Transitions

It’s hard to continue typing and sharing during times of transition... people coming in and out of my life right now... waiting to see which ones stick. I shall continue to hold true to myself and what I want. I will continue to focus on my heart and creating the life I want. The right people will fall into place. I have to trust that.... I have to trust that the universe will give me the puzzle pieces I am looking for... only time will tell.

These bois!

As a slave, one thing I didn’t really do was question my Master... I learned really early on that I should just listen and do what he told me to do as everything would be much smoother... I am noticing that even when I am being sought out to give direction, my direction is not followed and is even questioned... I don’t give a flying fuck if you’ve never done that before... if you belong to me and it isn’t a hard limit, just fucking listen and do what I want... or stop seeking my domination...  I am wanting to meet in person, but already know that I won’t be meeting up with those that can’t even follow basic instructions... these bois... lol

Get me wet... ahem, I mean make my pussy tingle

Met up with a good friend of mine yesterday in the early a.m... this man is getting me addicted to his energy. He is teaching me about the value of my service through gifts of money, which actually makes my pussy feel all tingly... I never knew how turned on money or things could make me because I have had a broke mindset for a while now based on my own limited beliefs... I was so used to getting scraps that I didn’t understand that another option was available and I actually had a lot of negative feelings about money...  now that I have an overflowing abundance of income, I am starting to experience the joys that come with abundance.

I deserve all the best things in life, especially joy and abundance, and I am already starting to meet others who agree and have the means to help me while I continue to build my own business and fortune so I can have the extra now and still provide for my family.

He is also teaching me that my level of service and the giving I provide is so powerful and rare... the understanding that I co-create the dominant energy within him based on my submissive offering is intoxicating and is also helping me understand how my energy flow affects those around me. He is helping me escape the belief that liking to do things for others is only a submissive trait... As an Alpha or Domme, I should want to protect and serve those in my care, so caring doesn’t equal submission... This knowledge is huge and has created a shift in my awareness and understanding of myself.

What if I use all of my knowledge, power, compassion, and strength to focus and create everything I want in life through dominance instead of submission? This was a thought I had not explored until recently and I am really happy I am exploring this path. Thinking about gifting someone with my service after I have used them the way I want makes my pussy tingle... interesting aside... submitting through acts of service alone no longer does that for me, which is new.

He gives me rope, which we all know that I enjoy. I am going to say that rope hasn’t made my pussy tingle in a long time. It is more of a mental quieter or meditation practice for me now... and yesterday, he gave me pain upon my request as I am wanting to work on building a tolerance while also learning how to build a tolerance within someone else. I always find that the best way to learn something is to do it myself first. I will say that the pain did not tingle my pussy at all. It actually made my pussy want to shrivel up and die... lol, but I will experience this to understand what I will be doing to my future sweeties! So what did we do... well... I’ll leave that to your imagination this time... let’s just say that my whole body hurts today, lol... but it hurts soooooo good.

On a side note, on this path of exploration, I’ll be keeping track of the things that actually make my pussy get tingly and excited... I can no longer use getting wet as a gauge because my Daddy has trained my pussy to always be wet, lol.

List of Pussy Tingling Things so far:
Professional men in lacy panties (secret sissies are causing me to create a lil personal porn stash)
CBT that causes giggles during POT
Provide service to my used sweetie pies
Money
Getting random presents in the mail that I can show off
Getting play markings that I can show off
Words
Being taken care before anyone else

Something New

Being me is really very interesting because I can see and experience things from many different angles... last night was an amazing new adventure. I tried to go on a date, lol, with this gentleman... let’s call him The Hat. We tried to meet up at a nearby sports bar, but it was closed for a private party... so then, we went to a Starbucks nearby and it was also closed! He seemed nice enough and we had been chatting, so I invited myself to his place to hang out and chat. He treated me right, opened the door for me, smoked me out, and let me do my thing...

Can I just say that I love giving blow jobs, especially when I am stoned... I am very orally fixated... and I just go to town... and he loved it... praises rained down on me as I took care of him... it was amazing... I have a feeling we will play again and again...

The conversation was fun and delightful. He asked me how I could be so easy and affectionate and made me giggle about an easy “pill”... it was a clear space without drama or responsibilities or a care in the world... it gave me that taste of peace that I crave... now I know the feeling I am pushing for... looking forward to seeing The Hat again 😁

Reminiscing My Queen

I keep opening this page to write and then everything I write seems of little consequence as life is just a bit too heavy again... nothing wants to hit the paper right... none of this even sounds like it’s worth writing, but I’m here, so hey...

Maybe I should just think back on fun times and reminisce for a moment... I remember when she took me to get my hair dyed... from my bright Roller Derby Red to a sensible black with purple streaks... purple was a favorite of hers...

Or maybe our first play session... silly and fun and playful... I remember fucking up the timer and her getting a much longer massage than me... not a problem for My Queen, lol... and I remember the first time she swung a flogger on me... so cute and delicate... like a 1 on a scale of 1-10... got her to a 3 before she decided she didn’t really want to inflict any pain with it... she always had a plan and was very good at executing her plans... and helping everyone else get on board to make sure it worked.

Oh, and the taste of her... delicate and delicious... I could have eaten her for hours... for days even... can’t forget about that...

When we split, it was heartbreaking... a lot of things were out of our control at the time and there really wasn’t an opportunity to regain that control until after my son passed and then, lets face it, I wasn’t even the same person anymore... I just didn’t work for what she needed in her life and I had to accept that my place was as a friend and nothing more...

And now she’s gone... the hope I was holding onto is officially gone... my heart bleeds for the loss of such a beautiful creature... and my tears continue to fall...

Death of my Queen

After work on Saturday, my Daddy sat me down and told me what he heard from his mom about the death of my Queen... gone... gone forever from this world and my future embrace... one hope still held onto against all odds was that I would be able to serve her again... but alas... it was not to be... shut down... broken... wailing... no way to help... no way to connect without breaking chains I am not allowed to break... tied... tied so tight against my will that my heart is shattering over and over and the world does not feel right...

What do I want?

What do I want... what do I want... getting asked this a lot lately in some of my extracurricular relationships and it is such a fucking hard thing for me to figure out... what do I want to do... what do I want done to me... most of the time, my answer is that it will depend on what’s going on at the time... I am very adventurous, but I don’t always know what I want right away... I’m so indecisive, because, let’s face it, when everything needs to be voted on by a council of queens, it starts to get annoying to honk about what I want cuz someone has always had something to say about it... until yesterday...

I don’t know how to explain it, but everything seems like it is very settled... everything in me feels at peace... I’m not feeling a war... im not even feeling a peep... everything is so quiet in my mind... not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I’m just gonna roll with it...

Battle Royale

When the commotion in my head becomes too much and feelings won’t make sense, I’m so glad for my PapaBear... he protects and holds me... he gives me a safe space to process... the owner of my heart and asshole, lol...

So, with such feelings jumbling around, I requested time with Daddy just to process and maneuver through what was happening inside with these hurt feelings... many people don’t know, but I live through a personality disorder... forged in my youth as a way to save me from the horrors that were experienced there... my mind compartmentalizes and packages my feelings into distinct personality types... I have been told that I have 4 or 5 alters... as they call them in the psychology books... and this last couple of years has been difficult, but manageable... barely... but I digress...

So when I wrote yesterday, I had started to notice that my feelings were hurt, which means I actually have feelings for her... actual real feelings... like, she has worked so hard and become the girl I am looking for type of feelings... and as soon as I realized that, the battle began... the battle of the voices in my head... I was talking to a good friend about it and I likened it to a council meeting of queens... where each one is just as strong as the one next to her and they all have their own filters, perceptions, wants, and needs... all at war for their beliefs and ideals... with not a lot of concessions or backing down...

It is fascinating and troubling and annoying all at the same time, my mind... but at the end of the day, I was able to take a step forward and release the baggage... release the frustration... drop the anger... and truly embrace the new princess that has walked into my life... the one who persevered through every roadblock I placed gently or aggressively in her way... the one who stood in the fire and the flame and never left... hopefully, she feels like all of it was worth it... she has finally earned the right to be my princess as well... not just His...

And can I just say that already, we are adorable... I am stupid shy when it comes to women showing an interest in me and she is crazy awkward around anyone she is attracted to, so it’s pretty hilarious... been in the same household for 2 years and still fumbling around each other... lol... I’m excited for this new phase.

Hurt Feelings

It has been a long time since I have really had my feelings hurt... let’s just say that in my infinite wisdom, my brain and heart automatically put up a field around my feeling so they don’t get hurt about 2 years ago... I don’t even understand these emotions and feelings about 80% of the time... so the other day when the princess said that sometimes, it’s hard to see the blessings in interacting with me, I was surprised at how my chest felt... I thought I had finally become impervious to any of the words that could fall out of her mouth... but no... I am not... words can and do hurt me still... of course, I lashed back out and asked her if she thought it was easy for me to find blessings... I need to get better control... If I’m actively focused on my dominance, I can’t let anything cause me to interact in a way that doesn’t suit me and the woman I am.

So instead of bottling, I spoke up... this was after we had already had a long day... after we had a very  different food prep than normal... Daddy reassured me that I am always a blessing for him... Honestly, I can’t remember what she said anymore... my brain just stopped listening as tears streamed down my face in the dark and it started processing all of the feels right then... what I learned is that I am starting to care about how she feels about me and I’m not sure how to feel about that... I have tried my best to block myself from feeling anything for her... but the 2 years is almost up and my walls are wavering... is it bad that I just want to sit and see how this goes... see if she can wait for me... or see if her lack of patience at the end of the journey fucks this all up...

As I check in with myself, I can feel that while I am waiting to see how this all plays out, one part of me is rooting for her to fail, while the rest are all rooting for her success. I was pleasantly surprised by that consensus... but it makes sense... I am a good and just person and of course I would want to see her succeed and for our family to exist in the perfect way it was meant to... you know, if I was more like Jesus, lol... I was really fucking surprised that one of my most challenging aspects is hoping to see her cross the finish line... but just barely... on her knees, with one hand outstretched to cross the line... and even more surprised by the side of me that is rooting for her to fail and to prove that I was right and that she couldn’t make it... cuz then it proves Daddy made a bad choice... lol...

Dominance

I am starting the headlong dive into dominance... researching and reading and devouring knowledge from the internet like a sponge! I love this cycle in any new aspect of life... the drive to really research and understand my new path... the experimentation required to push boundaries of my own and release blocks that I’ve created to “protect” myself... maybe moreso protect this world from me...

As I dive in, I have to pause and truly understand what I am looking for and how this phase will help me... I have so much to learn and part of it is knowing what I want... what the fuck do I want?! I have slowly but surely been learning that I have things I want... and I have things that I need... I have also grown to understand that part of why I need this new phase isn’t only that the previous one no longer works for me, but is also dependent on the fact that my Daddy and the princess will soon be fluid bonded... once that happens, Daddy and I will no longer have sex in our relationship based on my standards for my body... at least, this is the plan...

So I have been exploring cuckholding, which led me to sissification, which led me to femmenization... which is a fun lil rabbit hole for an experimenter like myself... I feel my love for psychology and scientific study and research bubbling back up from below... so freaking excited and on a very high flying disk... for those that study the law of attraction...

So what do I want...
Well, so far, I have...
a good morning pic of a business man in ladies undergarments
A cock that I can play with and manipulate, that only enters my pussy when I want
The ability to experiment in any way I see fit based on my research
Trust built for the long haul
To bite and scratch and torture when I want
To make a man cry out my name as I fuck his ass
To get wet over the fun that he and I have together
Freedom to get anything and everything I want out of this life

So far, that’s what I got... sure the list will grow... cannot wait to figure out my hard and soft limits as a dominant... already know that I am still against vomit, poo, and blood... I have explored a lil more with watersports myself, so I feel like I would not call that a hard limit for giving... still a hard limit for receiving unless we have already done that together at this time... lol... so many stories I get to share from the last few months... squeee!!!

The Deterioration of a Slave

Man!!!!!!! It has been sooooooo long again... it feels like. When I took a look back through the posts, I can see what happened... Life got really really hard for a moment and I wanted to stop recording it down so I didn't get dragged through the emotions of it all again later... when I obsessively re-read my life... looking for clues to how I could make it better... how I fucked things up before... how to grow so that I don't make the same mistakes...

In a nutshell... I have changed again... I am in control of the thoughts I let come through... I am in control of the thoughts I put emotion behind... and if I am in control, then I don't really need a Master to be in charge of me... and then I had to stop and breathe and analyze why I created an M/s dynamic in my marriage and relationship all those years ago and determine if that was truly what I am still looking for in my household.

We make the decisions that we make based on the knowledge we have at the time... at the time, I knew that our lil head butting wasn't going to work with my son's illness... two alpha dominant personalities + severe issues = ended marriages from what I could see... so i found a way to submit to my PapaBear and requested that he dominate me, even though he continued to tell me it wasn't his thing... we changed for each other to make it through the war of a lifetime... and then the war ended and the drama stopped and the curtain closed on that chapter...

Standing, left here after the deterioration of my slave mentality, I see how necessary it was at the time and how unnecessary it is now. I was the Alpha before all of this and I can step up the rest of the way and be the Alpha again. Finding my motivations every day and writing again... whoooooo!!! Now that the back story is out of the way, lets get to the fun!! Life is feeling good and everything is finally progressing forward... but only now that I allow myself to take those steps... only now as I unlock the chains I placed on my own feet for a King who has always wanted to treat me like the Goddess that I truly am... mmmmm... and dear god do I have a lot of stories to share... I mean, that's what happens when you start on a new path within yourself, right?