triad was officially developed during a time in July when I had rejected my slavery because of some other changes that occurred. Recently, Papa Bear has taken back ownership and I have taken his collar again. He is starting to feel positive again about our relationship again and I feel as though I can follow his lead again.

I feel like I am finally starting to level out the rollercoaster, but it is a lot of work. I keep telling myself that a good thing is worth hard work and I fully believe that!

I cannot wait for both of these rollercoasters to settle down and become more like a steady train track...

Changes

So many changes since my last writing on June, when I kissed my pretty girl! We are dating now, me and my pretty girl. Over the last couple of months, I have determined that I am definitely polyamorous! I also have a triad relationship with a married couple as well, My Queen and my Sir. I am still a slave and in a24/7 TPE relationship.

Fun times :)

Getting back to foxy

Sitting here, after reading back through the posts at the beginning of the year, I realized that I changed more than I wanted to this last year and that those changes haven't really worked for what I want to create in my life and the life of my family.

I also realized that I stopped writing in June, and the event of tremendous impact happened in July, so I am kind of kicking myself for not writing during that time... So I am going to get back to writing. It makes me happy and gets my thoughts out of my head and into a place where I can self-analyze and overanalyze as well, lol...

I read the most amazing post at the Power Exchange that made me realize that I have been hiding myself from this blog, because what would my readers think, lol!! While I love sharing the journey, this blog is my diary... Much like my Facebook page is for my vanilla stuff... Love you readers, but I have realized that if you don't want to read, that is okay... If you do, that is okay too. As long as I am following me, then this blog is worth it...

That being said, I interact with a lot of people that want to remain anonymous, so I will likely make up names for them as I go to protect their anonymity.

One of the biggest things I noticed for myself today is that I have moved away from using the i that I used to use when talking in first person... Also, I recently put Papa Bear's foxy in a box (in July)... And locked her away... Without understanding or realizing that I was doing that... In discovering myself, which is what this whole life is about, I lost bits of me that I want back... So it is time to refocus and reconnect and get back to the me that i want to be...

Waiting

Waiting... How funny that this page was already created, untitled, and waiting for me... Well, I am definitely going to explore an interesting topic because a lot has changed about me since 6/22.

I am currently experiencing what taking a break in relationships can look like from different angles and perspectives. From mine, taking a break sucks... I miss my loves... I miss my me time... I miss my play... I feel like I can try and go about it the right way, but what is the right way when you are experiencing life? Is there a right and wrong way to stop something that can be revisited once the rest of the shit settles?

I am finding that being a 24/7 consensual nonconsent slave in a polygamous situation is hard. Papa Bear wants to share me, but wants to make sure that he has an open line of communication (connection) with his metamours.

After talking with Papa Bear, this makes more sense because he wants to have at least brief interactions with anyone who plays with his toy (me)... For a while, I forgot that I was his slave, his property, his toy and that he gave permission for others to play with me who deserved and asked for it. For a few months, I thought that I was the leader... I felt like I knew what I was doing...

And then I remembered today... I don't like that role in life. I don't like to make decisions and I don't want to be in charge. I stumbled as we often do when we are trying new things, but my stumbles have hurt people that I love... So what do I do?

I apologize and try to look at different perspectives. I learn from my mistakes. I follow and/or develop a plan and do it.

I hope they can forgive me... We all fuck up sometimes, even I am human...

I wait because only time can heal wounds that were unintentionally inflicted... I am hurting those I love, including myself... But I had to pull off the big girl panties and be the dirty little slave I truly am inside.
I had to be me again. The one that takes charge and makes demands and is a bratty little girl... That isn't me...

Besides... Whores don't wear panties, especially not the big girl kind, lol...

So I wait...